Night away with my ex tomorrow

[Sukotto]

Well my ex and I broke up around 2 weeks ago. Her reasons were she doesn't feel the same any more though still cares for me. I talked quite rationally about it and I didn't beg for her back, we decided to go do something in 2 weeks time and see what happens.

 

That day is tomorrow and I've coped well over the past 2 weeks, we've been in contact via IM and sms, though we haven't spoken or seen each other. We're going away to Edinburgh in the afternoon, dinner, to see a show at the Edinburgh Playhouse (Grease) and then staying overnight in a hotel overlooking Edinburgh castle. She doesn't know anything about what we're doing only that she's to meet me and I told her what to bring.

 

Now I've done alot of reflection over the past few weeks, I read various books and looked at the love letters I have from her and photos of our time together. I realise that its not her fault that her feelings changed, we kind of stopped being a couple about 2 months ago. We'd see each other but we didnt really communicate about how we felt or even just have a night in alone. We'd always be going to the gym or cooking dinner at someones house.

 

You could say I became complacent, i focussed more on when we were next going to the gym rather than on how she felt. We usually talked about how we felt and why we wanted to be with each other once a month and well it always made things so much better.

 

Now here is my dilema, how should I act tomorrow? Friends, Couple, Prospective Couple or The evil Ex

 

I know we have alot to talk about especially how she reacted to the whole situation, she gave up rather than talking to me because she didn't know how to do it without hurting me, though I was more hurt with it being out of the blue. I dont want to ruin the day tomorrow so I'm tempted to just go with the flow tomorrow and speak to her on Sunday on our journey back if it doesn't come up before then.

 

The importance about tomorrow? Its the first time we met 3 years ago and well we didn't get off to a good start, she called me various names and I thought she was stuck up, it took 5 months of talking before we finally got together. I'm sure she doesn't remember thats when we met, should I bring it up?

[UnicornGirl]

If she was feeling like you were ignoring her, now is the time to show her how much you care about her. Be sweet, caring, loving, etc. but not in a way that puts pressure on her. She won't want to come back to you if when you break up, you suddenly become the knight in shining armor ... just treat her in a very loving way if it's what you're genuinely feeling, have good conversation, etc. Make her feel special. Plays and movies are a great way to reconnect with an ex, I think, because you are together while still being "apart" while you see it, and then you have something specific to talk about afterward. If you want to put a label on how you act, I'd definitely avoid the "Evil Ex!" -- you want to come across as caring and loving if that's the way you really feel about her.

 

Don't rush into "the talk." I wouldn't initiate a talk at this point if you can help it. Talking about the relationship in my experience just exhausts both parties and causes irritation. Just have a good time.

 

By the way, two weeks after the breakup seems pretty early to be spending a weekend together. Your breakup seems so <i>rational</i>... hmmm. Well, take my advice with a grain of salt. Best of luck.

[Sukotto]

i know its too soon but its really the only time between now and christmas. My parents left on their fall break as of a few minutes ago which makes things easier. It means she can at least come over and talk without my parents lurking about.

 

We have alot of work for university soon too, papers and courseworks which also means that we're not going to have anytime to get away.

 

I guess I felt it was better to do this sooner rather than later, before we both became too far apart. For some reason I have butterflies in my stomach, I've not had that feeling since I started seeing her, probably aprehension more than me being nervous.

[crash&burn]

Hi,

 

I was in the same situation you are about 4 months ago, she felt unhappy about how the relationship had turned routine, stale etc. We took a 2 week break also, then I planned dinner at her favourtie restaurant, booked a hotel room, did all the romantic stuff, it was really nice. She loved it, and told me that things were all better now.

 

I acted like we were still dating and just needed space. I pretty much just tried to act normal.

 

End result -

 

I got complacent, i though everything was better, 1 month later she breaks up with me.

 

Moral of the story -

 

Make sure that you keep communicating, keep at making things better, do not get complacent or comfortable.

Do these things i'm sure it will increase your chances of being happy together.

 

Good luck

[Sukotto]

Well thats me back now and here's how it went.

