Low self-steem contimplating leaving husband

[guest]

I have been married for four years, since I was 18. My husband is six years older than me. I think I have reached the end of our relationship. I have run out of energy. This will be long sorry and thank you to everyone who reads it.

 

Where to start??? I am in a relationship with a man who can not compromise and can be insensative. Here a few examples:

 

He said he will always care for his brothers more then me, sometimes they disrespect me and he does not interviene.

 

He has on several occasion not bought me a birthday card, when I asked him why he said he was to busy.

 

He does things to destroy my trust then tells me we should not be together if I do not trust him.

 

I feel like I can't tell him how I feel because I am afraid that he will get angry. He uses anger to control me, when I am upset or angry with him he is 10X more angry with me and I end of aplogizing. This has destoryed my self-esteem.

 

He tells me that my insecurities will destroy the relationship but I am insesure because of the things he does. The things he knows hurts me but will not change.

 

I have come to the point where I usually accept, understand anf forgive. He relizes this and knows that he can get away with a lot. He does not feel guilty about the things he does that hurts me and damages our relationship, if he did he would tell me about them so I would forgive him and he would feel better.

 

Yesterday he told me that he would never be able to find someone as understanding as me. I told him that I was naive not understanding and he said if I was navie then he would be taking advantage of me but he was not. Now I feel that he is taking advantage of the fact that I will forgive and understand him.

 

I often think about getting out of the relationship but I don't want to give up, I don't want to be a quiter. I understand that I can not change him and he will not change because he does not want to. He is comfortable with his situation and it is my fault. I cook dinner for him, do most of the chores so he does not have to, I work a full time job in which I support my self and no matter what he does I always understand and forgive. Why would he want his situation in life to be any different.

 

He can continue his destructive behavior and I will keep holding our relationship together by understanding and forgiving.

 

I feel like I have run out of energy. I have a low self-esteem. How can I make things work. If I give him an ultamatium which I was condisering of: him putting in the energy of changing his habits that hurt me or I will leave. Our relationship feel slike a cozy blanket, something familiar and comfortable, but sometimes more, I do really love him.

 

Any advice would be great. Sorry this message was so long.

[Ladyjane14]

Consider printing out everything you wrote here and handing it to him. It's not right that you should feel unequal in the relationship. Or that you can't even talk about it with any degree of success.

 

I just posted to someone about ultimatums, so I pulled it off another post. Beats typing.

 

Now, I never recommend head-games. But I think that an ultimatum can be a good tool when you are 100% sure that you can live with the outcome. When you really have given up AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AFFORD in working out a compromise, and when there's no more wiggle room in what you can REALLY live with, then I don't think saying so amounts to a head-game anymore. Rather, it's setting boundaries.

 

Also, check out Jmargel's link at the bottom of his posts for some good communication tips. Your husband isn't listening to you, and it's only a matter of time before you'll not be able to tolerate it anymore.

 

Do you have children? If not, you might just consider calling it a day, and leaving his fuzzy butt. Sometimes they just won't listen until it's too late.

[InThisSkinAgain]

You either contribute to, or contaminate a relationship. He sounds toxic. Why compromise one more day of happiness? You get ONE life. And you're burning daylight already. You have no idea how soon you'll be thirty. It's amazing.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

I called him this morning and told him I was thinking of us, he asked me what was on my mind and I told him I did not want to talk about it while he is at work, then he said, wel then why did you call? I said because I was lonely.

 

I have put together an idea of how to approch him. I am going to tell him that when he gets home tonight we need to sit down and evaluate our situation and ourselves. We are going to ask direct questions and give direct anwers. We will not judge, we will just tell the other how we feel. I don't want any more baggage, him and I need to talk about everything so we can let it go, this will either help our relationship or offer some closure so we can both move on. I know that if we do not solve the issues we have, I am going to explode. I am going to tell him that what is happening is causing me to feel depressed, insecure and to feel alone. I want to know if he is in love with me or just comfortable, too comfortable to stir things up.

