kiwildr Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Well a lot of you have followed my journey of what seemed liked the perfect online dating scenario - I travelled from NZ to the US. Although things didn't quite go as I had hoped with lots of mixed messages and facing the cold hard reality that there was not enough spark for him to make it anymore than a awesome friendship. I think it is hard when things don't work out to say see you later straight away if you have built a connection with someone over a couple of months I have known him for 3 months now and we know every aspect of one another's life. I left the US yesterday and it was kind of funny as we still text one another right up until my plane departed, but more as fun loving friends who can still joke around and make one another laugh. Maybe our friendship will fade as time goes by, I think the hardest part might be letting go if you are the one that has romantic feelings for the other person. But reality is sometimes you have to, it is going to be hard for me but I have decided once I touch down in NZ I will not make contact and from there well we will take each day as it comes with our friendship either way I met an awesome person and learnt a lot about myself too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
missunshine Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 awee kiwildr I just wrote you on your other thread... ) Link to post Share on other sites
missunshine Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 all you said now, I think it's the right thing to do... I know it's gonna be hard, but it's going to go away... some things don't always turn the way we want and the way we expect. but also, everything happens for a reason as well... it will be allright.. lots of hugs for you :* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwildr Posted June 24, 2013 Author Share Posted June 24, 2013 Ha ha just saw your post to on the other thread, thanks heaps misssunshine.Definitely trying to take some positives from this as it is the best way forward for now. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 So did you have a talk with him before leaving? What did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwildr Posted June 24, 2013 Author Share Posted June 24, 2013 Yes I did justwhoiam - it was more along the lines of he doesn't want a romantic realationship with me but wants to stay in touch with me as a friend, which I respect although hard to swallow at first. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Yes I did justwhoiam - it was more along the lines of he doesn't want a romantic realationship with me but wants to stay in touch with me as a friend, which I respect although hard to swallow at first. I see. You reacted a lot better than I would have. I would have asked questions about sex (since you had sex with him). Anyway, you were brave. You're very mature. Link to post Share on other sites
Tk123 Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 I'm sorry to hear the bad news kiwi Although this may be hard for you to do, I would recommend you stop talking to him daily or just become more difficult to contact. By that I mean don't respond immediately when he texts or calls you. It sounds like you guys ended on good terms however, you need to let those romantic feelings for him subside. If you stay around to his convenience, he's going to think he lost nothing and you may never "let go" by staying in complete contact with him. I know it's hard, it really is! Splitting up sucks, but soon enough you'll be back on your two feet and he will be a thing of the past. Keep your head up, we're here for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 I see. You reacted a lot better than I would have. I would have asked questions about sex (since you had sex with him). Anyway, you were brave. You're very mature. What questions? Just because two people have sex doesn't mean they both want a long term relationship - not unless it's discussed and agreed beforehand. There's nothing to ask. It happened once......just because......and now it's time to move on. Glad to hear you're being so positive about the experience kiwildr. Good for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 What questions? ... There's nothing to ask. It happened once......just because...... Everyone's different, LT. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Everyone's different, LT. That's all. Of course everyone's different......but there is absolutely nothing to be gained from asking a guy why he had sex with you if he didn't want a relationship. There is only one answer to that question, and the woman who asks it is just going to make a fool of herself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Kiwi I read your other thread but figured I would respond to this one. First, I give you a lot of credit. You know, you just don't know who you are going to fall in love with and how it will happen. It could have been a fairy tale ending, I give you a lot of credit for taking the risk. I suspect a lot of what you are feeling now is a loss of 'what could have been'. For almost 3 months you have had this person in your life and there was a lot of hope and expectation. Now you have to go back to your life and move along and even though you weren't in a serious relationship with this person for those 3 months, it will probably feel like a break up of sorts because he was a big part of your life for a while now. I don't think I've ever posted about this on LS, but I met someone (a fix up of sorts) by meeting 1/2 way. He lives about a 12 hour drive from me and we met 1/2 way for a weekend. We had a great time but no real connection for either of us. I think when it comes down to it, the challenges of this situation are this. It's not your typical dating scenario where you meet for a couple of hours and then go your separate ways with butterflies in your tummy wondering if the other person feels the same. You're kind of all of a sudden there, attached at the hip for days and not really having the space to let a budding relationship grow or even the space to sort out your feelings. I also think sometimes you build these things up in your mind and then it's possible that there's no way the person could ever meet your expectations. That might have been an issue for him. It's a big decision to get into a LDR. What my thoughts were after my trip (almost 2.5 years ago) were that even though I liked him and if we were local I might have gone on a second date with him, the chemistry/connection would have to be off the charts for us to decide to embark on such a difficult 'arrangement' if you will. 2.5 years later we still text about once a week, I consider him a good friend and we joke about getting together again sometime if we're both single at the same time. I have just started a new relationship of sorts and he keeps checking in with me because he's worried about me. It's sweet. So, don't beat yourself up. I know it's not always easy but look at the positive. You followed your heart. It didn't work out but you really took a risk. You might have made a lifelong friend. Best of luck!