A unique situation where the dumpee is actually the dumper

[sA x sKy]

Hey everyone..So I've been in a 7th month relationship with the girl who I believe is the love of my life. Take in the fact that both her and I are muslims and in muslim relationships, a romantic relationship usually stems out of friendship first. A muslim relationship essentially begins only if the couple knows that both of them want to be married eventually. Me and her knew we wanted to be married after we graduate school. I am Bengali, she is Punjabi Pakistani. My parents approve of her but her family is fairly strict (her mom would love me). Her family doesn't know of us..till the sisters found out.

 

I met her April 2012...it was love at first sight for me. I was in love with her and she did not have the same feelings (at first). I had never seriously talked to another girl before and nor had she ever talked to another boy before. She became my best friend and I became hers. Two months into meeting her, I had told her how I wanted more than a friendship. She rejected me so to speak, but I still stuck around because she told me only time will tell if we can be together. We talked throughout the entire summer and eventually November 1st came...and I won her heart. She was hesitant at first because she was afraid that her family wont approve of me being Bengali..even though we are the same religion. We were together for two months, and then I had the experience of a life time with her for the next four months. Me and her went to Europe (from NY) for 4 months to study abroad. Spain, France, Italy. One month and a half in each country with her as well as spending our weekends in other places such as Amsterdam, Belgium, Barcelona, Madrid, Lisboa, London, etc. Our spring break was spent in Santorini, Greece for a week. It was like our honeymoon had came years earlier and the time I had spent with her (that most couples who are even married) never get to achieve.

 

After study abroad ended on May 10th, I came back to NY but she had to go to Manchester as her brother got married there. She isn't coming back to NY till July 1st. It's been almost two months since I've seen her. Me and her had not been able to talk much since she left for England as she was so "busy". After being so close together for the past 6 months, we were getting a little distant in terms of communication.

 

About two weeks ago, the worst news came. Her two older sisters had found out about our relationship and told her to stop talking to me. Her two older sisters are complete hypocrites as they both have guys in their lives. The day she told me, she told me she would have to stop talking to me perhaps and that whatever hope she had for the relationship was gone. I became very emotional telling her no, "I can't live without you, you're everything to me, I'm going to kill myself, etc." I had hung up on the phone with her then and there when she told me she lost hope. She texted a bunch of times telling me to call her back but I couldn't. It was the first day of my summer classes as well, I ended up dropping out of them and booked a ticket to visit my family in Bangladesh to cool my head. She texted me the next day again and thats when I told her that we could still make this work and she said we would discuss everything when we were both face to face. I agreed.

 

Then when I got to Bangladesh the next day, we were still barely able to talk. Just a few days earlier she could talked to me whenever, now it came to the point where she would have to say "don't text me" in case her sisters were around. I got pissed at her and we got into a fight of her saying I don't understand situation and this is where I became a pussy again and begged and pleaded with her..and she said we were fine again. The next day she texted me at night but I was asleep. She said she'd talk to me the next day and to not text her. A week went by and I waited for her text. She didn't text me at all and at this point the wedding and its preparations were already over. She couldn't have still been this "busy". I texted her with a "?" She saw the texts on WhatsApp but didn't reply till 7-8 hrs later.

 

Our conversation was very dry. It wasn't how we used to speak and I brought this up in the conversation. Basically it ended up with her saying that "Listen I realized after these past few weeks of going through so much drama that I can't stand peoples nonsense anymore. You're too dramatic and emotional and it's too much for me to handle. I want to keep to myself now. Hermit status. I don't want to be in a committed relationship with anyone. It's not that I don't like you but after lots of contemplation, we can't be together and that's why I avoided talking to you for a week. I couldn't face it myself. I tried to ignore this feeling but I can't. I want to focus on school and focus on becoming a better person. This was hard for me but I known its harder for you. You didn't do anything wrong. If anything you've been so good to me. I'm so blessed to have someone who cares for me so much. I'd still like to meet in person when I come back."

 

It was like a stab in the heart. This was just 5 days ago. Thankfully I had my family there with me and kept a cool head when I replied back. Instead of becoming emotional and dramatic as I was before. I replied saying "If thats how you feel then I respect your decision, i'm sorry you feel that way, etc." I was devastated of course till about two days ago when I realized something. I did so much for this girl. I literally was the perfect "muslim" boy to be together with. In fundamental Muslim relationships, usually being a genuine and nice guy is what muslim girls look for. Of course the whole play hard to get still apply, but in general, being there constantly for the girl is what makes the girl usually stay. I bought her so much...LV wallet, Hermes bracelet for 6 mo, Burberry watch..etc.

 

The past two days I had a realization that this girl is the one took me for granted. There have been numerous instances where she did something that made me question her love for me. For instance:

 

- In Rome one night, we were at a restaurant, and literally 90% of the time she was on her phone texting away It was so embarrassing for me and she realized what she did when we got the food to our table. I didn't talk to her the entire dinner and she kept saying she was sorry. And after the restaurant when we were outside, she kept trying to grab my arm and saying how sorry she was...and I let it go.

 

- My uncle had passed away 2-3 weeks ago. She knew about this, and she of course said how sorry she was and what not. But when I was at the funeral home and what not, I was texted her my feelings and she just looked at the texts and never responded. She wasn't there for me when I needed her the most...I understand she has wedding preps for her brother going on but no one is ever that busy. If you care about someone, you will make time for them no matter what.

