Frustrating Older Man

[sweetkiwi]

You're missing the point here. Either you are choosing "nice guy" or you are doing something to make them jealous.

I am choosing "nice guy". I don't understand. And it's possible in his mind I am doing things to warrant jealousy. But to my knowledge I am not. His jealousy has nothing to do with me, it's his problem. He's even tried to incite jealousy IN ME and has said it's healthy and he would like if I was jealous.

You can only change yourself not others. When I mean nice guys I mean guys that don't have much self confidence. Men with self confidence wouldn't get jealous over silly things, they have options anyways.

I don't want to change him. Wasn't trying to. It's not a great fit, no harm no foul. He had/has options, confidence or not.

[Ripnet]

There is so much wrong with this post.

 

When it comes to relationships, neither party should have to change who they are. There is someone compatible for everyone, you just need to find them.

Changing only leads to more issues down the track.

 

I can't even be bothered with the rest.

We all change. I wasn't the same person 10 years back. I never said changing for the person who they are but changing the person she picks.

Also people do change. I can assure you that you're not the same person 10 years back. We are constantly evolving and changing.

[ltjg45]

I will be honest: If I was with a woman like sweetkiwi or someone with the same attraction level as her, it is almost impossible to be somewhat jealous of the attention she gets.

 

However, the men she is with and how they act baffles me. I wouldn't get so jealous/nosy to the point where I act like them.

 

I certainly hope you do find a guy that is better than these guys.

[Ripnet]

I am choosing "nice guy". I don't understand. And it's possible in his mind I am doing things to warrant jealousy. But to my knowledge I am not. His jealousy has nothing to do with me, it's his problem. He's even tried to incite jealousy IN ME and has said it's healthy and he would like if I was jealous.

 

I don't want to change him. Wasn't trying to. It's not a great fit, no harm no foul. He had/has options, confidence or not.

 

 

If you're dating nothing but choosing the "nice guy" who lacks confidence and get jealous then you obviously need to change the type of men you date. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result.

[will1988]

If you're dating nothing but choosing the "nice guy" who lacks confidence and get jealous then you obviously need to change the type of men you date. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result.

 

But not everyone is the same. Not every "nice guy" is the same.... there is a whole spectrum. Also, if she is dating supposed nice guys, what would you suggest that she do? date bad guys? you've not been on here long enough to know kiwi like myself and some of the other commenters, she has dated bad guys and it has worked out worse for her than dating the nice guys. I think all kiwi is asking for is a nice guy who is comfortable in his own skin and can trust the woman he is with... and acts like a man. i don't think that those are hard traits to ask for, nor do i think that those type of guys are rare.

[sweetkiwi]

If you're dating nothing but choosing the "nice guy" who lacks confidence and get jealous then you obviously need to change the type of men you date. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result.

I wasn't "dating" when I met this man. I told him within days of first contact that I was only looking for a lover. I am a firm believer that the responsibility of this particular oversight rests squarely on my shoulders. However I see nothing wrong with picking nice guys. Insecure and jealous is NOT good and certainly not what I thought about him weeks ago when we met.

 

Yes, insanity is doing what I always did and expecting not to get what I always got, but thankfully humankind isn't so black and white. I can date the type I am attracted to and one day will find someone who fits exceptionally well. That person isn't him, and that's okay.

[Ripnet]

First of all I don't believe in good or bad people. Each experience is a learning process for me. I wouldn't date a woman who bad mouth her previous dates. I knew quality women say the same. If they heard negative experiences of many women a guy dated she would be turned off. To me there's only compatible and incompatible people. People who have a long term successful relationship has certain life's and values. If you adopt those values and beliefs you will eventually get what you want. You know you're right. Whatever you believe will become true because that's what you're focusing on.

[Lani]

Ooops.....

[MrCastle]

Haven't read anything but the first post. Have you considered not seeing this 41 year old man anymore since he is annoying you? Just a hunch.

[ascendotum]

Oh girl you know I have sky high standards when it comes to BDSM. The Italian Dom has ruined me forever in that regard. He wants to play but I've been sick and tried my hand at a vanilla relationship. Updates soon .

 

I love your style (both spirit and or kinky nature). Just curious, with the jealous older guy you are seeing now (and I can understand why), is he into bdsm? If no, do you think that makes a difference? I bet it would in terms of your passion for him and the difference it would make it in his nature. I found it strange that you said 'once again you have to be the one with the balls in the relationship' when you are into the dom/sub dynamic and have dated violent guys in the past.

 

It tough going being the bf/gf to come after the 'OMG the sex was sooo amazing' ex, but it seems this guy's nature is not helping himself.

"takes jokes very seriously, and has even changed his habits from small things I joked about or mentioned."