 

Got on the train, we talked about how we spent the two weeks and how we were. That took up most of the 90 minute journey, I kept grinning at her and she kept smiling back though I guess this was just down to the both of us being so nervous.

 

So we got to the hotel and checked in and lay on the bed for about another 90 minutes just hugging and talking, there was some obvious tension there and the next thing we're all over each other though I ended it before it got too far. All good I thought.

 

We then got dressed to go out for dinner, which went well but was a bit rushed since we'd taken so long to get ready, so a 40 minute dinner then a quick taxi ride to the theatre. By this point the awkward part was over and well it wasn't so bad talking now. We sat through the show and a few times she gave me a hug and said sorry for breaking my heart and we both had teary eyes. It was Grease and I forgot the entire story was about a couple who split over the summer and getting back together by the end, so that didn't help.

 

We get back to the hotel and go down the bar for a drink, we're pretty tired by this point so we finished those and headed upstairs to bed. We got into bed and sat and talked some more before she fell asleep in my arms, all was going ok so far.

 

I woke up at 8 which is early for a Sunday and I sat and watched her for a bit before giving her another hug and she woke about 9 and we just held each other for another half hour before we got up dressed and packed. Went down for breakfast and it was all ok. We then went and spoke to reception and got our checkout time extended so we could go back upstairs and talk.

 

We went upstairs and lay in bed again just hugging before we ended up getting a bit frisky, though nothing happened. Well then she went to the toilet and this is something I'm not proud of but I looked at her phone and read through her Inbox. There were ALOT of messages from this guy on holiday, I'll call him Joe. I read the first couple of Joe's messages and they went along the lines of "I miss you so badly" and "I wish it was me with you rather than him" etc. I then went and checked her sent items and I dont remember what they said, I was in a bit of a shock but it appears she was sending similar messages to him.

 

I put her phone back down and got ready to leave before she came out of the toilet and well I played it well and didn't say anything, we considered going shopping but I was too tired and she had work to do for Uni tomorrow so we just went home on the train. While sitting on the platform waiting she noticed something was up and well I confessed that I read her phone and asked if she had anything to tell me. She asked about what and I replied "Joe". Well at that point she went as white as a sheet and I asked her if she had cheated on me with this guy and she said she had so I got up and walked away.

 

I stood for a few minutes and she came over and opened with a joke, "Going to abandon me here" or something similar. I gave her a ticket and at this point the train had just arrived so I jumped on and well I got her to sit next to me and we talked the whole journey back. She said she kissed this guy on the beach once and well it didn't help, she said she was already confused about her feelings and this made it worse. I didn't get angry or lash our but she told me what had happened and that she didn't know what would have happened if he hadn't been going home.

 

We hugged a bit and well I told her I wasn't angry but hurt that she didn't tell me in the first place and I had to find out after we'd broken up. She told me that she didn't want me to think that we'd broken up because of Joe since he lives at the furthest end of the country. So after some more small talk she says that she regretted the kiss, though that could just have been for my benefit, I dont know.

 

I explained to her that my respect and trust for her were alot less and she was clearly upset by this and even though I was hurt I still said that I would remain friends with her and we could still do stuff together but I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to talk to her again.

 

Well off the train now and we're walking up to her house and well rather than give her a reason to be angry I told her that if Joe made her happy then to go for it. She then stopped and gave me a hug and I was told that she couldn't stay mad at me even if I did read her messages. She said that she couldn't be angry with me because I wasn't being mean or nasty to her.

 

Got to her house and she got some of my stuff that was about and we sat and talked for a bit more. She felt a bit better that I found out and was sorry she didn't tell me when she got back. I did ask her and well she lied straight to my face. After some more hugs we headed home.

 

At my house she came in for a bit and I gave her one of the tickets for Grease, she likes to keep things that remind me of her and we went to my room and I gave her a bag with some of her belongings in it. I then decided to show her the collection of things I'd kept from her over the years and we looked at some photos.

 

Went downstairs and I got another big hug and a kiss before she left. As she was going out I told her "Thank You" she said for what? I said the last two and a half years and she left with tears running down her cheek.

 

So whats the moral of the story?

If your girlfriend starts acting distant to you when she get backs from holiday then she probably met someone else and you shouldn't get your hopes up.

