Not a fairy tale ending but making the most of it

[kiwildr]

I think maybe he was just trying to be nice and make sure I was okay being home etc..., that way to I guess he can get on with his own life and notch this one up to the Kiwi girl experience and carry on with his life and not feel so bad...

[SaltwaterHeart]

I think maybe he was just trying to be nice and make sure I was okay being home etc..., that way to I guess he can get on with his own life and notch this one up to the Kiwi girl experience and carry on with his life and not feel so bad...

 

 

That's kind of what I thought. After all he just said he could use another vacation, right? Kind of a weird thing to text you, but I wouldn't read too much into it.

Also note how he didn't really say something about the two of you, e.g. 'OUR next vacation' or something along the lines of wanting to be with you again.

[CA2TN4Love]

Or perhaps he misses the fantasy world? I firmly believe that some people get wrapped up in the online world and when they take it from fantasy into reality, it crumbles. Maybe he really misses the online companionship as it was and is sending you mixed signals so that he can keep you in that role? That's the way I perceived my Canadian friend and it really bothered me because as soon as I got home and quit doting on him and giving him hours of my undivided attention, he pulled out the flirt card. I never reciprocated. I am still fond of him, as a friend, and will never go backwards. Actions speak louder than words, kiwi. Remember his actions when he was with you when he tries to use his words to recapture your heart.

[kiwildr]

I am just curious do you think after three months of chatting day and night and building an online connection where you have shared your life and a lot about yourselves that a guy can just shut off any feelings at all on a LDR and just forget about it all. Just trying to go through this whole process of getting over it, which is proving quite hard. I know the answers are time will heal and get over it, often easier said than done, and believe me i have tried to be strong through all of this.

[LittleTiger]

Asking me how I was and if i was ready for another vacation, because he was ready for another one already?

 

I wouldn't read anything into this at all. Saying that you're ready for another holiday after you just got back from one is 'just an expression'. I've said it myself lots of times. I doubt very much that he was suggesting meeting up with you again.

 

I am just curious do you think after three months of chatting day and night and building an online connection where you have shared your life and a lot about yourselves that a guy can just shut off any feelings at all on a LDR and just forget about it all. Just trying to go through this whole process of getting over it, which is proving quite hard. I know the answers are time will heal and get over it, often easier said than done, and believe me i have tried to be strong through all of this.

 

No, he can't just shut off his feelings. That's why he sent you a text to say hi, how are you doing. He still wants to be connected in some way - probably as friends. You just spent 10 days together and presumably had a good time, for the most part.

 

I know if my guy and I hadn't hit it off romantically we would both definitely have stayed in touch as friends because the connection was so strong - it's something we discussed many times before we met IRL.

 

kiwildr, you probably need to accept that he's offering his friendship - and decide if that's what you want. If not, you need to let him know or he will continue to contact you and make it harder for you to move on.

[Tk123]

I am just curious do you think after three months of chatting day and night and building an online connection where you have shared your life and a lot about yourselves that a guy can just shut off any feelings at all on a LDR and just forget about it all. Just trying to go through this whole process of getting over it, which is proving quite hard. I know the answers are time will heal and get over it, often easier said than done, and believe me i have tried to be strong through all of this.

 

He may have shut off some feelings for you, but he can't completely forget about you. I think LittleTiger nailed it on the head. He still wants to be friendly with you and stay connected with you. If you're happy with just that, then sure stay in touch with him!

 

What I was telling you in my previous post is that it sounds like YOU still have romantic feelings for this guy. The only way to lose those feelings is to cut off contact. If you stay in touch with those feelings you're just going to keep opening up the wounds.

 

So what do you want kiwi? Do you want a friendship with this guy, or are you still expecting more than that? If you want more, I think it's best you tell him that you guys maybe take a break from talking with each other for now.

[MiaLovesDave]

From a fellow kiwi to another kiwi, I am so proud of you doll especially

of what you went through, not all LDR are created equal and its okay

for us as human beings to endure what we went through mentally only to find out

that we didn't click physically or how shall I say it, not what the other person expected

of us to become from the photos of you that was suppose to tell them a thousand words.

