Update!

[amkxoxo]

I am having such a hard time because so many people are telling me to give up on him, and what we had and just live my life. Its so much easier said than done. I get so so attached to people and he is no exception. I know I don't need him, but I want him. I don't want to give up. Everyone talks about "Oh your living in the past" ....Well yeah thats all I have because I haven't physically been with him in over a month. I know what we had. I cherish all our moments together. Just walking away. I literally cannot do it. I have tried. I get moments of strength where I get all "I don't need a man" and "You're better than this". But he is always there. I dream of him. I am so good at dealing with sickness, but to be honest I wish he wasn't so sick. Maybe we'd be together now. But then I think, If he wasn't sick there would be so many things he would want to do I probably wouldn't have met him. I WANT HIM TO NEED ME. TO WANT ME. TO TRUST ME. I can do all this for him, but he has even said "you're trying to protect yourself too" ....well duh??? you won't give me 100% of you, and I understand and respect because he is dealing with so much right now, but yes I protect myself. People take advantage of me all the time. Even some of my friends. When I do have a crush, which is rare, if they find out I like them, they use me like a puppy (not sexually) knowing I would do anything for them. I pray he isn't like this, and from what I've seen he isn't, but of course I protect myself.

[Chris516]

I am having such a hard time because so many people are telling me to give up on him, and what we had and just live my life. Its so much easier said than done. I get so so attached to people and he is no exception. I know I don't need him, but I want him. I don't want to give up. Everyone talks about "Oh your living in the past" ....Well yeah thats all I have because I haven't physically been with him in over a month. I know what we had. I cherish all our moments together. Just walking away. I literally cannot do it. I have tried. I get moments of strength where I get all "I don't need a man" and "You're better than this". But he is always there. I dream of him. I am so good at dealing with sickness, but to be honest I wish he wasn't so sick. Maybe we'd be together now. But then I think, If he wasn't sick there would be so many things he would want to do I probably wouldn't have met him. I WANT HIM TO NEED ME. TO WANT ME. TO TRUST ME. I can do all this for him, but he has even said "you're trying to protect yourself too" ....well duh??? you won't give me 100% of you, and I understand and respect because he is dealing with so much right now, but yes I protect myself. People take advantage of me all the time. Even some of my friends. When I do have a crush, which is rare, if they find out I like them, they use me like a puppy (not sexually) knowing I would do anything for them. I pray he isn't like this, and from what I've seen he isn't, but of course I protect myself.

 

Maybe I should start protecting myself. Now, I am so familiar with her lack of communication, her denying that 'the writing is on the wall' at one point, then saying that I should find someone better than her the next moment. But there has to be a willingness to accept whatever happens, in the interest of love.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Chris516

[Chris516]

I am having such a hard time because so many people are telling me to give up on him, and what we had and just live my life. Its so much easier said than done. I get so so attached to people and he is no exception. I know I don't need him, but I want him. I don't want to give up. Everyone talks about "Oh your living in the past" ....Well yeah thats all I have because I haven't physically been with him in over a month. I know what we had. I cherish all our moments together. Just walking away. I literally cannot do it. I have tried. I get moments of strength where I get all "I don't need a man" and "You're better than this". But he is always there. I dream of him. I am so good at dealing with sickness, but to be honest I wish he wasn't so sick. Maybe we'd be together now. But then I think, If he wasn't sick there would be so many things he would want to do I probably wouldn't have met him. I WANT HIM TO NEED ME. TO WANT ME. TO TRUST ME. I can do all this for him, but he has even said "you're trying to protect yourself too" ....well duh??? you won't give me 100% of you, and I understand and respect because he is dealing with so much right now, but yes I protect myself. People take advantage of me all the time. Even some of my friends. When I do have a crush, which is rare, if they find out I like them, they use me like a puppy (not sexually) knowing I would do anything for them. I pray he isn't like this, and from what I've seen he isn't, but of course I protect myself.

 

Like you I want her to need me, to want me. I would love her to trust me, trust is not possible, for reasons personal to her.

