Must heal my Retroactive Jealousy

[giblesp]

Like some other people here, I am experiencing jealousy over what my girl has done in the past.

 

I know it's irrational. I know it's me having double standards, I have had more sexual experience than her. I don't judge her, I don't thing negatively of her. I know that this will lessen her attraction for me over time. I know that all her and I have is this present time together.

 

But the feelings are there. Its not the relationships she's had that bothers me, its the few casual sexual encounters she's had and the 15 or so times she's kissed strangers, or men she hardly knew.

I've had a one night stand and have kissed about the same amount of women indiscriminately. So I know it's really hypocritical of me. To add to the confusion, I sometimes find myself being aroused by the things she's done.

Perhaps the correct way is the middle ground between the two feelings of jealousy and arousal.

 

What I do know is, I'm wasting precious time with this jealousy. This woman is amazing and loves me like I love her. I don't want to wake up next to her with this feeling, as I have been. I don't want to look at her after we make love and have this feeling.

I just want to take her here and now and enjoy the time we have...

 

Life gets hard enough, and relationships can be challenging. I need to find a way to get over my jealousy, or it will affect my relationship and possibly end it...

Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

[LonelyInsomniac]

Out of all the people (and potential people) she's been with and attracted, she's chosen you. She's been with 15 men? Then there's something significant about you that makes you the ONE out of fifteen that she wants to wake up with.

 

The fact that she's told you, no bars held, about what she's done says a lot about her character. That says she's not ashamed of who she is, and that she knows what she wants. Again, what she wants is you.

 

So, you've had the same amount of partners. How do you feel about your past? Is it, for you, in your past - or does it keep cropping up?

 

I don't know what your situation is, but sometimes we project our own flaws on others. If it's not trust issues, it might be worth thinking about what your own sexuality means to you - and opening up about discussing these things. Your insecurities. Her insecurities. Sometimes it's healing just to realize your partner doesn't think you're filthy for doing things that you are ashamed of.

 

If you're constantly feeling anxious that your relationship is not going to work out for irrational reasons, you might find help by looking up ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Whether you have it or not, it addresses some of the negative cycles and unobtainable expectations that get otherwise functional relationships into hot water. Your awareness of the problem is promising. Your desire to do something about the problem ups the chance of this relationship working out that much more.

 

Best of luck, and hope there's good news on your horizon.

[giblesp]

Out of all the people (and potential people) she's been with and attracted, she's chosen you. She's been with 15 men? Then there's something significant about you that makes you the ONE out of fifteen that she wants to wake up with.

 

The fact that she's told you, no bars held, about what she's done says a lot about her character. That says she's not ashamed of who she is, and that she knows what she wants. Again, what she wants is you.

 

So, you've had the same amount of partners. How do you feel about your past? Is it, for you, in your past - or does it keep cropping up?

 

I don't know what your situation is, but sometimes we project our own flaws on others. If it's not trust issues, it might be worth thinking about what your own sexuality means to you - and opening up about discussing these things. Your insecurities. Her insecurities. Sometimes it's healing just to realize your partner doesn't think you're filthy for doing things that you are ashamed of.

 

If you're constantly feeling anxious that your relationship is not going to work out for irrational reasons, you might find help by looking up ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Whether you have it or not, it addresses some of the negative cycles and unobtainable expectations that get otherwise functional relationships into hot water. Your awareness of the problem is promising. Your desire to do something about the problem ups the chance of this relationship working out that much more.

 

Best of luck, and hope there's good news on your horizon.

 

Some good points you make here, thanks. How do I feel about my own past? No i don't feel dirty in any way. To be honest I've had offers of casual hook ups but turned them down, as it felt empty. Of course, I've certainly enjoyed the kisses in nightclubs and the one nighter I indulged in. But no, I never felt dirty. And yes, I should also view her past in that way.

When I get jealous of her past, I feel that I should have taken up those offers. But thats not the right way to look at things.

 

Her past is similar to mine, nothing that extreme in any way. I've certainly had more relationship experience. I want to use that experience to maintain a good relationship with her. Just need to get over these damn jealousy feelings...

[KungFuJoe]

Some good points you make here, thanks. How do I feel about my own past? No i don't feel dirty in any way. To be honest I've had offers of casual hook ups but turned them down, as it felt empty. Of course, I've certainly enjoyed the kisses in nightclubs and the one nighter I indulged in. But no, I never felt dirty. And yes, I should also view her past in that way.

When I get jealous of her past, I feel that I should have taken up those offers. But thats not the right way to look at things.

 

Her past is similar to mine, nothing that extreme in any way. I've certainly had more relationship experience. I want to use that experience to maintain a good relationship with her. Just need to get over these damn jealousy feelings...

