I think I'm falling in love with my best friend

[baker_xx]

I always know how I should feel, but there’s a big contrast with how I actually do. Romantic love is nothing more than the obsession of being adored by someone you value, and the sensation of being “in love” is only temporary for this reason. While I know all this, I can’t seem to shake off the feelings I’ve developed for my best friend even though they only began when he started giving me attention. And now I can’t stop thinking about him and there seems to be nothing I can do. He constantly talks about how we’re going to get married and that he needs to break up with his girlfriend, that I’d be a better girlfriend, that he wished he didn’t care about her feelings.

 

I was perfectly fine before he started giving me this type of attention. He was always a distant thought fluttering at the back of my mind, but I guess I’ve just been hiding from it this whole time. Now I’ve finally dived deep into my feelings, and there’s no hiding and the fantasies won’t stop. It’s horrible and simultaneously I don’t even know what I want. All I know is I just want to be around him all the time, and when I don’t see him it hurts.

 

I f*cking hate myself for this, and I haven’t even told anyone about it (it’s too embarrassing) …although my other close friends and him as well definitely know. I think the worst part about it is that I’ve developed such an attraction for him considering I never was. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

Edited June 23, 2013 by baker_xx

[JustAReformedGirl]

I always know how I should feel, but there’s a big contrast with how I actually do. Romantic love is nothing more than the obsession of being adored by someone you value, and the sensation of being “in love” is only temporary for this reason. While I know all this, I can’t seem to shake off the feelings I’ve developed for my best friend even though they only began when he started giving me attention. And now I can’t stop thinking about him and there seems to be nothing I can do. He constantly talks about how we’re going to get married and that he needs to break up with his girlfriend, that I’d be a better girlfriend, that he wished he didn’t care about her feelings.

 

I was perfectly fine before he started giving me this type of attention. He was always a distant thought fluttering at the back of my mind, but I guess I’ve just been hiding from it this whole time. Now I’ve finally dived deep into my feelings, and there’s no hiding and the fantasies won’t stop. It’s horrible and simultaneously I don’t even know what I want. All I know is I just want to be around him all the time, and when I don’t see him it hurts.

 

I f*cking hate myself for this, and I haven’t even told anyone about it (it’s too embarrassing) …although my other close friends and him as well definitely know. I think the worst part about it is that I’ve developed such an attraction for him considering I never was. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

 

It's possible that while at first, he was just a distant thought at the back of your mind, that as you've gotten older, and the foundation of your friendship has strengthened, causing you to develop stronger feelings for him than those of "just a friend". It's possible that you kept these feelings buried before (unintentionally) because you may not have believed he could feel the same way. Or, it could be that the attention is gratifying, and thus, make you love the idea of "being in love". (That was the case with my first official boyfriend; I exchanged the L word with him, but after we broke up, I knew I never really loved him. I was in love with the idea).

 

Take some time to explore your feelings; you can't know for sure where your feelings stem from, and if they are what they seem to be. They could be, or they might not be.

 

It's likely your friend is undergoing the same thing. How long as he been with his GF? Is he unhappy with her? If so, why?

 

So, I advise mulling over your feelings, and I also think you should talk to your friend about this, as well. You both need to be clear and honest on how you feel, and any confusion that's stemming from it.

 

Furthermore, don't hate yourself; you can't help how you feel. You haven't done anything wrong. If there is chemistry between you and him, and he's set on being with you and you with him, make sure he does break it off with his GF. She may be angry, hurt, and upset...but at least it would be done honestly.

[baker_xx]

It's possible that while at first, he was just a distant thought at the back of your mind, that as you've gotten older, and the foundation of your friendship has strengthened, causing you to develop stronger feelings for him than those of "just a friend". It's possible that you kept these feelings buried before (unintentionally) because you may not have believed he could feel the same way. Or, it could be that the attention is gratifying, and thus, make you love the idea of "being in love". (That was the case with my first official boyfriend; I exchanged the L word with him, but after we broke up, I knew I never really loved him. I was in love with the idea).

 

Take some time to explore your feelings; you can't know for sure where your feelings stem from, and if they are what they seem to be. They could be, or they might not be.

 

It's likely your friend is undergoing the same thing. How long as he been with his GF? Is he unhappy with her? If so, why?

 

So, I advise mulling over your feelings, and I also think you should talk to your friend about this, as well. You both need to be clear and honest on how you feel, and any confusion that's stemming from it.

 

Furthermore, don't hate yourself; you can't help how you feel. You haven't done anything wrong. If there is chemistry between you and him, and he's set on being with you and you with him, make sure he does break it off with his GF. She may be angry, hurt, and upset...but at least it would be done honestly.

 

I think that's my problem, I've always been fixated with the actual idea of love rather then let it just come naturally. But this is different because he knows me so well, there's a possibility of this becoming real rather then what I think it should be. I think I just have to somehow slow down my growing feelings by keeping myself busy. I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about this one on one with him yet...just because then it's finally out there and I can't take it back.

 

Him and his gf have been together for about a year and a half, about the same time we started becoming really good friends. I haven't really asked why he wants to break up with her, so I only know what he's offered to tell me. That she's too young and he didn't know what he was getting into when they started going out. I also know that she's extremely untrustworthy of him and jealous...so it might be that too.

 

And lately the chemistry is really intense, probably just my attraction growing. Not sure if this is worth mentioning, but he always seems to give me more of "that attention" when we're with our friends, and he's not as forward when we're alone. I don't know what this means, maybe it's all a game for him. Or maybe he's afraid of what would happen if he acted that way when we were alone. I honestly don't know what he would do if I made a move (I would never-I'm friends with his gf) because he's very loyal when he's in a relationship.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Definitely take your time with this, then. You don't want to give him false signals (albeit accidentally0 to proceed further, especially when you're not sure where you stand on this.

