Why can't I just re-engage - having a week apart after years of on and off issues

[Decisiontomake]

Hi all

 

Been lurking, but not posting for a while. Continue to try and make sense of what is going on in my marriage. For those of you that have not seen previous posts, here's a synopsis: Met my husband when I was 17, he was 28. Been together 22 years. Two kids: 18 and 15. Issues are fundamentally from me feeling like he is not a partner in our marriage, and that I (as the more driven one), always have the weight and responsibility squarely on my shoulders.

 

I could not ask for a more loving husband -he is openly affectionate all the time, and that is a lovely side of him. But, I am just so discontented - that's the best word I can use, as unhappy just doesn't sound right.

 

After our latest cycle of discussing whether or not we should stay together, I have checked into a hotel for a week - we talked about it really calmly, even holding hands as we walked back to the car afterwards, but nonetheless I've packed up to stay away with no contact for a week. I know a week isn't a long time, but we're trying to break the cycle somehow - or as he would put it "get me to check back in".

 

I've felt like a walk-away spouse on more than one occasion, although never done it. Years of built up resentment on what I don't believe he brings to the table lead me to the brink, and then we kind of fall back into apathy.

 

I'm scared of all directions at the moment. I want my marriage to work in that it's the best option for all involved, but my head tells me we're going to continue going round and round and round. My first post on here was back in 2008! And we'd been having on and off issues with my discontentment before then.

 

I either need to re-engage or disengage - I can't stand this limbo.

[cozycottagelg]

I am in a very similar situation and find myself stuck.

 

I think my biggest worry is that my husband is a good guy, and I wish it could be amicable when we split, but it will not be. It will crush him. I don't know if that is what's going on in your mind at all?

 

My children are also much younger. 6 and 2.

 

I struggle with, "is not being IN love a good enough reason to leave" .. that is my every single day.

 

I feel like I need to seperate to see if I'd miss him. Though in hindsight I should have done that last summer, instead of waiting and wasting this entire year of my life with neither of us being/feeling fulfilled in any intimate/romantic way. I say that more for his benefit as I am pretty numb to most emotions.

 

Can you leave, find a place to stay for say, a month? Maybe you'd miss him? Maybe you wouldn't...but maybe you could speak to him with more clarity after a break?

 

I really have no "good" advice because I feel the same way.

[Decisiontomake]

Thanks for your response - I feel the same way as you do, so yes our thoughts are similar right now. I'll stay in the hotel through to Saturday, and then a friend goes on vacation for two weeks, so I could stay at her house for that period if I needed to. Must say, I've missed him this morning already though - as I would always call him on the way to work, and we would usually text a lot during the day. It's taking all my willpower not to send him a little text. It's not fun.