What to believe?

[MissMiss707]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this site, and never before went on any forums for advice, but new feels that I really need some advices, to understand some things, about my husband. Thinks like he needs space again, after only 4 months living together, and previously being separated for 6 months. Things like he needs ” me time”, what's that mean?

[GuyInLimbo]

If you've only been together for 4 months, I'd say that means you need to make other plans, as this doesn't exactly bode well for your relationship. He either doesn't want to be with you, is immature, and/or there's someone else on the side.

 

Could use a lot more details here from you, though.

[coaches24]

I don't think I could form a good opinion without more information.

 

If you are the clingy type then it might mean he feels smothered and needs you to back off a little.

[TaraMaiden]

How old are you both?

How long have you been together?

How long have you been married?

Children?

 

Based solely and entirely on what you have simply posted here, I would 'simply' tell him:

 

"OK, you leave now, for your 'me time' and I'm out of this marriage for good - which will give you all the 'me time' you'll ever want."

 

But really, we need more.

[MissMiss707]

If you've only been together for 4 months, I'd say that means you need to make other plans, as this doesn't exactly bode well for your relationship. He either doesn't want to be with you, is immature, and/or there's someone else on the side.

 

Could use a lot more details here from you, though.

 

We've been married for 3 years now, and all was great for year and a half, then things kinda start changing, he started talking with his ex again, start hiding his phone, put a password to his phone and computer. It happened that I saw they were texting and he stated that they are just friends, when I asked if I can meet her, no hurt feelings in that, if they just friends, he said it is not a good idea. Then time passed, after 2 years he got promoted at his job, and had to move to a different city, that is when we had to separate because I could not leave my job at that moment, and also he said it is better for us us to stay appart a while, so he can clear his mind. During this time appart we barely talked, because he said it is double edge sword, when people separate they should not keep in touch. I respected his choice, and let him clear his mind.

My job was over 5 months ago, because I started school, plus was a seasonal job, and he asked me if I would move with him in this new city where he is working now, I accepted, and was a little weird at the beginning. He already met new people, made some friends here, while I am still new. He is going out after work every other night, to unwind from stress and long hours shifts. I am neverr invited, because he said those are his spots.

And now few weeks ago, he asked for space, and me time. The other thing is that we did not have been connected romanticaly since the separation of 6 months happened. I asked straight is there is any other woman in his life, and he denied. He says he loves me and always will, just we are two different people, and might not be made one for each other, and it is complicated. When I asked if he wants to be with me, he said he does not kknow for now, just let's work on space for now. Also that I am perfect, and all this is not my fault, and I deserve something better.

He knows I love him, and I will support him in everything he does, and goes around the bushes with words, just hints, to understand something, but I still don't.

[ver13]

How old are you both?

How long have you been together?

How long have you been married?

Children?

 

Based solely and entirely on what you have simply posted here, I would 'simply' tell him:

 

"OK, you leave now, for your 'me time' and I'm out of this marriage for good - which will give you all the 'me time' you'll ever want."

 

But really, we need more.

 

Listen to this ^^^^^^^^^^ it's sound advice. All that you have related here so far leaves very little to go on in the way of advice. What was he like before the 6 mo. separation etc...

[MissMiss707]

How old are you both?

How long have you been together?

How long have you been married?

Children?

 

Based solely and entirely on what you have simply posted here, I would 'simply' tell him:

 

"OK, you leave now, for your 'me time' and I'm out of this marriage for good - which will give you all the 'me time' you'll ever want."

 

But really, we need more.

 

I am 30 and he is 34, we've been married for 3 years, but together for 4 years. We do not have kids, they were in the picture only in the beginnig, not anymore, he does not want to.

He keeps saying that all this is not my fault, it is him who wants to do things that when he gets old will not regret he has not done.

[ver13]

Based off what I just read about your R there seems to be some serious choices that both of you have to make. There are no such things as "my spots" unless you own them and since your M half of them belong to you. That being said do you really want to see what's going on? If so just go there sometime when he get's off work and introduce yourself to his new friends. Maybe you'll find the reason he wants his "me time" thing there also. What do you think is right for you right now. Never mind what he wants what do you want.

[MissMiss707]

Listen to this ^^^^^^^^^^ it's sound advice. All that you have related here so far leaves very little to go on in the way of advice. What was he like before the 6 mo. separation etc...

