Update!

[amkxoxo]

Many of you commented of my threads before about my long distance problems. I figured I would share a new update and new information. Many of you had told me to move on, and leave my guy, but I just coudln't. I felt like, Yes all the evidence was there screaming at me, but you guys didn't know him and I did. It got to the point where, his calls and texts were so random, and when I would respond or try to initiate I would get nothing back. I got super paranoid and sad, so I knew I had to have it out with him on the phone. I didn't back down and I actually feel like it released a lot of the problems that were eating away at me. I couldn't keep stuff inside anymore and it felt so good to talk to him and tell the truth. I feel like it has lifted a weight off my shoulders to openly communicate with him again, which is what was causing the awkward phone calls all the time. I was a little snippy with him, because I wanted answers, and he was a little dissapointed that I was upset, because he warned me of this before we left for summer and I told him I could handle it. I hope he still thinks I can. I understand so much more now than I did when we were in school. He told me he has been in and out of the hospital and not able to communicate with anyone really. He gets text messages days later and tries to reply when he can. His depression is really bad and he is trying to get it under control. His life sucks right now. I felt so bad, because all I wanted was his attention and I couldnt understand why I couldnt receive it. He explained to me that we had a good thing going at school and that we dated and went steady for a while. He said he thinks I deserve a lot better and thats why he is saying no to a relationship. He has so many problems and things to deal with within himself that he can't give me 100%, which is what I deserve. He told me that he would make a great boyfriend and would want to treat me as nice as I treat him, but its not a good time in his life for it, and he thinks because of all his problems it would fail. He said that I deserve someone who can call me everyday and come and see me and right now he just can't do that. He said "hearing from me once a week wouldn't be a relationship", and he doesn't want us to fail. He said he wishes things were different, but he has so much hope for the future. He said that if he was stable enough for a relationship that he would fight for me and I would know it. He would be romantic, and he said "you deserve all the niceness in the world" It was all very sweet. He really thinks we can try it in the future and said that he doesn't want to throw away what we have, but wait a while. He told me that if I end up meeting someone in the meantime and want to go out with them, I can, he just wants me to tell him. I really don't want to though. He needs to focus on himself and getting beter first. I respect that. The fact that he admitted that we had such a good thing at school and we "meshed" so well together, made me feel so much better. I have more piece of mind now. When he doesn't respond now I don't feel bad anymore, because he is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself. I wish I could be with him now, but hopefully in the future we can make it happen. The only thing that still gets me is....how long do I wait? is this going to be a few months thing....or a year?? I have set my sights that I will wait a year from now. But after that I am graduating from college and will move on with my life with him or without him. I text him everyday hoping he is doing good and other sweet, supportive things etcc...I don't hear back from him, but I'm okay with it. Were not in a relationship and I'm just trying to show him I care. You can judge me for this but I truly feel I am doing the right thing, and I respect the fact that he won't get into somehting with me because he can't give me all of him. These kind of guys are few and far in between.

[Carenth]

As a guy who suffered from crippling depression for several years. You need to listen to what he is saying and let him deal with his demons. You can't fix him, this is something he has to do for himself.

He is telling you he needs to deal with this and to go live your life. This won't be something he will tackle over night and it will take a long time.

 

You are being incredibly needy, bordering obsession, texting him everyday will drive him insane. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship, what are you hanging onto now? more importantly why?.

This guy is basically screaming at you to leave him alone. That he can't deliver on any promises and that you should move on and find someone better.

[amkxoxo]

he said he doesn't want to throw away what we had and he wants to try in the future. He said that he loves that I'm still in his life and that we still talk as much as we can. This conversation gave me the reassurance I needed, and gave me more understanding into his depression. I am no longer trying to fix him, but trying to support him. I have been texting him once a day asking him how he is and showing my support, and telling him something cool I did that day. I feel like this is being nice and showing him that I realize we can't talk all the time, but I think of him. He said its not that he doesn't want a relationship right now, he said that he can't get into one because he needs to take care of himself and I told him I supported him and the fact that he needs to get better as a number one priority. He told me that if I found someone I really liked and I really wanted to go out with them, I could, but he wants me to let him know about it. I realize this won't be fixed very quickly, but he was very adament about us getting together at some point in the future. He said about him being a great boyfriend to me at sime point, he mentioned being "romantic" and 100% invested, and that he would fight for me and I would know it. He said he wants to give me all I deserve, and that he knows he can't right now and it wouldn't be fair to me to be in a 100%/ 50% relationship. He wants to give me "all the niceness in the world" as he says, when he is able, which isn't right now. He said "Why Now" and "what would that do" and "it wouldnt be a relationship for you" ...."why can't it be at a later time" I might seem crazy, but I believe him and every since we talked I have been less insecure, knowing that he still really likes me. I am more confident, and have been thinking about myself more. Before we had this conversation, our texting and calls were awkward and uncomfortable. I wasn't telling him the truth about how I felt and was letting it spin out of control. During this conversation, we started joking and being ourselves again. I was totally myself with him and said what was on my mind. It was like we were talking at school. I need to be myself all the time, thats the person he truly likes. I appreciate your responses and will take it all into consideration.

