What to believe?

[TaraMaiden]

That's because he doesn't want to talk. he's clamming you up, and closing the discussion.

This isn't UP for discussion, in his mind.

he's made his decision.

 

I'm sorry hun:

 

This is a no brainer.

 

He's checked out, and is too much of a coward to tell you to your face.

 

Just text him:

 

"As you seem to be of the opinion that this marriage is over with, I expect you to file for divorce. I await papers.

I shall at my end, then consult a lawyer. Thanks."

[MissMiss707]

Time to start planning, MissMiss707.....

 

Don't you think it's time you got some of your power back?

 

You are right, it is to obvious when you breaking all the situation down, and planning on leaving him, before he does it in a way, that our friends will think that I was the bad one here, and that is why he left me. I am just by nature forgiving person, and thought that first years of marriage might not be easy, but I believed I will be happily married like my parents and grandparents. Also, maybe different religion beliefs play a role too, me being greek orthodox and him being a mormon. But never wanted to point this out.

[TaraMaiden]

I think that should read 'Moron'....

 

He's honestly just behaving despicably.

I think you have every right to let a close mutual friend know how he's behaving. At least if he begins spreading lies about YOU checking out of the relationship, they can back you up and set the record straight.....

 

But in any case, send that text.

Put the ball in his court.

[GuyInLimbo]

You are right, it is to obvious when you breaking all the situation down, and planning on leaving him, before he does it in a way, that our friends will think that I was the bad one here, and that is why he left me. I am just by nature forgiving person, and thought that first years of marriage might not be easy, but I believed I will be happily married like my parents and grandparents. Also, maybe different religion beliefs play a role too, me being greek orthodox and him being a mormon. But never wanted to point this out.

 

Get another thing into your head: Do not give a CRAP what your friends, or anyone else for that matter, think. This is YOUR life and happiness, not theirs.

[MissMiss707]

I think that should read 'Moron'....

 

He's honestly just behaving despicably.

I think you have every right to let a close mutual friend know how he's behaving. At least if he begins spreading lies about YOU checking out of the relationship, they can back you up and set the record straight.....

 

But in any case, send that text.

Put the ball in his court.

 

Yes, he is talking on my back most likely, lots of friends that we used to hang out, stoped visiting us, distanced themselves kinda.

 

The text is very straight forward, I will send it to him, hope that I will get straight answer too.

[MissMiss707]

Get another thing into your head: Do not give a CRAP what your friends, or anyone else for that matter, think. This is YOUR life and happiness, not theirs.

 

You are right, it is my life, friends have their own life.

[TaraMaiden]

Go No Contact.

 

I know it may seem bizarre, but look upon this as the termination of a business contract.

Given your different religious backgrounds, I don't know what kind of a ceremony you had, but if it was a 'church wedding' note that the church cannot dissolve your marriage.

Only the Law can.

So it's not so odd, likening this to a business contract....

 

Do not respond to any messages which have nothing whatsoever to do with the dissolution of this liaison.

 

if he tries to press your guilt buttons or yank your chain using emotional blackmail, do not respond to this.

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and he will be extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about him, to interfere with what you must Practically do.

Put yourself first.

It's time someone did.

he has steered this completely in his direction, and for his benefit.

So I believe it's time you wrested control back of your life, and decided to be happy, for you.

[MissMiss707]

Go No Contact.

 

I know it may seem bizarre, but look upon this as the termination of a business contract.

Given your different religious backgrounds, I don't know what kind of a ceremony you had, but if it was a 'church wedding' note that the church cannot dissolve your marriage.

Only the Law can.

So it's not so odd, likening this to a business contract....

 

Do not respond to any messages which have nothing whatsoever to do with the dissolution of this liaison.

 

if he tries to press your guilt buttons or yank your chain using emotional blackmail, do not respond to this.

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and he will be extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about him, to interfere with what you must Practically do.

Put yourself first.

It's time someone did.

he has steered this completely in his direction, and for his benefit.

So I believe it's time you wrested control back of your life, and decided to be happy, for you.

 

 

I really like what you said, that I should not allow my heart to lead my head.

We did not have a chruch wedding, just civil one, court house, then rent a restaurant after for rest of it.

Now feels like all it was a sweet beautiful lie, and just to wake it iis scarying.

[ver13]

Then I will give him space he wants, now the school is done for a liitle bit, I could use a vacation for couple weeks, out of the town, then see what happpens.

 

His space is not your concern anymore it's your time to shine lady. This time is all about you since he is not able to do the right thing you need to protect yourself. You will be alright just do your thing minus the excess baggage.

[MissMiss707]

His space is not your concern anymore it's your time to shine lady. This time is all about you since he is not able to do the right thing you need to protect yourself. You will be alright just do your thing minus the excess baggage.