[amkxoxo]

So this is where my story ends, if you read my other thread, ( I will post it below) he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me right now. I am depressed, vunerable and super emotional. I cry all the time and this morning when I looked in the mirror, I had an anxiety attack because I thought "he doesn't want that" I can't even believe this is happening. I am so so upset. At this point I still can't decide if he really would like to be with me or if this is his way of putting me off nicely so I meet someone else and move on. He has a twisted perception of relationships. I still have a small ounce of hope that he will someday come for me. But I am also moving on. I have to. I need to. Life sucks right now. I feel so low. I feel rejected. I feel like he doesn't want me, even thought he assured me I did nothing wrong. I'm also struggling because I hope to still talk to him but cannot decide when or how I should approach the subject. This all happened last night when I went down to my college and we met up. <***This will probably be my last post on this ever. I have had an emotional 24 hours and have now gotten home to mourn. He texted me yesterday asking me what my schedule was like, so I told him and he said he was trying to make time for us. I was very surprised so we met up. We talked for hours. We went out for some food and he insisted and paid for me, which was a first. We were happy I think. We only hugged, but he gave me one of his cute hugs. He'll like nuzzle his face into my neck. When he pulled away he said it was "long overdo". We parted ways and I met up with my friends again, but after dinner I was going to go try and see him again. I called him and he said sure to hanging out. I picked him up and we went to my apartment. We talked for hours again, and at this point it was getting dark out and I still had a 2 hour ride home. I ignored time. I decided to get flirty and told him he has to kiss me goodbye. He stared at me and I said it again and re phrased it, and told him I had his graduation gift too. He looked for a second like he wanted to but then he backed away, and was like "I don't think that's a good idea". We had a long intense conversation for like 3 hours about us. He can't do a relationship right now yada yada the same stuff like before. He doesn't want to "deprive" the world of me because I'm so great and he doesn't want to hold me by a string. So i said to him like when you get your life together are you gonna give me a call? and he's like if stuff is better and my life is more together and I wake up and decide "wow I need her and I can't live without her" then I will fight for you whether your with someone or not. Like WTFFFFF SO many mixed signals. Like I don't think he knows what he wants. Like he's like "do you love me" and I'm like "no i dont know that yet" and he's like yeah. He's like I'd be such a good boyfriend, my life would revolve around you. again WTF. He's like now is just not a good time , and I can't do it for you. Like all the skeletons came out. He told me he saw tonight how invested I really was and he didn't realize how much before. And I was like all the calls texts and time I've spent for you doesn't give you a clue. He's like I feel so bad, I feel so guilty. I hurt you. Like we were in my car and he reached over and like touched my arm, and he's like "I don't want you to feel bad about yourself you didnt do anything wrong" and then like 5 minutes later he reached over and tried to like hold my hand, and I pulled it away. Like your trying to be comforting you just frickin dumped me. Like I kept asking him "are we just friends" and like he couldnt answer and at one point he was like "we don't have to call it anything or label it" then what the hell are we there is nothing in between friends and dating. Like he said "if I wanted to i could have lied to you and called you and told you i didnt like you anymore, but I couldnt lie to you.". Then he got insulted because I called him out saying "well to me it seems like your trying to get me to move on and meet someone else so that I forget all about you and your left scott free" he was like is that what you think of me, because thats not it at all, thats so low, I would never do that. He said "if I didnt like you anymore I would have told you on the phone a while ago." I'm so heartbroken. He told me this "You're at a carnival. I'm a broken down ride that you really want to go on, but you can't because I'm broken right now. So you go along and go on other rides in the meantime. Until I'm fixed. " Like it totally makes sense but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. I'm so broken, vunerable, and I can't handle my emotions. By the time we finished talking it was 11pm and there was a bad thunderstorm outside. I wanted to drive home but he was begging me not to. And it wasn't safe. I told him I didn't want to stay alone in my apartment because I didn't, but he was like "Well i don't think its a good idea I stay here with you in close quarters sleeping." So i ended up staying with a good friend in campus thank goodness he was there. When I got to my friends room I went on social media and my guy put up a song "I Miss You" by Blink 182. WTF mixed signals again. My guy friend who I stayed with said he thinks my guy truly doesn't know what he wants and thats why he is so back and forth. I am officially moving on with my life. I need to heal. He and I said that we would still continue to talk. Not in any hurry to communicate with him though. He like hugged me goobye in my car and I tried to give him a nice hug but it was hard in my small car. "He was like Oh thats the hug your gonna give" so I grabbed him and gave him a better one. But like what the ****, you just broke my heart and I'm still saying I'll be your friend and you say **** like that. Done. I'm at such a sad low point right now. I feel like I'm in a black pit. Like I don't want to have to work today. I don't want to be around people. My life sucks. ***>