[amkxoxo]

I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing, saying etcc...I feel like its nice. Sending a sweet text everyday thinking it might brighten his day, let him know I am here for him, and I now know not to have high expectations of a response, which I haven't gotten. I am okay with this. At the end of the conversation the other night he told me he would talk to me soon. If its tomorrow or a week from now, I know not to freak out. A week before our intense conversation, he called me late late at night to talk. We chatted for a brief 10 mins since I had a friend over and he didn't want to intrude. He mentioned it in our intense conversation recently. He told me he called me because he was in a really really bad place and mood, and he figured he would call me and talking to me would make him feel better.

[Carenth]

You probably think I'm an ******* for the way I'm replying. Honestly I'm replying because it's painful to read your posts. Lets look again at what you wrote and dispell what is reality and what is fantasy.

 

he said he doesn't want to throw away what we had and he wants to try in the future.

 

Fantasy, pure fantasy he knows he can't give you what you want because he has his own issues. Promises of a future been together is nothing but hollow words at this point.

 

He said that he loves that I'm still in his life and that we still talk as much as we can.

 

Yet he will not reply to nearly all of your communication.

 

This conversation gave me the reassurance I needed, and gave me more understanding into his depression. I am no longer trying to fix him, but trying to support him. I have been texting him once a day asking him how he is and showing my support, and telling him something cool I did that day. I feel like this is being nice and showing him that I realize we can't talk all the time, but I think of him.

 

Let me give you some insight into depression or at least my experience with depression. I had a friend similar to you who decided they needed to check up on me on a near daily basis. I know in their heart they thought they were doing a nice thing. Honestly it just made me feel guilty as ****, because I was so deep in my own pit of wallow that I did not want to talk to anyone and it just made me feel like a ****ty friend for not replying.

 

I eventually had to tell the friend that I appreciated their concern but I would contact them if I needed support and didn't need them constantly watching over my shoulder. This is what I meant about spamming him with texts everyday will drive him insane. Especially if he is not replying take a hint. If anything the constant check in's made me push them away because it made me feel worse.

 

He said its not that he doesn't want a relationship right now, he said that he can't get into one because he needs to take care of himself and I told him I supported him and the fact that he needs to get better as a number one priority. He told me that if I found someone I really liked and I really wanted to go out with them, I could, but he wants me to let him know about it. I realize this won't be fixed very quickly, but he was very adament about us getting together at some point in the future. He said about him being a great boyfriend to me at sime point, he mentioned being "romantic" and 100% invested, and that he would fight for me and I would know it. He said he wants to give me all I deserve, and that he knows he can't right now and it wouldn't be fair to me to be in a 100%/ 50% relationship. He wants to give me "all the niceness in the world" as he says, when he is able, which isn't right now. He said "Why Now" and "what would that do" and "it wouldnt be a relationship for you" ...."why can't it be at a later time" I might seem crazy, but I believe him and every since we talked I have been less insecure, knowing that he still really likes me.

 

Oh boy where do I even start with this. You know what I will just remove all of the fantasy crap and leave the important part for you.

 

He said that he can't get into one because he needs to take care of himself. He can't right now and it wouldn't be fair to me to be in a 100%/ 50% relationship, as he says, when he is able, which isn't right now. He said "Why Now" and "what would that do" and "it wouldnt be a relationship for you".

 

This is what you need to focus on. The rest is pointless promises he cannot keep and is not in line with reality at all.

 

I am more confident, and have been thinking about myself more.

 

You're still needy, clingy, codependent, obsessed with someone who is incapable of reciprocating your feelings. When you start thinking about yourself is when you stop texting him every day accept he can't be the person you are looking for and start moving on with your life. Not waiting around for a future that won't come.

 

Before we had this conversation, our texting and calls were awkward and uncomfortable. I wasn't telling him the truth about how I felt and was letting it spin out of control. During this conversation, we started joking and being ourselves again. I was totally myself with him and said what was on my mind. It was like we were talking at school. I need to be myself all the time, thats the person he truly likes. I appreciate your responses and will take it all into consideration.

 

You keep bringing this up in nearly every post. I'm sorry but that is the past, that is not now. You seem to be living in the past and the future but neglecting the present and what is happening right now. It's seriously depressing reading this over and over again. Snap out of it!

Edited June 24, 2013 by Carenth

[amkxoxo]

I know what your are saying, and in the long run you are right, but its so much easier said than done. I need to ease back into being myself and slowly let him go and let me in. I understand what your trying to tell me, but at the same time you keep bringing up the fact that he and i will never happen. Why does he seem so adament and keep bringing up the fact that he wants us to be together at a later time, if he does not want to be with me at all?? He has said it a lot, so i don't get it?? I appreciate your insight into depression. I have read up on things to try and gage him better. He is so confusing sometimes. He goes MIA when he's depressed as he wallows in himself. But when he is just in a normal state of mind, he complains about how people don't care enough about him and forget about him when he's sick.This is why I felt it nice to text him everyday to show him I care. He has mentioned this in the past, and also complained that when he tells people he isn't doing well, people try and contact him about futile things such as boyfriend problems or drama etc... So he doesn't really tell people anymore. Like make up your mind man, do you want me to care a lot, but you don't tell me when your sick. Or do you want me to go about my life, and wait?? I don't get it.