 

I guess it will be easier to get over her now that I know that there was someone else involved even if it was only a single kiss. He was more a catalyst rather than the reason for our break up.

 

I would still like to be friends with her and I'm not sure what to tell people. I told them after we broke up that there was no way someone else was involved and I trusted her with all my heart. I guess I was wrong but I dont want them to think anything less of her and me to look the fool since I told them it wasn't possible.

 

What should I do now?

[UnicornGirl]

What a bitch. I'm sorry, but it's dishonest not to tell your significant other if there's someone else ... then to break up with them ... then to kiss and hug them and be all sentimental. It seems she is gloating about the fact that not only does this Joe guy like her, but you like her. She'll probably regret this.

 

If it were me, I'd tell people there was someone else involved. But I'm not sure that's the best option. It's true this will help you get over her if that's what you want to do. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but this girl sounds like she's not worth it.

[Sukotto]

Well she says she was confused before she went on holiday and well him kissing her caused her to question this even more and she assured me that this guy wasn't the reason it ended and that telling me about him when oure relationship ended would have hurt me even more. But as i've said how can I trust her?

 

I want to get over her but I'll still have to see her on a fairly regular basis, we both volunteer at a youth scheme which meets weekly and it can involve group weekends away. It also doesn't help that she's a member of the same gym and I'm not prepared to change that because of her.

 

This thing with Joe WONT last, this I know. He lives 500 miles away and neither of them are exactly in the financial position to go see each other more than once I guess. Me on the other hand, I could afford to fly down and whoop his ass with my hired thugs. I dont see this long distance conversation lasting more than a few months and at that point I'm sure she'll realise the mistake she made.

 

I spent £240 (US$433) on the weekend and I feel stupid for thinking that it could work out. But I never knew there was another party involved.

 

At least I got a few pointers on things I can improve about myself, it came up in a conversation on the train journey home. I apparently have to avoid talking down to people when it involves something wrong with the computer or they ask a computer related question. I also had a habbit of going on the computer when she was over to see me and this annoyed her. It felt good to know that I dont have too many bad qualities and the fact that I always treated her well.

 

Overall I handled the weekend very well, I didn't get annoyed or angry in front of her, no asking for her to come back and no declaration of my undieing love. She'll definately be hurting about that.

 

SO where do I go now?

I'm thinking NC with her, the anger I feel at the moment will make sure I dont give in. I'll probably just be polite to her when I see her but dont give her any extra attention apart from that. Any other way to make her feel extra guilty?

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Sukotto

Overall I handled the weekend very well, I didn't get annoyed or angry in front of her, no asking for her to come back and no declaration of my undieing love. She'll definately be hurting about that.[/i]

 

Well, that's true. You did handle it well. Think of how it would have made her feel had you cried and thrown a fit when you told her about this guy. Instead, you showed her you have confidence and self-respect.

 

Originally posted by Sukotto

SO where do I go now?

I'm thinking NC with her, the anger I feel at the moment will make sure I dont give in. I'll probably just be polite to her when I see her but dont give her any extra attention apart from that. Any other way to make her feel extra guilty?

 

I think you should go to minimal contact. It depends if you want her back or not. If there's a chance, a SERIOUS chance that you would want to build a relationship with her -- NOT just a longing for the past or a faint feeling of wanting to go back to happy times -- then don't go to no contact, and don't plot strategies to "make her feel extra guilty!" If this is the case, you should give yourself time to grieve and cry about all of this, and then show her you love her and do loving things for her -- talking, "catch up" semi-dates, little sentimental gifts, etc. If this is the route you want you did an excellent job by treating her so well during the weekend.

 

But if you want to get over her, and want to hurt her, absolutely no contact is good. The issue with that, and my issue with NC in general, is that when (since I think she could, given your description of her and her behaviour), she comes back, you probably won't want her anymore. If you really want to damage her self-esteem more than it seems already, since she was not feeling loved in the relationship, NC will do it -- if it appears to her you don't care, she'll feel like crap. But whether or not you want to do that to her depends how much you love and care about her. Remember that the short term gratification of hurting her could damage your long term goal of a good relationship or friendship with her.