[Chris516]

So this is where my story ends, if you read my other thread, ( I will post it below) he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me right now. I am depressed, vunerable and super emotional. I cry all the time and this morning when I looked in the mirror, I had an anxiety attack because I thought "he doesn't want that" I can't even believe this is happening. I am so so upset. At this point I still can't decide if he really would like to be with me or if this is his way of putting me off nicely so I meet someone else and move on. He has a twisted perception of relationships. I still have a small ounce of hope that he will someday come for me. But I am also moving on. I have to. I need to. Life sucks right now. I feel so low. I feel rejected. I feel like he doesn't want me, even thought he assured me I did nothing wrong. I'm also struggling because I hope to still talk to him but cannot decide when or how I should approach the subject. This all happened last night when I went down to my college and we met up. <***This will probably be my last post on this ever. I have had an emotional 24 hours and have now gotten home to mourn. He texted me yesterday asking me what my schedule was like, so I told him and he said he was trying to make time for us. I was very surprised so we met up. We talked for hours. We went out for some food and he insisted and paid for me, which was a first. We were happy I think. We only hugged, but he gave me one of his cute hugs. He'll like nuzzle his face into my neck. When he pulled away he said it was "long overdo". We parted ways and I met up with my friends again, but after dinner I was going to go try and see him again. I called him and he said sure to hanging out. I picked him up and we went to my apartment. We talked for hours again, and at this point it was getting dark out and I still had a 2 hour ride home. I ignored time. I decided to get flirty and told him he has to kiss me goodbye. He stared at me and I said it again and re phrased it, and told him I had his graduation gift too. He looked for a second like he wanted to but then he backed away, and was like "I don't think that's a good idea". We had a long intense conversation for like 3 hours about us. He can't do a relationship right now yada yada the same stuff like before. He doesn't want to "deprive" the world of me because I'm so great and he doesn't want to hold me by a string. So i said to him like when you get your life together are you gonna give me a call? and he's like if stuff is better and my life is more together and I wake up and decide "wow I need her and I can't live without her" then I will fight for you whether your with someone or not. Like WTFFFFF SO many mixed signals. Like I don't think he knows what he wants. Like he's like "do you love me" and I'm like "no i dont know that yet" and he's like yeah. He's like I'd be such a good boyfriend, my life would revolve around you. again WTF. He's like now is just not a good time , and I can't do it for you. Like all the skeletons came out. He told me he saw tonight how invested I really was and he didn't realize how much before. And I was like all the calls texts and time I've spent for you doesn't give you a clue. He's like I feel so bad, I feel so guilty. I hurt you. Like we were in my car and he reached over and like touched my arm, and he's like "I don't want you to feel bad about yourself you didnt do anything wrong" and then like 5 minutes later he reached over and tried to like hold my hand, and I pulled it away. Like your trying to be comforting you just frickin dumped me. Like I kept asking him "are we just friends" and like he couldnt answer and at one point he was like "we don't have to call it anything or label it" then what the hell are we there is nothing in between friends and dating. Like he said "if I wanted to i could have lied to you and called you and told you i didnt like you anymore, but I couldnt lie to you.". Then he got insulted because I called him out saying "well to me it seems like your trying to get me to move on and meet someone else so that I forget all about you and your left scott free" he was like is that what you think of me, because thats not it at all, thats so low, I would never do that. He said "if I didnt like you anymore I would have told you on the phone a while ago." I'm so heartbroken. He told me this "You're at a carnival. I'm a broken down ride that you really want to go on, but you can't because I'm broken right now. So you go along and go on other rides in the meantime. Until I'm fixed. " Like it totally makes sense but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. I'm so broken, vunerable, and I can't handle my emotions. By the time we finished talking it was 11pm and there was a bad thunderstorm outside. I wanted to drive home but he was begging me not to. And it wasn't safe. I told him I didn't want to stay alone in my apartment because I didn't, but he was like "Well i don't think its a good idea I stay here with you in close quarters sleeping." So i ended up staying with a good friend in campus thank goodness he was there. When I got to my friends room I went on social media and my guy put up a song "I Miss You" by Blink 182. WTF mixed signals again. My guy friend who I stayed with said he thinks my guy truly doesn't know what he wants and thats why he is so back and forth. I am officially moving on with my life. I need to heal. He and I said that we would still continue to talk. Not in any hurry to communicate with him though. He like hugged me goobye in my car and I tried to give him a nice hug but it was hard in my small car. "He was like Oh thats the hug your gonna give" so I grabbed him and gave him a better one. But like what the ****, you just broke my heart and I'm still saying I'll be your friend and you say **** like that. Done. I'm at such a sad low point right now. I feel like I'm in a black pit. Like I don't want to have to work today. I don't want to be around people. My life sucks. ***>

