Had a one night stand and not sure if he wants to see me again

[Jaina19]

Hi all. Would really appreciate some advice especially from guys who might be able to give me a perspective on what this guy is thinking.

 

I've recently been dating again. Had a few dates, didn't see the guys again as we didn't really click, until yesterday, I met a guy from a dating website and we really got on. We had a lot of pleasant conversation, he laughed at my jokes (which is always a good sign cos they're terrible!) a couple of awkward silences, but I kind of want to put that down to nerves and being strangers. We went for a few drinks and made out a bit (initiated by him) then I agreed to go back to his place (again initiated by him) mainly because I wanted to spend more time with him and my bus was going to cut the evening very short. When we arrived at his house he offered to call me a taxi if I changed my mind, I said no as I hadn't. We had sex and talked for a bit, then went to sleep cuddling. The next morning we had sex again twice, slept again cuddling as this was at 7am on Sunday. Then he gave me breakfast in bed and we talked some more. At about 12 he said he hated to rush me but he had plans later that day with friends and he drove me home. We kissed and cuddled on the way out. When I got out his car we kissed and cuddled again. We had discussed meeting again during the drive, and he said he was free Tuesday or Thursday. I said that works for me. Didn't confirm anything, but I said if you want to go out Tuesday or Thursday let me know. He said see you soon, but that doesn't mean much.

 

No text from him the rest of the day, but I knew he was busy. Texted him in the evening saying hope he had fun with his friends and said I'd been doing some writing. We had talked about my novel and I said earlier I was working on it today. He replied within minutes with a smiley face in his text. This is kind of significant because we had been texting a bit before we met, about casual stuff and how was your day etc and he never used a smiley. I said I noticed that as an observation and said because he didn't use it I didn't know if one thing he said was a joke or not. Not a complaint just an observation. So he obviously listened to what I said because he used a smiley. we exchanged a few texts. The conversation finished with me.

 

I'm not sure what to do now. I think sleeping with him on the first date was maybe a mistake. But it didn't feel desperate or anything, it felt quite natural. I do really like him and told him so the next morning. He's a very pleasant, friendly person and we got on well I thought. I'm not sure if I should text him tomorrow eve, that would be monday, and say I'd like to meet on tuesday. I don't want to come across as clingy but I do want to see him again. And should I say as well that I don't think of him as a one night stand?

 

It's only just occured to me as well that he could be seeing other people. I kind of don't want to ask... he said he had a few dates recently but that could just mean he met other women and never saw them again. Any advice would be appreciated as I haven't met anyone I feel connected to for a long time and I really like him! I hope I haven't ruined my chances. Ideally I want him to initiate something but I don't want to miss out on a chance.

 

I'm 21 and he's 27. Thank you

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're doing the typical girl behavior of "I don't want to miss out on this guy" but you really need to let him contact you from here on out IMO, otherwise you're just showing you're available and interested which is easy pickings for guys who just want to keep you dangling on the line...but with the age/experience difference, honestly doesn't matter anyway.

 

As far as he treatment of you, could be pretty standard for him...you're 21, easily impressionable and he's 27, probably at least somewhat experienced and been around the neighborhood to refine his treatment of women so he's picked up a few things...I'm sure he wanted to make you feel safe (trick with more experienced guys to gauge where you're interest and comfort level is at and get rid of the creeper vibe) but he already planned on pounding you when he invited you back to his place.

 

From here on out it'll just be a test of where his interest truly is, so far everything has gone smoothly for him and he's closed the deal on sleeping with you and satiating his sexual endeavors...now he might move onto the next girl...but he could also be tucking you into his black book to turn you into one of his FWB....you can't tell though by how he's treating you, every guy knows hows to be nice and if he's experienced he's pretty much controlling everything so it's seen a certain way...yes yes even if he seems "nice", as a guy you know the conversation that goes on behind the scenes.

 

You can't "ruin" your chances, he either wants to be with you or not...that's the bottom line, there's nothing you can do, you've pretty much given him what he's wanted, there could be nothing else for him to gain out of this...now he pretty much has the option of where to take it next...It's child's play at this point, he's more experience, he knows where your interest is, he doesn't need to know how to read you he already gets all of that...you'll find out with the next move he makes (or lack thereof), I doubt he'll just cut you loose just yet though.