 

Before separation he was loving and carrying, he had moments when would drink, and then cry that I am the best thing happened to him, and he is afraid to lose me one day because of who he is. We used to have always guest in our house, lots of friends over, then he start going more and more often out by himself, to unwind.

[TaraMaiden]

We've been married for 3 years now, and all was great for year and a half, then things kinda start changing, he started talking with his ex again, start hiding his phone, put a password to his phone and computer. It happened that I saw they were texting and he stated that they are just friends, when I asked if I can meet her, no hurt feelings in that, if they just friends, he said it is not a good idea. Then time passed, after 2 years he got promoted at his job, and had to move to a different city, that is when we had to separate because I could not leave my job at that moment, and also he said it is better for us us to stay appart a while, so he can clear his mind. During this time appart we barely talked, because he said it is double edge sword, when people separate they should not keep in touch. I respected his choice, and let him clear his mind.

My job was over 5 months ago, because I started school, plus was a seasonal job, and he asked me if I would move with him in this new city where he is working now, I accepted, and was a little weird at the beginning. He already met new people, made some friends here, while I am still new. He is going out after work every other night, to unwind from stress and long hours shifts. I am neverr invited, because he said those are his spots.

And now few weeks ago, he asked for space, and me time. The other thing is that we did not have been connected romanticaly since the separation of 6 months happened. I asked straight is there is any other woman in his life, and he denied. He says he loves me and always will, just we are two different people, and might not be made one for each other, and it is complicated. When I asked if he wants to be with me, he said he does not kknow for now, just let's work on space for now. Also that I am perfect, and all this is not my fault, and I deserve something better.

He knows I love him, and I will support him in everything he does, and goes around the bushes with words, just hints, to understand something, but I still don't.

 

Holy crap I have no words....I'm stunned....

 

What the hell are you thinking, putting up with this??

He's dumping you - but he wants you to take the initiative and file for divorce... he's using the coward's way out and making feeble excuses....

 

Tell him, if you deserve someone better, and doesn't think you're not made for each other, and that it's not your fault - then file for divorce! Be a man! Grow a pair and do the right thing!!

 

As things stand, he is walking all over you, wiping his big, steel toe-cap rugged muddy boots on you and treating you like crap!!

 

HE'S MARRIED TO YOU, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

 

What the hell does he think he's playing at?!

he has you exactly where he wants you!

I would bet a pound to a pinch of sand he is definitely still seeing his ex, and having an affair.

Demand to see his phone.

I promise you, he will object and refuse.

 

jeesh woman - Kick this loser to the kerb!!

He doesn't love you.

He may have feelings for you, but he's not IN love with you, and is too much of a spineless jerk to do the right thing!

[MissMiss707]

Based off what I just read about your R there seems to be some serious choices that both of you have to make. There are no such things as "my spots" unless you own them and since your M half of them belong to you. That being said do you really want to see what's going on? If so just go there sometime when he get's off work and introduce yourself to his new friends. Maybe you'll find the reason he wants his "me time" thing there also. What do you think is right for you right now. Never mind what he wants what do you want.

 

During the separation I went counseling, to understand more about the situation, counselor helped me understand what I want, and I told my husband, that I want to work on any issues we have, but all he said is that time will tell, and he does not need counseling on this matter. I want to be with him, but he said he does not know that.

[ver13]

During the separation I went counseling, to understand more about the situation, counselor helped me understand what I want, and I told my husband, that I want to work on any issues we have, but all he said is that time will tell, and he does not need counseling on this matter. I want to be with him, but he said he does not know that.

 

Well there it is in a nut shell now it's time to crack it open and move on with your life. He has already told you how far he is willing to go from no kids to no counseling. Your wasting valuable time trying to fix something that takes two people to mend when only one wants to work on it. So stop trying to fix him and focus on fixing you. Let him go do his thing and you go do yours the end looks like it is already right in front of you. Now start a new beginning in which you are center stage instead of him. You deserve better then this period.

[MissMiss707]

It means he is having an affair.

 

Then why not to be honest about it? Hurts more, guessing then face the truth! We are not teenagers to play with feelings anymore, I love you but I do not know, and bla bla bla... What he wants to achieve with this hot/cold game then?

[ver13]

Then why not to be honest about it? Hurts more, guessing then face the truth! We are not teenagers to play with feelings anymore, I love you but I do not know, and bla bla bla... What he wants to achieve with this hot/cold game then?