The first part is not good, well definitely not my perspective. As for the second part, it can be viewed as a good thing (wants to change to make himself a better person for you and I've done it) but it could also be seem in a negative light like here, and that tends to happen when other aspects in the relationship make the person reflect on their partner's character traits with a critical mindset.

 

Well I see a couple of pages in, he blew it. Too bad...for him.

[RedRobin]

He's not my SO but nice try. And I actually met this man with the explicit purpose, THAT HE WAS 100% AWARE OF, only for sex. The only person who isn't aware of the circumstances is you.

 

Ok... not sure why you are concerned about this person then??

 

Also not sure why men you are just having sex with have access to your Facebook?

 

I dunno. Seems you are playing some role in this drama somehow. Why do you need to post messages to your ex's on Facebook, for instance? What are you posting to them?

 

I'm asking because one of my best male friends is an ex-BF of mine. Another ex is someone I work with fairly routinely. Both are on my Facebook.

 

When I'm in a relationship (or even when I'm not) I'm respectful of their partner's needs and my partner's needs regarding discretion. It has nothing to do with jealousy... has everything to do with mutual respect and diplomacy.

 

Anyway... it wasn't clear to me you were not in a relationship with this guy until this point in your thread... so I go back to the first question. Seems like this guy also is confused about things...

 

Is it possible that you are not being clear to them? About your intentions and goals?

[NYC-BigKat]

So I've been dating this really sweet guy for less than a month. He's considerate, kind, affectionate, giving, handsome, all that good stuff. Except...he is 15 years older than I am and acts like he's 20. He gets jealous and pretends he's not, takes jokes very seriously, and has even changed his habits from small things I joked about or mentioned.

 

It is hard to put it into words but I feel like once again I am the one with the balls in the relationship, which is NOT what I want. Tried to talk about what was bothering me but I get cut off. He's even gotten jealous of my recent LDR ex and asked if he's "the reason we don't have sex anymore".....

 

No. I just got out of the hospital and my vagina is dry from all the meds and his girl like ways are making it dry up like the damn Sahara.

 

*Rant complete. Leave suggestions on how to approach at the end of this message. Only serious entries will be considered.*

 

Maybe u can become my uncle's 2nd girlfriend? He's really really good with girls & has a sense of humor & is older since u like older guys a lot.

[kaylan]

Hmm.....didn't say that, but okay I'll bite. I am a strong woman, yet STILL I need a man, just myself personally not speaking for anyone else because I can't, who can not cry when I joke with him. I need a man who is secure enough to be with an attractive woman because I WILL get hit on, looked at, asked out, flirted with, given free drinks, my number asked for, etc etc.

 

This is just me. You can be whomever you want, and want to be with whomever you want.

My kind of woman.

 

But this guy totally sounds like when when I was in my teens and a part of my early 20s. Id easily get jealous and apologize for dumb crap a lot. However, unlike you, my exes were up to some shady things, so I had reasons to get jealous and be suspicious of them. However, I took jokes and ribbing well though as Im a jokester myself. I love a girl who can bust my chops.

 

As I got older, I got more confidence and stopped caring about things out of my control. If a girl is gonna bail, let her bail. Im gonna just have my fun while were together and work on my own life. This dude sounds super weak for a man over 40, and Im saying this as a 26 year old who used to behave that way some years ago.

[kaylan]

Id also like to add that we shouldnt ascribe his behavior as not being like a man. Hes just insecure and jealous and this can happen to many men and women. And that behavior is annoying in a man or woman.

[sweetkiwi]

Ok... not sure why you are concerned about this person then??

 

Also not sure why men you are just having sex with have access to your Facebook?

 

I dunno. Seems you are playing some role in this drama somehow. Why do you need to post messages to your ex's on Facebook, for instance? What are you posting to them?

 

I'm asking because one of my best male friends is an ex-BF of mine. Another ex is someone I work with fairly routinely. Both are on my Facebook.

 

When I'm in a relationship (or even when I'm not) I'm respectful of their partner's needs and my partner's needs regarding discretion. It has nothing to do with jealousy... has everything to do with mutual respect and diplomacy.

 

Anyway... it wasn't clear to me you were not in a relationship with this guy until this point in your thread... so I go back to the first question. Seems like this guy also is confused about things...

 

Is it possible that you are not being clear to them? About your intentions and goals?

I used his computer to get onto facebook and left it open when I went to sleep. Some guy had wrote me a message, "Hey sexy" or something else dumb, I didn't respond but obviously the sexy part got this guy's attention and he checked other conversations I had. One was with a guy I was seeing before him, and it was sexual in nature. The other was with my most recent ex who is helping me get some legal papers translated.

 

He didn't bother to check how old the sexual messages were, nor did he read the entire conversation. He simply saw a few things and freaked out. I didn't even know what he was referring to so I checked myself and offered to show him the conversations again but he refused. He said some hurtful things about me so I obviously was upset.