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwildr Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 curlygirl40 - you have described it perfectly, for some yes it is that instant physical connection as well as an emotional connection straight off the bat. It doesn't mean it is right or wrong. I think he really wanted to take it slowly but also wanted to take a chance in case he was about to miss out,when you look at our profiles we were almost a perfect match. But i had prepared myself mentally in so many ways, I did not have in my mind he had to be the "one" whereas he had built I think expectations that I was never going to meet even though I kept on trying to pre empt everything. It all happened so quickly to, like you said you are suddenly there and you have little time to process exactly what you are feeling and is going on and are of course concerned about their feelings it can be so confusing which is what I found and obviously he found. It's not like you go out for dinner and think that was a lovely dinner and I had fun I really like this person this is going awesome I will see them again and this could lead to something wonderful and great. Question was it you that decided it was not going to work or was it a mutual agreement? Thank you for understanding some of the dilemmas involved ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CA2TN4Love Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 I know exactly how you feel, kiwildr. I know how confused and sad you felt when you realized that the connection you desperately hoped for wasn't there. However, I can promise you that it will get better. I talked to a man from Canada (I'm in the US) for over a year before we met up. He drove 35 hours to come see me and we spent almost three weeks with each other; however, I could tell that he wasn't feeling a spark with me. This was evident during the first day together. There were a few moments when I'm sure he was confused and perhaps something physical could have happened, but I shut it down. I knew where he stood and didn't want to confuse the issue. We did have a great time together as friends; however, when we returned home, I cut way back in communication. I just didn't have the energy to devote so much time to him when I could be missing someone else who was meant for me. I think this caught him off guard. I flipped the tables and now he initiates all contact. He even messaged me a few times saying that we should just say "screw it and get married." I just send a smiley face in return. He even gets a little jealous of my current SO, but he truly is a great friend so I'd never completely say goodbye. My point is that there are many reasons that things don't work out, none of which are the fault of either of you. Chemistry can't be forced. Meeting him, for me, was closure on my fantasy because I knew exactly where we stood. Had I not met him at that time, I'd probably be devoting those numerous hours to him and wouldn't have sought out my current SO. As they say, one door closes so another door can open. Take some time to heal and then realize that someone amazing is wondering where you are. Get out there and find him! =) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 It's great to hear you're taking such a positive experience from it, OP. Strongly agree with your decision to go NC, too. All the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwildr Posted June 26, 2013 Author Share Posted June 26, 2013 Hmm...so I have no made no contact, but he has already contacted me I have yet to reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 What did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwildr Posted June 26, 2013 Author Share Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Asking me how I was and if i was ready for another vacation, because he was ready for another one already? Edited June 26, 2013 by kiwildr Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 Does he want to be FWB's with you? I wouldn't meet up with him if that's all he wants and you want more. Asking me how I was and if i was ready for another vacation, because he was ready for another one already? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 Why does he want this if he doesn't want to be with you? Might be best to tell him you're not interested in being FWBs, if you haven't already, and subsequently decline his offer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiwildr Posted June 26, 2013 Author Share Posted June 26, 2013 Yep very confusing - I thought if he wasn't into me he may want to distance himself from me now i am not sure how to respond if at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Tk123 Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 Sounds to me like all he wants is sex Kiwi. You're better then that and deserve a lot more than that, but it is your choice. I'd give it a couple of days before you respond, like I said in my previous post: don't be so available to him. He'll eventually realize he made a big mistake. Hang in there Kiwi, you're going to get through this! *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 there is absolutely nothing to be gained from asking a guy why he had sex with you if he didn't want a relationship. There is only one answer to that question, and the woman who asks it is just going to make a fool of herself. I would have asked several questions, not that one specifically. But that's just me. **************** Does he want to be FWB's with you? I wouldn't meet up with him if that's all he wants and you want more. Why does he want this if he doesn't want to be with you? Might be best to tell him you're not interested in being FWBs, if you haven't already, and subsequently decline his offer. Right. I would answer with: How come? Would you like to be FWB with me? And then wait for his answer. Link to post Share on other sites
missunshine Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 Yep very confusing - I thought if he wasn't into me he may want to distance himself from me now i am not sure how to respond if at all. now that is confusing kiwi... do you really think he was thinking of only having sex when he mentioned for another vacation? would he really believe you would go all that distance again just to have sex with him??? as far as you have told us, you only did it once, so if that is the case I don't think he meant being fwb when he asked you for another vacation... maybe he has been going through everything that has happened and realizing he should have never let you go like that... because I am sure at that time, in those few days, it's hard to think clearly... it's just so little time... so you should definetly reply... saying something like ''another vacation? why?'' you should definetly ask him why and let him give you a concrete answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 It's odd he would travel all that way again just for sex This is confusing!! But maybe he thinks your friendship is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
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