 

There's another thread about this...go see what I've written and see if any of that applies to you (OCD, mother relationship, etc).

[drifter777]

You need to make a decision and go with it. For lots of guys there are girls you play with and girls you want a relationship with and you shouldn't get them mixed up. It sounds as though this girl is fun to play with but you are not comfortable in your relationship with her.

 

The thing is you shouldn't agonize over this as it hurts you and is not fair to her. If you don't want to accept her past you should probably end things before they get more complicated. This is more kind to her then continuing things the way they are now.

[reardear]

I get jealous pretty easily. You just need to learn to not give a f***.

 

Why is she with you, and not any of the tons of guys out there? She's amazing and you love her so much. You get to wake up with this woman beside you. WAKE UP. Think about how lucky you are. Think about how you're the "chosen one". She's kissed a bunch of other guys, but in the end, she's yours.

[giblesp]

There's another thread about this...go see what I've written and see if any of that applies to you (OCD, mother relationship, etc).

 

Yeah, I read what you wrote. I've had OCD in the past, and my childhood household was a joke.

 

My initial reaction to your low self esteem theory, ie I don't match up to her past experiences, was no I don't have a lack of self esteem there. I feel I'm better than any man she's had. It's the casual encounters where she gave away something special and sacred that bother me. The fact that it was given to men freely and cheaply. (Sorry if that causes offense to anyone, being honest with how I feel)

 

I had a long think last night about this subject, as it's blocking my love for this girl in the present and I want to get over it.

 

Men and women have differences and similarities. For some men, finding out that the sweet angel in their lives used to stick her tongue in strangers mouths, and get naked with a man they just met is hard to handle. This works both ways, I've had a girlfriend that was crazed with jealousy.

 

The thing is though, men and women share an equal desire for sex. And when it comes to sex we pretty much do the same things. I've done exactly what my partner has done in previous casual encounters. I've put my tongue in a girls mouth without knowing her name. I've gotten naked with a girl I've had a one off date with and had full sex. As LonelyInsomniac suggested, do I feel guilty of my past or dirty? No I don't, not in the slightest. So I shouldn't feel jealous of her past.

 

When I realized this, I also noticed there was a big difference between her past and mine. When I was younger, I suffered from a series of long term health problems. As a result, I was single for long periods of time. At that age, I would have indulged in far more casual encounters then I have done. In all honesty, I took what I could get as opposed to indulging to the level I wanted. When my health got better and the offers of encounters from girls started coming in, I declined as I was older and looking for something deeper.

 

So, I would have had much more casual encounters back then given the choice. She on the other hand was given a choice, she was in the full bloom and sexual power of young womanhood. Bearing that in mind, she only kissed about 3 men per year. If I had had my full health at that age, I would have been kissing 3 women per month. And I probably would have been having casual sex with multiple partners.

 

Would I be feeling this way if I had had a large number of partners in my history? A lot less then I am, on that I'm certain. What I'm dealing with her, IS low self esteem. An after effect of not feeling at my full strength as a youth, of not feeling good enough.

 

I was right in recognizing this as my problem and nothing to do with her. The jealous feeling is still there, but today I'm not lost in it. I recognize it as a blockage to love and the present moment.

Edited June 25, 2013 by giblesp

[KungFuJoe]

I just wanted to comment on what you said about feeling RJ "less" if you had more partners. From what I've read, I don't think it would make much difference. There are plenty of guys who have had many many times more partners than their gfs/wives did and it still hit them just as hard.

 

When you "think" about your partner's past, it goes in "phases". First, it hits you...then you start thinking about what she did with whoever. You ruminate this through your head for a while and this is the "bad" part that really affects you. THEN, you start to "rationalize" by saying things like, "well...I did the same myself so who am I to judge her?" Then it fades and passes and you move on...until the next "episode".

 

What I'm saying is that RJ is like PTSD. It hits you, runs its course, then goes away. You can't predict it and you can't keep it from happening. It might be a simple trigger like hearing a name on TV...or through a direct conversation with someone.

 

Anyways...just saying that going out and getting "yours" will most likely not help at all.

[giblesp]

I just wanted to comment on what you said about feeling RJ "less" if you had more partners. From what I've read, I don't think it would make much difference. There are plenty of guys who have had many many times more partners than their gfs/wives did and it still hit them just as hard.

 

When you "think" about your partner's past, it goes in "phases". First, it hits you...then you start thinking about what she did with whoever. You ruminate this through your head for a while and this is the "bad" part that really affects you. THEN, you start to "rationalize" by saying things like, "well...I did the same myself so who am I to judge her?" Then it fades and passes and you move on...until the next "episode".

