Mnogomnogo Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I enjoy writing stories, but this one is too convoluted for me to pen just yet. I'm going to just use bullet points for the intro: + wife took the kids and left our marital home 4 years ago, it was financial pressure. Neither of us were drinkers. No cheating involved. The hatred she unleashed on me was not natural and led to the complete and utter financial destruction we are left with today. Lost our home (200k down payment gone after 4 years), all savings (thanks for attorneys), my lifetime annuity (bye bye retirement), everything material is gone. We have nothing. + although wife initiated divorce she refused to finalize it and after 4 years and 4 attorneys I've Given up. + two years ago I met and fell in luuuuuuuuuuuurve with a married woman:-) she was so sexy and beautiful, exotic and successful, she loved me, she gave me the greatest sex every day, she paid for everything, she helped me when I needed it, she loved my kids (better then anyone), she truly was and is the woman of my dreams. She was an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top, except she was married; husband was 8 years our junior, they have no kids, and he's obviously not passionate about sex the way she is. + our love affair was transcendent as we both went through so much together. It wasn't like a marriage, but we both were aware of the ethereal nature of our love but like true hedonist we matched perfectly igniting the illusion together. + dday! Over a month ago. She is lc now. We had sex last week. + my wife is seriously trying to keep us together as a family. We're spending all available time together, and I'll sleep at their condo once or twice. I'm not having sex with her, I'm not really attracted to my wife sexually, I'm just a very sexual guy and I could probably just do it out of need. + I'm enjoying my family time again, but I know I'm still going to have sex with mow as soon as she is ready. It was the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had (I believe the same for her too). + I don't feel like either me or mow have the will power to resist each other's affections outside of her leaving the country (which she is for the summer). But she'll be back, and what then. She's been gone before, we always start right back up. + I don't even know what my question is, I need some seriously smart advice. I really appreciate it in advance. I'm a good soul, I want to do what's right (which includes me, and not lying to myself) Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I am not sure what to advise re the MW but I do think you need to get things on a clearer footing between you and your wife. If the two of you are not going to reconcile then you need to put strong boundaries in place. Don't let her think there is a chance, don't sleep with her, don't stay over at her place, spend so much time together, etc. This is not just for your sake and hers. It is also for your children - they could be getting the idea that mum and dad are getting back together and then find everything falls apart on them again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Refused to finalize a divorce? Are you in the USA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mnogomnogo Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Yes, bz, I'm in the us. Flori-duh to be exact. Needless to say I have zero respect for family law here. As for family time, I think that the kids are all too aware of the actual emotions involved. They've seen me intimate and in love with another woman for two years. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Point of law/fact is she had no such power. Possibly your statement refers to refusing to agree to an uncontested settlement? One can successfully divorce a spouse who refuses to participate in the legal process. The divorce doesn't seem to be your focus now. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 To defend the poster, actually, a spouse can drag out a divorce as long as possible. If there are assets to dispose of, no attorney would allow their client to sign on the dotted line until the disposition of assets are finalized. There are divorces and then there are absolute financial disasters. You actually don't sound confused. You sound like you know exactly what you want. So ask MOW. Is she willing to leave and make a life with you? If so, then you make that switch, you don't look back and you don't vacillate. That will assure your wife that delay tactics are not going to work and make the divorce much more smoothly. If she says she's not willing to leave her husband, then I think you should still leave your wife. You're not sexually attracted. You enjoy family time, which you can have with an amicable divorce, but you don't want her to be the primary relationship in your life and this is just going to happen again down the road. Whatever happens, keep your kids out of your romantic life. They don't need to know. Trust me, it only creeps them out. I know. FYI, I am very anti-affair so the advice I'm offering is actually very unique for me. But, it really sounds like it's over with your wife and she is actually your port in the storm, not the love of your life. It's time to fix your life and live simply again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 The hatred she unleashed on me was not natural and led to the complete and utter financial destruction we are left with today. Lost our home (200k down