JOE103 Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Hi, I have been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now. I am beginning to feel uncomfortable in the relationship because she wants to stay in contact with her ex boyfriend. She says that they began as friends and then he cheated on her when they were dating 3 years ago. Since they broke up she says that he is the only who has intitiated contact with her and he sent her a facebook message yesterday asking for details of a work related contact. I told her that I was not happy about this but she insists that I should trust her and that the ex is important for her work things like recommendations and references as he is well known in the area she wants to work in so it seems she is willing to risk our relationship for this. Also this is not the first time something like this has happened, a few months ago I had to asks her to stop a different ex from calling her. I don't know what to do. Should I just trust her and leave things as they are or take firmer action? Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 Don't know about you, but I don't use FB to make business contacts. It may be perfectly innocent, although I have no idea why anyone would want to be in contact with someone who betrayed them. Decide what's acceptable to you, put boundaries in place & stick to them. If she doesn't accept what you think are appropriate boundaries, then you are not compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 What firmer action can you take. She's done it once and is now doing it again. What were her reason's for contact with the first ex? Seems to me like she's always been in contact with them. Maybe you should trust her, but as a man 75% of the time initiating contact with an ex who you've been intimate with is a big red flag. That's now twice with you..why did the relationships with the other two end..cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted June 26, 2013 Share Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Should u trust her? Is she lying about the contact and doing things behind yr back? I dont mind the odd birthday or new years text or similar OCCASIONAL harmless stuff, but persistent contact or contact of an emotional nature would be a problem that I would not tolerate. A gf that had as a "friend" an ex who she wanted to meet up with and be on call to at the end of a phone, forget it. Not a hope. But that's my boundary and I don't give a rats ass if that makes me a control freak or insecure. U need to identify yr boundary and then let her know what it is in a clear way. The rest is up to her. Then it's up to u how u deal with her actions in response. It is of course possible she might take it underground in which case lies are inevitable and a break up becomes likely. Edited June 26, 2013 by Joaquin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JOE103 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Share Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the advice. Darren - With the first ex she said that he was not a serious boyfriend so it would good to be in contact. I told her I didn't like it and she agreed to tell him to not call her and he hasn't since. However, she does not want to do the same to the other one. Yes both cheated on her. Joaquin - I agree, I think such contact should be basic if at all. Even if it harmless it may lead to mistrust since the other person is never sure what exactly is happening. I will let her know what my boundaries are. For now I will monitor things and if this keeps happening I might have to break it up if she isin't willing to change. Edited June 27, 2013 by JOE103 Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted June 27, 2013 Share Posted June 27, 2013 Can you verify whether this ex is in her industry or in a related industry and he has actually given her contacts or references to get jobs? Is it possible that you two can have a party so that you can actually meet this guy? I feel very strongly that once you get to the point of exclusivity -- where you are giving up your right to date other people and you are coordinating your free time and accounting for it and spending Christmas with boring members of her family instead of joining friends for that ski trip,you get the picture -- then it's time for some transparency. You two should have access to each others' FB and e-mail accounts. And both of you should be comfortable leaving your phones on the table and letting each other answer them. As your relationship progresses, there should be even more disclosure. If you two can't get on this pathway, she may not be serious about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JOE103 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 The ex works in her industry but I think there are other ways to get the information she needs without going through him. She hasn't done anything yet but might do in future. I suspect that he messed up one of her previous relationships years ago by masquerading as a "friend". Now he has a different hat on. Meeting this guy would be out of the question. I have a level of transparency with her and have access to each other's phones and emails when we are together so I might spot any suspicious behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Kindly explain to her that this is something that does not make you feel good and that you find unattractive (don't accuse her of doing something wrong, it's about YOUR feelings, not her doings). Ask her what she'd think if you would be keeping contacts with your EXes. If she doesn't take your feelings in consideration dump her ass. Link to post Share on other sites
TG1 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I would say trust her man before you end up losing her for good and then you will only have yourself to blame for that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Yah it's a sticky one. I can understand your feeling, on the flip side I keep in contact with my ex's quite a bit but more to the tune of what Jaquin stated. If it's constant, there may be an issue. Even if what she's saying is true, the bottom line is that it bothers you and she should respect that. It's important to have trust, and I find the women who are most deceitful are the ones that always push the whole "you need to trust me" card. In my experience, they are the ones that are up to the worst, because the ones that were trustworthy didn't need to state the obvious. Just saying....that's my own experience may not be a universal thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Should I just trust her and leave things as they are or take firmer action? I was in a situation where I was given an ultimatuum: if you talk to him, I'm done with you. From there it became: I don't prefer you communicate with him, but it's up to you. So giving me the freedom to explore & discuss has shown me that, often -- an ex is an ex for a reason. So, let her be a butterfly: free. If she belongs with you, nothing can interfere. Link to post Share on other sites
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