What's happening?

[Worried]

I'm confused as to what is happening with my relationship and would really appreciate some advice. I'll start from the beginning so that you can get the entire picture.

 

I'm 26 and met my girlfriend online in a chat room. She asked if anyone wanted to chat, so I replied. She told me she was 34 and we got talking. In the space of an hour she had invited me out for a friendly cup of coffee. So we met and it felt as if we had known each other for years - the conversation ran so smoothly, there were no awkward moments at all. She suggested we go and see a movie the next night, but we couldn't find anything to see so she invited me over for dinner instead. That was when I found out she had a 2 1/2 year old daughter. It freaked me out to begin with, but I was soon OK with it. The next she invited me back to her place for dinner again.

 

Over the course of seeing her almost every day for 3 weeks, we found ourselves growing closer until she invited me to stay over on the weekends. Then suddenly after about 3 weeks she told me that she couldn't see me during the week at all because of her studies. Obviously I was upset, but she was doing a degree from uni and a course from TAFE and looking after a child, so I respected her wishes. But she still kept inviting me over each night and to stay on the weekends as well. Then about 2 weeks ago she suddenly told me she couldnt see me for a couple of weeks because she had exams and needed to study every night. I was upset but I understood. Then suddenly she said that I was suffocating her and she needed some space because she had been seeing me all the time and neglecting all of her friends and she needed some time to catch up with them as well. Once again, I was upset but I understood. Trouble is, most of her friends are ex-boyfriends!! But I have met most of them and I have no reason to be jealous, she is just good friends with them.

 

Now she tells me that she doesn't have time for a relationship because of all of her studies and looking after her daughter. She also says that she is not ready for a live-in relationship at the moment, making me think that our time together was just a test for her. I'm not being selfish and I quite understand that living together is a huge commitment, but there's more to a relationship than living together.

 

Everything used to seem so genuine though, we used to say we loved each other and we used to snuggle up while watching movies and kiss etc. Her smile and personality just blew me away, I can't describe how they made me feel. But now we don't even hug each other, and if I try to give her a kiss she shies away from me as if she is disgusted by me.

 

Even after saying that she doesnt have time for a relationship, she still invites me over, but I have a feeling it is not because she wants to see me, because she always asks me for help cleaning up her house such as vacuuming, washing dishes, tidying up etc. I have no problem with that normally because at least I get to see her, but at the moment it feels as if I am being used. She seems to have more fun with her friends than she does with me. She seems to have time to go out and socialise with them, but with me it's always 'I'm too busy studying, this is the only way I can see you.'

 

In the beginning, she used to say to her daughter "Is xxxx your daddy?" and then encouraged her to call me daddy. I didn't mind in the slightest, it made me feel closer to the both of them. I asked my girlfriend if she had a problem with her daughter calling me daddy and she said she didn't care one way or another. But now she calls me daddy all the time I see her and says to me lovingly "daddy, I miss you. Don't go daddy." and gives me a huge hug. But when my girlfriend invites her friends or neighbours over and her daughter calls me daddy she says "Oh, xxxx's not your daddy. Don't call him that." So what's going on there?

 

I love her so very much and constantly tell her so. I think about her every single day and I can't get her out of my mind. But all she says is "I can't predict the future, we'll see what happens". She actually told me the other day that she feels guilty because she doesnt care about me as much as I care about her. I have asked her at least 3 times why doesn't she just break up with me, but each time she avoids answering. She just told me last night that when she met me she was at a low point in her life and still is, but she refuses to discuss it further. Was having this relationship with me just a way of trying to get over the low point? It is getting so frustrating not knowing what's happening!

 

Yet she still invites me over and lets her daughter call me daddy. If I know for sure that she is only using me and doesn't really want to see me anymore then I would prefer to end the relationship now before anyone (her daughter or me) gets hurt even more.

 

I still chat to her everynight on the net. Just this week she keeps telling me that she will ring me during the day when she finds out what she is doing, but she never does. It was my birthday yesterday and we had planned to go to lunch. But at the last minute she cancelled saying she was too busy to do anything.

 

She rang up later in the day to wish me a Happy Birthday though, but then told me what she had done during the day. Gone to see a film with her ex-boyfriend and his daughter!! I'm not jealous as I've met him numerous times before, but it's still annoying that she puts her friends before me. I'm not just being selfish am I?

 

I don't want to finish with her, as I could never forgive myself if there was a chance that we could stay together. Do you think it's possible that I'm just overreacting and that she really does need some space for a while? I'm too attached to her daughter now as well, she gives me big hugs and says to me "I miss you Daddy. Don't go Daddy, come back soon..." Why doesn't she just tell her daughter not to call me daddy if she wants to break up? It will be really difficult for me and her if I leave. I have a feeling I'm just holding on to the impossible but as long as there is a little bit of hope I won't give up.

 

I just don't know what to do. When I ask her about the relationship she says that she has problems too and accuses me of worrying too much!

 

So, any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!

[Tony T]

This lady is jerking you and your feeling all around big time. When she went out to watch a film with a friend instead of seeing you on your birthday, that was a major statement. She cancels plans with you at the last minute. She is really treating you like garbage and it should really piss you off. I don't think you are seeing clearly what she is doing to you.

 

I don't care what the reason is...maybe she's scared of getting closer...maybe she's got her thoughts on someone else coming back into her life...no matter what, this situation is NOT a good situation for you.

 

She has been honest with you basically in telling you her feelings about you are not the same as yours for her. Pay attention here.

 

If I were you, I would cut way down on the frequency of your contact with her. If she really cares about you in a special way, this will alarm her. If she doesn't, it won't bother her and you can go on your merry way.

 

My best sense tells me this lady will not be the love of your life. You need to resolve this matter as soon as possible. Maybe you should just have a heart to heart talk with her and see just where her head is. I think you will find it's not in the same place yours is.