And so it begins: My new 'sort of' LDR.

[lamaga]

Hi guys.

 

So, the guy I have been dating for the last 2 months is leaving in two days. Tomorrow I will see him for the last time (our last night together).

 

We talked about our relationship and feelings and how to proceed.

We are in love but are being taken away from each other on the height of our relationship.

Since we don't know when we will see each other again, we decided to not force a LDR, scared that there are too many expectations, scared that we will feel resentment if it doesn't work... However, we don't just want to 'stay in touch', since we are in love, but try to continue to intensify our relationship and see where it goes, to see if an LDR will be possible with time.

 

I am a bit scared but I think it will be more comfortable once we get a routine... with Skype and all that, we are both positive it will be working out somehow.

The second aspect is... that he told me that he believes that we will see each other in maximum 9 months.

He also applied for a job in my city and that starts in January. I am praying that he'll get it. The chances that he will end up on my side of the world are pretty big, though.

 

So, you guys, do you have experience with this? A LDR that's not really a LDR, but more like.. dating and seeing if it works?

 

Are we being realistic enough?

 

I think we both are pretty scared but optimistic.

Could this work?

What are your tips on making this work?

How can we assure each other, take each others fears, not go crazy over the distance and the uncertainty...?

[clia]

Didn't you say in previous posts that you wanted an LDR with him? So I take it he didn't want an LDR?

 

We are in love but are being taken away from each other on the height of our relationship.

 

Has he told you he loves you?

 

So, you guys, do you have experience with this? A LDR that's not really a LDR, but more like.. dating and seeing if it works?

 

I don't really understand what this means, to be honest. Are you going to not be exclusive with him? Does this mean you both can date others? You are just going to stay in touch with him and see what happens? What are the boundaries?

 

Are we being realistic enough?

 

Are you sure this is what you want? You seemed to want a lot more with him...is this going to make you happy, being long distance "dating" for the next nine (or so) months?

[lamaga]

Didn't you say in previous posts that you wanted an LDR with him? So I take it he didn't want an LDR?

 

Has he told you he loves you?

 

I don't really understand what this means, to be honest. Are you going to not be exclusive with him? Does this mean you both can date others? You are just going to stay in touch with him and see what happens? What are the boundaries?

 

Are you sure this is what you want? You seemed to want a lot more with him...is this going to make you happy, being long distance "dating" for the next nine (or so) months?

 

 

He started talking about LDR and said that he is scared about it. He told me about how his job is awful and that sometimes he has bad moments and is scared that I will turn away when it gets difficult. I told him that I wont and that time will show.

 

We were exclusive until now so we will keep being exclusive. Our feelings are going to be the same.

 

I asked him the same question: Are we going to stay in touch? And he said he doesn't just want to stay in touch. He wants to continue with our relationship the way it has been. But he is scared that it won't work LD because it's something new to him.

I think he is being realistic. I mean, he's never been in an LDR (I have been), so i guess he doesn't know what to expect.

 

Yes we have told each other that we love each other. And it was a very emotional and intense moment. And ever since then it's been even more intense.

 

Of course he has said "What if either of us meet someone else?"

It made me sad to hear that. But isn't that always the case? LDR or normal R.

He says that my optimism is something he would love to have, and he is working on it.

 

And yes, I wanted more out of this, I guess. I wanted to to hear from him "Let's do this". Then again, I've had guys promise me this before and in the end they couldn't keep their promise.

 

I decided that I would like for us to do it this way, yes, because I am just optimistic, is all.

[LittleTiger]

Of course he has said "What if either of us meet someone else?"

 

This is not something that anyone in a committed relationship would say - close or long distance. You are either together or you're not.

 

If he's already worrying about the difficulties of resisting temptation and staying faithful, just because you aren't going to be around, then I think the relationship is doomed.

[Carenth]

Of course he has said "What if either of us meet someone else?"