[Archanaart]

Move on already.

 

I don't get why you're working yourself over something that may not happen. I certainly wouldn't wait around for a potential relationship when I could be out meeting great guys. I met my wonderful loving boyfriend right after I got through some difficult things. And the important thing is that I was open to new things and people. I wasn't hung up on my old situation. I'm so glad I met him and I didn't let the opportunity pass by just because I was obsessing over something fake and filled with empty promises.

 

He says he wants a relationship in the future. Okay he likes you to an extent. But what if in the future when he's better he looks at you like damn you know what I don't want a relationship with you anymore.

 

Then what?

 

Things happen and people change what they want. and people change in general. What's to say he won't change how he feels.

 

You let so much time and great guys pass you by all because you waited for empty promises.

 

Might as well get him outta of your system and let it be. You're chasing someone who isn't there doesn't want to be with you right now. Go through the pain now when he's not around to text back and then maybe in the future when you're both ready meet up and talk.

 

Now is not the time. So stop trying make something work when there isn't something to workout.

 

P.s - give him some space. I sure as hell wouldn't want someone texting me everyday. How about texting him once a week? Then moving onto texting him every two weeks? Then three? Then stop?

 

Start slow and you'll get there.

Edited June 24, 2013 by Archanaart

[justwhoiam]

I know what your are saying, and in the long run you are right, but its so much easier said than done.

It's part of growing up. You need to make decisions and at times it seems difficult.

 

Why does he seem so adament and keep bringing up the fact that he wants us to be together at a later time, if he does not want to be with me at all??

What would you want him to say? "Get over me because there's no chance I'll be back with you?" Really? He's sugar-coating the pill for you. He's depressed, but not stupid. He can tell how worked up and upset you are over this. The crying etc. So please, as you've been told: let him be.

 

Mature relationships don't fall from up above like manna from heaven. You need to set the ground for it to happen and grow up in the meantime. That doesn't mean being less sensitive, rather getting familiar with yourself and your feelings.

 

He goes MIA when he's depressed as he wallows in himself. But when he is just in a normal state of mind, he complains about how people don't care enough about him and forget about him when he's sick.This is why I felt it nice to text him everyday to show him I care. He has mentioned this in the past, and also complained that when he tells people he isn't doing well, people try and contact him about futile things such as boyfriend problems or drama etc... So he doesn't really tell people anymore. Like make up your mind man, do you want me to care a lot, but you don't tell me when your sick. Or do you want me to go about my life, and wait?? I don't get it.

It's very simple. For one, you don't text him every day. He clearly stated that he gets bothered when he lets a friend know he's not well, and all he gets in return is someone too caught up with their own stuff to not even care he's not feeling well. If he reaches out to his friend X because he's being low, and this friend starts a monologue on how he's fed up with the food at the canteen, it's clear his friend couldn't care less about how he feels. Which has nothing to do with you pestering him with texts.

 

Do yourself a favor and start meeting new people and get over him. Not only this guy has health issues, but he's not in love with you to have a relationship with you. You can't base your life on a number of IFs.

[HeavenOrHell]

I think he is being a bit unclear with you, maybe because he is trying to be kind, if he really thinks he wants to try again with you in the future I would only take his word on this IF he is showing you that he is working through his problems and changing them and if he is making it clear that he wants a future with you when he more stable.

If he isn't sure he can change or isn't totally sure he wants a future with you then he should tell you he can't make false promises as he doesn't know what the future will being and can't expect you to wait for something which is unlikely to happen.

He's left you dangling in a way with talk of hoping to try again one day, which is unfair of him, but maybe he just doesn't know the answers or what the future will bring.

I would back off and give him space.

[amkxoxo]

It's part of growing up. You need to make decisions and at times it seems difficult.

 

What would you want him to say? "Get over me because there's no chance I'll be back with you?" Really? He's sugar-coating the pill for you. He's depressed, but not stupid. He can tell how worked up and upset you are over this. The crying etc. So please, as you've been told: let him be.

 

Mature relationships don't fall from up above like manna from heaven. You need to set the ground for it to happen and grow up in the meantime. That doesn't mean being less sensitive, rather getting familiar with yourself and your feelings.

 

It's very simple. For one, you don't text him every day. He clearly stated that he gets bothered when he lets a friend know he's not well, and all he gets in return is someone too caught up with their own stuff to not even care he's not feeling well. If he reaches out to his friend X because he's being low, and this friend starts a monologue on how he's fed up with the food at the canteen, it's clear his friend couldn't care less about how he feels. Which has nothing to do with you pestering him with texts.

