Is it possible for women to stay happy in long term marriages?

[pteromom]

What really gets me angry is when I see other men getting torn apart. I feel very protective of other men because I picture their anger coming from the same place as mine.

 

There are a few really angry women on here, but for the most part, the men who get torn apart are offering themselves on a silver platter.

 

If you come onto a discussion board and say hateful, angry things, you are going to get hateful, angry responses. That's common sense.

 

These men who are angry... they are like your "friend". They are using their posts as further evidence that women are evil. So they come on here and say "The only thing women are good for is sex.", then they get a bunch of angry responses from women, then they feel validated... "See? Women are evil." But they aren't focusing on their own words and actions and how they contributed to the interaction.

 

So there is no reason to protect them. They have their own journey to grow and learn and let go of their hatred and bitterness. Rather than protect them, get to a place where you can help them step out of that anger. It will serve them much better.

[pteromom]

I often wonder why I inspire compassion when some other guys on here don't.

 

Because you are open to listening instead of just dismissing anything said by a woman.

[CarrieT]

I often wonder why I inspire compassion when some other guys on here don't.

 

Because you frequently show signs of understanding and you have stuck around.

 

Many others do neither.

[Woggle]

There are a few really angry women on here, but for the most part, the men who get torn apart are offering themselves on a silver platter.

 

If you come onto a discussion board and say hateful, angry things, you are going to get hateful, angry responses. That's common sense.

 

These men who are angry... they are like your "friend". They are using their posts as further evidence that women are evil. So they come on here and say "The only thing women are good for is sex.", then they get a bunch of angry responses from women, then they feel validated... "See? Women are evil." But they aren't focusing on their own words and actions and how they contributed to the interaction.

 

So there is no reason to protect them. They have their own journey to grow and learn and let go of their hatred and bitterness. Rather than protect them, get to a place where you can help them step out of that anger. It will serve them much better.

 

I guess you are right. I tend to sometimes see them as brothers in the struggle when in reality most wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. If all of LS lived near by most of the women here would be quicker to help than the misogynist brigade during Sandy.

[pteromom]

But have they, really, at least in this thread?

 

Almost every single post from a woman in this thread has been denying, mocking, and dismissing your concerns, telling you all the reasons you are wrong or paranoid.

 

Maybe your problem is that you are too tolerant of women who are abusive to you (reliving prior relationships?)

 

The women in this thread as a whole have not been in any way nice to you or understanding of you. To a greater or lesser extent they have crapped all over you.

 

That's what your friends in real life are trying to tell you.

 

Does it apply to your wife?

 

Who knows?

 

THis is simply not true. A couple of people made light of the situation or said un-helpful things, but most everyone in this thread has been supportive and kind to Woggle.

 

You sound like his IRL friends who just want him to be unhappy so that you can validate your belief that women crap on men.

[pteromom]

I guess you are right. I tend to sometimes see them as brothers in the struggle when in reality most wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. If all of LS lived near by most of the women here would be quicker to help than the misogynist brigade during Sandy.

 

Perhaps they are brothers in the struggle, but you have to think about what serves you best in your own life.

 

What is better for your marriage? To assume that your wife is manipulative and secretly looking for an escape? Or to assume that your wife is honest and loves you? Which belief leads to your happiness?

[Emilia]

I just get pissed at how some men get treated on these boards. I often wonder why I inspire compassion when some other guys on here don't.

Maybe if you give a specific example we can give you our point of view better

[Woggle]

Maybe if you give a specific example we can give you our point of view better

 

In general the lack of empathy bothers me but then again how empathetic can you be to somebody who hates. I certainly don't want to listen to anything an unrepentant misandrist says I imagine it works the other way.

[pteromom]

In general the lack of empathy bothers me but then again how empathetic can you be to somebody who hates. I certainly don't want to listen to anything an unrepentant misandrist says I imagine it works the other way.

 

This is very insightful.

 

I try to be empathetic to everyone because I tend to see the pain beneath the anger, but some people make it very very very difficult.

[pteromom]

Pretty much every woman posting in this thread (to the extent gender is distinguishable in the content of the post) has denied Woggle's concerns about relationships and that they are invalid concerns. So what I said is simply true--and applies to you although I will say you were in no way nasty about it, like some others have been.

 

His concerns probably ARE invalid. His wife has given him no indication that she is looking to leave or trying to manipulate him.

 

 

LOL you just did it again proving the exact point.

 

How happy is your marriage by the way?

 

I stand by my point. You sound just like his IRL friends who want him to be unhappy. I don't know why that is bad. Would you rather me tell him that he's right to be concerned, and he should constantly be on guard because his wife is likely to hurt him? How would that help him live a happier life?

 

The guy is lucky. He seems to have found a good woman, against all odds. It is in his best interest to nurture that relationship and be happy, rather than holding onto his fears about statistics and what *some* other women do.

 

As far as my marriage - it's pretty good lately. Thanks for asking. No marriage is perfect, but I am certainly not looking to leave or trying to hurt or belittle my husband. Life is always a work in progress.

[Woggle]

If I were content to have women abuse me I would have stayed with my ex.