 

This stuck out at me as well. I can only speak for myself but that is the last thing on my mind. I want to be with my girlfriend, not thinking about some person I haven't met yet.

 

I could of very easily given up and dated girls locally after our last visit which was in November last year. I love my girlfriend very much though and only have eyes for her I can't wait to see her again in August when she comes to visit and I will be moving over to close the gap at the end of the year.

 

Basically if he was committed to the idea, he wouldn't be saying stuff like that. He would be trying his hardest to make it work. To me it already sounds like he is checking out of the relationship if he is thinking about "What if I meet someone else?" which means "I will be looking for someone else" to me at least.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree.

Even when me and my partner have broken up a couple of times he still said he didn't want to be with anyone else and that he wasn't looking for anyone else.

Neither of us have worried about not being able to stay faithful, it's just not an issue.

 

 

This is not something that anyone in a committed relationship would say - close or long distance. You are either together or you're not.

 

If he's already worrying about the difficulties of resisting temptation and staying faithful, just because you aren't going to be around, then I think the relationship is doomed.

[lamaga]

This stuck out at me as well. I can only speak for myself but that is the last thing on my mind. I want to be with my girlfriend, not thinking about some person I haven't met yet.

 

I could of very easily given up and dated girls locally after our last visit which was in November last year. I love my girlfriend very much though and only have eyes for her I can't wait to see her again in August when she comes to visit and I will be moving over to close the gap at the end of the year.

 

Basically if he was committed to the idea, he wouldn't be saying stuff like that. He would be trying his hardest to make it work. To me it already sounds like he is checking out of the relationship if he is thinking about "What if I meet someone else?" which means "I will be looking for someone else" to me at least.

 

 

He's not looking for anybody else. He told me that his love for me is not going away. We just skyped and were both very emotional about saying goodbye. And he told me under tears how much it hurts him to have to hurt me. I told him that he is not hurting me. He said that he feels like the only way he can't hurt me is if he stays. I told him that I know that's not possible. He said that what he feels for me is so strong and that he is trying to protect himself from these feelings for me, otherwise he couldn't function.

That he gets so very emotional that he forgets how to focus on his work.

He said he wants for us to get a routine, skype every day and see how we can make it work.

 

I mean I think I am pretty positive. He also told me today that the possibility of him getting the position in my city is pretty high, since he knows the guy who makes the decisions there.. He stopped crying and told me not to worry and that we both need to be strong.

 

So I feel a bit better now and pretty optimistic... only time will tell.

[Carenth]

All I'm saying is I personally have never been in a committed relationship long distance or not where my partner has said "What if I meet someone else?". To me that suggest he is thinking it will be hard to remain faithful.

 

I could be way off here but I don't think that's really a normal thing for a committed couple to be talking about, right?

[lamaga]

All I'm saying is I personally have never been in a committed relationship long distance or not where my partner has said "What if I meet someone else?". To me that suggest he is thinking it will be hard to remain faithful.

 

I could be way off here but I don't think that's really a normal thing for a committed couple to be talking about, right?

 

 

Mhh could be. I hope he was just stating a fear, he also said it "what if you meet someone else, or what if i do?"

 

but that was only that one time a few days ago, ever since then he has been only positive about what lies ahead of us, so it seems.

 

and about faithfulness... he really is not a casanova. he doesn't go out, he will spent the majority of the next 6 months writing his dissertation, in his apartment. he is a loner who doesn't get lots of game.

so i am not too worried, really, that he will meet someone else who he likes better than me - chances are slim. it's not like he is going to look for it.

[J_L_C]

Hiya!

 

Where do you live currently and where does he live? How did you two meet and how long have you know each other?

[lamaga]

Hiya!

 

Where do you live currently and where does he live? How did you two meet and how long have you know each other?

 

 

We only have known each other for 2 months, yet spent almost all of our time together. He is leaving tomorrow to go back to the States (East Coast), I am in Germany. We met on an online dating service. We don't see each other for 6 months.