 

Do yourself a favor and start meeting new people and get over him. Not only this guy has health issues, but he's not in love with you to have a relationship with you. You can't base your life on a number of IFs.

 

 

Well he is very blunt and honest so I don't know about sugar coating. He hates that I sugar coat things because we have talked about it. He dated one of my friends years ago and he decided after 2 months he just didn't think it would work out and he didn't like her personality. He came out right away and told her he just didnt like her and he was very brutally honest. He has told me he has told girls straight out when he doesn't like them or doesn't want to be with them anymore. I haven't cried at all to him, I jad a little bit of an attitutde because I wantedanswers form him and I was trying to stand my ground.

[amkxoxo]

I agree he is definitely unclear, because to be honest he truly doesn't know what will happen and what the future holds. He told me that at school. He was like "Oh you never know I could be really sick this summer or me and you could be sitting in my hottub drinking drinks" so like ...confusing much?? obviously he's sick unfortunately. Like during the conversation I kind of kept asking him what we were and I told him that I just can't call him my friend. He was like well we went steady and had a good thing at school, we went so well together, so no. Then he said "call it what you want" .....rude much Unlike my friend he dated he has told me he likes my personality and he thinks we go good together. He said it during the conversation. At one point he told my friend that "he was looking for blue, and she was red, it wasn't going to work." Then he told me "You're definitely blue" At one point he told me I had all the attributes he looks for in a girl. This guy doesn't know what he wants so all I can do is wait around and just live my life and do what I need to do for me.

[Archanaart]

Have fun waiting around for a guy who may never come around sweetie while the rest of us move on and live our lives.

 

xo

[amkxoxo]

just live my life and do what I need to do for me.

 

I am living my life. Yes I think about him a lot, and I wish things could be different. But I am doing what I need to do for me and living my life. I have a good job which I have been at everyday. I have been hanging out with all my local friends and doing fun stuff. I spend time with my family and cherish our time together. I have responsibilities that I have to get done. Right now I am not seeing anyone else, and I'm okay with that. I haven't really been meeting tons of new people so I don't think me meeting someone is going to happen anytime soon. Maybe when school starts I will be around a lot more people and who knows maybe I will meet a great guy?? Right now i'm not in the frame of mind to date, because I'm still trying to cope and move on. I feel like going out with someone else I would feel like I'm betraying him or something. From what he told me If I meet someone I really like or want to go out with then I can go out with them and he wants me to tell him about it. He also said that since I haven't dated a lot he would rather me go through serial dating many people before me and him get together??? wierd. I know.Because I think many of his ex's wanted to see what else was out there and dumped him for other people. I think he is afraid of this. But I am living my life, I'm just trying to maintain comfortable distant contact with him as well. I'm Trying Here.

Edited June 24, 2013 by amkxoxo

[justwhoiam]

Just text/email him something like this: After our last conversation and three months of dating you, I understood I don't stand a chance to be your girlfriend, which is what I found out I was looking for. Sorry it didn't work. I wish you well with everything and I will see new people as soon as I feel like dating again, but don't expect me to keep you up to date on my love life.

All the best, (yourname)

[Carenth]

You owe him absolutely nothing. If you want to date someone else then you go right ahead you don't need his permission. If you don't want to date someone else then that is find as well. However what is clear is that the communication you have with him is not exactly healthy as it seems to be causing you a lot of suffering. You need to start dialing it back for your own sanity. If he treated his ex's even remotely how he treated you I understand why they dumped him.

 

First off he is actively pushing you away saying you deserve better and such. No idea why but that sort of inferiority complex generally is really unattractive over time. Then making promises he has no idea if he can keep or not. You say he is blunt, I think he is much anything but blunt. I am blunt, I never make promises I can not deliver on and tell it how it is.

 

I can tell you none of what he said he can deliver on if he is fighting crippling depression. It's not fun dating a downer who is always depressed. Not saying you can't date someone with depression, but it can be challenging. For a lot of people it can be too much to handle and that is fine it doesn't make you a horrible person for walking away. It's not your job to fix them.

Edited June 24, 2013 by Carenth

[amkxoxo]

I realize its tough for him right now and thats why I am trying to be supportive. Its not so much I can't handle his depression its his communication. I think he was trying to convey to me that summer won't be great for him and he knew he woud be dealing with a lot, but he did not tell it in a way that was clear and understandable. At school we had talked about it and he had warned me that "you might not hear from me for a week and you'll probably freak" and I reassured him I wouldn't, but words and actually experiencing it is different. So yes I freaked out a little, but now I'm okay. Thats why this conversation was so good for us, because it gave me more understanding of the situation. I'm not bothered that I don't hear from him for a week, because he explained it. If it happend again, I'm just living my life and when he feels better he can contact me. I think he was sad on the phone cause he kept saying "i warned you and you said you could handle it, and you can't." I feel like he is so quick to judge. He has told me that he has pushed people away purposefully, and they now hate him because he felt they couldn't handle it. I have told him that it bothers me that he could do that to me at any moment. I feel like that isn't healthy. He respects that I feel that way. I'm really not trying to fix him, I was more concerned and seeking answers that I wasn't getting. How the heck am I suppose to know whats going on when I don't hear from him for like a week. I think anybody would be worried too. He hinted to me in the past that his ex would go off and live her life and almost didn't care if she heard from him cause he was doing his thing. And he loved her. But to me that doesn't seem like she cared all that much about him. Now atleast I can sit back and enjoy my life. I don't have my phone glued to my body anymore. And if he does respond, I respond in due time, when I have time, because I have a life too. Literally, the conversation we had gave me back my sanity. I care about him, but I can about me now more. I'm on a great diet and I'm trying to work as much as I can to keep paying my bills.