I totally understand what you are going through. I am getting mixed signals too. I have also been feeling like I am in a black pit, like it is a bottomless pit.

[TMichaels]

So this is where my story ends, if you read my other thread, ( I will post it below) he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me right now.

 

Which he has been telling you in his words and actions for some time now -- something which others have also told you repeatedly but you refused to hear.

 

I am depressed, vunerable and super emotional. I cry all the time and this morning when I looked in the mirror, I had an anxiety attack because I thought "he doesn't want that" I can't even believe this is happening. I am so so upset.

 

Understandable. To a point. If you indeed are that "fragile" then you need to be under the care of a health care professional to help you sort out why you got to the place you're now in and how to deal with your anxiety, lack of self-esteem and obsessive behavior.

 

At this point I still can't decide if he really would like to be with me or if this is his way of putting me off nicely so I meet someone else and move on.

 

Get a grip, girl! It doesn't matter what HE wants or thinks. Your first priority should and has to be YOU.

 

As long as you persist in shifting all the focus on to him you're avoiding dealing with the real problem -- your own issues. Repeat. You need to seek the guidance of a health care professional to sort out what it is you're trying to "fix" through your desperation.

 

No one on this forum can solve your problems and while it may seem cathartic, posting redundant stream-of-consciousness tomes are getting you no where except successfully keeping you in the same counter-productive mental space.

 

That's why you need help from a qualified counselor. If you don't know where to find one I am sure your college has a counseling center where you can receive confidential (and most likely free) assistance.

 

If not, no doubt there are services available in your local community. If you're still on your parent's health insurance policy, many also cover mental health counseling as well.

 

He has a twisted perception of relationships. I still have a small ounce of hope that he will someday come for me.

 

No amkxoxo, HE doesn't have a twisted perception of relationships. Read those two sentences you wrote again. It's YOU whose perceptions or definitions need adjustment.

 

The guy has repeatedly told you in his actions and words that he's not interested in a relationship with you. Yet, you still "hope someday he will come for me."

 

The last three words of that sentence are the most revealing. Why do you have such a "Cinderella Complex?" What is it about you or your life that you are desperate to have someone rescue you from?

 

No one else can "fix you" amkxoxo. That's your job and you are doing nothing to take charge of your life, health, or happiness.

 

But I am also moving on. I have to. I need to. Life sucks right now. I feel so low. I feel rejected. I feel like he doesn't want me, even thought he assured me I did nothing wrong.

 

amkxoxo, that old adage about having to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince has merit. Most people go through several relationships before they find someone where "everything clicks" -- and that includes BOTH parties feeling the same way, putting in the same amount of effort, having common goals, etc.

 

You DIDN'T have that with this guy. And, he's right. Technically, you didn't do anything wrong. Except not recognize and accept the fact that this guy wasn't into you as much as you were into him. He's told you that now and made it crystal clear there is no relationship.

 

Now, *your job* is to get a hold of yourself and move on.

 

I'm also struggling because I hope to still talk to him but cannot decide when or how I should approach the subject. This all happened last night when I went down to my college and we met up.

 

No, YOU DON'T need to talk to him. There is nothing more to say AND nothing *you can say* to change his mind. The ONLY talking you need to do is with someone who can help you sort out why you get into this situation in the first place because it's not a healthy place to wallow in or re-visit.

 

Talk is cheap. You say you are/have to/need to move on. Yet, there's nothing in your posts that indicate you're giving the task any more than lip service.

 

Until you make a pro-active effort to explore *why* you got into this situation and your reaction to it with someone qualified who can help you put it all in perspective, things will never change -- unless, of course, that's exactly what you want.