 

So bassicaly he wants me to be first who starts the conversation, about divorce? And to look like I want it? Then here, he is not a real man to have enough courage to tell me looking in my eyes. He pushes me to the edge with his behaviour and hints only. Right?

[TaraMaiden]

That's exactly what he wants.

 

Send him the following text, PLEASE!!

 

"You seem to be of the opinion that this marriage is over with. Am I correct? if so, it is up to you to file for divorce. I await papers.

I shall at my end, then consult a lawyer.

If not, I expect full commitment and Marriage counselling. The choice is yours. Thanks."

[ver13]

So bassicaly he wants me to be first who starts the conversation, about divorce? And to look like I want it? Then here, he is not a real man to have enough courage to tell me looking in my eyes. He pushes me to the edge with his behaviour and hints only. Right?

 

There it is... He is not capable of acting like a mature adult in this situation otherwise he wouldn't be acting the way that he is. Which is something that you said that you choose not to except, so help him out by being the adult.

 

That's exactly what he wants.

 

Send him the following text, PLEASE!!

 

"You seem to be of the opinion that this marriage is over with. Am I correct? if so, it is up to you to file for divorce. I await papers.

I shall at my end, then consult a lawyer.

If not, I expect full commitment and Marriage counselling. The choice is yours. Thanks."

 

This ^^^^right here say's it all. He's in the game or out you can't live in the middle it will become way to degrading.

[MissMiss707]

That's exactly what he wants.

 

Send him the following text, PLEASE!!

 

"You seem to be of the opinion that this marriage is over with. Am I correct? if so, it is up to you to file for divorce. I await papers.

I shall at my end, then consult a lawyer.

If not, I expect full commitment and Marriage counselling. The choice is yours. Thanks."

 

I did. He's reply: " where all this is coming from? We'll not gonna fix the situation in one day, for now let's work on space thing".

Now what?

[TaraMaiden]

I did. He's reply: " where all this is coming from? We'll not gonna fix the situation in one day, for now let's work on space thing".

Now what?

 

"There is nothing to work on.

You tell me I am not to contact you while we are separated.

You are my husband.

I have every right to be in touch with you, and know you are contactable.

Everything you have told me points to a legal separation.

Either file for divorce or agree to counselling and total transparency.

Bottom line.

All these games end here.

Make your choice."

 

(remember: This is 'business'....)

[TaraMaiden]

Tell him also that you intend to send him an email.

 

Then, compose one telling him all the things you told us in your second, longer post...

 

here are the salient points you mentioned to us:

 

1. He needs space again, after only 4 months living together, and previously being separated for 6 months.
    
    
   
2. He needs ” me time”, what's that mean?
    
    
   
3. We've been married for 3 years now,
    
    
   
4. he started talking with his ex
    
    
   
5. I saw they were texting and he stated that they are just friends, when I asked if I can meet her, no hurt feelings in that, if they just friends, he said it is not a good idea.
    
    
   
6. after 2 years he got promoted at his job, and had to move to a different city, that is when we had to separate because I could not leave my job at that moment,
    
    
   
7. He said it is better for us us to stay apart a while, so he can clear his mind.
    
    
   
8. During this time apart we barely talked, because he said....when people separate they should not keep in touch.
    
   
9. My job was over 5 months ago, ...he asked me if I would move with him in this new city where he is working now, I accepted,
    
   
10. He already met new people, made some friends here, while I am still new. He is going out after work every other night, to unwind from stress and long hours shifts. I am neverr invited, because he said those are his spots.
     
     
    
11. And now few weeks ago, he asked for space, and me time.
     
     
    
12. The other thing is that we did not have been connected romanticaly since the separation of 6 months happened.
     
    
13. I asked straight is there is any other woman in his life, and he denied.
     
    
14. He says ... just we are two different people, and might not be made one for each other, and it is complicated.
     
     
    
15. When I asked if he wants to be with me, he said he does not kknow for now, just let's work on space for now.
     
     
    
16. Also that I am perfect, and all this is not my fault, and I deserve something better.
    

 

Write these in a letter to him.

Make it clear from your PoV that he seems to want everything his way.

You are not prepared to tolerate being side-lined.

Therefore, either he agrees to MC and full transparency and openness - or if this is how he feels, you cannot keep up with his ever changing moods and demands for 'space' and 'me time'.

You're either in a marriage to be together, or he wants out.

 

Lay this at his doorstep.

And oblige him to make a decision.

[2sunny]

I did. He's reply: " where all this is coming from? We'll not gonna fix the situation in one day, for now let's work on space thing".

Now what?

 

Take charge of YOUR LIFE!

 

Stop putting yourself in a position of being at the mercy of what he does or doesn't do.

[MissMiss707]

Tell him also that you intend to send him an email.

 

Then, compose one telling him all the things you told us in your second, longer post...