 

What I'm saying is that RJ is like PTSD. It hits you, runs its course, then goes away. You can't predict it and you can't keep it from happening. It might be a simple trigger like hearing a name on TV...or through a direct conversation with someone.

 

Anyways...just saying that going out and getting "yours" will most likely not help at all.

 

Good analysis of the way the feeling comes and gos. It hit me this morning in the way you described, but didn't affect my interactions with my partner in any way, whereas a few mornings ago she was asking me what was wrong and why I was distant. So there's progress there.

 

I agree that going out and sleeping around wouldn't help. I have male and female friends who have had a great number of casual encounters, and now have difficulties in committing to a relationship. At the same time, if there is an aspect of our lives we haven't lived to the full, it can come back to haunt us later. I'm not saying that I would swap what I have now for superficial sexual encounters in my youth, but it might have given me more stability of character in the sense that I'd gone out, explored and lived that side of myself.

 

However, casual encounters have a degree of objectifying and dehumanizing the casual partner. It's a mutual agreement to use the other for pleasure, knowing that nothing more will come of it. The men/women who react to their partner having done these things when they themselves have done this, may be reacting this way as they can't stand the thought of their loved one being so 'pornographic' with strangers. Especially when sex in the present with the loved one is so sacred.

 

Or maybe it doesn't matter at all. I admitted in my first post of also being slightly aroused by what my partner has done with strangers. Not the acts themselves, but her arousal and enjoyment that she has had in her life. The free sexual spirit which I myself have had, and would have explored deeper if given the chance.

 

What does matter to me is that I love this girl in the here and now, and I don't want to judge her or be jealous about things that happened before she knew I existed. We've both been in love, been in lust, enjoyed ourselves, made mistakes, have had broken hearts. We're in each others lives and have a great relationship. I want to continue to make progress on this. It's my problem at the end of the day, I don't want it in our relationship.

Edited June 26, 2013 by giblesp

[KungFuJoe]

If it makes you feel any better, it does get easier with time and understanding.

 

For instance, the last few days I haven't had any ruminating at all. I even TRY to think about it and I lose interest. Kinda like I get "bored" of the thoughts because they are insignificant.

 

I believe that's what we should strive for. Not stopping the thoughts completely, but just making them insignificant.

[giblesp]

I've been in a 4 year relationship where the past wasn't an issue so much, but probably because the girl I was with had very little casual sexual experience.

I know my resolve will be tested in this, we had 'the talk' again today and there were a few other encounters mentioned that hadn't been last time we had the talk.

 

My reactions were pretty neutral and understanding, but I know that now I'm alone, there's a chance the 'movies' could start up again. It seems that s soon as I was at peace with her history, more history came up to challenge my resolve.

 

It's a one step forward two step back thing. Part of me is getting bored with it as you describe, like that part of the brain is getting numb...

[Phantom888]

This is such a relevant topic for me, as I was so extreme in my behaviors. I was involved with a woman who only had 3 partners in her whole life by age 38. She was married for 15 years. I was jealous about her college boyfriend, almost 20 years ago, who used to beat her. I was often upset that she stayed with him even though he beat her, while she was threaten to leave me just because we had small arguments. It made me resent her.

 

Then my next relationship was with a 46 year old woman who basically spent most of the previous 20 years drinking, doing drugs and sleeping around. That basically ate me up every time I thought about all the random guys she slept with whom she never even dated. Her extreme past somewhat desensitized me a bit.

 

Now my current relationship is a lot better. I realize my partner has dated several men in the last 4 years (after her divorce). I realize that's what people do when they date....they have sex with the ones they are attracted to, and if things don't work out, they break up. I think I am doing better this time around because I know she genuinely loves me, and she has told me she never got this far with any of her previous partners. Also, I don't want to hear any details, so she knows not to talk about her previous sexual experiences. She is on-board with helping me, so I think it's important that your partner acknowledges your insecurities and does her part.

[SailingCol]

Hi tough one isn't it in this day and age, what Phantom said in his close sums it up for me, If you are willing to work on it together then you can work it out, its not easy but you can. Im not a lover of promiscuity hate myself for my past and wish I had been more grown up. For me if a girl is the same then I will get over it. Course were all different. Thank goodness !!

[giblesp]

To give an update on my progress, me and my girlfriend had a big discussion which became heated, things were said that where perceived as offensive and for 2 days it looked like we had pretty much broken up.

 

I can promise you that when it seemed like this girl was lost to me, her past and my past didn't even exist. She has been nothing but good to me, and the thought of losing her over things in a past life that I didn't even exist in has been unbearable.

 

We've started to come closer again and things might be ok between us. But the past doesn't exist for me anymore. Not interested in the slightest. If I get any more 'movies,' I'm going to laugh them off and reject them. I'm not losing her over this.