 

If there's confusion on his part it has nothing to do with me. I met him with the distinct purpose of wanting a "lover", not a boyfriend. I realize that may be difficult to accept that I won't be changing my mind, but he knew what he was signing up for. And has since called me his girlfriend which I corrected. He pouted, like a child, and refused to talk to me about how he felt.

[sweetkiwi]

I love your style (both spirit and or kinky nature). Just curious, with the jealous older guy you are seeing now (and I can understand why), is he into bdsm? If no, do you think that makes a difference? I bet it would in terms of your passion for him and the difference it would make it in his nature. I found it strange that you said 'once again you have to be the one with the balls in the relationship' when you are into the dom/sub dynamic and have dated violent guys in the past.

 

It tough going being the bf/gf to come after the 'OMG the sex was sooo amazing' ex, but it seems this guy's nature is not helping himself.

"takes jokes very seriously, and has even changed his habits from small things I joked about or mentioned."

The first part is not good, well definitely not my perspective. As for the second part, it can be viewed as a good thing (wants to change to make himself a better person for you and I've done it) but it could also be seem in a negative light like here, and that tends to happen when other aspects in the relationship make the person reflect on their partner's character traits with a critical mindset.

 

Well I see a couple of pages in, he blew it. Too bad...for him.

 

He's not into BDSM, and I have broached the topic with him but he refuses to talk about it. I have been very dominating with him, much more so than with other men, and he's into that. My play in the BDSM community hasn't gone very deep, in fact I have very little experience. I would love to have a relationship where BDSM was part of our sex life, but it's not easy to find a man willing to dominate me only in the bedroom.

 

The odd thing is he jokes with me all the time, and says things which I have told him don't translate well into English. Like calling me stupid or chubby. In Italian these words aren't offensive and strangely can be used as terms of endearment. But I said he was skinny one time and he began eating like crazy and is trying to put weight on. It's not a big deal but combined with other things it just makes me feel like he's much too sensitive. I don't want a man who pouts when I joke with him like I've just crushed him.

[KungFuJoe]

Question...if you're just having sex with him, why does any of this matter?

 

Maybe you should "redefine" or rather, limit your interactions to just plain sex. It can be pretty damn hot if the physical attraction is strong enough.

 

I had a situation like that with a girl I was seeing. The sex and chemistry was pretty great, but holy crap we did NOT get along. Just did not click on a personal level at all. We would constantly fight and stop talking, then get together, have awesome sex, fight, stop talking...over and over. Eventually, we got it down to literally just me coming over, us having sex, and me taking off. Mostly nooners during my lunch break or sometimes I'd swing by at night and be off like the wind after it was done. Probably the best we ever got along during that time.

[aliveagain]

Your no different than a guy like me. I date women younger than me, I don't intentionally try to do this it just seams to happen. Like you, I don't want a serious relationship because there's too much of the world to see. I like the idea of having someone to cuddle with at night, but I don't need to spend the day with them. I have two grown daughters, I don't plan on having any more children. I love to entertain my friends, I absolutely love to travel, I am a gourmet cook and art is my life, I paint. When your ready to settle down you'll know and will have all kinds of men to choose from. These days all I want is someone that can travel with me and wants an adventure. Enjoy yourself, if you explained the relationship you wanted and he took it to another level, that's his doing. You can either accept the new relationship or decide to end it because it becomes to limiting for you, choice is yours. The worst thing you can do is nothing because then your at fault for giving him the wrong message.

Edited June 30, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[Mrlonelyone]

This just shows age =/= maturity. At age 42 if he's not mature enough to deal with his woman being attractive to other men, he never will be.

 

The above idea of treating him as a FWB may work. Sex does have a way of making us like people ...so be careful.

[RedRobin]

I used his computer to get onto facebook and left it open when I went to sleep. Some guy had wrote me a message, "Hey sexy" or something else dumb, I didn't respond but obviously the sexy part got this guy's attention and he checked other conversations I had. One was with a guy I was seeing before him, and it was sexual in nature. The other was with my most recent ex who is helping me get some legal papers translated.

 

He didn't bother to check how old the sexual messages were, nor did he read the entire conversation. He simply saw a few things and freaked out. I didn't even know what he was referring to so I checked myself and offered to show him the conversations again but he refused. He said some hurtful things about me so I obviously was upset.

 

If there's confusion on his part it has nothing to do with me. I met him with the distinct purpose of wanting a "lover", not a boyfriend. I realize that may be difficult to accept that I won't be changing my mind, but he knew what he was signing up for. And has since called me his girlfriend which I corrected. He pouted, like a child, and refused to talk to me about how he felt.