 

I found a website that talked about the four warning signs for a relationship:

 

1) Withdrawal and avoidance, what my husband does whenever we bring up our relationship or have problems. He either leaves the house or goes to sleep.

 

2) Invalidation, like saying or acting like what I have to say is not important and our issues are not important so he goes to leave or go to sleep. Or, turning on and up the radio when I am talking to him and then saying he spaced out and did not know I was talking to him. Is not what I have to say important!!!???

 

3)Negative interpretations, what I do in the relationship "when one partner constantly believes that the motive of the other are more nagative than is relly the case"

 

4) Escalation, when partners negativly responde back and forth to each other until conditions get worse. I usually chicken out so it's not me. He usually leaves, so it's not him, not all the time.

 

Anyways, deep down I am wondering why I am going to try to work thinkgs out with him. Experience tells me that nothing in our relationship is going to change. I will tell him how I feel, he will get angry, nothing will be resolved and both of us in our own little ways will continue to pretend like everything is okay. Maybe that is me being negative. If nothing changes, I at least want closure.

 

Thanks again for the input and advice.

[Guest]

I called my husband again this morning and I told him that when he came home we needed to tlak about our relationshiop, this is how the conversation went:

 

me: Hi, it's me, I need to tell you something and I am so afraid of you that it is hard for me to say, so bear with me. Tonight when you get home I would like to have a talk. I am telling you this now so you can think about our situation and be prepared.

 

Him: Well, what do you want to talk about?

 

Me: Our situation, I feel like we have all this baggage and I would like to talk about it and get rid of it.

 

Him: Well, give me some example.

 

me: Okay, ummm

 

Him: Well,

 

Me: It is hard for me to talk to you about this stuff. Give me some time to say what I want to say.

 

Him: We have already talked about this, I don't like your snooping and you have a problem with...

 

Me: I know that I am negative about things and I don't feel like I have all the answers When I don't have all the answers I am negative.

 

Him: Well, you can never have all the answers, that is what a relationship is. What do you want to talk about, why did you call me if you don't want to talk about it.

 

Me: I do want to talk about it when you get home, I just want you to think about it.

 

Then the conversation pretty much ended, he said he had to go.

 

Now I feel like I did the wrong thing, that me calling and saying those things is just going to push him away. I don't want to be afraid of pushing him away, I want to solve our issues.

 

Why is it that what I want and how I feel never agree with one another. My feelings usually get the best of me. I know that if/when we alk tonight it will only make things worse. If it does, I don't feel like I am stong enough to go on.

 

I know that the right thing to do if we an not solve our relationship problems is to walk away. My husband does not agree that we havea porblem, how can we solve our problems when he does not see that anything is wrong. Now I am going to spend the next 8 hours dwelling on it until he comes home.

 

I am so weak I will probably call and apologize for calling him at work.

 

I really need the strength to do what is best for me. How can I get that in one day when for the past seven years I have been doing what was right for him?

 

Our relationship is so consistant. He does something wrong, I complain he never aplogizes and tells me I am wrong for not trusting him or snooping, I agree with him, I feel better, until the next day when the anger come back. I talk to him about what happened again.

 

He invalidates me by not wanting to talk about it. Or saying things like we already talked about it. The funny things is when he says that what he is saying is, I shut you up, we did not solve the issues, I made you feel bad and you apologized for my actions, what more is there to talk about. I got my way, you are afraid of me, I like the way things are, why would you want to talk about it and change it.

 

How can I realize all of these things and not be able to do something about it?

[Guest]

What else I would say to my husband.

 

You do these things that make it hard for me to trust you, then you say that my lack of trust is ruining the relationship and if I can't trust you we can't be together. You blame me and I let you, I start to believe that it is my fault and I need to change. The only things is, you CAN controll your actions I CAN NOT control the way I feel and respond to things that hurt me.

 

Questions to ask my husband, I know you are not suppose to use "you" statments, but this is for me to vent:

 

Do YOU know that the things you do hurt me?

 

Why do you do them?