[delight]

Ok I started out my relationship with my now husband as an ldr. We met on holiday and we are both kind of intense people so this worked. However I know for a fact that if he wasn't "into me" he would not have bothered with a relationship ..I think from the sounds of this guy he is kind of thinking he's only with you 2 months and maybe he will meet somebody else. My husband never had this attitude because he loved me from the beginning. The best thing for you, live your life to the fullest and be open to meeting someone else the way he seems to be. Don't get too pulled into this unless he can show a bit more commitment like saying "I want to make this work " instead of "what if we meet someone else" to hell with that kind of attitude. Believe me if a man wants you they stop at nothing to get you. Give him a chance to miss you and in fact you may be the one "that meets someone else". Good luck Hun !

[lamaga]

Ok I started out my relationship with my now husband as an ldr. We met on holiday and we are both kind of intense people so this worked. However I know for a fact that if he wasn't "into me" he would not have bothered with a relationship ..I think from the sounds of this guy he is kind of thinking he's only with you 2 months and maybe he will meet somebody else. My husband never had this attitude because he loved me from the beginning. The best thing for you, live your life to the fullest and be open to meeting someone else the way he seems to be. Don't get too pulled into this unless he can show a bit more commitment like saying "I want to make this work " instead of "what if we meet someone else" to hell with that kind of attitude. Believe me if a man wants you they stop at nothing to get you. Give him a chance to miss you and in fact you may be the one "that meets someone else". Good luck Hun !

 

 

Well, I spent the time with him and I know how he acts and how he ticks, I think at least that I know.

I know he is trying really hard to make it work but at the same time he is really, really scared of losing me and that this will be emotionally straining. He told me that he feels like he is too sensitive and emotional to survive all this heartache and at the same time focus on his work. So, I know what he mean by that, since I am similar when it comes to my emotions. You need to be realistic and rationalize at times as well.

 

But he also told me today, that what we have built in the past two months is so strong and manifest that it wont go away and that we will find a way to get through this, so that helped me again.

I really don't think that he wants to be with anyone else at all, I don't think he even thinks about it. I think he is just really scared that it won't work, that I will back out or something.

 

However, I must also say that he said the thing with meeting someone else BEFORE we confessed our love for each other. Ever since then he seems to be more sure of the fact that we can do this.

 

He's constantly reassuring me, and we talk on skype several hours each day and I don't really get hung up about this one sentence he said last week, I really don't...

 

Now, still open for advice from you guys concerning anything else..

[LittleTiger]

Mhh could be. I hope he was just stating a fear, he also said it "what if you meet someone else, or what if i do?"

 

BUT it shouldn't be a fear. Not if he is committed to your relationship.

 

When two people make a commitment to one another, they don't say 'I love you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I really want to make this work - so hopefully neither of us will ever meet someone else who's better or more conveniently located'!

 

They do say 'I love you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, you are so special to me and such a great fit that I can't imagine ever being without you, so I'm going to stick with you come hell or high water'.

 

Of course, there are no cast iron guarantees in life. We all know the sad statistics that, even couples who are 100% committed at the start, often don't succeed in making it to 'forever' but, if one or both of you is only 50% committed in the first place, that reduces the odds even further - especially in a LDR.

 

I realise that your relationship is still very new, so you may feel that we're not talking about 'forever' at this point. What many people don't understand about LDRs though is that you do need a 'forever' mindset to make it work.

 

A 'sort of' LDR is not a forever mindset and if you hadn't been concerned about what he said, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

[lamaga]

BUT it shouldn't be a fear. Not if he is committed to your relationship.

 

When two people make a commitment to one another, they don't say 'I love you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I really want to make this work - so hopefully neither of us will ever meet someone else who's better or more conveniently located'!

 

They do say 'I love you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, you are so special to me and such a great fit that I can't imagine ever being without you, so I'm going to stick with you come hell or high water'.