 

Well, lots of people are guilty of not believing what the other person tells them about their relationship goals (or lack of).

 

In the future, if you want to have this kind of arrangement, you might do well to be more discreet. There is a difference between just wanting to take a lover/FWB... and having an open relationship of some kind.

 

Every arrangement has rules... if you want no rules and want to just do whatever you want, whenever you want, that makes you not a responsible or trustworthy person to have sex with.

 

Same goes for not wanting to take the time to negotiate said rules (whatever they are). Did you take the time to do that?

[TheGuard13]

He sounds insecure and immature. A bad combination.

 

Though a larger concern is that his insecurity leads to things like snooping through your accounts and then jumping to paranoid conclusions.

[skydiveaddict]

So I've been dating this really sweet guy for less than a month. He's considerate, kind, affectionate, giving, handsome, all that good stuff. Except...he is 15 years older than I am and acts like he's 20.

 

Your whole problem is that he's not a skydiver.

[ascendotum]

This just shows age =/= maturity. At age 42 if he's not mature enough to deal with his woman being attractive to other men, he never will be.

 

The above idea of treating him as a FWB may work. Sex does have a way of making us like people ...so be careful.

 

Age does not equal maturity, but I don't know if all this is him being immature. Like many FWB arrangements one party would love it to be more, and that's him in this case. Even though SK explained what she wanted out of the relationship, his feelings are kicking in. A lot of people if they start to really catch feelings for the other can get possessive, and its probably more their nature than level of maturity.

 

For sure a lot people if they are unsure of the feelings the other has for them will jump to conclusions when seeing 'sexy' txt/msgs from other guys/girls on their partner's phone/FB. Read some of the responders in the Infidelity section of this forum, and the majority of them who have been cheated on, read between the lines and jump to the worst conclusion over the little things in poster's stories. I realize that the nature of being in a FWB arrangement, but some still want to think they are exclusive and the most special person in their life.

Edited July 1, 2013 by ascendotum

[RedRobin]

I realize that the nature of being in a FWB arrangement, but some still want to think they are exclusive and the most special person in their life.

 

Sure... and some people are also very passive-aggressive about how they inform their partners about their FWB status and what that entails rather than discuss it directly. Sounds like both of them have a few issues that way.

 

I think it was uncouth and careless for her to leave her Facebook open AND... better yet... use his computer.

 

If she's going to use Facebook to troll for other dates/hookups and flirt with her guy friends, she can do it on her own time on someone else's equipment... not his computer. To me that shows HER lack of maturity.

 

THAT is what I'd tell her if I were him. Maybe he has... and she just assumes he's jealous and writes it off instead of just cleaning up her act when it comes to showing some small measure of respect for her sex partner.

[therhythm]

Sure... and some people are also very passive-aggressive about how they inform their partners about their FWB status and what that entails rather than discuss it directly. Sounds like both of them have a few issues that way.

 

I think it was uncouth and careless for her to leave her Facebook open AND... better yet... use his computer.

 

If she's going to use Facebook to troll for other dates/hookups and flirt with her guy friends, she can do it on her own time on someone else's equipment... not his computer. To me that shows HER lack of maturity.

 

THAT is what I'd tell her if I were him. Maybe he has... and she just assumes he's jealous and writes it off instead of just cleaning up her act when it comes to showing some small measure of respect for her sex partner.

 

I don't want to be no one's white knight but this is so uncalled for that I need to say something...

 

 

a) OP has said that she informed forehand to this guy she was only interested in sex..

b) Using someones computer to check Facebook doesn't give anyone right to spy in your own personal stuff, it is immature and definitely invasive...

c) OP was not making plans for hookups in Facebook (OP already explain you that bellow but you look to be wanting to ignore it...)

 

I used his computer to get onto facebook and left it open when I went to sleep. Some guy had wrote me a message, "Hey sexy" or something else dumb, I didn't respond but obviously the sexy part got this guy's attention and he checked other conversations I had. One was with a guy I was seeing before him, and it was sexual in nature. The other was with my most recent ex who is helping me get some legal papers translated.

 

He didn't bother to check how old the sexual messages were, nor did he read the entire conversation. He simply saw a few things and freaked out. I didn't even know what he was referring to so I checked myself and offered to show him the conversations again but he refused. He said some hurtful things about me so I obviously was upset.

 

If there's confusion on his part it has nothing to do with me. I met him with the distinct purpose of wanting a "lover", not a boyfriend. I realize that may be difficult to accept that I won't be changing my mind, but he knew what he was signing up for. And has since called me his girlfriend which I corrected. He pouted, like a child, and refused to talk to me about how he felt.

 

I understand you disapprove FWB's, but since other people don't feel the same way you do I would advise you to refrain to post in this kind of threads because your way is offensive, insulting and rather judgmental!