 

There's nothing to really talk about here, it's completely his choice just sit there and wait...he'll come back around when it's convenient for him to do so.

Edited June 23, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Carenth]

I know some will disagree with me but generally speaking if you are looking for a relationship, don't sleep together on the first date hold off a bit. Basically this will weed out the guys who are just after a bit of hanky panky as they will move on fairly quickly if they think it will be too much effort to sleep with you.

 

As ninja said its pretty much in his court now. There is really nothing you can do at this point. Personally from what you wrote it sounded like he was just after sex but that is just my opinion, could be very wrong.

[silvermercy]

This situation is indeed quite typical. That's why people usually advise against sleeping on the first date. I wouldn't advise contacting him first. Let him do the job. And if he contacts make sure it's not another booty call (because that's what it seems to be right now).

 

I think he had planned it all along and simply pressed all your right buttons. Beware. I don't personally think he wants you more than sex or at best a Friend with Benefits.

Edited June 23, 2013 by silvermercy

[miss_jaclynrae]

Hate to say it, but a one night stand usually means you don't see each other again... Just pointing that out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First time meeting and you guys did it? If it happened naturally then great, but those sort of dates don't usually amount to much. If you had fun don't worry and continue on with your life.

Edited June 23, 2013 by miss_jaclynrae

[RedRobin]

I'm going to disagree with what the other posters said... The ball is not in his court... You can decide anytime not to see him again. Odds are pretty good he'll come back and try to sweet talk you when it is convenient. In fact, you can count on it if the sex was half-way decent.

 

I always tell women to cut loose a guy they have sex with on a first date... especially with someone you met online.... no matter how much you 'like' him.

 

Don't do that again in the future unless you are ok with a ONS or something casual... and I'd recommend avoiding men who invite you back to their place or insist on going to yours early on if you are looking for a relationship. Just an FYI.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You can go ahead and text him. Seriously, if he is interested in you, he won't mind and he certainly won't lose interest. With the guy I ended things with recently, I was mostly the initiator at the very early stage (post first date). He was always super eager to hear from me and I don't think me texting first hurt my chances one bit. I do it to reduce my own anxiety and will he/won't he because you get your answer pretty quick: either no response or a lukewarm one. I can be impatient.

 

In my case the guy told me that he was restraining himself from texting me because he didn't want to come on as desperate but he would have done so if he didn't hear from me by that evening.

[StanMusial]

I wouldn't hold my breath.

[kitty1]

Men will take what is offered. Because you slept with him on the first date, he now has this impression of you that is not going to go away...Seriouslly a few drinks..not even dinner and a movie...

[mammasita]

The problem with first date sex is exactly what you're experiencing. I'm not saying you were wrong or right sleeping in with him BUT I will say you have to own your actions. You did it, now accept it regardless of the outcome. You can't take it back now.

 

I'm much older than you and Ive learned that for me, first date sex is not my thing. You're young. Figure out if you're ok with it.....dont get swept up in the moment and how natural it may feel and think about what you want and your boundaries.

[GilianaK]

I think you have done quite enough initiating. You sound rather naive in how quickly you have been trusting this man. Just because you want to see him again doesn't mean he will want to if you ask him or tell him this. He ALREADY knows how very interested you are in him.

 

If you contact him it sounds like you will be coming from an over eager place. Don't do it. Also, I think you are reading way too much into his use of smileys. A smiley doesn't translate into "I love you" which is the way you are leaning with it.

 

I think your best bet is to let him contact you if he wants to see you. Even so you have already set yourself up to be taken for granted by getting so excited from the little that as happened thus far. It sounds like you are giving him your heart on a silver platter. Rather let him EARN your heart.

[Drseussgrrl]

Whoah girl.

 

You really need to reign it in.

 

A one night stand and a whole interpretation of a smiley text in response to a convo that YOU initiated.

 

This dude isn't exactly banging down your door. Hold off on contacting him and if and when he does, only see him again if he asks you out on a proper date.