[Miss Perfection]

Just be the caring, nice, wonderful guy she fell in love with....you have to leave her with a good impression. Remember, shes going to lose YOU(what a big mistake)

[Sukotto]

Well she is a real stubborn person so it could be days before she gives in though she has some really close friends she can talk to, the problem is her friends dont like me and thats someone that could go against me. I'll go to the gym tonight and I'll probably see her there since I know she is off tonight and has no plans.

 

I think i'll avoid making contact on phone/sms/msn with her but be polite and that when I meet her. I was still bitter last night and making her feel hurt was my top priority, I dont think i'd really want that. My ex lost 35lbs in the past 5 months and more guys have started hitting on her due to this and I think thats whats caused this problem, all this extra attention where I took her for granted.

 

Would I take a second chance with her? To be honest I dont know, she'd have to gain my trust and respect again before I'd even consider it.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Sukotto

Would I take a second chance with her? To be honest I dont know, she'd have to gain my trust and respect again before I'd even consider it.

 

to me, that sounds like you love her and want her back if you can trust her and respect her. remember that trusting someone and respecting them is an active choice on your part, not something that "happens," especially in the long term. believe me, i know a lot about trust -- my ex wanted to break up because of trust issues on my part -- i was constantly suspicious and unsure because he had broken my trust in the past. i am visiting a counselor about it ... i have concluded that the only way to trust is to just bite back your fears and do it; it's an active choice, and if you don't just force yourself to trust this person then no matter how many times they prove themselves to you, you'll never fully trust. it sounds like you two will have to take things slow if you get back together, kind of like starting from scratch. but if you do start dating or sort-of dating or even just meeting for lunch again, you should tell yourself you actively trust her and love her. you'll treat her well if you tell yourself that, and it'll come across as effortless, pure love. take things slow and the trust and respect will come.

[Rayne84]

You seem to be handling this situation very well. I would keep minimal contact, but do not completely drive her out of your life, as you'll probably regret that later. Just keep your distance and be very polite. She needs to get her **** worked out about this "Joe" character before she even thinks of attempting to try to reconcile with you. She should have been honest from the get-go, but she was not; furthermore she is still talking to this guy. If she truly wishes to have YOU in her life, she will break off contact with "Joe" and work on proving her trustworthiness to you. Meanwhile, as you said, it's completely up to you whether you wish to take her back or not. Since she does sound like a nice girl who simply got confused and was too chicken to own up to it, I think you two could work something out in the long run if you so desired.

 

Just my female .02.

[Sukotto]

Well She's been trying to talk to me over MSN.

 

Lynsey: hey

Lynsey: how are u

Lynsey: have fun at uni?

Lynsey: im saying hello again in case ure willing to talk now

Lynsey: but if not its cool

Lynsey: just wanted to know u were ok

 

I didn't reply to either of them and even though I felt bad about it at the time it doesn't seem so bad now. Its now been 42 hours since we last spoke and I'm not sure how long to wait? I know I still have feelings for her but I dont want it to cloud my judgement. To be honest I'd prefer a text message on my cell or an email because I can at least prepare a response rather than a live chat.

 

Joe's friends are coming up now to see my ex and all her friends that were on holiday. Joe isn't coming because he doesnt get on with the person who organised the trip up, thank goodness which makes me feel better. There coming up 2 weeks on friday and staying till the monday morning. So I suspect that once thats over they'll just stop talking.

 

Well we will be going out every once in a while, she likes going to TGI Fridays and her friends aren't that interested so I'd said I would go and to the cinema to see the odd movie. I'll definately take her to see Oceans 12 when it comes out, Oceans 11 was the film we went to see on our first date.

 

So off to university now to sit through a boring Software Project Management class. Thanks for the advice, it really does help for me to just speak whats on my mind and get some replies.

[UnicornGirl]

It seems that in the MSN messages, she was wanting to "see if you were OK."

 

Read: She wants to feel that you are the fragile, broken, sad one and she's the ultra-powerful, attractive woman who's broken a guy's heart. If she asks if you're OK, say you're doing great, and sound like you mean it. Better yet, mean it!