[Chris516]

I realize its tough for him right now and thats why I am trying to be supportive. Its not so much I can't handle his depression its his communication. I think he was trying to convey to me that summer won't be great for him and he knew he woud be dealing with a lot, but he did not tell it in a way that was clear and understandable. At school we had talked about it and he had warned me that "you might not hear from me for a week and you'll probably freak" and I reassured him I wouldn't, but words and actually experiencing it is different. So yes I freaked out a little, but now I'm okay. Thats why this conversation was so good for us, because it gave me more understanding of the situation. I'm not bothered that I don't hear from him for a week, because he explained it. If it happend again, I'm just living my life and when he feels better he can contact me. I think he was sad on the phone cause he kept saying "i warned you and you said you could handle it, and you can't." I feel like he is so quick to judge. He has told me that he has pushed people away purposefully, and they now hate him because he felt they couldn't handle it. I have told him that it bothers me that he could do that to me at any moment. I feel like that isn't healthy. He respects that I feel that way. I'm really not trying to fix him, I was more concerned and seeking answers that I wasn't getting. How the heck am I suppose to know whats going on when I don't hear from him for like a week. I think anybody would be worried too. He hinted to me in the past that his ex would go off and live her life and almost didn't care if she heard from him cause he was doing his thing. And he loved her. But to me that doesn't seem like she cared all that much about him. Now atleast I can sit back and enjoy my life. I don't have my phone glued to my body anymore. And if he does respond, I respond in due time, when I have time, because I have a life too. Literally, the conversation we had gave me back my sanity. I care about him, but I can about me now more. I'm on a great diet and I'm trying to work as much as I can to keep paying my bills.

 

I read your thread, along with the replies you received. I am going through pretty much the same situation. My fiance(if that is what she still is) n' I have been in an LDR since 2007(yes, I know, a long time). She was diagnosed with OCD in her teens(we are in our mid-40's).

 

Starting in the Fall of 2011 the communication started to become less n' less. I told her, from her lack of communication, I could 'see the writing on the wall'. She said she didn't want to break up, but that she would have no problem if I found someone local to me, that could also communicate better. I told her, I didn't want anyone else. The communication did get better for a while. But starting around the beginning of 2013, it got seldom again. To where it is sometimes 7-10 days that I hear anything from her.

 

Also, Like your boyfriend, it would be a one-sided communication. Where my fiance would say something, but not respond to my reply. My fiance does have a lot of OCD guilt. But in my fiance's case, lately, it has also seemed like waves. Part of the time, she will be telling me to find someone better. The other part of the time, she will be lovey-dovey. When she asks why I don't want to look for someone else, I tell her that I have taken a 'for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part' approach to our relationship.

 

Because, There have been plenty of times, had I been callous and cold-hearted, that I would have ended the relationship. But while her OCD has been a little tough at times, there definitely been countless more times where her OCD has actually had a beneficial affect. I am not trying to sound like I am using her. But I figured, if she is going to obsess, why not see if she can somehow alter her OCD, to obsess on something good, instead of something bad. To that end, she obsessed on my eyes and skin(I am a cyclist and ride in the bright sun). She obsessed on my hearing(she bought me super good hearing protection for when I was working with some power tools). She obsessed on the SAR rating of my cell phone(a justifiable concern considering that I only use a cell phone instead of a landline, and I do feel cell phone radiation is an important issue).

 

I deal with the lack of communication by, sometimes thinking one of us is in the military on deployment and doesn't have much time to talk.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Chris516

[amkxoxo]

Thank you for sharing your story. Wow that sounds like its been a long roller coaster of a relationship. I totally understand the ups and downs. Literally some days at school he would be so happy and flirtatious and other day, sometimes even the same day he would be cold and distant. I know it had nothing to do with me but you can't help but feel rejected as your number one emotion. Legit there was a weekend at school where I didn't hear from him but he would be on social media and walking around campus. I sat crying because I didn't understand and then suddenly he started texting again and wanting me around. Just last night I had posted on my Facebook that I was driving down to our school which is in between our two houses for the weekend. He must have seen it because he texted me saying...." hey I'm going down to **** too" I asked him why and a couple other general questions but was hesitant to bring up meeting up or making plans because I wanted him to suggest it. He eventually stopped replying but probably fell asleep. He down tell me that this week is his last week of classes and after they are done he wants to get his life together. Im hoping this is a good sign but I have learned not to have expectations anymore and just go with the flow. I am kind of hoping between now and Thursday he will want to make a plan to see me at school, cause why would he have texted me that if he didn't. I just don't know if I should bring it up???

