Is it possible for women to stay happy in long term marriages?

[Woggle]

I know this is a provocative title but I knew no other way to put it. It seems that many women after a while just don't have any feelings for their husband anymore. That is why you see so many divorces after the kids have left where the woman dumps her husband. Even the marriages that do stay together the women seem to just stay out of security and dont really have that in love feeling anymore.

 

Are there are any women after being married for a long time that still have in love feeling and would still marry him in a heartbeat or do most just eventually fall out of love?

[anne1707]

Woggle

 

I thought you were over all this nonsense. What is pulling you back into this pit?

[Woggle]

Woggle

 

I thought you were over all this nonsense. What is pulling you back into this pit?

 

Just observing what I see. You can't deny that this really does seem to be the trend with most marriages.

[Silly_Girl]

Why is your question gender-specific? In my experience it's not more of one gender than another...

[anne1707]

Just observing what I see. You can't deny that this really does seem to be the trend with most marriages.

 

I can deny that actually. Why are you back on to hating women?

[Woggle]

I can deny that actually. Why are you back on to hating women?

 

I don't hate women. Why is pointing out an obvious reality of many modern marriages considered to be hating women?

[anne1707]

Because you are basically suggesting that most women feel this way. You know what I am talking about Woggle. You have not posted a thread like this in months. This is a gender biased thread.

[Woggle]

Because you are basically suggesting that most women feel this way. You know what I am talking about Woggle. You have not posted a thread like this in months. This is a gender biased thread.

 

I am not suggesting it but it sure does seem to me that most marriages end up this way.

[xxoo]

What happened to Happy Woggle?

 

Back on the wagon! Remember how you felt after Sandy? Summon back some of that peace and security.

 

Do you need to go through hell together to feel confident?

 

To answer your question, I'm still happily married. Just as I was the last time you started this thread.

[anne1707]

I suggest then that you go and look in the infidelity forum and see how many women have been betrayed by their husbands.

[Woggle]

I suggest then that you go and look in the infidelity forum and see how many women have been betrayed by their husbands.

 

I would say the betrayal on that forum goes both ways. Cheating and being cheated on are universal things.

[anne1707]

Exactly Woggle. Both ways. Women hurt men. Men hurt women. There is not an exclusive on one gender causing pain on another.

[Archanaart]

Sexist question! Don't group all women into the this category.

[Woggle]

Exactly Woggle. Both ways. Women hurt men. Men hurt women. There is not an exclusive on one gender causing pain on another.

 

But 70% of divorces are initiated by women and when you talk to most married women there is usually a general sense of discontent and restlessness.

[anne1707]

What's nonsensical about what woggle posted? Do you think the ideal of a spouse who is happy in a long term marriage is nonsense?

 

My post is based on Woggle's long term posting history. He knows what I mean.

[Million.to.1]

My Grandparents were still so in love untill when my Nana died. They were married for 61 years. There was no complacency their their marriage. They were like teenagers sometimes.

They were dancing teachers and ex champions. Ballroom and latin. I think that dancing together for all those years kept alot of passion in their relationship.

 

My parents probably don't have the same "passion" as my grandparents - but they are still happy together. And same with my BF's parents. There are lot's of happy marriages.

 

Oh course there would be a level of comfort/bordem at times after many many years. Keeping things fresh and exciting would take work on a personal level as well as in regards to relationships. Especially as people get older/ retire etc.

[anne1707]

But 70% of divorces are initiated by women and when you talk to most married women there is usually a general sense of discontent and restlessness.

 

Yet time and time again when you have posted to this effect on LS, you have had many, many women post about how they are happy in their marriage.

 

I am so sad to see you like this again Woggle. You had come so far.

[anne1707]

He didn't, he's saying very few if any women fall into this category.

 

He actually said "most"

[Woggle]

I am just asking a question based on what I observe. I can't deny what I see.

[whichwayisup]

Just observing what I see. You can't deny that this really does seem to be the trend with most marriages.

 

Most marriages? Come on. Yes I'm kicking your butt.

 

Nobody has ANY idea what goes on behind closed doors, maybe the husband was a real jerk to her and his behaviour made her fall out of love with him, maybe he cheated, or she cheated..Whatever reasons, some marriages fail.