 

Otherwise you're setting yourself up to be his FWB, and it's very clear that you are already anxious about where you stand with him. This is never a good place for a woman to be with the man she's dating.

[Ami1uwant]

Generally this is the case....you sleep with a guy on the first meet you are easy or you are viewed as a conquest. some guys look at it as they want a challenge.

 

On the flip side women will check out of a relationship for the same reason because they felt shameful they did sleep on the first date.

 

On a first date you really no know nothing about him.

[Msmickey]

Is there any message from him yet?

 

I know how you feel, I slept with the guy who I'm still dating on the first date. There are many comments about not sleeping with the guy who you barely know, but the most important thing is if you enjoyed the time with him.

 

We are still young, I'm 20 this year. If I were you, I will write him and discuss about the second date. Then ask him straight in his face, about your questions.

[pcplod]

As a bloke I know I probably stick out like a sore thumb. If I don't really have an immediate affinity towards a woman, intellectually and sexually, I won't agree to have sex with them, or seek to have sex with them, one-night-stand or not. I just see potential grief and awkwardness at best, a crazy, stalking harridan at worst.

 

However, if I like her as a person and I like her looks, then if she intimates sex on a first night, I will probably take a deep breath and go with it, albeit in the context of how woman seem to regard the subject of casual sex and one-night-stands.

 

If I still like her and the sex was enjoyable or at least promising, then I will probably seek to repeat the experience. Why would I not? At that point I reckon it is, de facto, no longer one-night-stand sex but could still be just casual sex.

 

If a woman only wants casual sex from me, but I like her as a person, not as a sperm deposit bank, I will be pretty disappointed, but will, manfully, do my best to hide it. Anyway, I have time and opportunity to try to make it something more than just casual sex.

 

I mean casual sex can be good and I see nothing intrinsically wrong with it, nor with any woman who can enjoy it without guilting themselves, left, right and centre, but if is is sex that I enjoy having and sharing and giving then it not only tickles my dick, but also tickles my ego and gives me satisfaction that goes well beyond the aftermath of the orgasm.

 

Does that make me a weird bloke?

 

A propos this other guy, frankly, I have no idea what the hell might be going on his mind. If he has just used you, it will not stop him trying to use you again, nor would it necessarily stop him using you to have first sex with you on the third date, fifth date, or whatever (within obviously reasonable parameters) Let's face it how long might it take you to manage five dates between you? Two weeks? Five weeks at the outside?

 

Unless you are a real lothario, a real stud muffin, good-looking with a big dick and a large wallet, 5 weeks without sex for a single guy is not that unusual. Even married people, on average, manage sex more often than single people.

 

So, maybe you had a one-night-stand with a possible user. That doesn't mean that you should or shouldn't have one-night-stands if that is what you like and what you want. It doesn't make you intrinsically stupid, usable, or gullible. The only rule to these things is that rules often don't turn out to be useful, unlike driving on the left or the right side of the road like everyone else in the country.

 

The next one-night-stand could prove to be the one that turns into something else. There is only one way to find out, if you can cope with it emotionally.

 

What is maybe really getting to you is that an opportunity to turn a one-night-stand into something more substantial might not materialise on this specific occasion. It was though, by the sound of it, pretty good by your own standards, just as it was. I think, from your perspective that is pretty good and it not something that you have to necessarily feel cheated by, or cheapened by, or humiliated by. Not at all.

[RedRobin]

OP, I wanted to clarify something...

 

The reason why I tell women to say adios to men they slept with on a first date has nothing to do with feeling ashamed or guilty.

 

I just feel that the odds are very unlikely this interaction will lead to anything meaningful and will only be a waste of your time if you are looking for a relationship...

 

It is a lot more likely that he will be a person you end up regretting knowing or being with should you spend more time with him...

 

So, cut your losses now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, as a woman, I can tell you that you will fine if this man never calls. It won't lead to some huge emotional scars and is really no big deal. You will be sad for a few days and then you will get over it. You had a fun night right? Keep it in your memory bank for when you get old and boring

[Revolver]

#Female problems

[therhythm]

OP, I wanted to clarify something...