 

I'm really sad for you because it took you so much of an effort

to not only travel so far to meet him only to be of a physical or persona disappointment to him? I don't get people for that especially if they agreed to be in a LDR with you?Thats crazy!!

 

It kinda makes me wonder, if this guy was for real about your LDR and that of you both communicating via email and web cam meant nothing to him? Ijs.

 

But I loved it how it was back in the old days in the battles

of the World War and how the single women wrote to the young single

soldiers without having to meet in person only of the photo they had,

but of what they wrote to eachother was meaningful and became deep, so deep that people can fall in love over time aswell over letter written words of which from then will give them a ray of positive hope that there will be a possible future with this person and that when they will finally get to meet face to face, they'll be falling in love all over again.

 

But I guess not only people have changed their way of thinking about how love

should happen but aswell the era of time of how love should be accepted with an open heart and mind. Jmo though:)

[kiwildr]

Give me back the old days and old values ...I still don't get any of it I was completely 100% honest and the photos and everything about me was how I am.

 

Thanks TK123 & LT I know you are both right in what you are saying to...I think I just need to get over my own hurt feelings, I am still confused myself at the moment over what happened.

Edited June 29, 2013 by kiwildr

[HeavenOrHell]

Webcams and photos can't show whether two people have chemistry or not though.

[HeavenOrHell]

No-one can realistically agree to be in a r/ship before they meet.

 

No-one knows whether there will be chemistry until they meet.

 

 

 

From a fellow kiwi to another kiwi, I am so proud of you doll especially

of what you went through, not all LDR are created equal and its okay

for us as human beings to endure what we went through mentally only to find out

that we didn't click physically or how shall I say it, not what the other person expected

of us to become from the photos of you that was suppose to tell them a thousand words.

 

I'm really sad for you because it took you so much of an effort

to not only travel so far to meet him only to be of a physical or persona disappointment to him? I don't get people for that especially if they agreed to be in a LDR with you?Thats crazy!!

 

It kinda makes me wonder, if this guy was for real about your LDR and that of you both communicating via email and web cam meant nothing to him? Ijs.

 

But I loved it how it was back in the old days in the battles

of the World War and how the single women wrote to the young single

soldiers without having to meet in person only of the photo they had,

but of what they wrote to eachother was meaningful and became deep, so deep that people can fall in love over time aswell over letter written words of which from then will give them a ray of positive hope that there will be a possible future with this person and that when they will finally get to meet face to face, they'll be falling in love all over again.

 

But I guess not only people have changed their way of thinking about how love

should happen but aswell the era of time of how love should be accepted with an open heart and mind. Jmo though:)

[kiwildr]

This is true HOH and I guess this is the one part that I wasn't prepared for enough...this is something everyone should be ready for when you meet for the first time in an online LDR even though there may not be any indicators what so ever beforehand and you may have even discussed it.

 

It has made me feel like a complete idiot .... again I was not looking for a knight in shining armour and he was not perfect physically either but I loved his personality and his quirks,it is easy to for people to fall instantly in love straight away and also to fall out of love, so I am not completely hung up on the physical maybe I am in the minority on that, yes there has to be some physical attraction to, but there is a lot more to someone than this.

 

It's strange as you might connect online on what feels like a good emotional level and then in person - something doesn't click for one of you.

Edited June 29, 2013 by kiwildr

[LittleTiger]

Give me back the old days and old values ...I still don't get any of it I was completely 100% honest and the photos and everything about me was how I am.

 

Thanks TK123 & LT I know you are both right in what you are saying to...I think I just need to get over my own hurt feelings, I am still confused myself at the moment over what happened.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling confused kiwildr, but from an outsiders perspective, what happened is crystal clear.

 

You met online and developed a strong friendship and emotional bond. I don't remember if you talked on Skype at all but, from photographs, he didn't find you unattractive. You both built up expectations of a big romance taking off as soon as you met IRL.