 

He wants to achieve exactly what's happening right now you sitting here posting and hanging on his every little twisted deed. This keeps you in the game woman doing whatever it takes to keep him engaged in the M. Right now he has the best of both worlds two women at the same time both of them doing exactly what he wants because it's all about him. You might want to consider changing the dynamic a little by letting him go. Get yourself together and stop talking to him unless it's about the upcoming D. Find yourself some place else to live and don't tell him where it's at. Go underground from this man until the D is finalized.

[MissMiss707]

Holy crap I have no words....I'm stunned....

 

What the hell are you thinking, putting up with this??

He's dumping you - but he wants you to take the initiative and file for divorce... he's using the coward's way out and making feeble excuses....

 

Tell him, if you deserve someone better, and doesn't think you're not made for each other, and that it's not your fault - then file for divorce! Be a man! Grow a pair and do the right thing!!

 

As things stand, he is walking all over you, wiping his big, steel toe-cap rugged muddy boots on you and treating you like crap!!

 

HE'S MARRIED TO YOU, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

 

What the hell does he think he's playing at?!

he has you exactly where he wants you!

I would bet a pound to a pinch of sand he is definitely still seeing his ex, and having an affair.

Demand to see his phone.

I promise you, he will object and refuse.

 

jeesh woman - Kick this loser to the kerb!!

He doesn't love you.

He may have feelings for you, but he's not IN love with you, and is too much of a spineless jerk to do the right thing!

 

It is not easy to just stop loving somebody, after I had the best times of my life with him.

In the beginning I was making lot more money then him, and that was the period when we were happy, then after he got promoted, after few months, right before separation, he said he lost the joy of marriage, and that was a reason to separate and reevaluate the feelings. I guess, I should not let that happen?

[GuyInLimbo]

MissMiss, you are being played like a fiddle (and you're allowing him to). He's simply biding his time until a) he gets the balls to end the relationship or b) he pushes you to end it first. There's no middle ground. He's biding his time. He's already emotionally divorced you. It's over.

[MissMiss707]

He wants to achieve exactly what's happening right now you sitting here posting and hanging on his every little twisted deed. This keeps you in the game woman doing whatever it takes to keep him engaged in the M. Right now he has the best of both worlds two women at the same time both of them doing exactly what he wants because it's all about him. You might want to consider changing the dynamic a little by letting him go. Get yourself together and stop talking to him unless it's about the upcoming D. Find yourself some place else to live and don't tell him where it's at. Go underground from this man until the D is finalized.

 

 

Then I will give him space he wants, now the school is done for a liitle bit, I could use a vacation for couple weeks, out of the town, then see what happpens.

[MissMiss707]

MissMiss, you are being played like a fiddle (and you're allowing him to). He's simply biding his time until a) he gets the balls to end the relationship or b) he pushes you to end it first. There's no middle ground. He's biding his time. He's already emotionally divorced you. It's over.

 

While we were separated, on Valentines day he sent me 2 dozens of roses, and a card that said :" times are tought, but know you always will have a special place in my heart, and I hope all this works out in the long run... " And that melted my heart and I was agree to move with him in this new city, knowing I have nobody here as friends, beside him.

[GuyInLimbo]

While we were separated, on Valentines day he sent me 2 dozens of roses, and a card that said :" times are tought, but know you always will have a special place in my heart, and I hope all this works out in the long run... " And that melted my heart and I was agree to move with him in this new city, knowing I have nobody here as friends, beside him.

 

You're going to hold on to THAT despite all of the other things he's said and is doing? C'mon. Time to wake up. There's a reason you posted here. Deep down, you know.

[TaraMaiden]

It is not easy to just stop loving somebody, after I had the best times of my life with him.

Nowhere has anyone told you, or advised you to stop loving him. I know this is going to hurt. I know you feel the loss. I know it's a harsh and painful thing to face. But love him or not, he's being terribly abusive of your good nature, and you deserve the same kind of love back. And no way are you getting it.

Don't you want that?

 

In the beginning I was making lot more money then him, and that was the period when we were happy, then after he got promoted, after few months, right before separation, he said he lost the joy of marriage, and that was a reason to separate and reevaluate the feelings. I guess, I should not let that happen?

You can't help what he feels - or doesn't feel.