 

The reason why I tell women to say adios to men they slept with on a first date has nothing to do with feeling ashamed or guilty.

 

I just feel that the odds are very unlikely this interaction will lead to anything meaningful and will only be a waste of your time if you are looking for a relationship...

 

It is a lot more likely that he will be a person you end up regretting knowing or being with should you spend more time with him...

 

So, cut your losses now.

 

This is the total epitome of a wrong advise!

 

I (a man) would really appreciate the chemistry of a woman felling for me in the first date... and I tend to consider more those ones that the ones who want to make it difficult... usually the latest ones become a game (a challenge) to me and once I get my prize I get bored and move on... not really on purpose but it is how it usually develops...

 

Having sex with someone has to be when it feels right and not premeditated or as part of a big plan... I love to see when a woman wants to f.uck the brain out of me as much as I want to do it with her... physical attraction is very important for me as it is chemistry so I for one would say that a woman who have sex early with me have much more chances to end up in a relationship that the one who waits!

Edited June 24, 2013 by therhythm

[MidwestUSA]

I'm a little confused on the timeline here. You went out on a Saturday, went home with him, stayed til noon on Sunday, and are writing this on that same Sunday night? Monday morning? (I'm not good with the time zone/dating of these posts, sorry)

 

If a week has gone by, forget him. If it's been a day, lay off! Smiley faces? Oh, don't get me started.

 

 

Can a relationship come from a ONS? Maybe. Likely? No. This dude has had enough cuddling from you to last him a month, no offense . There, I did it, a smiley face.

[Star Gazer]

Whoah girl.

 

You really need to reign it in.

 

A one night stand and a whole interpretation of a smiley text in response to a convo that YOU initiated.

 

The analysis of the significance of the smiley is really concerning. :/

 

OP, you're really obsessing. I'd just chalk it up to a ONS, and if he reaches out, deal with it then. Until then, just... Move on. :/

[MidwestUSA]

The analysis of the significance of the smiley is really concerning. :/

 

:/

As it is with "LOL". It's perfectly fine for me to hurl an insult at you, as long as it's properly followed with "LOL!". LOL! Sorta like in the old days, when people spoke to each other; "I don't mean you any disrespect, but.....", here it comes.

[RedRobin]

This is the total epitome of a wrong advise!

 

I (a man) would really appreciate the chemistry of a woman felling for me in the first date... and I tend to consider more those ones that the ones who want to make it difficult... usually the latest ones become a game (a challenge) to me and once I get my prize I get bored and move on... not really on purpose but it is how it usually develops...

 

Having sex with someone has to be when it feels right and not premeditated or as part of a big plan... I love to see when a woman wants to f.uck the brain out of me as much as I want to do it with her... physical attraction is very important for me as it is chemistry so I for one would say that a woman who have sex early with me have much more chances to end up in a relationship that the one who waits!

 

You are simply screening for women who share your casual values regarding sex.

 

Deciding to wait is not premeditated or part of a big plan. People whose style is to wait are trying to establish a different kind of intimacy.

 

Women who are looking for a relationship need to establish that the man in question is interested and capable of emotional intimacy first. That's all. Not really rocket science.

Edited June 24, 2013 by RedRobin

[therhythm]

You are simply screening for women who share your casual values regarding sex.

 

Deciding to wait is not premeditated or part of a big plan. People whose style is to wait are trying to establish a different kind of intimacy.

 

Women who are looking for a relationship need to establish that the man in question is interested and capable of emotional intimacy first. That's all. Not really rocket science.

 

I don't have any problem with people looking for that, but I have problems with people advising someone to cut the losses with a guy just because he slept with her the first night... by the way OP did slept with him as well right? Should you not use the same kind of line of judgment for both of them?

[RedRobin]

I don't have any problem with people looking for that, but I have problems with people advising someone to cut the losses with a guy just because he slept with her the first night... by the way OP did slept with him as well right? Should you not use the same kind of line of judgment for both of them?

 

Yes... but given many men's penchant for relationship avoidance (compared to women), I'd say it is especially important for women to follow this advice.

 

Would I give the same advice to men? I don't need to.