 

- The last day I saw her, May 10th, I had an earlier flight back to NY whereas she had a later flight to Manchester. She had promised me that we would spend our last few hours with each other (her sister was with us for the last week) one last time as we would not see each other for 2 months... she was sleeping. I tried to wake her up. You could drop a brick next to her and she wont wake up. It was about 2-3 hours left before I had to leave, I tried to wake her up. She asked me "What?". And I said "I thought we would spend time together before we don't see each other for awhile.." And she snapped back at me "What are you going to do about it?" And she went back to sleep. I was so mad.. Before I was about to leave, I woke up her sister to let her know I was leaving..she was going to wake up her sister but I told her not to...she did anyway. When she stirred she just looked at me. She sat up on bed and I said I was leaving...she said ok and bye...she didn't get out of bed to hug me or anything. 30 minutes later as I'm on the bus...she sends me a wall of text saying how sorry she is blah blah blah. Again...I let it go.

 

There are other instances... but I realized I'm the one who has been a victim in this relationship. I realized how true the statement "love is blind" is. I was so blind that I compromised so much of my self worth to keep this relationship going. That I gave way more than I received and that a relationship should be a balance between the two. I was always there for her. I realized she is right, she isn't ready for a relationship. She's totally right. And I'm going to tell her all of this when I see her when we're both back in New York. Basically it looks as if now she is breaking up with me, but the tables are actually going to turn in person where I'm the one who is walking away from her.

 

The thing is, I still am in madly in love with her. I love her because she does make me happy. All I ask from her is to be appreciated...but when I see her, I'm going to speak my mind. I want her to learn a lesson from all of this. To grow up from her naivety. I wont accept her back into my life until she shows me more love than I ever showed her (which she knows will be very difficult).

 

Me and her also made a promise a long time ago saying we would never speak of anything we did in the relationship assuming we broke up. I'm going to tell her I can't keep that promise anymore. "If I happen to fall for someone else, I'm going to be just as honest and truthful to her as I've always been with you". It's going to be a slap in the face when I tell her that in person.

 

Everyone knows she's making a mistake by saying she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore. Being a better person and focusing on school? I never distracted her from that stuff in the first place. These just must be excuses. Everyone think it's the distance that led everything to this. She doesn't remember my presence anymore...and it's the pressure from everything that happened with the wedding and her family. She was influenced easily during this time by being with her family. And when I become emotional, it just tipped her over and her defense mechanism was to leave me so that's one less stress factor for her. I did NOTHING wrong. My biggest mistake with her was that I loved her too much. We were in clearly two different spots in the relationship. The question is...whether or not is she going to realize that mistake? I have a strong feeling when I see her, and I let her speak her mind..and make her think she is breaking up with me... but then I turn the tables around and walk away. I feel that if she cared even a tiny bit, she will come back. And I know she cared...otherwise we wouldn't have spent so much time together traveling all over Europe. Sleeping on the same bed...doing everything together. I want her to realize her mistake that I've always been there for her and now she's not going to have anyone. But not until her love exceeds the amount of love I invested in her or at the very least matched mine.

 

I am not worried about there being another guy in the picture. There isn't and I know she isn't going to just find another guy. She isn't that type. She's very apathetic when it comes to her own emotions. She knows that she has a difficult time expressing affection, but I want to teach her a lesson. And if she does care, then family or not, that shouldn't keep us apart.

 

What do you guys think? She thinks I'm going to wait around forever...she has that security in her mind that I will always be there since I let so many other instances go where we would have ended. But I'm removing that security from her now and it's going to pack a punch. Obviously I have to wait till I talk to her to assess the situation, but do you guys think she will turn around and realize her mistake? If she cared...she will. Especially when I speak my mind to her...she will not be expecting it and already she will think I'm the one moving on...which essentially I am.

Edited June 23, 2013 by sA x sKy

[LinkWorshiper]

I don't mean to make the stereotypical joke, but it sounds like a Bollywood film!

 

In all seriousness though... I am in a similar spot, kind of. I know my man has confidence that I will probably wait around for him... and that is why for the past couple months since our breakup, he has been tumbleweeding around with me as his "friend" with whom he is taking "baby steps" while he "works on himself". He hurt me bad when he started to flirt and make it seem like he wanted to start up again, only to turn around the next week and tell me that he met someone he was maybe thinking of pursuing. So I put my foot down and "turned the tables on him" by telling him that we probably shouldn't see each other until he figured out what the heck he even wanted. In the past, this has worked with him, but I worry that the situation is too dire and that he might not even be affected at all. I have no way of knowing, though I am hoping that the NC is forcing him to think about what I mean to him as a part of his life. So to answer your question, there's a good chance it will help. In fact, it's probably your best shot.

 

At the same time, you shouldn't just up and walk away to teach her a lesson, even though that sounds cool and gratifying and probably should have a sweet dance number to go with it. Because I think in the long-run you will hurt yourself trying to hurt her. I think if you tell her you are taking space from her because you need to protect yourself or you feel that you can't be around her if she doesn't know what she wants, then you're standing up for yourself and taking care of you, which is even COOLER than a big speech about how she should learn from the errors of her ways, n'aw mean?