I suspect he's still hankering after his ex, the coincidence is just too much to dismiss. But no, you absolutely should NOT tolerate his behaviour, he has no right to expect it, demand it, or take it that you will accept all this without so much as a murmur....

 

Then I will give him space he wants, now the school is done for a liitle bit, I could use a vacation for couple weeks, out of the town, then see what happpens.

Go complete and total no Contact.

Do not ring him, message him, text him or write to him.

Fall off his radar completely. Go whole-hog incommunicado.

And if he tries to contact you, in any way at all - even smoke signals or tom-toms.... block, delete deny.

He wants this. This is what he's telling you is coming.

Well, let him have it.

With both barrels.

 

While we were separated, on Valentines day he sent me 2 dozens of roses, and a card that said :" times are tought, but know you always will have a special place in my heart, and I hope all this works out in the long run... " And that melted my heart and I was agree to move with him in this new city, knowing I have nobody here as friends, beside him.

 

Oh please....! That's the biggest dump-you line on the planet!!

 

Since when does a loving husband tell his wife "You will always have a special place in my heart"...?!

 

Give me a break!!

 

You are supposed to be the sole and continued occupant! 'place' nothing - his heart should be all yours!

 

"I hope this all works out in the long run"...??

Yeah - to his liking and advantage!!The lily-livered, yellow-bellied spineless coward!

So is this what he's hoping to work out then?

 

Ending the marriage, 'good luck sweetheart, i don't deserve you, find someone who does'....?

 

You do realise he's already left this marriage, don't you...?

[MissMiss707]

You're going to hold on to THAT despite all of the other things he's said and is doing? C'mon. Time to wake up. There's a reason you posted here. Deep down, you know.

 

You are right, I do feel that is over on his side, it is just hard to believe and accept that all this is happening. Should I ignore evrything nice he said, that I hold a special place in his heart and he loves me, but it is just complicated?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

I'm sure he meant it.

But it's as definite a "I'm ending this" as you're ever going to get from him.

 

Send him a text:

Tell him if he considers this relationship over, you expect him to be a man and act like one, and file for divorce, because you don't intend to do it for him. That would be letting him off the hook too easily.

 

here, give me your phone - I'LL do it.

 

Because you need to do it.

 

Put him on the spot.

Make him man up and grow a pair.

[GuyInLimbo]

You are right, I do feel that is over on his side, it is just hard to believe and accept that all this is happening. Should I ignore evrything nice he said, that I hold a special place in his heart and he loves me, but it is just complicated?

 

Here's the breakdown:

 

1) He, once in a while, SAYS nice things.

2) In your short time together, you've been separated twice.

3) He doesn't want you hanging out at "his" spots (are you sure he isn't 5?).

4) You've barely been together in a total of 4 years. Sort of hard to believe THAT is the best times of your life.

5) He was back in contact with his ex, HIDING things from you.

6) You don't have sex anymore.

7) He "needs space."

8) He goes out every night WITHOUT you because he's "stressed." Uh, right...

9) Despite being MARRIED he thinks you shouldn't have any CONTACT while separated!?

 

What is anyone's logical conclusion here? Again, I'm just pointing out what should be obvious here. You may love the idea of him, but there's not much love, ever, in this relationship. He treats you, and has treated you, like sh*t for most of your relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

Time to start planning, MissMiss707.....

 

Don't you think it's time you got some of your power back?

[MissMiss707]

Here's the breakdown:

 

1) He, once in a while, SAYS nice things.

2) In your short time together, you've been separated twice.

3) He doesn't want you hanging out at "his" spots (are you sure he isn't 5?).

4) You've barely been together in a total of 4 years. Sort of hard to believe THAT is the best times of your life.

5) He was back in contact with his ex, HIDING things from you.

6) You don't have sex anymore.

7) He "needs space."

8) He goes out every night WITHOUT you because he's "stressed." Uh, right...

9) Despite being MARRIED he thinks you shouldn't have any CONTACT while separated!?

 

What is anyone's logical conclusion here? Again, I'm just pointing out what should be obvious here. You may love the idea of him, but there's not much love, ever, in this relationship. He treats you, and has treated you, like sh*t for most of your relationship.

 

I tried many times to have a open conversation with him, but he said he is not very good at it, and makes me feel like I don't understand him anymore. How can I make him talk honestly about it? What long run he means? Separate ways? I assume. Or, after he is done having fun by himself, he expects that will walk back, and start over?

He is defensive about everything I try to talk.