 

Do you feel bad afterwords or just "caught"?

 

Do you feel like you have made up for the things you have done, even though you have not once apologized, said you would change, or even came clean. Instead you make me explain to you what and why I think you do/did. It is your turn to start explaining.

 

Do you feel like I have truly forgiven you, if you do, does that make it okay for you to continue what you do. Forgiveness can only go so far and do so much. Eventually, you realize that it means nothing to the person you have been forgiving, because they have taken it for granted.

 

Are you IN love with me?

 

Do you think things are good and comfortable and it's better to go on pretending?

 

Have you ever in the seven years we have been togther, kissed or had sex with another women?

 

What do see is our biggest problem in the relationship?

 

What do you need to do to change?

 

What do I need to go do change?

 

Just some more thought. Bye!

[Guest]

I just wanted to add something else. An analogy if you will, which will follow:

 

When something happens, I forgive you. I say to myself, "That's okay, I love this man. Now that he knows how I feel, things will be different, they will be better."

Then, a few weeks or months later, I say the same old thing and listening to the same old tune.

 

My relationship is like a broken record. I keep trying to play the song (of my life) all the way through, but I keep getting stuck at the same sad part of the song.

 

Finally I have realized that I can't keep going crazy trying to play the same old song, I need a whole new record. That can be a record my husband and I pick out together or I will go shopping by myself.

 

I am not good at analogies, I hope it made sense. It helped me put a little of what is going on in perspective.

 

Bye for now!

[twistedtexan]

Did you intimate to him that you were going to divorce him if you both did not confront the issues that are dissolving your relationship? You have to tell him that you are leaving the marriage, unless he comes to the table and actively seeks resolution to some of your issues.

 

You must be strong and resolute during this discussion w/him.

 

~T

[izzybelle]

guest, that feeling of stuck that you talk about is probably fairly accurate. some people are just emotional vampires and no matter how much you give they find a way to suck even more of the life out of you and out of a relationship.

 

i was involved in a marriage like that. not as bad as what you've described but i felt my self-esteem and self-confidence being drained from me over and over again. apoligizing is unfortunately one of the reactions that goes with it. i recently had a bad ending to a relationship i was in and although what happened to the relationship was not entirely my fault, i find myself over and over and over again apologizing for everything. and each time those words leave my mouth, i find a little more of my self esteem leaving with them.

 

with my marriage... i eventually found my way to counseling and while there were many things about that process that i don't think were even remotely helpful it did give me the courage to stand up for myself. that i had spent way too many years watching things happen to me and then apologizing for somehow thinking they were all my fault. each time you say you're sorry and accept even part of the blame you, to some extent, release that person from their part in it. eventually i felt strong enough and walked away. yes, it's hard to admit that you've failed and it's hard to face everyone who knows you and still be able to hold your head high and explain to them why you're getting divorced, but with time it does get easier (until you end up in that spiral again like i am now).

 

be strong and take care of yourself, it doesn't sound like your H is taking care of you. i don't mean for that to sound cruel .... but you really do need to take care of yourself. if he won't accept his part of the problem (of course he first needs to admit there is one) you may be caught in the downward spiral for longer than you'd like to be. perhaps counseling can help you become more confident to be able to work things out with him or give you the strength to walk away. hopefully he will respond to your questions. in some ways you sound a lot like me. i tend to overthink and overanalyze and have a way in mind that i'd like things to go and then end up getting myself all upset when the reactions aren't what i've hoped for.

 

stay strong and do what you need to .... FOR YOU!!!

[Lucia]

It seems to me that the problem is not only with your husband, but with you too. Try to change yourself first, otherwise you are doomed to repeat these mistakes in any other relationships that you might have.

First, conquer your fear. You both don't have communication skills. Get him accustomed to listening to you. But when you talk, be prepared, know what you are going to say and make sure he understood you. Be friendly. Be specific. Be positive. Don't give up. Get him to talk about his thoughts. Understand your needs and let him know, ask for what you need, don't be afraid. No ultimatums, just normal discussion.