 

here are the salient points you mentioned to us:

 

 

 

Write these in a letter to him.

Make it clear from your PoV that he seems to want everything his way.

You are not prepared to tolerate being side-lined.

Therefore, either he agrees to MC and full transparency and openness - or if this is how he feels, you cannot keep up with his ever changing moods and demands for 'space' and 'me time'.

You're either in a marriage to be together, or he wants out.

 

Lay this at his doorstep.

And oblige him to make a decision.

 

I will write him an email like this, see what he has to say next.

Thank you so much for all your support, Tara

[TaraMaiden]

I don't want to put words into your mouth - but these are your words. And the situation DOES concern you.

And as his wife, you have every right to be heard, and considered, just as much as he expects you to hear and consider him.

 

This has been one-sided for far too long.

 

From my own personal perspective, I still believe there is a possibility he is hiding something about his ex, or at least, he is not being as solitary in his time alone, as he makes himself out to be....

 

'While the cat's away, the rats can play'....

Frankly, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

 

So really, you need to toughen up and lay the law down.

You've been compliant up to now, but I think he's pushed his luck too far and you've been overly generous with your tolerance.

 

I think it's high time you showed him what you're made of.

[ver13]

The advice that TM has given you on how you might consider approaching his last round of crazy is solid. Send that letter and see where it takes you there is nothing else left for you to do. Don't compromise on anything until he recommits to the M and follows through with some hard work on it. He has to prove to you that the M is something valuable to him just as you say it is to you. No matter what happens you have to maintain your dignity throughout this ordeal. Don't do or agree to anything that will make you feel bad about being you, you have value and he needs to appreciate it.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes you do.

You have great value - and huge worth - and you owe it to yourself to not be so accommodating any more.

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but the main reason he has been behaving like this, is because you've basically given him the liberty to do so.

 

Withdraw that liberty.

BE Fed up. Be Angry.

Be very, very angry.

 

He has been abusing your wonderful, giving, FORgiving and generous nature.

 

No more, MissMiss.

 

Enough's enough.

 

Hope all is still ok...

[GuyInLimbo]

That's exactly what he wants.

 

Send him the following text, PLEASE!!

 

"You seem to be of the opinion that this marriage is over with. Am I correct? if so, it is up to you to file for divorce. I await papers.

I shall at my end, then consult a lawyer.

If not, I expect full commitment and Marriage counselling. The choice is yours. Thanks."

 

Tara is being generous. I wouldn't bother with what I bolded above. I think he's long gone and not interested whatsoever. He's just a coward who's dragging it on. I wouldn't even bother bringing up counseling. Plus, how he's already treated you, I don't see why you'd even want a reconciliation. He's an a**hole.

 

EDIT: And given his response to your text.. Let's work on the space thing?? Is he f'ing serious?? There's your answer right there. It's done. He's dragging you along. Stop it now. I suggest YOU file today and rid your life of this little coward.

Edited June 27, 2013 by GuyInLimbo

[MissMiss707]

Tara is being generous. I wouldn't bother with what I bolded above. I think he's long gone and not interested whatsoever. He's just a coward who's dragging it on. I wouldn't even bother bringing up counseling. Plus, how he's already treated you, I don't see why you'd even want a reconciliation. He's an a**hole.

 

EDIT: And given his response to your text.. Let's work on the space thing?? Is he f'ing serious?? There's your answer right there. It's done. He's dragging you along. Stop it now. I suggest YOU file today and rid your life of this little coward.

 

I did sent him an email with all I had to say to him, and the response was short, that is too early to tell what he wants in the future. You guys are right, there might be some feelings on his side, but rationality it's missing in all he says.

[TaraMaiden]

You see, MissMiss, he's trying to call all the shots now.... he's telling you frankly, that he will run this marriage the way he wants, whatever your objections.

 

Keep all communications.

File for divorce under 'unreasonable behaviour'.

 

Present him with papers.

 

If you have to do it - do it.

[MissMiss707]

I did sent him an email with all I had to say to him, and the response was short, that is too early to tell what he wants in the future. You guys are right, there might be some feelings on his side, but rationality it's missing in all he says.

 

Also, he said it seems we heading to that direction (divorce), but it is early to tell.

I aslo asked, to be honest if he gave up on our marriage, his response was, " not completely, but I am very close". And that is why he is asking now for space to evaluate what he wants.

Looks like 6 months was not enough time for him to do that.

In the name of what I should give him this time and space?

[TaraMaiden]

He's had his fun.

 

Tell him that while he may think he needs more time, you feel he has had more than enough.

 

Ask him: What more time does he need, and why, given his cavalier attitude and negligent behaviour?

If he doesn't send you divorce papers within a week, you will consult a lawyer and file for divorce for Unreasonable Behaviour.