[Chris516]

Thank you for sharing your story. Wow that sounds like its been a long roller coaster of a relationship. I totally understand the ups and downs. Literally some days at school he would be so happy and flirtatious and other day, sometimes even the same day he would be cold and distant. I know it had nothing to do with me but you can't help but feel rejected as your number one emotion. Legit there was a weekend at school where I didn't hear from him but he would be on social media and walking around campus. I sat crying because I didn't understand and then suddenly he started texting again and wanting me around. Just last night I had posted on my Facebook that I was driving down to our school which is in between our two houses for the weekend. He must have seen it because he texted me saying...." hey I'm going down to **** too" I asked him why and a couple other general questions but was hesitant to bring up meeting up or making plans because I wanted him to suggest it. He eventually stopped replying but probably fell asleep. He down tell me that this week is his last week of classes and after they are done he wants to get his life together. Im hoping this is a good sign but I have learned not to have expectations anymore and just go with the flow. I am kind of hoping between now and Thursday he will want to make a plan to see me at school, cause why would he have texted me that if he didn't. I just don't know if I should bring it up???

 

One thing I think I forgot to mention, was that in May around my birthday, she told me my birthday present was coming. Well, With my fiance's spotty and one-sided communications of late, I have felt like I should just forget about it this year. Because I never saw it this year. The last five years, I always received something.

[amkxoxo]

Awww wow thats so sad. I totally understand what your saying. It gives you false hope right?? I hate it. He's the same way. If he's in a great mood he's down to do anything with me and planning stuff, but when he's not which seems to be all the time lately he won't. I mentioned to him that my parents might take us up to a beach spot for a weekend this summer and I told him maybe he could come, not knowing that his depression was raging. He started being really snippy and telling me he didn't know where he was going to be then, or if he could do that. He seemed mad I asked or even had the idea. It made me sad. Like back at school two weeks before we went long distance he told me he was "working on some surprises for me" I never got them, maybe they fell through, but I never got them. I tried not to dwell on them because I didn't want to be let down. I have concert tickets for him. I was going to give them to him when he graduated, but I didnt know where we stood so I figured keeping them for the summer wouldnt hurt and if I saw him them I could do it. I still have them and don't know what I should do about them. Like I'm glad he wants to turn his life around after this week but is it enough?? I'm going on a long family vacation where we are driving a far distance and staying for a week in a house with my whole family. He has met my aunt and my mother, but no the rest of them. We are driving thorugh the state he lives in and it would be a free vacation so he wouldnt have to pay, which is a big thing for him now. My brother can no longer go on the vacation so I have been trying to get my mom to let him come with us instead. She is hestitant since he hasn't been treating me the best because of his problems and beause my father doesn't know him. I really want him to come, but even if I get permission to ask him he might say no anyway. The fact that he texted me that he was going to be down at our school on the same day as me..does it mean he wants to see me, cause he could gone in taken his final exam and left without me knowing he was there??? It really doess sound like we have similar stories. Its intereting. I commend you for staying with her, because you care about her and don't want to leave her high and dry. Thats nice.

[Chris516]

Awww wow that's so sad. I totally understand what your saying. It gives you false hope right?? I hate it. He's the same way. If he's in a great mood he's down to do anything with me and planning stuff, but when he's not which seems to be all the time lately he won't. I mentioned to him that my parents might take us up to a beach spot for a weekend this summer and I told him maybe he could come, not knowing that his depression was raging. He started being really snippy and telling me he didn't know where he was going to be then, or if he could do that. He seemed mad I asked or even had the idea. It made me sad. Like back at school two weeks before we went long distance he told me he was "working on some surprises for me" I never got them, maybe they fell through, but I never got them. I tried not to dwell on them because I didn't want to be let down. I have concert tickets for him. I was going to give them to him when he graduated, but I didn't know where we stood so I figured keeping them for the summer wouldn't hurt and if I saw him them I could do it. I still have them and don't know what I should do about them. Like I'm glad he wants to turn his life around after this week but is it enough?? I'm going on a long family vacation where we are driving a far distance and staying for a week in a house with my whole family. He has met my aunt and my mother, but not the rest of them. We are driving through the state he lives in and it would be a free vacation so he wouldn't have to pay, which is a big thing for him now. My brother can no longer go on the vacation so I have been trying to get my mom to let him come with us instead. She is hesitant since he hasn't been treating me the best because of his problems and because my father doesn't know him. I really want him to come, but even if I get permission to ask him he might say no anyway. The fact that he texted me that he was going to be down at our school on the same day as me..does it mean he wants to see me, cause he could gone in taken his final exam and left without me knowing he was there??? It really does sound like we have similar stories. Its interpreting. I commend you for staying with her, because you care about her and don't want to leave her high and dry. That's nice.