[pteromom]

Do you see how you and others have insidiously deviated from the topic of the thread, which was a question about relationships generally not Woggle's own marriage, and turned it into an attack on Woggle's feelings about his own marriage?

 

HE turned it into a discussion about his own marriage. He wanted reassurance that his wife wouldn't just leave.

 

Lots of unhappy women in unhappy relationships have an agenda to convince guys like Woggle that what they feel, see and believe is just a paranoid delusion.

 

It isn't a "paranoid delusion", but it doesn't apply to his marriage. Yes, it is true that some women are horrible people who hurt men. And? How does that apply to HIS life? He is happily married. He no longer needs to worry about what other people do... he only needs to worry about creating success in his own marriage.

 

It sounds like Woggle comes from a prior background of extreme abuse at the hands of women which is why he is content to allow women to treat him like a punching bag in this discussion and perceives it as being well-treated.

 

Keep punching away it it pleases you.

 

Not punching at all. I am trying to help him. And his wife.

 

How are YOU trying to help him? What outcome would you like to see for him, and what would you define as "success" for him in his marriage?

[serial muse]

It's probably not fair to your wife but life isn't fair.

 

 

You wrote this. Is this meant to be helpful?

[janedoe67]

I think it takes two to have a long term happy marriage, and yes, there are definitely times when it is the woman who checks out, whether it be in an affair or becoming a shrew or just plain old relationship laziness. And yes, there are women out there who expect their husband to be THE source of security and happiness for them, which sure is a big load to put onto someone.

 

Men can get lazy or cheat or become angry versions of themselves as well. Or both can just get into a rut. I am not an expert, but I think most long term marriages go through seasons and phases, and they key is to recognize when a rut or a down phase is happening and then work together (hopefully without attacking each other) to get things back on track. That is what my parents have always done, and they really are happy after 52 years.

 

That being said, it is hard to maintain positivity and be "up" about the marriage when one of the spouses seems to always be waiting for the "other shoe" of doom to drop. Some people are pessimistic by nature, but constant negativity or continual expectation that one's spouse is going to eventually "stick it to you" cannot be good for a marriage, just like a shrewish person or a cheating person or a lazy person is not good for a marriage. I'll be honest, I have seen more examples in my own circle of women doing the "I need to leave to come into my own and embrace myself" thing than men. But I have also encountered a few men who seem to really....hate women, which makes me wonder why they are married to one.

[janedoe67]

I call it the Eat, Pray, Love, Puke syndrome.

[Woggle]

Luckily my wife was never into that stupid book.

[Woggle]

Well I called him up and told him that if he can't stop trying to destroy my marriage he can go take a hike and he told me I was whipped and hung up. I guess that is the end of that.

[tbf]

You should have told him you were hung more than he is which is why your wife still loves you.

[Woggle]

You should have told him you were hung more than he is which is why your wife still loves you.

 

I don't look at his penis so I wouldn't know. I have another friend who is pretty much against marriage and admits trust issues with women but he says that if anybody makes marriage look good it is my wife and I. He doesn't see something like this happening for himself but I have a rare gem. Maybe not the best way to look at things but certainly better than trying to sabotage my relationship.

 

I still very much understand why a lot of single guys are so cynical these days. If you don't have what I have and you look at the state of many relationships it can seem hopeless that will ever find something like this. If you told me this is where I would be right after my divorce I would have thought you were crazy.

[pteromom]

That's not for me to determine. You see the difference between myself and you (and others like you) is that you think it your place to dictate what woggle should believe and feel and have as goals for his relationship.

 

I don't because I have no agenda which requires me to sell him a bill of goods.

 

You do have such an agenda because either now or at some point in the recent past you are exactly the type of woman that he is concerned his wife might turn into. That is if you are honest about it.

 

The only dictation of goals/beliefs I gave Woggle is that he should have the goal of being happy in his marriage rather than focusing on the horrors of the rest of the world. It is up to him to define what "happy" means to him. My only agenda is helping him save his marriage. I acknowledged that some of his beliefs about women are founded in reality, but that they have nothing to do with his marriage. It is up to HIM to work with his wife to make their marriage work and last.

 

I do know a little about Woggle's marriage as I have been around here for a while. And you've been here for a couple days. Unless, of course, you are an old banned user who has given yourself a new identity so you could come back... but you wouldn't do that, right?

 

I am a very good woman, a good person, and a good wife, so there is nothing to be "honest" about. LOL.

 

What about you? How's your marriage working?

[pteromom]

Well I called him up and told him that if he can't stop trying to destroy my marriage he can go take a hike and he told me I was whipped and hung up. I guess that is the end of that.

 

Good. You do know "you are whipped" just means that he's mad because you aren't validating his beliefs anymore. He obviously just had you as a "friend" for that one reason.

 

Because as someone else in this thread said, REAL friends want their friends to be happy.

[Nyla]

Woggle, your "friend" was probably very jealous of you and threatened by your happiness.

 

When I got married, I had unhappy single women come out of the woodwork to bash my husband and I. Even my best friend was so envious that she accepted a proposal from some idiot who just wanted citizenship. Luckily that relationship ended.

 

Find some friends who are happily married. They will be good for your outlook on life.

[giotto]

My wife definitely got bored of me after the second child...