My man told me a HUGE lie.

[Alive]

I've been dating this guy for about a year.

 

By mistake, yesterday, I opened his email inbox instead of mine. I found something really strange in there.

 

It was an email survey and it said:

 

Dear <his first name here>,

 

We were delighted to serve you during your recent stay at Ramada. We realize

that you have a choice in hotel properties, and we appreciate your business.

 

Feedback from our valued guests is important to us. We invite you to take a few

minutes to complete a survey about your stay at Ramada <insert location here>,

where you checked out on September 30, 2004.

 

To view the survey, please click on the web address below. If that does not

work, please copy and paste the entire web address into the address field of

your browser.

 

http://ramada.guest-survey.net/<survey id info here>

 

Your comments are very valuable to us, and we look forward to hearing about your

stay with us.

 

Sincerely,

 

Keith J. Pierce

President

Ramada Franchise Systems, Inc.

 

This hotel is about 2,000 miles away from where we live and in the southern US (we live in southern Ontario in Canada). As far as I knew, he went to work that day and went to his dad's after work and came home at around 11 that night.

 

I checked out the location of the hotel and it was by an airport. It was enough time to go there and come back in the same day.

 

He's lied to me and I don't know why. I remembered that day -- he said that he was going to his dad's after work. I somehow don't think he did. I'm so angry at him for lying to me. I don't know why he's done it.

 

I don't know what to do. If I confront him with it, it'll look like I was snooping in his mailbox and I had honestly opened it up by mistake because i was doing something else. I don't know what else he's lied about. But this is a huge lie -- he left the country for about 12 hours that day and not told me why. A huge lie.

 

I moved in with him about 2 months ago because he asked me to and I'm living here with him now. He says he loves me but if he loved me, he wouldn't have told such a huge lie. And, if he can tell such an enormous lie, how can I ever trust him with anything ever again?

 

I'm really angry. I don't know how to confront him. I want to just pick up and leave right now.

 

What am I to do? I haven't said anything to him yet and I've given him no indication that anything is wrong yet. I just found this yesterday. I'm really angry and I hate his guts right now.

[Pocky]

First question is:

 

If you find out that he met a woman there and cheated on you would you leave?

[savethedrama4allama]

Well you're going to get a lot of different opinions on this board regarding snooping. However, you did say it was a mistake, and that happens when you share a computer. Regardless, flying 2,000 miles away and renting a hotel room trumps snooping in my book. This is a serious issue that must be dealt with.

 

There may be a good explanation- could a friend have used his name to book? It seems far-fetched that someone would fly 2,000 miles and back in the same day.

 

My advice to you is to calmly tell him what you found and for him to explain. Calm is the key. If you blow up, most likely he'll get defensive and you'll get nowhere.

 

I can't imagine how hurt and angry you must be. Try not to jump to conclusions- stay calm until you figure out what is going on. Take care of yourself and please keep us updated.

 

Savethedrama

[CurlyIam]

Try and check the hotel. See if ha was there, if he was alone, etc. MAke a phone call and say you're the banker and ask something about how the room was paid for... Maybe it's spam and he was never there? Maybe one of his friends send himthis?MAybe one his freinds used his name? Who knows?

 

Get the facts straight first!

[Alive]

Yes. Because I know I can no longer trust him with anything. But it seems way out of the way to do something like that.

 

He doesn't make a lot of money.

 

I just looked again. Now I went into the inbox intentionally. There are two emails from someone about operating a merchandise table.

 

This is f*cked up. I don't know what to do or how to see what happened.

[Pocky]

Have you had any indication before this that he would be cheating on you?

[Alive]

Have you had any indication before this that he would be cheating on you?

 

No. None at all. And why go 2,000 miles away to cheat? Most people would do it with someone in the same city. There are millions of people in this city -- why fly out 2,000 miles away? He doesn't make enough money to fly out frequently.

[CurlyIam]

See? Men are very practical when it comes to an ocasional lay. There is something else here. Maybe a mistake, maybe a person. I dare say that I doubt another woman.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't know what to do. If I confront him with it, it'll look like I was snooping in his mailbox and I had honestly opened it up by mistake because i was doing something else.

 

So what.

 

Sweetie, you're going to have to get over it if you want to be more assertive and pro-active regarding your own personal safety and well-being. Call it an act of self-preservation. Whatever helps. Meanwhile, if it were "me," I could care less whether or not he regarded me as a "snoop." The circumstantial evidence and the apparent lie trumps that. He'd better have a d*mn good alibi to cover his tracks before I'd even begin to feel the slightest bit of remorse or guilt on my part.

 

If you bite your tongue simply because you are embarrassed, this will eat you alive from the inside out. It doesn't matter how this information got to you, it's sitting in your lap now like a big fat elephant. You either confront him (calmly) with what you found and get the answers you need…or you pack your bags and gracefully exit now.