[Sukotto]

She tried it again on MSN tonight and I didn't respond. I'd prefer that she started initial contact via some sort of non live method since I dont know if I'd be able to restrain my feelings. I spent a good part of the day thinking about her and I still can't seem to get over the fact she was in an emotional relationship with Joe while she was still seeing me and didn't tell me. I tried to justify it to myself that she wasn't unfaithful but I feel that it doesn't matter that there was no physical intimacy involved.

 

I do still care for her, it pains me not to find out how her day went and just to generally chat. I phoned her mum this morning and wished her a good time on her try to NY, she didn't anything else.

 

I think I'll get a single white rose and leave it on her door handle on Friday morning, even though we haven't spoken since Sunday i feel it would be a good way to show that I'm still interested even though I dont say it directly. Is this a good idea or bad idea?

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Sukotto

I think I'll get a single white rose and leave it on her door handle on Friday morning, even though we haven't spoken since Sunday i feel it would be a good way to show that I'm still interested even though I dont say it directly. Is this a good idea or bad idea?

 

I think it's a great idea, but I'd wait a little while before doing it. Let her wonder. But yes I think small gifts like that that don't pressure her are the way to go.

[Sukotto]

ok well I'm weak so I went and got two roses today. One white and one red, i'm not sure which one to give her check the link below for a photo, there is also a photo of lynsey taken on a trip we took.

 

I'll go leave it tomorrow morning before 9 so she finds it before she leaves. I'm not going to attach a card or anything, I think the gesture is enough to make my feelings clear and if she doesn't say anything about it then I guess I know what her response is.

 

Wonder how I should attach it to her door, hmm. Tape on to the plastic i guess.

 

http://ppn.homeip.net/

[UnicornGirl]

that's true, she will get the message.

can't get to the link, it asks for a name and password... but i don't know which one i'd leave -- the red would make her feel really special, girls love to get red roses. but white is very sweet and symbolic. i think i'm going to have to say white, because it's less of a cliche and it seems more mature. maybe save the red one for when things are going a bit better? if you can tell me how to see the pics maybe i'll have a better idea.

[Sukotto]

Ah sorry about the username and password thing, I work from home and the website is on my development server in the office.

 

Give it a go now and it should work.

[UnicornGirl]

I think go for the white. It's very simple and romantic and not as flashy as the red. Somehow to me a white rose is more appropriate in this situation, though the red one is very pretty too. I'd take it out of the package and ribbon for more simplicity.

[Sukotto]

Thanks for the advice, the white one it is. I'll give the red one to my sister's boyfriend to give to my sister.

 

The photo of her on the site is the one thats given me the most inspiration to attempt to make things work, its the most recent one that I have and well I think its got great scenery. Was taken on the banks of Loch Lommond. Someone asked me if it was a back drop, its not!

 

I appreciate your advice alot, I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. I hope I she's not up when i'm leaving it at her door, I dont know what I'd say.

[Sukotto]

Ok i left late this morning and ended up seeing her once as she was leaving her street on her way to work. Then after leaving her house and driving home she passed me in her works van,. Luckily I tool my sisters car but she still probably recognised me. So she definately knows its me unless my hat was enough to disguise me.

 

Now to wait and see, i'll have to try and keep myself occupied now.

[UnicornGirl]

yes, the picture is beautiful, what a lovely scene.

well, do keep yourself occupied, and good luck. i actually gave my ex a white flower tonight too didn't go for the rose but rather a huge white daisy. it was a gift after seeing a concert of his.

 

things went ok, there were some truly awkward moments among his friends where i felt really marginalized and left out of his new life (it's only been 6 weeks but it seems like i have no clue what happens day to day in his life) but i'm just trying to ignore them. also we were with his roommate and his quasi-girlfriend so that was probably part of the awkwardness.

 

i'm trying to mold my attitude into one of: it's up to me to be happy. i'm going to ignore anything that seems bad in our relationship right now and focus on the hopeful moments -- like how he's coming here again tomorrow, and how i still felt this special chemistry when we were talking even though we're kind of treating each other like strangers, and he said several times it was really important to him that i was there to see his concert.