 

Best of luck,

TMichaels

Edited June 29, 2013 by TMichaels

[amkxoxo]

By twisted I mean ...unique. in my eyes you meet someone you go out with them and see how it goes and if its not a match you stop dating. If you hit it off you continue and get into a relationship with them then it grows into love. Now he said to me that he feels like he will wake up on day and pretty much realize he can't live without me (so pretty much love me) and he'll fight for me. But how frickin realistic is that. Like especially if your not talking to me all that much how do you expect to wake up and realize you love me. That's why people date and commit to see if they can love each other. He kept asking me if I loved him and I told him at this point I don't but its too early to tell yet. I don't think that's unreasonable. Like I saw myself loving him. I wanted to love him and I could see myself loving him if we got into relationship. But love i s something you earn you don't just wake up realizing it. That's just my opinion. Like he said that's what's happened with his ex. He knew her for couple years and they talked on and off then they saw each other at an event and got to talking.....now all the while he was dating my friend at school. He woke up and realized he loved that girl and dumped my friend to be with her. Now my friend isn't the greatest person ever....but that's twisted to me. So what in a year or two your gonna be like wow I miss that girl...ummm no. Like you could have had me noe. Like his parents have been pushing him to not be in a relationship right noe and telling him they do think its a good idea so he can get his life together. Like he has never once said "I don't like you" and I even asked and he was like " well I thought about calling and telling you I didn't like you anymore because I felt guilty I couldn't give you more because I was sick, but I would have been lying and I couldn't lie to you." Like WHAT??? So you do like me. Like trying to comfort me by holding my hand and ****. Like no. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Were either friends or were together. Like he tells me to move on but then gives me romantic hugs and pays for my food like a date. Wtf kind of signal does that send me. Do when I want to kiss you oh no we shouldn't. I'm frustrated. Like what if I had said "yes" I love you", when he asked. Would it have changed things. Like telling me he thinks I'm perfect and I I have all the attributed hr looks for in a girl, but alas Herr we are. His heart may really hurt but mine is more broken.

[Carenth]

Thank you for the excellent summary TMichaels. I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall and wonder why I have even bothered following these threads thus far. As I feel amkxoxo is living in her own little world rather than facing the reality of the situation.

 

I agree at this point you have your own issues to sort out amkxoxo. Exploring why you feel so obsessive and the dire need to be in a relationship. This is not a healthy obsession, this is desperation. As I've said many times, there is no mixed messages. That is something you are doing this guy has made it abundantly clear through his words and actions he is not interested in a relationship, it is very simple. You are the one twisting his words to try and desperately grasp onto something that isn't there.

 

I wish you the best and I've honestly tried to help like the others here but I feel there is no getting through to you. Please do not contact this guy anymore and please focus on yourself and figure out why you feel a relationship will fix your problems, because they don't relationships are a lot of work and not a fix for personal issues.

 

Stop living in the past, stop analyzing. Realise the now and accept it. He does not want a relationship period . Nothing else matters. Move on.

[HeavenOrHell]

You're not listening to any advice here, so I'm not sure there's much point in posting any more on the subject if you're just going over and over it and torturing yourself, and frustrating the rest of us!

 

It's irrelevant that you didn't say you love him, it won't magically make him able (or want to be) in a r/ship.

 

Stop letting him manipulate you, have some respect and walk away.

 

 

 

By twisted I mean ...unique. in my eyes you meet someone you go out with them and see how it goes and if its not a match you stop dating. If you hit it off you continue and get into a relationship with them then it grows into love. Now he said to me that he feels like he will wake up on day and pretty much realize he can't live without me (so pretty much love me) and he'll fight for me. But how frickin realistic is that. Like especially if your not talking to me all that much how do you expect to wake up and realize you love me. That's why people date and commit to see if they can love each other. He kept asking me if I loved him and I told him at this point I don't but its too early to tell yet. I don't think that's unreasonable. Like I saw myself loving him. I wanted to love him and I could see myself loving him if we got into relationship. But love i s something you earn you don't just wake up realizing it. That's just my opinion. Like he said that's what's happened with his ex. He knew her for couple years and they talked on and off then they saw each other at an event and got to talking.....now all the while he was dating my friend at school. He woke up and realized he loved that girl and dumped my friend to be with her. Now my friend isn't the greatest person ever....but that's twisted to me. So what in a year or two your gonna be like wow I miss that girl...ummm no. Like you could have had me noe. Like his parents have been pushing him to not be in a relationship right noe and telling him they do think its a good idea so he can get his life together. Like he has never once said "I don't like you" and I even asked and he was like " well I thought about calling and telling you I didn't like you anymore because I felt guilty I couldn't give you more because I was sick, but I would have been lying and I couldn't lie to you." Like WHAT??? So you do like me. Like trying to comfort me by holding my hand and ****. Like no. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Were either friends or were together. Like he tells me to move on but then gives me romantic hugs and pays for my food like a date. Wtf kind of signal does that send me. Do when I want to kiss you oh no we shouldn't. I'm frustrated. Like what if I had said "yes" I love you", when he asked. Would it have changed things. Like telling me he thinks I'm perfect and I I have all the attributed hr looks for in a girl, but alas Herr we are. His heart may really hurt but mine is more broken.