 

Any one who's going through this, just ask yourself how you would feel if she/he wasn't there anymore. Would the past matter then? Cure your RJ, do it now. Live in the present with your loved one and don't push them away. That's the lesson I've learned.

 

A few websites I found helpful;

 

Retroactive-jealousy.com

 

10 Ways to Deal With Your Partner’s Sexual Past (Because You Have To)

 

Guidelines for dealing with (retroactive) jealousy - Conscious Loving Relationship Advice Forum & Community

[AverageCat]

How long have you been with her?

 

I honestly think time heals everything.

 

As for retroactive jealousy, I know A LOT of guys have it, but yeah the first poster was spot on. SHE CHOSE YOU

[KungFuJoe]

I've been in a 4 year relationship where the past wasn't an issue so much, but probably because the girl I was with had very little casual sexual experience.

I know my resolve will be tested in this, we had 'the talk' again today and there were a few other encounters mentioned that hadn't been last time we had the talk.

 

My reactions were pretty neutral and understanding, but I know that now I'm alone, there's a chance the 'movies' could start up again. It seems that s soon as I was at peace with her history, more history came up to challenge my resolve.

 

It's a one step forward two step back thing. Part of me is getting bored with it as you describe, like that part of the brain is getting numb...

 

When you say "the talk" do you mean you continue to discuss her past? If so...STOP! This is very dangerous territory that could severely backfire. What is most likely to happen (and probably already happened) is that you will just have more "triggers" that will set you off.

 

I'm not entirely sure that this is something that you can "resolve" by talking about it with your partner. But, I'll be the first to admit that this whole RJ thing is very tricky, where one thing sets you off and something else seems to have no effect.

 

One thing I want to add is that I've had probably the BEST week I can remember in a very long time. No rumination...when the thoughts come, they have very little to no impact on my mood and even when I "try" to think about them, I get distracted and they just fade away. I'm not keeping my hopes ENTIRELY up because I know I have my good days and bad days, but this does feel "different"...like I'm going through some kind of mental shift.

 

I think a good thing is to keep busy with life and not "obsess" over your partner so much.

[giblesp]

Well, we almost split because of this and I realized very quickly, that to live and project into someone's past was a ridiculous way to end a relationship.

 

From this point I'm leaving behind the past, its a waste of time. No more stupid questions or lengthy discussions. The nasty shock of almost losing her, has literally been shock treatment. So goodbye ghosts of the past and hello my present relationship.

[Phantom888]

This is so difficult I know. I think about it, and it tortures me the more I love my woman. But I think it's all in my head. I have total control in the end. All those men she ever dated before were lame chumps. Now she is with me, and she loves me so much, that's all that matters.

[KungFuJoe]

This is so difficult I know. I think about it, and it tortures me the more I love my woman. But I think it's all in my head. I have total control in the end. All those men she ever dated before were lame chumps. Now she is with me, and she loves me so much, that's all that matters.

 

It IS all in your head. 100% in your head and it's important to keep that perspective.

 

However, you don't have to think of her former partners as "lame chumps". That can actually backfire on you as you will start to think things like, "How could she have lowered herself so much to be with so and so???"

 

They weren't lame chumps...they were just...people. Insignificant to you and her regarding where you are at TODAY. Don't try to put a "value" on the people she was with before you because if you do, you place importance and significance to them and it makes you think about it more.

 

The trick is to make it all seem unimportant. The reason why we obsess and dwell on it is because our minds have given it "meaning". You need to strip out the meaning. Stop wondering why and when and who and how.

 

I haven't had a single "obsessive" episode in almost a week now and I feel GREAT. It's like this great weight has been lifted off your chest...and the blindfold has been removed from your eyes. I see and feel so much clearer right now. I only can hope it lasts and that I've made some kind of "breakthrough".

 

But again, one day at a time.

[giblesp]

Probably the worst case of RJ would be if you viewed your partner as having done something wrong. I know of an instance where a couple became so jealous of each others past, they eventually regarded the other as s*uts. The relationship got worse and they broke up.

 

If you recognize that the issue is with you and not your partner, that's a big step in the right direction. The best step though, is just to be done with it and let it go. Why bring ghosts into the bedroom?

 

I too feel clearer and cleaner in my relationship right now. I feel stronger and more attractive without this jealousy hanging over my head and clouding my judgment.

 

Last night I was aware of how simple little things could trigger the jealousy, and I wanted to laugh at how my mind could have played tricks like that. How those mind tricks could actually end up ruining a perfectly good relationship.

 

My head feels 'debugged' and I'm grateful that the love I share with my woman has shown me the way.