payment gone after 4 years), all savings (thanks for attorneys), my lifetime annuity (bye bye retirement), everything material is gone. We have nothing. [a spouse can drag out a divorce as long as possible. If there are assets to dispose of, no attorney would allow their client to sign on the dotted line until the disposition of assets are finalized. There are divorces and then there are absolute financial disasters. Again, signing on the dotted line regards "agreed judgement". The court has full authority to adjudicate a divorce and all financial awards. I get your comment but it means only that neither party followed through/ not that she had power to prevent the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mnogomnogo Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I'll say this bz, I tried over and again. even arranged a final trial on my own (pro se), had to wait 6 months. judge flat out refused to finalize divorce because opposing counsel was not prepared. I hope you never have to face the reality of our justice system: that the courts are just the tools to separate the money from the fools! Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I enjoy writing stories, but this one is too convoluted for me to pen just yet. I'm going to just use bullet points for the intro: + wife took the kids and left our marital home 4 years ago, it was financial pressure. Neither of us were drinkers. No cheating involved. The hatred she unleashed on me was not natural and led to the complete and utter financial destruction we are left with today. Lost our home (200k down payment gone after 4 years), all savings (thanks for attorneys), my lifetime annuity (bye bye retirement), everything material is gone. We have nothing. + although wife initiated divorce she refused to finalize it and after 4 years and 4 attorneys I've Given up. + two years ago I met and fell in luuuuuuuuuuuurve with a married woman:-) she was so sexy and beautiful, exotic and successful, she loved me, she gave me the greatest sex every day, she paid for everything, she helped me when I needed it, she loved my kids (better then anyone), she truly was and is the woman of my dreams. She was an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top, except she was married; husband was 8 years our junior, they have no kids, and he's obviously not passionate about sex the way she is. + our love affair was transcendent as we both went through so much together. It wasn't like a marriage, but we both were aware of the ethereal nature of our love but like true hedonist we matched perfectly igniting the illusion together. + dday! Over a month ago. She is lc now. We had sex last week. + my wife is seriously trying to keep us together as a family. We're spending all available time together, and I'll sleep at their condo once or twice. I'm not having sex with her, I'm not really attracted to my wife sexually, I'm just a very sexual guy and I could probably just do it out of need. + I'm enjoying my family time again, but I know I'm still going to have sex with mow as soon as she is ready. It was the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had (I believe the same for her too). + I don't feel like either me or mow have the will power to resist each other's affections outside of her leaving the country (which she is for the summer). But she'll be back, and what then. She's been gone before, we always start right back up. + I don't even know what my question is, I need some seriously smart advice. I really appreciate it in advance. I'm a good soul, I want to do what's right (which includes me, and not lying to myself) Good luck! The story regarding the affair is typical except for the fact that you allow this women to pay for everything. Sounds like you are her sex toy. You are not supposed to be attracted to your wife because she does not meet your emotional needs. OTOH, the MOW knows how to meet all your needs. Good luck once again. The MOW has no children; I don't understand why the MOW does not leave her marriage. Do you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Many have uttered your sentiments. I face it frequently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mnogomnogo Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Georgia girl, I appreciate your insight, more so for your anti-a stance. I can fully admit that only broken people enter into A's. I was very broken. I didn't want to lose my family. I tried going back before and suffered incredibly again for it (I had a safe relationship with a woman based on a mutual friendship which I have up for R with my wife). Here are my feelings on the A's effect on me as regards to wife. I believe that being the object of betrayal in the A had allowed me to forgive my wife somehow. I'm no longer as angry at her or feel so hurt. This is what allows me to spend more time with her and the kids. it is my favorite thing to do, NOW. I stress now, because that goes out the window when MOW is available. I'm absolutely crazy for her. it's such an incredible drug, I'd move to Holland if she were weed. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 FYI: I should have also stated that unless the judge gets very angry, the other side can ask for continuance after continuance after continuance and as long as there is a legal basis for it, the judge will allow it. It's a matter of law. Nothing one side can do unilaterally. A lot of times, the judge will mandate a mediator if he thinks the system is getting abused, but the mediator's findings can still be dismissed by the court if one side doesn't agree. So yes, lots of ways divorces can linger. Sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mnogomnogo Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Pierre, good question, hell if I know. he's been slow to discover, even though he's really known for over a year. I stopped caring if she'd leave. it was moot. I know that she is a WW till the end. I don't want to substitute for her husband. I had more fantastical dreams of us, which I wanted to unfurl through time. she was a fantasy come true. I just wanted to keep it fantastic. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Are you employed now? Or a business owner? It sounds as if you are "on retainer" w OW and that's not unheard of. How informed is your wife about this? She's welcoming to you in her home, she's seemingly glad to have you as a coparent, what would cause that to end? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 + two years ago I met and fell in luuuuuuuuuuuurve with a married woman:-) she was so sexy and beautiful, exotic and successful, she loved me, she gave me the greatest sex every day, she paid for everything, she helped me when I needed it, she loved my kids (better then anyone), she truly was and is the woman of my dreams. She was an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top, except she was married; husband was 8 years our junior, they have no kids, and he's obviously not passionate about sex the way she is. + our love affair was transcendent as we both went through so much together. It wasn't like a marriage, but we both were aware of the ethereal nature of our love but like true hedonist we matched perfectly igniting the illusion together. I'm gonna be honest: This doesn't sound like love to me. When people say they love someone, I always listen to what exactly they say next....you love her because the sex is good, it's so much lightning chemistry, she pays for everything and she is sexy and exotic and beautiful. Sounds to me like this is a lusty affair with financial benefits and not the least bit about what sustainable relationships are made of. You like what she does for you and to you and how you all feel and the passion but relationships are a lot more than that. I think you should think about that and write down what you need/want in a woman besides sex and beauty and willingness to pay for stuff and check your wife and this married woman against it, as well as check your life, your kids and what you need from life against it. We're all humans OP. I get it. I would be lying if I said I've never been caught up with a man because of good sex, good looks, and financial security....however, it's not enough. I also made sure that when I am not currently caught up and have a clear head I have a list of what I NEEEEEEEED from a partner, the important things, which for me includes things like: honest, emotionally available, emotionally mature, responsible, good communicator etc . I did it so that when I am caught up in shallow stuff and all those buzzing feelings of heightened chemistry, I have a stable reference point to ask other questions of him, which are of more substance than he gives me orgasms, is so handsome, and pays for stuff. You can feel crazy about someone who is in fact not a realistic or good match for you and I think sometimes people in affairs (just like people dating normally) throw all good sense out the window and think that all these heightened feelings are "true love" or a signal to run off with their AP...when sometimes it is absolutely not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mnogomnogo Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I'm employed, but I'm very unhappy in my job. I don't have a profession and that is a big problem for me right now. Prior to the divorce I was a financial advisor, but I've really let myself down since then. Relationship with MOW was one sided financially only for the first year, then I tried to compensate for this the second year. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I feel for all the parts involved. It sounds complicated, and it's been going on for four years. I can imagine the toll on the kids. I'm sure you'd want to reach some stable ground with everyone, wouldn't you? This situation sounds exhausting. Regarding your wife, when a woman is done she's done, so she's either using the divorce to straighten you ou and make you the perfect husband, or she's after you fiqnncially but it doesn't sound like there's much there that she could want. You seem to want an open M. Doable? Yes, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Plus you'd have to worry about his woman's husband, and what he's do if he found out? Men don't take it well at all when somebody else is having transcendal sex with their woman. Before we give some advice, can you clarify what your AP wants regarding you and her M, and what your W wants or at least says she wants, regarding the M or the divorce. Last, what do you want? Would you want a divorce if it wasn't a legal battle? Do you want a life with AP, or you want to keep your M and family at all cost? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I'm employed, but I'm very unhappy in my job. You are unhappy. That is the root of all your problems. You keep trying to look for a fix in the wrong places. Link to post Share on other sites
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