 

To a certain extent, yes. It does give me false hope. But there have been bigger things that fell under that.

 

Last year, there was a medical conference in the county specific to my health, and they had chosen a hotel in the southern end of the county for the bi-annual conference. She had said she would come for the conference. I was elated, but felt little questionable as to whether she would actually come out here. As I suspected, it never happened. So ended up going to the conference myself. I don't think she ever mentioned to her parents', about possibly coming out here. What made it worse, was that an 'online' friend of mine that is a Canadian citizen and I have known since 2003, nearly died last year. Several days before the start of the conference started, her boyfriend notified me via Yahoo Messenger, that she was ill and had gone into a coma. She had actually been telling me for more than a week that she had been having headaches, after falling n' hitting her head at work. The first day of the conference, my thoughts were filled with the fact my fiance wasn't here, and not knowing whether my online friend was going to survive. As a result, I had an emotional breakdown crying uncontrollably about the friend who was(at that point), near death. While also desperately wishing that my fiance had come out here for the conference. When the 'online' friend finally came out of the coma three weeks later, she ended up being diagnosed with two of the three physical health problems I have had all my life.

 

Several weeks ago, my fiance said to me, that she wished I had gotten together with my 'online' friend. I immediately told my fiance, it would never have worked out, if I had done that. Even before the 'online' friend's occasional self-righteous, indignant, and rude behavior. There is the issue of my medical coverage. Since I can't drop my medical insurance without risking never getting health insurance again. Because of the three life-long congenital health problems. Which my ignorant (ex, 1992-2000)wife could never cope with.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Chris516

[amkxoxo]

Woww. It seems like my guy and your girl should be friend. Its always about her, even when its about you. Same with my guy, its always about him. I'm fine supporting him through his issues and standing by him like you do with your girl, but will it ever be me. He told me that when we get in a relationship he will be 100% committed to me and he said all this wonderful stuff that he would do as a "boyfriend" to me. I want that so bad, but at the same time I havre to question, he has the perfect set up right now. He has a girl that will be there for him all the time, and care about him so much, and no committment right now. But I let it go because I do really think he cares for me, but he has so much going on. I pray that he will be with me eventually. I want him so bad. He literally said I have all the attributes he looks for in a girl, and he is everything I've been looking for too. I'm 21 now, but when I was 16 I was sexually assaulted by a guy at school, and I never told anyone close to me and dealt with it by myself. I told some girlfriends, but I don't think they truly understood. I have some issues getting close intimately with men. This guy has made me so comfortable, and he is so respectful of it all. He has gotten closer to me than anyone else ever. I cherish that.

[Chris516]

Woww. It seems like my guy and your girl should be friend. Its always about her, even when its about you. Same with my guy, its always about him. I'm fine supporting him through his issues and standing by him like you do with your girl, but will it ever be me. He told me that when we get in a relationship he will be 100% committed to me and he said all this wonderful stuff that he would do as a "boyfriend" to me. I want that so bad, but at the same time I have to question, he has the perfect set up right now. He has a girl that will be there for him all the time, and care about him so much, and no commitment right now. But I let it go because I do really think he cares for me, but he has so much going on. I pray that he will be with me eventually. I want him so bad. He literally said I have all the attributes he looks for in a girl, and he is everything I've been looking for too. I'm 21 now, but when I was 16 I was sexually assaulted by a guy at school, and I never told anyone close to me and dealt with it by myself. I told some girlfriends, but I don't think they truly understood. I have some issues getting close intimately with men. This guy has made me so comfortable, and he is so respectful of it all. He has gotten closer to me than anyone else ever. I cherish that.

 

Yes, It certainly does.

 

Just as you learned to 'trust' men again. After I had a seizure in front of my (ex)wife when we were still married and together, I had a hard time for the rest of the marriage and after that, 'trusting' women again. I have been accused of harping on my (ex)wife's inaction when I had a seizure. She knew years before I had a seizure, that it could potentially happen. But she told me a year after we separated(three years before I divorced her), that she had always wished my health problems 'would just go away'. Since then, her health problems that she was in denial about the whole marriage, ended up requiring surgery back in 2004. Now, I am very picky about who I am with. Because if they can't handle my health problems, both in an emergency and long-term, then they are not worth being with. My fiance prior to all the lack of communication, would always be telling me to eat with my meds. Some would consider that obsessive, since she has OCD. But compared to my (ex)wife who could have cared less, it is a dream to be worried about by someone other than family, that loves you.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Chris516

[amkxoxo]