 

You met IRL and, although you were physically attracted to him, he didn't feel the same about you. Although he may have liked how you look, there is a lot more to sexual chemistry than just looks. I'm a big believer in pheromones - if your pheromones don't match, it doesn't matter how much you like someone or how good looking they are. It sucks, but that's life!

 

Just because the physical chemistry wasn't there doesn't change the friendship or the emotional connection though - you still got along well and enjoyed each other's company while you were together.

 

You brought up the 'romance' issue and he probably felt bad that he didn't reciprocate your feelings so you ended up having sex (most guys won't turn it down if it's offered) and that obviously confused things further.

 

You went your separate ways and, as far as he's concerned, the friendship and emotional connection is still there - so he wants to stay in touch.

 

Very simple.

 

You can now choose if you want his friendship or not.

[kiwildr]

Thanks it's much easier looking from the outside in ,not so easy when you are the person and your feelings are involved you don't see things so clearly. I know everything everyone has said is true I think for me this is just now a healing process, as it sure does give you a blow to your self confidence and I wouldn't be human if I didn't think was there something I did wrong.

[MiaLovesDave]

No-one can realistically agree to be in a r/ship before they meet.

 

No-one knows whether there will be chemistry until they meet.

 

You'll be amazed that it does happen reallistically!

[HeavenOrHell]

Well, for some people when they meet things do work out in real life, things worked out for me, but it doesn't work out for everybody. Nobody knows for sure that they will click in the same way when they meet. The OP thought things would work out but they didn't, which is my point.

 

 

You'll be amazed that it does happen reallistically!

[LittleTiger]

You'll be amazed that it does happen reallistically!

 

Actually it doesn't. What happens is that people think they have fallen in love and started a relationship online. When they meet and it all works out, they tell themselves it all started before they met.

 

BUT - reality is just that - reality!

 

This is a definition of 'real': Adjective

• Actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed: "Julius Caesar was a real person".
  

This is a definition of 'reality': Noun

• The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them: "he refuses to face reality".
  
• A thing that is actually experienced or seen, esp. when this is grim or problematic: "the harsh realities of life".
  

An online relationship may be a relationship of sorts but it's not a physical relationship and it's definitely not based on reality. The other person may be 100% honest with you, but your brain will still embellish what's happening and fill in the unknowns.

I'm not down-playing anyone's experience here because I fully understand how easy it is to feel as though you are in love with someone you've never met. My guy and I were very emotionally attached before meeting but we always accepted the reality that the physical chemistry might not be there and, one or both of us, might have to accept friendship as a consolation prize.

 

Even if your 'online beloved' turns out to be everything you had expected in terms of look and personality, the reality of a romantic relationship involves physical chemistry and there is absolutely no way of gauging that until you are face to face with someone in the flesh.

 

kwiwldr, I can't emphasise strongly enough that you did absolutely nothing wrong. There was and is nothing you can do to force sexual chemistry where it doesn't exist. I'm so sorry you feel responsible for something you can't change. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to work on boosting your self-esteem so that, if something like this happens again, it won't knock you down so badly.

Edited June 30, 2013 by LittleTiger

[Tk123]

Thanks it's much easier looking from the outside in ,not so easy when you are the person and your feelings are involved you don't see things so clearly. I know everything everyone has said is true I think for me this is just now a healing process, as it sure does give you a blow to your self confidence and I wouldn't be human if I didn't think was there something I did wrong.

 

I know numerous people have told you this, but let me remind you: You did absolutely nothing wrong! Sometimes things don't work out kiwi. Feelings and emotions get in the way of everyone, especially when it comes to relationships. We're all human, and a lot of the time we like to blame ourselves for things that come up in our lives.

 

Keep that head up! Don't lose your confidence. Look at people and smile at them as you pass, you'd be surprised how much better you will feel, even if you only try it once everyday. I know it may be hard to smile especially with everything going on, but just try kiwi and I promise you the healing process will get better!