Parents with Personality Disorders

[happywithlife]

My ex-husband has a personality disorder. I know I'm not the only divorced parent dealing with this. I would love to hear how others handle their exes PO. Its so challenging and would love to deal with it in a way that keeps my kids safe, healthy, and happy (if possible).

 

Little background - have been apart for a year and officially divorced for 3 months. Have two kids 7 and 5. Dad still lives in the area and gets them one weeknight and every other weekend. So far kids have been relatively safe but its so hard to deal with the lying, mind games, and BS.

 

My cardinal rule is to not say anything negative about him to the kids. (even though he does this to me)

 

PS -

I know I sound like I'm complaining, painting my ex as an awful person, etc. But it really is a challenge.

[Leegh]

I have a sister with a personality disorder, and it is a nightmare. She is almost impossible to get along with, as she is extremely critical of other people, yet very sensitive when someone criticizes her. It's hard when you're related to someone with a personality disorder, or had been married to someone with a personality disorder, because you cannot just never hear about them again. I think my sister is a narcissist, and it has helped me to read about that type of personality disorder. I always knew there was something different about her (not in a good way) but it's been only the last few years, that I've thought she has a personality disorder.

[Feelin Frisky]

I have come to the mind that personality disorders are the norm and responsible, consistent, rational people the exception. I may not have said it in ideal phrasing but there is truth to it. Sooner or later some wackiness comes out of everyone (except my good self of course:p). We are not manufactured creatures where the assembly line gets most of us right. We're the products of random animal copulation which never involves a perfect pairing of gene sources. Then a genetic compositing process happens to ensure a unique individual but during gestation a host of variables is at work some of which decide our gender, others which effect our sexual orientation, and nothing is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. Then comes all the cockamamie superstitious junk your parents threaten your with eternal damnation with and you might find yourself in a religious prison i.e Catholic school or a madras or a yeshiva. Even if someone were to explain to you how nature really works from a practical standpoint--hierarchies, territorialism, dominance and submission, bullying, being bullied, mob dynamics etc, it's not something you can just burn into your head and have perfect emotional responses to as your number is called to face whatever comes along. Who is to say what a "well" psyche actually consists of. There are some miserable bastards who never figure anything out and procreate just the same--perpetuating miserable bastardhood to the detriment of innocent suckers just trying to live in some semblance of peace. I can't think of anyone that isn't compromised in some whacky regard. We choose to love and forgive--but does anything ever really get fixed? Not in my family at least. It's all silent treatment until you have to get along and then an appearance of fondness, followed by another big episode of unresolved issues that most avoid addressing because it might involved admitting they have been wrong. Such is this weird thing called human life.

[Leegh]

I have come to the mind that personality disorders are the norm and responsible, consistent, rational people the exception. I may not have said it in ideal phrasing but there is truth to it. Sooner or later some wackiness comes out of everyone (except my good self of course:p). We are not manufactured creatures where the assembly line gets most of us right. We're the products of random animal copulation which never involves a perfect pairing of gene sources. Then a genetic compositing process happens to ensure a unique individual but during gestation a host of variables is at work some of which decide our gender, others which effect our sexual orientation, and nothing is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. Then comes all the cockamamie superstitious junk your parents threaten your with eternal damnation with and you might find yourself in a religious prison i.e Catholic school or a madras or a yeshiva. Even if someone were to explain to you how nature really works from a practical standpoint--hierarchies, territorialism, dominance and submission, bullying, being bullied, mob dynamics etc, it's not something you can just burn into your head and have perfect emotional responses to as your number is called to face whatever comes along. Who is to say what a "well" psyche actually consists of. There are some miserable bastards who never figure anything out and procreate just the same--perpetuating miserable bastardhood to the detriment of innocent suckers just trying to live in some semblance of peace. I can't think of anyone that isn't compromised in some whacky regard. We choose to love and forgive--but does anything ever really get fixed? Not in my family at least. It's all silent treatment until you have to get along and then an appearance of fondness, followed by another big episode of unresolved issues that most avoid addressing because it might involved admitting they have been wrong. Such is this weird thing called human life.

Very well written!

[Emilia]

I would love to hear how others handle their exes PO.

I don't have kids so it's much easier for me to choose how much contact I have with my ex.

 

As soon as I learned more about his PD and l started to understand it, it has been quite easy for me not to get angry about it. I sort of see through it if that makes sense, I see the projecting and the reasons in his mind for the cutting comments so he doesn't get a rise out of me anymore. On the rare occasion that we have contact I noticed that as I don't participate in the fights and arguments anymore, he is calm and kind with me.

 

I do have the luxury however cutting off contact when I notice mood changes not to antagonise him further.

[HokeyReligions]

I don't believe in "personality disorders" I think that's an excuse for bad behaviour and a copout for accountability. And a way to attempt to get people to conform and submit to the control of another with support of the law. Too many people label others as having a personality disorder because the other person is an individual and is different.

 

If you take the whole PD krap out of it you are dealing with an ex who has a different view of parenting and whose children he can't see all the time. If he is abusive or a drunk then he could potentially harm

The kids then visits should be supervised. You are going to have to be civil and discuss parenting with him. That means listening to him and finding compromises too.

Edited June 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Emilia]

I don't believe in "personality disorders" I think that's an excuse for bad behaviour and a copout for accountability.

I think this is quite a unsympathetic, unfair and unrealistic view of people who have very real and legitimate reasons behind essentially stunted personality and brain development such as physical and sexual abuse in childhood or genetic pre-desposition. A lot of people suffer in adulthood from growing up in extremely adverse conditions as children and to judge them for something that they never had power over does not help their recovery the slightest. They usually need professional help.

