Guys: Decode This!

[seductress989]

Hey Guys, please tell me what this really means when a guy says it that is your ex. My situation: I broke up with him 4 months ago and we've remained "friends" until Sept. 26 when I started NC.

 

 

He says stuff like: "Just b/c we're not together doesn't mean that I don't have feelings for you."

 

"I still have feelings for you" (yet he rejects me when I offer him another chance a couple of

months ago)

 

"I still want you in my life"

 

 

"We can be friends"

 

 

 

*Guys, please decode this for me! I am so confused!

[Merin]

Sounds to me like he is telling you that he still cares about you, that although the two of you broke up and aren't a couple any longer that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about what happens to you, or with you.

 

That he wants to remain Friends and have you in his life.. just not in a romantic way.

 

Then again.. I could be wrong... Crap! LOL they confuse me as much as the next girl...

 

Good Luck

[Urban Rubble01]

I'd say he's either confused or he wants to be with you but is scared of being hurt again.

[Devildog]

Hard to say without knowing anything about the guy. He might just want to have a friendship or he might be trying to keep a door open in case he gets an itch. My experience, and from what I have gathered from other posts on this board is a friendly ex will cause problems in future relationships. You both had feelings for each other at one point and sometimes those feelings are rekindled whether you want it or not. I would suggest being friendly and on decent terms with the ex, but not be best buds that go out drinking together by yourselves.

[Adunaphel]

I think he still has feelings for you

(yet he rejects me when I offer him another chance a couple of

months ago)

 

but is afraid of getting hurt or that if you get back together it won't work.

 

Or he has realized things would not work and even if he would not get back together with you you are still a very important person in his life.

( I felt exactly this way when I was in a similar situation as him.... I loved my ex but I didn't want to get back together with him, because I felt that he was not the right person for me and things would not work. Eventually we got back together though.)

 

(If it had been him dumping you I'd think he's trying to keep a door open, but you said you broke up with him)

 

The important question is: would *you* like to get back together with him?

If so give him time and keep showing him that you care about him, and you'd want to be together again.

[Orchid]

Errr, as we saw on Oprah.... he's just not that into you (for anything more than friendship).

[Weird]

Most likely he wants to keep you around in case he doesn't find anything that pleases him and can fall back on you. Or, maybe there are things about you/the situation that he would need to be changed and he would not get back together unless theose things happened because he knwos it would end the same way. I am like that right now with my ex. She knows I have feelings for her (have told her) but she thinks I think if we hang out as friends I will expect we get back together. NOPE. There are things she needs to fix about herself and how she handles stuff before I would do that again. It will be great to tell her that the next time this type of convo comes up because she will be in a for shock.

 

But, he may not think either of those and may just want to be friends and has a poor way of wording things. If I said those things to a girl then it would mean I had thoughts of possibly getting back together with her down the road. I of course would expand on it rather than leave it ambiguous but hey, this guy may not think that. I dunno...

 

Oh and I think if he does want to get back together but isn't going for it he is probably afraid he may get hurt again so he is cautious. Really, if you want to try again you two should have a good, open convo about this and try and clear the air. If he says he does have interest then tell him you two dont need to just jump back in all hot and heavy acting like nothing has happened. Start out slow and progress from there...and SHOW him things won't turn out the same way by going down the same path. If a person feels things will not be improved over how they were they will just figure things will end up the same way and they will not want to waste their time feeling that way...and that comes back to my situation wiht my ex. I know right now she hasn't changed in the ways she handles stuff so I know things would just end up the same way and I'd be wasting my time for some short term fun when what I want is a long term partner. Only until she can show me she has matured in the ways I need her to would I even consider us trying things out again.

[seductress989]

It isn't that I don't want what I can't have. He's probably "not that into me" after reading your posts. I guess that I should just continue NC and hope for the best. Technically, I have "cut" him out of my life. I don't see him anymore(we live in different towns) and I never contact him in any way. As the dumper, I think I'm doing the right thing. BTW, we did get back together the 1st time we broke, but you gotta remember this is the 4th time we've broken up. I don't think we're getting back together and yes,suprisingly, I do accept that.

 

A year and a half ago, he was everything to me. He means nothing now except confusion and heartbreak. It's too hard for me to be just friends with him after all the effort I put into the relationship. Obviously, the more you give the less you get. That's what I've learned anyways. I broke up w/ him over something very insignificant the final time (Ilovehertodeath) so it's not like I thought of him as a jerk or anything else. I will continue not seeing him and see if anything happens. (although I do think he sent me blank txt messages a week ago)

 

BTW, if anyone has more thoughts on this or questions that would help them answer me better, lemme know. I appreciate all the help!

[Weird]

4 breakups. Well no wonder he says what he says...dude probably has given up that it would work and think the exact same thing will happen that has happened the last 4 times.