 

let me know how it goes ... good luck ... you can't go wrong with a nice gesture like that -- it's creating those pleasant experiences with her that's going to help things move in a better direction. one piece of advice i received was not to agonize about how long it's taking to get back to "normal" or to get back to being "best friends again" but to keep in the front of my mind that time heals, that no person or thing can replace the bond and history we have together, and that it's dangerous to get back together too early without time to grow, re-focus, and heal.

 

treat your friendship like a precious spark that you don't to blow out by pushing too hard for it to become a fire -- rather, coax it back into an even bigger fire than before.

[Sukotto]

Well it did get her talking to me So we chatted about what we'd done this week and what she was doing this weekend, I even got a text msg as well. I've also found out my friend has broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years so I've now got someone to talk to in the exact same situation so that makes me feel better.

 

Yeah I'm probably going to see her at the gym and i'll make sure that I create positive moments rather than negative ones, since a good impression and an association with me and fun is what I'm wanting. I'll probably wait another few weeks before I suggest doing anything together. My friend suggested lunch, shopping or cinema as thats what her and her ex have been doing once or twice a week.

 

The chemistry will always be there, you were attracted to them at one point and that might have faded while dating. Now that you aren't it will feel more intense, just like the desire I have to still kiss and hug my ex when I see her.

[UnicornGirl]

Sounds like things are going well if SHE is contacting YOU. Simple signs of love and affection can work wonders. I think waiting a few weeks is good -- give yourself time to cool down and deal with feelings of resentment, distrust, anger, etc.

 

Originally posted by Sukotto

The chemistry will always be there, you were attracted to them at one point and that might have faded while dating. Now that you aren't it will feel more intense, just like the desire I have to still kiss and hug my ex when I see her.

 

I think you are right. I definitely felt something while taking a walk with my ex after his concert. I think he was too, but neither of us reached out to hug when we were talking. We had a big hug when I was leaving though. The only time he was acting really strange was when we were hanging out in his room with his roommate (and his long-distance friend/lover girl that he's in a sort of "open relationship" with) ... he was acting kind of macho and treating me like a "good friend" which hurt my feelings. It seemed a little forced though. He introduced me to the girl who lives next door to them and her boyfriend and he seemed to ignore me while they were talking to him. He's a little socially awkward sometimes though so maybe that was it. I have so many odd little suspicions about him and what he does when I'm not around, not sexually or anything, but like I'm so worried he's going to become better friends with his roommate than me. I mean I feel like I'm competing with the roommate. And the neighbor. And all of his friends he jokes with -- because I'm not sure if he's wanting to be super-close with me ever again.

 

Tomorrow he's coming to have breakfast with me (two hours out of his way) on his way home for his break. I'm not really ready to tell him, I love you, I'm waiting for you yet -- I think that would put unnecessary pressure on him. I think I'll just write him a cute note on a napkin in the restaurant or something, like "You're nice," and hand it to him. I sent him a dark chocolate Hershey kiss and a little note saying good luck with exams last week and he thanked me for it while we were in his room with the roommate and the friend present. Hopefully it meant more to him than he let on ... and he was really happy with the flower I gave him.

 

Today I went into NYC with friends and had a great day -- I'm at a point where I feel like I can push the little injuries and insecurities away and concentrate on me, though I have to push them away several times a day, especially at times when I'm alone and quiet. But I am making great friends at school and feel like I have a support network of amazing girl friends outside of my ex, who had been not only my BEST but my only really good friend for quite some time.

 

I now think having awesome friends strengthens your relationship with your significant other, rather than detracting from it -- spending time with other people gives me the freedom to express myself outside of "him and me" and also makes me miss him when I'm having fun without him. I think when we get back together I'll have so much figured out about what it means to be with someone long-term -- you have to give them MORE freedom and trust that the freedom shows you that you love them and makes them want to stay with you long-term in addition to the chemistry and friendship and love is strong enough. We all want someone to love us unconditionally but we also want to live our own lives -- I need to not see that as a threat to our friendship but as an added support to the foundation of our special friendship.

 

Well, off to get some beauty sleep, need to look fresh for the morning outing!