mortensorchid Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I have a good friend K (a man). He and I have been friends for many years. He has/had a gf T. T is, for all intensive purposes, a mess. I have been pleasant enough towards her over the years, but she has always been jealous of me and my friendship with K. They had lived together for many years, in the summer of 07, after much turmoil before (not having anything to do with me) she left him for the guy she had been cheating on K with for several years. About 3 years later, she called K. The guy she had left him for was a disaster who treated her badly and cheated on her. On top of that, both of T's parents died within months of each other last year. I went to her father's funeral (as I did not know of her mother's funeral until after the fact). She came back to K, because K is a good, stable guy, but he won't marry her. Trust me, he NEVER will. She has since moved back into the house with him. I saw her the other week, she is a MESS thanks to her parents' deaths. K is her daddy who is taking care of her. He doesn't seem too happy about the fact that she looks at him like her daddy and that she couldn't before and can't since find her way to do something with herself other than work and be with him. I pity her problems, really I do. But this whole situation between her and my friend K is a train wreck. I don't really get it. My friend K is a good guy, he and I are friends and will stay that way no matter what. He has vocalized to me that he doesn't want to be a father to her, but yet he did it anyway. I think he's afraid of being alone myself, but he won't admit it. He said he would always care about her. I feel that way about some of my past bfs, but I wouldn't take them back like he did. Any feelings or thoughts on this? Just curious, and rather sad to see this train wreck that is about to unfold before me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Frogwife Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 There's nothing you can do - the heart wants what the heart wants and people have their own reasons for doing things, even if they seem crazy and detrimental from the outside. I have a friend who just got involved with a married man 20 years her senior. I'm in NO position to judge her on that given my own history (even though I'd like to) but it *is* hard to see a friend entering willingly into a situation that I don't agree with and one that is very, very, very likely to end in heartache. All you can do is be their friend and be there when (and if) they need a shoulder to cry on. My two centimes. PS - "intents and purposes" Link to post Share on other sites
white Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 You already have the answer. He's afraid of being alone. That describes most people. What a lot of people here seem to forget is that most people are happy to have anyone at all, they don't apply rules to them, because the alternative is not having anyone, and they can't handle that. At my age right now I'm seeing most of my friends and acquaintances settle, marry and have children. Not a single one of them is doing that with someone selected carefully from a range of suitors for their desirable qualities. They're just doing it with the person they find themselves with and have been with for years. Particularly as we grow older the idea of trying to date again looks awful. You can overlook a lot in the person you do have, and really, what's wrong with that. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 In a lot of cases you can't "intellectually" change people. Experience teaches, not kind or not so kind words from friends. So I guess like myself, you'll have to witness your friend going through some more pain until he learns, no matter how much you try to talk him out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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