 

Of course, there are no cast iron guarantees in life. We all know the sad statistics that, even couples who are 100% committed at the start, often don't succeed in making it to 'forever' but, if one or both of you is only 50% committed in the first place, that reduces the odds even further - especially in a LDR.

 

I realise that your relationship is still very new, so you may feel that we're not talking about 'forever' at this point. What many people don't understand about LDRs though is that you do need a 'forever' mindset to make it work.

 

A 'sort of' LDR is not a forever mindset and if you hadn't been concerned about what he said, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

 

It's true, I was concerned. But I don't think it is lack of love or lack of wanting to be with me that make him fear these things. We've talked about the future, we talked marriage and kids and living in the same place together. I think it's because he is just so confused because he's never been through this before.. and I have. And i know what it is like, so I can have faith. I feel it is natural for either of us to state their fears, and if that was a fear of his, or is a fear of his, I need to show him somehow that this fear is irrational.

I feel better today because he reassured me this morning and said that I can not lose faith. I will see what time brings...

[LittleTiger]

Now, still open for advice from you guys concerning anything else..

 

If you are serious about making this work I would strongly recommend that you arrange to see each other at least once or twice while he is away. Six months is too long at this point in your relationship - it's actually too long, even in a long term committed relationship!

[justwhoiam]

I guess it wouldn't have been a problem if he had said: "What if you find someone else?" But he said: "What if either of us find someone else?". That's the difference. And where the problem lies.

[lamaga]

If you are serious about making this work I would strongly recommend that you arrange to see each other at least once or twice while he is away. Six months is too long at this point in your relationship - it's actually too long, even in a long term committed relationship!

 

 

We have talked about visiting. I can only go for a long weekend in October, that's probably what's gonna happen.

[lamaga]

I guess it wouldn't have been a problem if he had said: "What if you find someone else?" But he said: "What if either of us find someone else?". That's the difference. And where the problem lies.

 

I am really confused now that all of you guys see this as a red flag.. Now I worry again Uhrg..

[LittleTiger]

We have talked about visiting. I can only go for a long weekend in October, that's probably what's gonna happen.

 

Well that's something at least. though I would try to make it longer if you possibly can. I sincerely hope that it works out for you. Just don't underestimate how difficult it will be - especially if there is any doubt on either side.

 

Keep us posted on how it's going and, when you have problems (which you will) we'll do our best to help. We're actually quite a supportive bunch here, despite our apparent negativity on this thread.

 

Some of us have a lot of experience with LDRs and when we dish out the harsh reality of living this way it can seem less than encouraging.

[justwhoiam]

I am really confused now that all of you guys see this as a red flag.. Now I worry again Uhrg..

It would be for me. But I can be a little paranoid... Anyway, neither of you is showing particular enthusiasm about starting a LDR. Not that it's something you'd celebrate maybe, because obviously it'd be better to be near one another instead of far apart, but I'd need to feel that the other person wants it as much as I do (a lot, if that's the only option).

[lamaga]

It would be for me. But I can be a little paranoid... Anyway, neither of you is showing particular enthusiasm about starting a LDR. Not that it's something you'd celebrate maybe, because obviously it'd be better to be near one another instead of far apart, but I'd need to feel that the other person wants it as much as I do (a lot, if that's the only option).

 

Yeah, I get that. I just think that, even though we both have our doubts of committing to a LDR right away, we both know how we feel for each other and the idea is that we will skype everyday and keep treating our relationship the way it has been.

 

I think jumping from exclusively dating but not being in a relationship to a LDR is just a super scary thing and, knowing guys and how they are, I can totally get why he is so scared, because I am scared too, just that I am more optimistic because I know what I am capable of, since I have experienced this before.