[RedQueen]

I've been following these threads somewhat and want to say...

 

Do you want this man? Do you really want to help him? Here's how:

YOU become strong, YOU be the one who sets the bar high and dares him to follow. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for HIM is to give him space and be as strong and independent as you can (which is the sexiest thing to a man anyways). In the end, it's WIN/WIN. YOU become strong and if he's a man, that will fuel his interest, if he isn't, you'll be so strong you won't care anymore. It's up to YOU. Let him hunt or fade away.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I'm trying to regain my life and my goals and my identity. I feel like with all my attempts at trying to get him to be with me I lost some of myself in the shuffle. He became my whole life because I love and care for him. Him wanting me became my obsession. He fell for the girl I am inside. The girl who loves to dance, bake, the innocent girl who has a peanut butter problem and hates certain words because they sound gross. I think I became so obsessed with him liking me and seeing me in such a perfect light that I lost all my quirkiness. I would get so self conscious that he would see something he didn't like. My personality is still there and he would see it often. I think every time he would get a little distant i would freak out that i was the issue, thus a blow to my personality and me being obsessive. I wanted to please him because that's the kind caring person I am. Maybe I expected too much, but I don't think my expectations were unreasonable. I want things like time. I want people to want me around. Not just because its convienent. I want romance. He said he can do all this but i have seen little. He has told me wonderful stories of things he has done in the past. I want that. I want him to think of me and want to do it for me. There were times where he had small amateur sports games on campus and i would offer to go and he would say "nah" and make it not a big deal. So i wouldnt go because i thought he didnt want me there. Should i just have showed up. I would bake him brownies and get little boxes of his favorite candy. I cooked him dinner and he wshed all the dishes after. Once he made me dinner and i went to wash them and he stopped me. So i didnt. Did i do it wrong. In the past I have had guys meet me fall for me and be obsessed with me. It kinda freaks me out. But all I wanted was for him to want me. Like you don't have to be obsessed with me but show me or tell me you are every so often. I like chivalry. He has this. I like respect and values. He's respectful and thoughtful. He used to say "you don't know me well enough yet" and I would rebuttle with yes I do. But could never prove it. he has values. Not just general ones but ones he has created from his family and himself. He knows what he stands for in life as do I. He respects people and gives them too much trust. I do too. He believes in true everlasting love. He has dreams and knows where he would like to be someday. I do too and I understand and support his dreams all while nurturing mine. He has old fashioned class. He likes to make situations light and funny to ease peoples minds.he takes time to know someone before he judges them. I appreciate this. He's kind. He's sexy and doesn't know it. He's super smart and other take notice. He's loyal. He makes lists. He has a list of things he wants to never do as a parent that his parents did to him. That's so sweet and brilliant and I want to marry this man. He writes meaningful lyrics and makes some mean drinks lol. He comes to my door at 3am to explain himself. He has so little faith in himself but yet means so much to me. I wish maybe yhis was conveyed better to him. I hope he knows this. I have been doing good for me. I am currently trying to find an internship. I am working a lot and paying my bills. Hanging out with family and friends and planning out my upcoming vacation which I am so excited about. I am excited for the fall to start and have a party at my new place with my friends. But I still think of him. I want to share all if it with him. I want him to want me apart of his life too. I have had so many chances with nice guys for all of this and I just didn't care for them enough. I finally meet someone I love and I am currently not with him. Every fun thing I do makes me happy but its just not enough. I wish he was there with me. I wish I could call him and tell him all about it. I haven't heard from him in like 5 days. Its torture. Do I expect too much?? Am I totally wrong in my approach to love?? I don't know how to be in a relationship because I have never been in one so I was doing what I thought was the right things??? In my opinion the guy has to chase the girl a little abs win her over. Then the girl reciprocates. That's seems nice to me. He said he can do this and will do this when the time is right. I have to become a better person.by then.