 

What kind of attention does he give you, may I ask? I'm not really sure why he does it only with other people around; especially when any one of your friends could bring this to his GF's attention.

 

I suggest treading carefully, until you're sure of how you feel, and of what his intentions are. Keep it as light as possible with him.

[baker_xx]

Well it started about 3 months ago, he calls me "my baby" and just started talking in front of me to our friends how we're going to get married (He did mention it before when we were alone but I just ignored it)..I wondered the same thing about one of them telling his gf. So I'm thinking that he might just like the attention, or maybe it's his way of weaning off his relationship...idk. I'm just really over thinking it because I'm confused

 

Just whenever we go out he's all over me, joking that he's going to text all the guys I'm texting that I'm not interested. He's just very touchy with me and is always hugging me, wiping stuff off my lips and cheek. I went travelling for 2 months when all this started to happen and he told me the "the best gift I could give him is simply coming home." When he says he loves me, I'm not sure if he means more than a friend now. (He has a lot of girl friends and says this with them too)

[JustAReformedGirl]

Well it started about 3 months ago, he calls me "my baby" and just started talking in front of me to our friends how we're going to get married (He did mention it before when we were alone but I just ignored it)..I wondered the same thing about one of them telling his gf. So I'm thinking that he might just like the attention, or maybe it's his way of weaning off his relationship...idk.

 

I know you don't feel ready to talk to him about it, but I really think you should. If he's just doing all this so he can get out of his relationship (the coward's way, I might add) it's not fair for him to leave you in the dark.

 

Aside from that, he's sounding kind of possessive. Like he's marking his territory, or something.

 

 

I'm just really over thinking it because I'm confused

 

I don't think you're over-thinking. I think you're thinking about it just the right amount. Something definitely is up, and he's either trying to drop you some not-so-subtle hints, or he's being very misleading.

 

Just whenever we go out he's all over me, joking that he's going to text all the

guys I'm texting that I'm not interested.

 

I'm going back to the territorial/possessive thing here. He may sound like he's joking, but honestly, it sounds like he feels that way, at least in part.

 

He's just very touchy with me and is always hugging me, wiping stuff off my lips and cheek. I went travelling for 2 months when all this started to happen and he told me the "the best gift I could give him is simply coming home." When he says he loves me, I'm not sure if he means more than a friend now. (He has a lot of girl friends and says this with them too)

 

The only way you're going to find out is if you confront him about it. Does his GF know he says that stuff to his female friends? Ask him that, and if he means it platonically when he says it to you. Sorry, but if it were me, little red flags would be going off, coupled with blaring sirens.

 

I'm not saying he isn't trustworthy; but, I am saying don't discount the possibility that he isn't. How long have you known each other? Before he started acting this way with you, do you recall his interactions with others? If so, did any of his other interactions (with other females) reflect his actions with you? He could be a womanizer.

 

He could also be a really good guy, but in your shoes, I'd really consider confronting him on the whole thing. It's the only way you'll know what's going on, and if he's worth your time.

[baker_xx]

Thanks for all the helpful advice, but I think I'm just going to try and slow down my growing feelings if that's possible. What worked before is remembering he has a gf and that we're not right for each other...which I've always believed. As for his possessiveness, that's not really my problem because how can he expect me to take him seriously when he's the one with the girlfriend? Also I don't really think it's time for us to talk about it, because our friendship would be changed forever...and that will have serious consequences on our circle of friends.

 

As for the whole I love you thing, it's just how he is. He's a very expressive person, and he certainly meant platonically before...I'm just unsure now. We've been good friends for about 2 years, and I know him fairly well. He knows what he wants and he's just not afraid to voice it, nor is he embarrassed.

 

I've already been thinking this into depth too much and I just want to let it go. It is what it is, he has a gf and as long as they're together nothing is going to happen and I'm okay with that.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thanks for all the helpful advice, but I think I'm just going to try and slow down my growing feelings if that's possible. What worked before is remembering he has a gf and that we're not right for each other...which I've always believed.

 

You're welcome. It may be difficult, but it sounds like you're making the right choice. Things may change down the road, but it's good that you're taking stock of the situation, and not jumping to conclusions too quickly. After all, you're not entirely certain about what your feelings are.

 

As for his possessiveness, that's not really my problem because how can he

expect me to take him seriously when he's the one with the girlfriend?

 

This is an excellent point. You really are doing well on this.

 

 

Also I don't really think it's time for us to talk about it, because our

friendship would be changed forever...and that will have serious consequences on

our circle of friends.

 

I can understand that; if a discussion ever needs to occur (if only to call him out on his behaviour), you will know if/when it's the right time. Do you have a plan of action though, to get him to decrease his behaviour toward you? If he keeps it up, he may cross a line. If he doesn't cross a line, it still would be unfair to you, emotionally. You need time to strengthen your resolve; if he's still being that close with you, it would only make it harder for you in that regard.

 

As for the whole I love you thing, it's just how he is. He's a very expressive

person, and he certainly meant platonically before...I'm just unsure now. We've

been good friends for about 2 years, and I know him fairly well. He knows what

he wants and he's just not afraid to voice it, nor is he embarrassed.

 

Emotionally, he sounds very healthy. He's not afraid to express his emotions, which can be quite difficult with the double-standards of today; particularly in regards to just how emotional men "should" be, how often, over what, etc. So it's good that he's not afraid to say what he feels. Perhaps he still meant it platonically, but it's hard to say.

 

I've already been thinking this into depth too much and I just want to let it go. It is what it is, he has a gf and as long as they're together nothing is going to happen and I'm okay with that.

 

You should be proud of yourself; it's a real show of good character that you have this level of resolve, despite how difficult it may be.

 

I wish you the best of luck.