I appreciate hearing it from a guys perspective. My guy started having heart problems when he was an early teen. His parents seemed like they did everything for him, and took him to doctors etc etc. When he turned 18, he stopped telling them anything. He would pretend to go to a friends house and he is actually in the hospital.It seems like they don't know how sick he is. He doesn't want to be a "burden". I sometimes still can't believe his parents have no idea when he's sick. I tell my parents eveything, and no child is a burden to their parents. His parents seem like such nice people, I think they would want to do everything for him. But he keeps it a secret from everyone. He also has depression, and he used to cut himself and have suicidal thoughts in high school. I don't know why, its like he used to try and scare me, or see if I could handle it, because at school sometimes we would talk deeply and he would say, "what if I'm sick during the summer, what are you going to do, what if I try commitng suicide and am in a mental hospital" I never got afraid, because yes its alarming but it doesn't scare me. He told me the other night on the phone how he's such a dark person inside and lonely. And I told him that he wasn't, and that to me he is a light person, not dark. He is a kind and great person. He tells me "well you obviously don't know me well then" I don't know why he does this....it hasn't pushed me away. Now on my end, I have grown up around sickness and death. I have seen many of my family members fall ill with cancer, brain diseases, etcc and die. It has made me strong. Death and sickness are not easy, but I have told him that I have seen it all and can handle it. One day we were having an intense talk and he went after me for it saying, "you're like ready for me to die, you're always saying how you've been through it all and seen it all," then he said something about me having a cold heart. I am the most empathetic, compassionate person, it really hurt my feelings. I have gotten over it, because I know who I am inside, and I put on a good front with sickness because I always had to.

[Chris516]

I appreciate hearing it from a guys perspective. My guy started having heart problems when he was an early teen. His parents seemed like they did everything for him, and took him to doctors etc etc. When he turned 18, he stopped telling them anything. He would pretend to go to a friends house and he is actually in the hospital.It seems like they don't know how sick he is. He doesn't want to be a "burden". I sometimes still can't believe his parents have no idea when he's sick. I tell my parents everything, and no child is a burden to their parents. His parents seem like such nice people, I think they would want to do everything for him. But he keeps it a secret from everyone. He also has depression, and he used to cut himself and have suicidal thoughts in high school. I don't know why, its like he used to try and scare me, or see if I could handle it, because at school sometimes we would talk deeply and he would say, "what if I'm sick during the summer, what are you going to do, what if I try committing suicide and am in a mental hospital" I never got afraid, because yes its alarming but it doesn't scare me. He told me the other night on the phone how he's such a dark person inside and lonely. And I told him that he wasn't, and that to me he is a light person, not dark. He is a kind and great person. He tells me "well you obviously don't know me well then" I don't know why he does this....it hasn't pushed me away. Now on my end, I have grown up around sickness and death. I have seen many of my family members fall ill with cancer, brain diseases, etc. and die. It has made me strong. Death and sickness are not easy, but I have told him that I have seen it all and can handle it. One day we were having an intense talk and he went after me for it saying, "you're like ready for me to die, you're always saying how you've been through it all and seen it all," then he said something about me having a cold heart. I am the most empathetic, compassionate person, it really hurt my feelings. I have gotten over it, because I know who I am inside, and I put on a good front with sickness because I always had to.

 

Likewise, I appreciate hearing a woman's perspective in an ironically similar situation.

 

His parents', sound like my (ex)wife's parents'. They knew she had a weight problem. But all they did was try things like Weight Watcher's, etc.. When we were married, I got a family membership at the gym, which she rarely used. Basically, 'the apple didn't fall too far from the tree'.

 

My fiance hasn't 'gotten rid of me'. But she has been pushing me away. But that is 'par for the course', where OCD is concerned.

 

When my fiance has accused me of not being able to 'cope' with her OCD, I tell her, 'What is there to cope with?'. If I had to learn how to cope with it, then I would be going against, my living emotionally by marriage vows....'in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do us part'. OCD is always thought of, as bad. It may sound manipulative, but what about manipulating key OCD behaviors to where they become positive instead of negative. One thing that is said to by 'typical' of OCD behavior, is wanting the other person to do STD testing. I did one round, because of my ex-fiance's 'storied' sexual past. I was actually glad that I did it, and for the same reason. I then sent a copy of the results to her. Then backed it up with any other STD concerns she had, being nullified by the CDC in Atlanta. It is when she wanted me to do a second round, that I put my foot down and refused.

 

I have also seen her get upset publicly at her mother, because her mother touched my fiance's digital camera without permission. While my fiance got upset because of the 'germ' factor, her mother didn't ask permission to pick up the camera. So what would seem like the OCD 'wigging out', would be behavior that is altogether not really unreasonable. Because there are so many things society takes for granted. To give you an example of what I am talking about in that regard. When my (ex) was pregnant with our son, we had to take the bus one day. Well, One woman sitting on the bench at the bus stop, was more concerned about her cigarette, than she was about my (ex)wife's pregnancy. I verbally chewed the woman out, to the point that I was almost arrested by the police. In a strange analogy, that might be considered obsessive of me. Well, fifteen years later(by that time I had lived in six different places, and another state for four years) smoking had been outlawed at that bus stop. She(not my ex-wife) is also very serious about the SAR rating on cell phones. I agree with her about that. Not because of her OCD. Because, I feel the SAR rating for cell phones, is more serious than the industry and general public thinks it is.