Attracted To Dysfunction

[VintageWallFlower]

So...the title says it all. This may be a bit long, but I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable enough to discuss this with..so here it goes.....I've been single for 2.5 years since my last relationship ended. I've been doing a lot of soul searching. This isn't a woe is me post, nor am I trying to paint myself as a victim; I would just like some advice or maybe stories from people who have been in similar situations.

 

I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family with emotionally unavailable parents that did the best they could, but as a result I have found myself to be "immune" to toxic relationships/toxic men, and a magnet to men with narcissistic tendencies. It is so bad that I have wondered if I suffer from Aspergers. I can read emotional cues, but sometimes I just don't know. Prior to my soul searching phase, I paid no heed to red flags.

 

Why do I continually chose to be with men that really don't give a rat's a$$ about me? My last ex and I were together for 2 years, and there was this subtle undertone that he just wasn't into me. I don't know how to explain it, but I just had this nagging feeling he was just there because I met all of his needs regardless of him putting in any effort what so ever. He never admitted it, but he did slip up and say for the last 6 months of our relationship he was "waiting for me to change"(never mentioned this during the relationship ) and I didn't, so that is why he ended things.

 

The men that I am physically attracted to are....toxic. I've worked really hard in the past two years on boundaries, red flags to pay attention to, being assertive, expressing feelings, etc...I have really grown in this regard and I have ended dating situations that I feel in the past I wouldn't have, but I can't turn off my physical attraction to toxic men. WTF is up with this???? Should I date men that I am not initially attracted to? I am so confused sometimes because I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence that all of my exes were toxic, or that I am truly just attracted to toxic men due to my upbringing....Any help is appreciated

[salparadise]

I have really grown in this regard and I have ended dating situations that I feel in the past I wouldn't have, but I can't turn off my physical attraction to toxic men. WTF is up with this???? Should I date men that I am not initially attracted to? I am so confused sometimes because I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence that all of my exes were toxic, or that I am truly just attracted to toxic men due to my upbringing....Any help is appreciated

 

I think certain types of dysfunctional personalities are magnets for each other. I don't think it coincidence if all of your exes are toxic, and combined with your assertion that you're only physically attracted to toxic men... well, I'd call that a definite pattern. Wouldn't you?

 

The good thing is that you recognize it, which is the first step in doing something about it. I'm not going into a spiel, but it has to do with beliefs about yourself. I've seen enough first hand to have a tactile sense of how it manifests. The way to escape it is to take some time out for now and focus on you... in therapy (with a really good therapist). In the process of healing yourself you'll adjust what you're attracted to and develop understanding and appreciation for healthy people and healthy relationships. Good luck to you, sincerely!

[VintageWallFlower]

Thank you for your response. I totally agree with you as well, I used to be a submissive doormat, scared to express my needs and feelings(growing up I was abused for doing so) and this carried over into adulthood. The weird part is I'm not mentally attracted to these men, I knew the way these men treated me was off, but I would literally freeze when I should have expressed my feelings and bondaries. I was scared I couldn't do any better. It started off as a physical attraction, as most dating situations do, but growing up in dysfunction has, I feel, made me immune to it where most people would be like ummmm no thanks lol.

 

I would do anything to be in a healthy relationship, but I trust too easily and I'm easily manipulated. I'm not sure if the dynamics I grew up in manifest in ways I don't realize, like body language and I am subconsciously attracted, or it's not necessarily the "attraction", but just not knowing when I am in a toxic situation:eek:

 

I'm definitely going to get some counseling. Even just doing work by myself, I am becoming a healthier, more whole person, but I just can't get over how attracted I was to my exes(physically). You know that "hot chick" that everyone wishes they could date? That's what I'm referring to.

 

I don't know if I am overanlyzing , but the more I read about psychology and the subconscious, I become more disturbed and intrigued at the same time.

[DylanT]

I'd suggest spending some time by yourself, along with getting some help to get over this and trying to get as many examples of what a healthy relationship should be like in your head to realize what you truly want, need and deserve (and making sure they all match up).

 

Life will give you crap sometimes. You have to deal with it, or it deals with you.

For a long time, it has been dealing with you it seems. Ready to make the changes you want to make?

[VintageWallFlower]

I'd suggest spending some time by yourself, along with getting some help to get over this and trying to get as many examples of what a healthy relationship should be like in your head to realize what you truly want, need and deserve (and making sure they all match up).

 

Life will give you crap sometimes. You have to deal with it, or it deals with you.

For a long time, it has been dealing with you it seems. Ready to make the changes you want to make?

 

Thank you for your response. I've become more mindful, have started working out again and meditating, and have even limited contact and set boundaries with my old toxic friends and family members. I've been doing an online CBT self help as well as reading as many books as possible and it has helped immensely. I didn't feel comfortable going to therapy before, but now I know it is essential to break the cycle and have meaningful relationships. I'm starting school back full time in the fall, and I hope to implement my new mindset.

[salparadise]

Thank you for your response. I totally agree with you as well, I used to be a submissive doormat, scared to express my needs and feelings(growing up I was abused for doing so) and this carried over into adulthood. The weird part is I'm not mentally attracted to these men, I knew the way these men treated me was off, but I would literally freeze when I should have expressed my feelings and bondaries. I was scared I couldn't do any better. It started off as a physical attraction, as most dating situations do, but growing up in dysfunction has, I feel, made me immune to it where most people would be like ummmm no thanks lol.

 

I would do anything to be in a healthy relationship, but I trust too easily and I'm easily manipulated. I'm not sure if the dynamics I grew up in manifest in ways I don't realize, like body language and I am subconsciously attracted, or it's not necessarily the "attraction", but just not knowing when I am in a toxic situation:eek:

 

I'm definitely going to get some counseling. Even just doing work by myself, I am becoming a healthier, more whole person, but I just can't get over how attracted I was to my exes(physically). You know that "hot chick" that everyone wishes they could date? That's what I'm referring to.

 

I don't know if I am overanlyzing , but the more I read about psychology and the subconscious, I become more disturbed and intrigued at the same time.

 

You're realizing a lot of important stuff on your own. You'll do well in therapy. But do seek a recommendation for a licensed clinical psychologist (LCP) as opposed to someone with less qualification. Therapy and counseling are not the same, although they are mistakenly used as synonyms at times.

 

The experience you had as a child––not being allowed to express needs and feelings––is not uncommon, and it is damaging. You basically grown up feeling that you don't deserve to have your needs met, and you never learn how to ask, and it's not even something you'd consider within the ream of possibilities. So you attach to people who treat you the way you've come to expect to be treated. You send out subliminal signals and they have the radar to pick them up since they basically have the inverse of your problem... a pathological sense of entitlement and no boundaries.

 

Don't delay on getting into see a good therapist. I'm not sure if reading about process would be harmful or not, but perhaps better to let your therapist guide you on that. Identifying an issue does not cure it, so I'd say just focus on the self improvement rather than reading too much theory at this time.