 

I could be innocent…then maybe not. But the fact that you believe he may have actually LIED about his whereabouts and what he was actually doing that day means there may have already been a serious breech of trust. Without it, your relationship is doomed a slow death anyway.

 

Pull yourself together girlfriend, and do whatever it is you got to do to help yourself! Either way, the truth will set you free.

[EC]

I needed to use my bf's phone once and I pushed all the button by mistake because everyone that knows me knows I am cell phone retarded..lol anyways and I just so happened to see a girls name under recent calls..

 

I didn't want him to think I was snooping and I didnt know how to bring it up...but then I thought wtf? I'm young I dont need a guy lying to me...I want the truth..I dont care if he thinks im snooping or not I want to know...

 

So long story short I told him I was using his phone and saw her name and it was an accident because i was pushing all the buttons he immediately believed me and laughed and called the girl right there and everything is cool now and I worried for no reason...

 

Sooo. I think that You are a Woman...and you feel he lied..and you will never know unless you ask him and show him what you find and find out the truth!

 

So what if he thinks you snooped he might have flown 2, 000 miles to rent a room and cheat on you!! Like another poster said get it together and ask him...

[CurlyIam]

Ok, I'm repeating myself here! don't confront him before having checked with the hotel.They know his name, they can confirm you if he was there or not. Check if he paid with a credit card. Only after that confront him. He may want to lie to you, but he cannot ignore the evidence.

 

Just do your homework before asking!

[Alive]

He seems very forthcoming with details...generally speaking.

 

I don't know if I really think "another woman". But, why did he get a room there?

 

I read that email about people and some merchandising table. It was sent the day before the day in question about the day in question (September 30). It was for some Christian concert (also on September 30).

 

I just find it insane that he'd fly all the way out there and not tell me about it...to go out of his way to lie about it. I feel betrayed not because I think he cheated but because he lied.

 

He wanted us to buy a house together at some point in the future. He's talking long-term commitment ... and yet I find this ... this HUGE HUGE lie. What can I ever trust him with from hereon in? Even if it's not another woman, it's still a really big lie.

 

I loved him. Now I feel nothing but dispassion and apathy.

[CurlyIam]

Do something abot it. It sure won't go away!

[Alive]

What's a reasonable front I can give a hotel for checking this information?

 

What should I ask them? If he was there? I don't think they'll tell me if he was alone.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Alive…you do not actually know whether or not he lied to you (yet). Be on alert, but remain calm and try not to jump to any conclusions yet. You won't know what happened until you get an answer from him. I also like Curly's idea about checking with the hotel first.

 

It could be that the hotel got the email address wrong. Was he addressed by his actual name in the email?

 

It could be that someone used his credit card number and he isn't aware of it yet. There are so many possibilities, you have to at least give him the opportunity to explain. You both owe each other at least that.

 

Have you spoken to his father yet…to see if he actually went there for a visit?

[Sukotto]

Yeah his dad is the simpliest way to find out and how would he pay for the flight?

 

Cash or credit card can you check those things? Cause flights wont be that cheap.

[sweetpea01]

Why don't you check it out with his dad? Sometimes these things can be simply explained. I found a strange # in my bf's cell phone once while I had his phone to plan his b-day party! I said, screw the b-day surprise, adn I called him up and asked about it. Turns out it was totally harmless and there was a good explanation for everything.

 

If you don't want to tell him you checked his email (and if he's cheating on you, then snooping in his inbox makes you an angel in comparison), why don't you tell him the Ramada called, and seemed to think that you stayed there? Hopefully you'll be able to tell something by how he responds to it.

 

 

Sweetpea

[twalkoe]

I completely agree with the last few posters...just call his dad.

 

Ask his dad if he ended up coming over there on the night in question. Wait for his reply and then let his dad know that you are looking for something insignificant of his...like a shirt, or a card that may have fallen out of his wallet...that would be convenient for you to find, but not life or death crucial.

 

If he did stay there, ask him to keep an eye out for it. If he didn't stay there then nonchalantly blow it off by saying that he had mentioned that he might and you will check with the "other" friend that he said he might stay with.

 

Don't make it a crucial thing that you are looking for...like a wallet...becasue the father might be compelled to ask about it in future conversations if you end up staying with this guy. Don't tell the father that he said that he was going to stay there and then didn't, because family members do not want to be dragged into these kind of situations...it gets too awkward.

 

I think that there is a logical explanation for this. I don't believe that he lied or cheated.

 

You are jumping to some pretty big conclusions without having the facts.

 

Just call the dad...and you'll see what happened.

 

Also, if someone that you love and are going to share your life with gets uppity about you looking at their email...I think that's almost as big an issue as to where he was that night.