 

Personality Disorders are also officially recognised by health professionals Personality disorder - Definition - NHS Choices so I'm not sure what you are basing your opinion on.

[Leegh]

I think people with PD know the difference between right and wrong. For example, if a PD was at a job interview odds are the PD would be very gracious and polite to the interviewer. Let's say the same PD then leaves the job interview and goes home to his wife; he may not treat his wife with the same kindness, good manners, etc. that he used at the job interview. I do believe people with PD have a harder time with life than others, but I do think "the ball is in their court" as to how they choose to behave, at least to some extent. Everyone has to take some accountability as to their actions, whether they have a PD disorder or not.

[Emilia]

I think people with PD know the difference between right and wrong. For example, if a PD was at a job interview odds are the PD would be very gracious and polite to the interviewer. Let's say the same PD then leaves the job interview and goes home to his wife; he may not treat his wife with the same kindness, good manners, etc. that he used at the job interview. I do believe people with PD have a harder time with life than others, but I do think "the ball is in their court" as to how they choose to behave, at least to some extent. Everyone has to take some accountability as to their actions, whether they have a PD disorder or not.

I'm not sure you understand the nature of PDs in general.

 

They are usually affected by intimate close personal relationships. A lof of BPD sufferers for example are able to hold down jobs in a stable manner because the dynamic at work does not affect their mental health as work issues do not threaten their sense of self and attachment issues. However they are not able to maintain stable close interpersonal relationships because of abandonment and other issues.

 

The reason for their erratic behaviour is that their emotions affect their cognition, ie how they see you and your world, their reality is very different from yours. They don't have a choice because their perception is deeply affected by childhood trauma and it doesn't allow them any level of rationality. They also suffer from extreme emotional responses such as splitting and disassociation.

[happywithlife]

Wow! No wonder people with mental health disorders feel persecuted! My ex has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist so when I say he has a PD its not just because we have a difficult time communicating or have different parenting styles. He also suffers from clinical depression and general anxiety disorder. And yes he has a past that includes abuse and family mental health issues.

 

He does have a severe alcohol problem. He drinks quite a bit every night (at least one bottle of wine) or else he is "too anxious and depressed." He is also on a cocktail of prescription medicines he shouldn't be mixing with alcohol.

 

And I left him because he was verbal and mentally abusive to both me and the kids. He was even getting physically abusive to the kids before leaving but he never left any marks so according to the courts its just hearsay that the physical abuse occurred. He is court mandated to visit his psychiatrist and he had to take a parenting class before being allowed to have the kids overnight. And, at this point I'm not looking to hear opinions as to whether or not he should see the kids. The only thing I can do is be watchful and take the proper legal steps if a situation arises.

 

I didn't post my question as a way to vent or whine. I wanted to know how other people have dealt with a similar situation. I'm not the only person who married someone one with a mental health disorder and found out that wasn't the best idea. Others have had to find ways to make the experience for their kids as positive as possible and that's what I would like to hear about.

 

I know its blunt, but if you want to discuss your beliefs regarding the validity of a mental health diagnosis please start another thread somewhere else. I am focused on my kids.

Edited June 26, 2013 by happywithlife

[mrs rubble]

My ex, sounds just like yours! I seperated 7 years ago when my youngest son was 7.

When I first seperated, my ex fought for custody, made up a whole lot of rubbish about me in order to try and "win", The courts allowed him unsupervised acsess and the stories and abuse continued towards my son doing terrible things to his fragile mind. He stopped seeing his dad 2 years ago and I've been dealing with him all on my own.

He is now 14 and exhibiting the same types of behaviours his dad does. It's been an absolute nightmare, I've spent the last 7 years fighting. For my sanity and for help for my son.

Some days things get overwhelming and I feel like I just can't cope.

Today is a particulary bad day, so probably not the best time to tell you how I do cope!

I do have a fantastic friend who helps, a job to keep my mind off it all and I went to a therapist for a while too.

 

Good luck!! You will need it.

[janedoe67]

My biggest question would be is he complying with treatment and and doing the work he needs to do to manage it. That is so key.

 

My husband has type I diabetes. If he follows doctor's orders, checks his sugar, eats properly, etc then it is manageable and you'd never know (unless you saw his pump ) BUT if he stopped monitoring, ate cheesecake all day, and didn't refill his insulin....it would affect him big time, and it would be dangerous for him to supervise kids.

 

Psychiatric disorders are the same way. Someone with a mental illness or personality disorder who is actively complying with treatment and monitoring themselves are safe and fine. But someone who doesn't manage themselves can be neglectful or dangerous.

 

And as far as "not believing in them" goes....I went to a church for a long time where that was the philosphy, and because of that I was afraid to see a doctor about my horrible post partem depression, and it was not a good thing. The stigma of a medical problem such as mental illness is a real shame. However, you ARE right that it is not an excuse for bad behavior...because it CAN be treated and controlled.

[happywithlife]

I don't know for sure if he's following his dr's orders, but if I had to guess I would say no. We were married for almost 11 years and he never followed his dr orders the entire time. Also, I can see the amount of alcohol he is drinking based on what he puts in his recycling. And, the drinking is against his dr orders.

 

He also lies about things - whether he gave the kids their medicine, whether the kids were sick at his place, whether he got them to school on time, etc.

 

I know that I will never change him. Just wish I could learn ways to make it safe and easy for the kids.

[Emilia]

Hello OP, would you be happy to disclose what your ex husband was diagnosed with exactly? It could help with getting more specific answers.