 

ON a positive note, there are many MANY marriages that last. That are happy and healthy, thriving. Focus on those rather than ones that fall apart.

[Million.to.1]

Do you think your wife is becoming complacent in your marriage Woggle?

[Woggle]

Do you think your wife is becoming complacent in your marriage Woggle?

 

No but I read so many things on the internet from places like here, Daily Mail and others and if there is one thing women really seem to hate it's being married to their husbands.

[anne1707]

Erm, the Daily Mail hardly constitutes a sound resource for basing judgements on. Unless you like tabloid trash rubbish that is.

[janedoe67]

My parents have been married more than 50 years and are still very much in love. I have theories as to why this is, but the biggest one is that even as we (their kids) were growing up they still made sure to see each other as husband and wife, not just our parents. They had dates, they swapped time with a few other couples when money was too tight for getaways so that we stayed with friends and they had a "getaway" alone at the house. Their marriage was always about the two of them romantically and not just about paying bills and raising kids. Because of this, they kept a romantic type focus, and when the nest was empty they didn't have to look at each other and twiddle their thumbs.

 

Another couple I know very well that got married the same year as my parents saw marriage in strictly practical terms. Once there were kids, it is clear that raising them because THE focus. They took the attitude that the romance was over and real life was more important. I am quite certain that sex was not any kind of integral part of their marriage, and neither was affection. In fact, their children were the ones to buy their mother anniversary flowers and such and sign their dad's name. They are still married and do seem to like each other, but I would guess it is more of a platonic closeness based on shared history than a romantic marriage.

 

Bottom line: if you want a romantic marriage (and some people really don't, which makes me sad) then you can't just be parents. You have to keep being lovers, which is what my parents did.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would say the betrayal on that forum goes both ways. Cheating and being cheated on are universal things.

 

I think that was the point.

 

To comment on the topic:

 

I think that in Gottmann's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, it does underline how a man behaves in a marriage has a particularly significant impact on the marriage.

 

This is not to say that a woman is in any way absolved of her actions, choices or the fate of her marriage but IME and in the experience of the people Gottmann has researched over the years, there seems to be a lack of education among men about how to maintain and long-term relationship.

 

Societal roles and the shifting of them hasn't helped. Some men are still very stuck in the mentality that they are "the head of the household." But they fail to follow the traditional responsibilities that come along with that title. Furthermore many fail to consider their partner's perspectives or impact upon their partner at all.

 

I think it is incredibly sad that so many young and older men lack what many women consider a basic knowledge of how to consider and compromise without losing oneself in a relationship.

 

Many women lack boundaries etc. as well, but it is more acceptable and easier for a woman to ask for relationship help. As well, many women tend to "suffer in silence" as their men do things that really bother them. Then they figure that he just "doesn't get it" and write him off.

 

Often, they will consider the relationship "closed" long before they actually leave so as not to disrupt children etc. Last year things became so bad for me that I decided to let the semester finish out before leaving. It turned out that my husband was facing a temporary but high-stress obstacle that he wasn't turning to me with, so all that I saw was someone who was pulling away, being miserable and taking things out on me, even resenting me. Until he was upfront about what was going on. He thought that I would "overreact" which is a typical thing for many men.

 

Of course I found it rather fascinating since I don't have a history of blow-out spaz overreactions. BUT his mother does. REALLY REALLY does, so I understand that his particular weakness is to fear that. Finally after close to eight years, he's seen that I hold together pretty well, even after almost losing our dog this weekend (things are still very unsettled and she may have permanent neurological damage.)

 

BUT many men won't take the risk in trusting their partners with their emotional journey so as not to trouble them, but have no problem in different instances with shelving them with the domestic, financial, child, spiritual and other types of burden without even conferring with them. Or not listening to their partner's stress. Or in extreme cases beating them for going out to a friend's daughter's birthday party. (Of which I know someone that suffered that fate this weekend.)

 

I don't think that "men are bad" or "it's all their fault" BUT I do think that many men would vastly improve the survival odds of their marriages/LTRs in a way that is fulfilling to both partners if they were to partake in reading and looking into ways beyond commercialism and media ideals to make things work.

 

I also think that men should look into actual publications beyond the rag mags and askmen etc. to find ways to screen for more stable partners. Looks are not a great indicator of what kind of long-term partner a woman would make. Manipulation can wear stunning makeup.