 

Really, if you want to get back together (and you say you do) then just contact him and be honest and TALK about it. Don't just say "I want to get back together" or "we;re back together" like elaine and puddy on seinfeld would and go back into the exact same dysfunctional crap. Talk about the problems that caused the 5 billion breaks before (hehe) and say you see the problems and you are confident you two can fix them and can make the changes in yourselves that need to happen for the relationship to work...that is if you even see what the problems were in the previous relationship and with yourself. If you dont then don't bother contacting him because it'd be a waste of your time.

 

Now I am not saying for sure he wants to get back together....but he may. And he may be cautious of it because he thinks the same things will happen and he doesnt want to waste his time and be hurt again. If you truly believe you two can be together then you have to understand those issues from the past and work on them so they don't happen again. If they are problems that just have no way of being fixed (and you are 100% sure of this) then that'd mean you two aren't designed to be in a relationship with each other.

 

It is all about thought and communication...which most people lack when trying to work things out with their exes. Instead they just go back to being the same way they were the 1st time and of course that would lead to the 2nd chance (or 3rd or 4th or 199999th) ending the same way. Things can only work if people understand why they didnt work initially and make the effort to fix the problems.

[backspn]

Now now people. Im a guy and I agree with alot of what everyone has said. It is VERY hard to be friends with an ex, especially if you want more but they dont. Lets not be so hard on Seductress. She is young and is confused and we were all there once in our life. Her BF is probably more than a little gunshy with 4 breakups.....he probably has post tramatic stress syndrom....I jest....but seriously.....he is VERY afraid of getting hurt. Its hard to be friends with exes. I am at that crossroad with my ex. She went out last night to get some coffee with a guy that one of her friends hooked her up with. I told her last night that if she wants to go out with this guy than by all means go have fun but I am not being put on the back burner while she goes out and has "fun". I told her that I cant handle it and that I wouldnt do it again. I guess Im comin to the conclusion that exes CANNOT be friends.....its WAY too hard on the dumpee. She has been calling me every night talking with me like we were together still and then she goes and does this. The funny thing is she has NO idea of what she is doing.....she just tells me "cant I go out and have fun?". "Sure sweetie....go out and have fun.....but I wont be here to pick you up when you fall...again". I'll keep you guys informed cause as of tonight....NC begins for me!! Lets see how she likes life without me for the first time in 4 years.

[Weird]

backspn

 

haha yeah. sounds like a common thing i have seen around here...

 

she will talk to you and be all close and buddy buddy wiht you and then will go out wiht other dudes. you tell her you can't deal with it and don't want to talk to ehr and she then gets all defensive and acts like you are being a prick. This of ocurse is thecase for both men and women on this board so I dont want to imply only females do this to guys.

 

Man, she is strigning you along and I hope you can just tell her to leave you alone because you don't deserve that treatment.

 

I also work on the theory that exes in general cant be friends. People hold too much anger at what hapepned and even when they dont realize it, they are trying to get a dig into the other person for some odd reason. Your ex seems to be doing that with you.

 

Try telling her you are going out wiht a new girl. See hwo she reacts. I bet she gets pissed off...

[backspn]

Ya Weird....she was like "whats wrong?". ROFL. Oh nothing.....just that YOURE GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!! Then Im the bad guy cause of this? ***** that!! Ive done nothing but be good to her....but she fails to see it. Maybe a month without the best guy she has ever known with straighten her arse up.

[seductress989]

Thanx again, for all the replies. I believe that my ex and I need to mature (i'm19, he's 21) before we take things a step further. I agree with backspn that my ex really is hurt and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have post traumatic stress syndrome after 4 breakups w/the same person!

 

I do love him, but I am afraid to contact him anytime soon for fear of rejection and me getting hurt for once. I mean, if you were a guy and your ex: broke up w/you 4 times, called you a bastard,(i never called him that b4), and told you that she never wanted to see you again, would you have anything else to do w/her? I doubt it! I know that I've treated him wrong and that's why I'm doing NC. I'm going to continue it until at least next year unless he contacts me. I highly doubt that he will contact me. NC isn't hard for me b/c my ex and I live in 2 different towns now. We didn't while we dating, but I moved out when I started my sophomore year of college. So, NC isn't hard for me physically, only mentally. Does everyone think that I'm doing the right thing w/NC? Or do I owe him an apology for the way I've treated him?

 

To backspn: thanx 4 ur response! I really appreciate that. I think that it may be too hard for my ex and I to be friends right now. In the future that may change. As for your situation, backspn, I think you're doing the right thing. Your ex loves to tell you she's dating someone else so why don't you tell the same thing like Weird had suggested? Give her a taste of her own medicine. See how she feels being strung along for the ride. NC can just be an addition to that until she can come to her senses. (if she does!)

 

Thanx everyone 4 the replies! Keep them coming!

[Weird]

yeah you two probably are too immature right now for anything real. best you avoid trying to reconcile.

 

as for would I give an ex a chance if she broke up with me 4 times and called me names...i would if she could honestly show me she had changed and truly wanted to be with me and have things work.