Edited July 9, 2013 by amkxoxo

[amkxoxo]

So I'm on vacation and doing really well. Wearing my bikini and I'm so glad I did. I definitely want to tone more but otherwise life is pretty good. I am getting more confident and I think this trip has opened my eyes that I don't need him to have a good time. I am having a nice time by myself and with my family.

 

I haven't heard from him in a month and he's been missing from all social media outlets. Well last night I went to go to bed and I put my phone on silent and on the floor. I was laying there trying to sleep and for some reason I grabbed my phone and was looking at the blank screen. I just felt like I should for some odd reason. Well suddenly the blank screen came to life and his name popped up. He was calling me. I jumped up with shock and awe and answered it.

 

He said he was calling to tell me that he was okay, and alive, and that he has been severely sick in the hospital for almost a month. He just got out. He said he was so grateful that I was so calm and collected and understanding. Because I was. I asked him "why wouldn't I be?" and he said that he texted his ex telling her he was okay because she had tried to text him. He said that she was mean and mad at him. He called her trying to clarify things and she was not nice to him. He said that she was angry he didn't answer her messages and he should have told her where he was and that he was sick. Then he was mad at her because he doesn't owe her anything she broke up with him. I said this to him too. He doesn't owe her anything because she is moved on with someone else. She told him that they had a 9 month relationship and that they were close and he should let her know when he's sick. He challenged her back saying that he had been with other girls in the past longer than her and he doesn't call them telling them his status in life because they are over.

 

He vented all this to me, because I think she holds him by a string. I told him to stop throwing her a line, and he said he doesn't and wants to distance himself from her and maybe its not a good idea that they are friends and I told him I agree. He told me that when they broke up they did the whole friends thing and she told him that she felt like she couldn't be happy with him around because she had so much going for her like a good job, a car, school, and internship, and friends, and he is struggling. I told him that he shouldn't want or have anyone in his life that doesn't support him, and should want someone who supports his life no matter how it is at the time.

 

I think he regrets a lot with her. He told me when they first started dating he asked her if she thought there was anything he could change on himself. She made him a list of things he could change with himself. I thought this was ridiculous and asked him why he wanted to be with someone who wanted him to change himself. He said "Yeah I wish I saw that then." I told him that I would never do that even if he asked. He asked me why?? I told him because it isn't my place. If you think you need to change something with yourself than that is with you and yourself to do. Unless if directly affects me I wouldn't say anything, and you should want to be with someone who likes you, doesn't want all things to change with you.

 

We talked for two hours and were joking around and laughing like old times. He kept saying over and over throughout that he was still so shocked that I wasn't mad or snippy with him, and how nice and understanding I was. I told him that I figured if he could call he would. When I didn't hear from him, I figured he would call when he could and something must have been up. He was appreciative and I think surprised by me.

 

We were talking like back when we were dating, it was so nice. At one point I said something and he said "There it is again. Your perfect." and I was like "what??" and he was like "You don't realize how perfect you are. You do all the right things. If I could give attributes to other people most of them would be from you." I was taken back by this, he used to say that when we were together. I kept things light and laughable by saying "well I try." and he sent back "No you don't I think its naturally who you are. you're a good person."

 

At another point in the conversation he said something I couldn't make out because it was muffled. It sounded like "fjewfnkj 'flirting' dwjds fjwknfdksnf" I asked him what he said again and he said never mind. It sounded to me like "I was trying to be flirting back to you."

 

He was so happy for me that I was doing well and was happy and he was super happy for me that I was on vacation. He would ask me questions and I him. I am trying not to get super excited by this. I am holding my expectations super low for him and if he rises up and surpasses them then maybe things could go somewhere. I'm trying to just keep him at arms length in my heart. When I woke up and told my mom everything she said "I think he loves you, it really just isn't good time. See he's been sick for a month." I hope she's right but I'm not holding my breath.

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