 

With my exboyfriend, we met in real life and were just friends, then he moved away and months later we started an LDR without ever having been physical. It was 4 months LDR. He did that before but I hadn't experienced anything like it and was so scared to put all of my hopes into it, so I kept seeing another dude on the side. It was really hard for my exboyfriend. I wasn't sexual with the other guy, it wasn't romantic, just casual dating with cuddling and small kisses here and there - but it made me feel like I had a 'way out'. It didn't mean that I loved my boyfriend less. I loved him so much, but I was SO SO SO scared to put my EVERY HOPE into something I didn't know if it would work out.

In the end we had a nice relationship for a year after that and I knew afterwards that I did wrong to him and that I should have just believed in us.

Now I do things differently.

It's always scary such a thing, I guess. Which is why I really need some advice on how I can show him that we need to be strong so we can get through this together.

[justwhoiam]

I don't know... so you date him exclusively but he's not your boyfriend? Now his question makes even more sense... like, let's keep dating, but I'm not sure it will be exclusive. After all he's not your boyfriend, and you're not his girlfriend. Under these terms, I agree, a LDR is bound to fail.

 

You can Skype every day, but that doesn't assure the success of a LDR. I think the core matter is knowing who you are for the other person. Acknowledgment of love. Not things up in the air and neither of you knows where they stand. It will raise doubts, uncertainty, sadness, loneliness... if the needs are not met. Living far away can be awful.

[lamaga]

I don't know... so you date him exclusively but he's not your boyfriend? Now his question makes even more sense... like, let's keep dating, but I'm not sure it will be exclusive. After all he's not your boyfriend, and you're not his girlfriend. Under these terms, I agree, a LDR is bound to fail.

 

You can Skype every day, but that doesn't assure the success of a LDR. I think the core matter is knowing who you are for the other person. Acknowledgment of love. Not things up in the air and neither of you knows where they stand. It will raise doubts, uncertainty, sadness, loneliness... if the needs are not met. Living far away can be awful.

 

 

Well, a few days ago when we talked, he said that this would be the time where we'd have the boyfriend/girlfriend talk. Then he brought up LDR. And told me about his fears.

But that was BEFORE we told each other that we loved each other.

And from then on he's been nothing but reassuring. That's why I feel so much better actually now. I feel that we will, from now on, both do our best to make this work, since we both want it so much.

It's just a really difficult situation right now and all very emotional.

I wish he'd be back in the States already, skyping me, so I could be already used to it and all that stuff... but it all still lies ahead and we have no idea of knowing how it will be - except that I am sure somehow that we will find our routine and that it will loving and caring and wonderful, just how it has been, especially in the past few weeks

 

BUT... I know how he feels for me and he knows how I feel for him and that makes it a bit easier.

[LittleTiger]

I think jumping from exclusively dating but not being in a relationship to a LDR is just a super scary thing and, knowing guys and how they are, I can totally get why he is so scared, because I am scared too, just that I am more optimistic because I know what I am capable of, since I have experienced this before.

 

..............

 

 

It's always scary such a thing, I guess. Which is why I really need some advice on how I can show him that we need to be strong so we can get through this together.

 

In our case, we jumped from never having met to being in a relationship - we were so sure of each other from the start. That is, we met online, chatted for two months, met IRL and started a committed LDR straight away. There are a few others here who have done something very similar.

 

What exactly is it that you find so scary? LDRs definitely have their challenges but, with good communication and equal effort on both sides they can, and do, work. Once you get things running smoothly, the most difficult part is missing your SO. Going to bed alone every night can get lonely but, however much it hurts, it's a price that needs to be paid in the short term to achieve the long term goals.

 

I get the feeling that the fear, for both of you, is the uncertainty. Neither of you is confident that you can make it work. Your own experience with your ex 'proves' that, without commitment, it is easy to stray. Does your bf know about your previous attempt at an LDR? If he does, then no wonder he is scared and talking about 'what ifs'.

 

I can't state strongly enough how important commitment is if you want this to work.