sweetkiwi Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 So I've been dating this really sweet guy for less than a month. He's considerate, kind, affectionate, giving, handsome, all that good stuff. Except...he is 15 years older than I am and acts like he's 20. He gets jealous and pretends he's not, takes jokes very seriously, and has even changed his habits from small things I joked about or mentioned. It is hard to put it into words but I feel like once again I am the one with the balls in the relationship, which is NOT what I want. Tried to talk about what was bothering me but I get cut off. He's even gotten jealous of my recent LDR ex and asked if he's "the reason we don't have sex anymore"..... No. I just got out of the hospital and my vagina is dry from all the meds and his girl like ways are making it dry up like the damn Sahara. *Rant complete. Leave suggestions on how to approach at the end of this message. Only serious entries will be considered.* 4 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 So I've been dating this really sweet guy for less than a month. He's considerate, kind, affectionate, giving, handsome, all that good stuff. Except...he is 15 years older than I am and acts like he's 20. He gets jealous and pretends he's not, takes jokes very seriously, and has even changed his habits from small things I joked about or mentioned. It is hard to put it into words but I feel like once again I am the one with the balls in the relationship, which is NOT what I want. Tried to talk about what was bothering me but I get cut off. He's even gotten jealous of my recent LDR ex and asked if he's "the reason we don't have sex anymore"..... No. I just got out of the hospital and my vagina is dry from all the meds and his girl like ways are making it dry up like the damn Sahara. *Rant complete. Leave suggestions on how to approach at the end of this message. Only serious entries will be considered.* Sorry to hear you have been in the hospital... I hope nothing really bad! Welcome back, we have missed you around here For what you say I think this guy is not what you need, you know that too but probably you want to hear it from us as well... He is maybe a good guy and he has to have something otherwise you would not even have given him a try but jealous people are very difficult to have a relationship with... and you are just beginning that relationship so it can only go worse I don't think though that it has anything to do with the age difference... more about his personal way of handling the relationship! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 So I've been dating this really sweet guy for less than a month. He's considerate, kind, affectionate, giving, handsome, all that good stuff. Except...he is 15 years older than I am and acts like he's 20. He gets jealous and pretends he's not, takes jokes very seriously, and has even changed his habits from small things I joked about or mentioned. It is hard to put it into words but I feel like once again I am the one with the balls in the relationship, which is NOT what I want. Yea, my sympathies. I think being older does not equate with being more secure and mature unfortunately. How long was this guy's longest LTR? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 24, 2013 Author Share Posted June 24, 2013 Sorry to hear you have been in the hospital... I hope nothing really bad! Welcome back, we have missed you around here For what you say I think this guy is not what you need, you know that too but probably you want to hear it from us as well... He is maybe a good guy and he has to have something otherwise you would not even have given him a try but jealous people are very difficult to have a relationship with... and you are just beginning that relationship so it can only go worse I don't think though that it has anything to do with the age difference... more about his personal way of handling the relationship! Almost all better thanks. Bronchitis. The age has nothing to do with is, no. The maturity is what is frustrating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Leave him. Come to Australia. Party with me. Happily ever after. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 24, 2013 Author Share Posted June 24, 2013 Yea, my sympathies. I think being older does not equate with being more secure and mature unfortunately. How long was this guy's longest LTR? I think he was with his ex for 6 years. But it seems she certainly ran the show and may have even been abusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 I think he was with his ex for 6 years. But it seems she certainly ran the show and may have even been abusive. Hm, I take it he is the passive aggressive doormat type then. Not predicting a great future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 24, 2013 Author Share Posted June 24, 2013 Hm, I take it he is the passive aggressive doormat type then. Not predicting a great future. I wasn't even thinking future. First I wanted to have a serious conversation with him but he cuts me off by apologizing profusely and swearing to never do things again. Not a conversation at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 I wasn't even thinking future. First I wanted to have a serious conversation with him but he cuts me off by apologizing profusely and swearing to never do things again. Not a conversation at all. The last guy I dated was like this, complete conflict avoidant. When I seriously tried to discuss an issue with him he just denied his contribution to the problem completely and told me I called him a liar if I doubted his words. So I moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Funny how often you see how avoiding conflict is much worse than facing it... I feel almost sorry for the guy, he seem the kind of guy who doesn't have even enough game to be in the game if you ladies understand what I mean. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 It is hard to put it into words but I feel like once again I am the one with the balls in the relationship, which is NOT what I want. He doesn't skydive does he? Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Oh, you want real advice? Ok.. I think you know what needs to be done Kiwi. There are certainly reasons to stay with him, but at the end of the day you're questioning things only a month in. You've tried talking to him and it doesn't work. There are certain things that people are powerless to change, and unfortunately this guys masculinity (or lack of) is one of those. There's also the argument the he should not have to change for you (not that you have asked him to, I understand that) but for themselves. If he really wanted to, he would have done it by now. Jealousy this early on in the piece is always a bad sign too. I think it's time to move on from this one. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Morgoth Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Tell him to get his Testosterone levels checked. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Awww, kiwi. Way too early to be needing to help him work on issues like this, IMO. That's how he's been for 40(?)-odd years, and chances are that's how he's going to stay. Chalk it down to incompatibility and leave gracefully? Or you could take Lani's suggestion... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) I don't envision a very fruitful conversation that would include the truth of "You don't have a firm sense of self and are woefully insecure. At best, I have some compassion but still feel turned off. At worst, I'm just turned off. " Let him go to continue on with his own development--alone. KIWI!!! Edited June 24, 2013 by cerridwen 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 The older we get the more our needs and reasons for being in a relationship change. I want to be loved and I want to feel safe loving back. I enjoy having fun but my life no longer revolves around parties and clubs. The difference now is I don't have to save up if I want to spend a few months on the Amalfi Coast. You need to decide what you want out of your relationship, is it your intent to try and change the things you don't like about him(bad idea) or do those things now outweigh the good things you like about him? I too am sorry about your hospital stay and hope things are better for you. Lots to think about girl, you already know deep down what you need to do but it's always good to hear other opinions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 Well he hit the final nail in the coffin this morning. While I slept he checked my facebook messages and woke me up to tell me. He accused me of using him and of being fake after he saw only two sentences and connected imaginary dots in his mind. He tried to backpedal and retracted his statements but at that point I was done. Funny he didn't see the conversations I had with friends about how compatible we are or how sweet he is. Only an old conversation with an ex lover and with my ex boyfriend. Uggh. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Well he hit the final nail in the coffin this morning. While I slept he checked my facebook messages and woke me up to tell me. He accused me of using him and of being fake after he saw only two sentences and connected imaginary dots in his mind. He tried to backpedal and retracted his statements but at that point I was done. Funny he didn't see the conversations I had with friends about how compatible we are or how sweet he is. Only an old conversation with an ex lover and with my ex boyfriend. Uggh. I am sorry it had to end that way I am sure you will find THE ONE soon enough because you rock lady 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 I am sorry it had to end that way I am sure you will find THE ONE soon enough because you rock lady I don't necessarily believe in "the one", just the one that finally works. And I kinda want to take a break from all this taxing emotional bull****. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Hate gender roles, why does the guy have to lead the relationship, be the leader? Testosterone 3 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 I don't necessarily believe in "the one", just the one that finally works. And I kinda want to take a break from all this taxing emotional bull****. That is kind of what I meant There is not a perfect person but it is that person you can live with his/her flaws... Anyway, enjoy the single time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Hate gender roles, why does the guy have to lead the relationship, be the leader? It doesn't need to be like this and it is not like this in every relationship but for OP that is important and therefore it has to be like this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 Hate gender roles, why does the guy have to lead the relationship, be the leader? Hmm.....didn't say that, but okay I'll bite. I am a strong woman, yet STILL I need a man, just myself personally not speaking for anyone else because I can't, who can not cry when I joke with him. I need a man who is secure enough to be with an attractive woman because I WILL get hit on, looked at, asked out, flirted with, given free drinks, my number asked for, etc etc. This is just me. You can be whomever you want, and want to be with whomever you want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 I need a man who is secure enough to be with an attractive woman because I WILL get hit on, looked at, asked out, flirted with, given free drinks, my number asked for, etc etc. There is where you will find a challenge... people possessiveness and jealousy is totally alarming when you are in a relationship... I really know what you say because it has been a continuous problem for me my whole life! I wish you will find the guy who understand that you have choose to be with him and it is your choice to remain with him every day... he doesn't need to be threatened because if you one day want to leave you will do regardless his controlling attitude...actually much more probable that you will leave him if he is controlling 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetkiwi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 There is where you will find a challenge... people possessiveness and jealousy is totally alarming when you are in a relationship... I really know what you say because it has been a continuous problem for me my whole life! I wish you will find the guy who understand that you have choose to be with him and it is your choice to remain with him every day... he doesn't need to be threatened because if you one day want to leave you will do regardless his controlling attitude...actually much more probable that you will leave him if he is controlling Exactly. This has been a major factor in my breakups to date. I find it very unfortunate because I'm not concerned about my looks as much as the men I am with seem to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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