Just discovered my gf was cheating on me with friend...

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

Hello,

 

I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start.

 

I just discovered my gf of 2 1/2 years has been cheating on me with my friend of 5 years. She and I lived together for the past year and things had been up and down. Recently, she told me she didn't know what she wanted and that since our lease was up in a few months she was wondering whether or not we should stay together. I had recently taken on a new job and was thinking that I needed to spend more time with her. I told her to go out with friends and do what she needed to and that I would be there for her. This was a month and a half ago. She started going out to bars again and hanging out with her single friends. I had hoped she would miss me or just needed to get out some need to be social.

 

It was around this time one night that she didn't come home til 6 am. I asked her where she was and she said the afterparty at some bar my friend worked at. When I asked her who was there she drunkenly told me a list of local people I knew...something still felt weird, so I asked her again and she then added my friend's name to the group. I got a weird feeling but brushed it aside. As the weeks went on we grew more distant but I honestly thought that we could work these problems out. One night I came home and she had a few people over, including this friend. I had a feeling again but couldnt confirm. So one night I drove by this bar where he works and just he and her were in there together. The door was locked. I tapped on the glass and waved and stormed off.

 

She came home that night and went to sleep (we had been sleeping in the same bed). I stole her phone and went through it and saw what I had been dreading. She had been plotting with him to break off her relationship with me. She was calling him her love and saying she couldnt wait to be his gf. These texts dated back to right around when she said she didn't know what she wanted. I just thought I needed to work harder at being there, which I was. I had also helped her get her art work in some galleries and bought her repairs for her car and just genuinely tried to be a good bf.

 

They had also started seeing each other right around my 30th bday, which she had forgotten about and double booked an art gallery show for herself out of town. To spend time with her on my birthday, I brought my friends to her art show and it was miserable.

 

I confronted her and him and told them off and immediately moved out of our house (most of the stuff, bed included, was hers). Now I am essentially homeless, couch crashing with friends and feeling genuinely worthless.

 

She said she didn't mean what she said in those texts, but she also defended him. She said her rational was her telling me she didn't know what she wanted counted as a breakup to her. Still, this timeline of texts came a little before that.

 

I am going crazy wondering if they are actually going to start a relationship now..they essentially got caught before their plan to date secretly for a few months was underway..I feel so sad, mad, betrayed, lost and regretful.

 

This is a really small town we live in and this friend and I were very close. He, her and I collaborated on some local charity projects recently and I spent time at his house hanging out with him a week or two ago, while I now know he had been plotting with her how to sneak behind my back. Since I found all this out, she has already popped up and hung out with friends I see. This guy works with some of my best friends.

 

I don't know what to do. I am feeling gutted.

 

Sorry for the novel but if anyone has advice or input, I need it. I'm tired of being a broken record to my newly acquired "housemates."

 

I discovered this a few days ago.

[Balzac]

Embrace feeling gutted. It's going to be a rough road for awhile.

You did nothing to cause you to feel anything other than gutted.

 

Welcome to LS. Plenty of folks here have lived it and come out the other side whole.

[Balzac]

I had recently taken on a new job and was thinking that I needed to spend more time with her

 

It's a choice she made w/o communicating her needs to you. Beating yourself up isn't the answer.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

there's just so many things that suck about this other than having my heart being smashed.

 

I don't want to go to my old home even though I still need to get stuff cos Im afraid he will be there and honestly I don't know what I'd do if I saw him.

 

I bitched him out on the phone and he said he was truly sorry...but when I talked to people that he had talked to he spun it to make himself sound like the victim and swore nothing had happened til we were broken up. well surprise, i didn't know we were broken up, just thought it was one of those rough patches.

 

I also know this guy as a "drinking buddy" so obviously I've heard him talk about women/exes and it just drives me crazy knowing this skeeze is with my (until a month ago apparently) girl.

 

i have told myself i won't seek out violence but I feel if he approaches me, I would probably punch his lights out. I abhor violence, but I feel like he has pushed me to the brink. it also sucks to have my ex not seem to care about me at all and have this guy's back completely.

 

thanks for the quick reply. I appreciate it.

Edited June 26, 2013 by SMALLTOWNBLUES
grammar

[sayyes19]

there's just so many things that suck about this other than having my heart being smashed.

 

I don't want to go to my old home even though I still need to get stuff cos Im afraid he will be there and honestly I don't know what I'd do if I saw him.

 

I bitched him out on the phone and he said he was truly sorry...but when I talked to people that he had talked to he spun it to make himself sound like the victim and swore nothing had happened til we were broken up. well surprise, i didn't know we were broken up, just thought it was one of those rough patches.

 

I also know this guy as a "drinking buddy" so obviously I've heard him talk about women/exes and it just drives me crazy knowing this skeeze is with my (until a month ago apparently) girl.

 

i have told myself i won't seek out violence but I feel if he approaches me, I would probably punch his lights out. I abhor violence, but I feel like he has pushed me to the brink. it also sucks to have my ex not seem to care about me at all and have this guy's back completely.

 

thanks for the quick reply. I appreciate it.

I would never advocate beating someone up on a dating advice site, but he obviously doesn't respect you. In a small town that is going to make you feel small. My advice (if you don't want to go to jail) is to get away from that town no matter what your means. Obviously you need a means of living so maybe you can work something out with your current employer to give you a rep. If not buckle down and work your ass off until you can save enough to get away. You deserve better. I've seen your situation play out before and I feel bad for you bro.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

yea, that is not my style but he has kind of taken away a lot of things that mean the world to me....like my girl, my living situation and my sanity.

 

i'm not the type to fight and i would hate to be petty but I just feel like this guy can't just get away with the pain he's causing me.

 

def. going to try to take the high road. just don't know what i'd do if i saw him and since we all live within blocks of each other and run the same circles, it's just a matter of time til I see him, or her, or them....together.

 

sucks....

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

in the interest of not talking about getting revenge but sticking up for myself, what should I do about our house?

 

i moved out in a haste because most of the stuff is hers, but now I don't know when I can get my stuff or what rights I have to kick her out if I want to be there for a shower or something...

 

I'm still paying half the rent and there are still two months on this lease....that's about 1000$ im paying to be homeless...

 

should I just get all of my stuff and vacate and pay the rent or I should I demand to have one of the remaining months to myself?

 

Honestly, I left so she wouldnt leave the house to move in with him....it's been no contact since I found out and packed my car full of stuff.

 

Like I said, this is only a few days old, so I am just totally confused.

 

Thanks to all who have replied. Means a lot to my troubled mind.

[giblesp]

Hey, thought I'd post some advice as I've been getting some good stuff for my own issues.

 

I've been in the situation where my ex was banging someone behind my back, it was incredibly hurtful to say the least. I can relate to the state of confusion you might be in, I was a wreck for a while.

One thing that really helped me was to keep doing what it was I was doing. Kept getting up early, making efforts to keep moving ahead in my life. I could have taken some time out, but then you just end up staring at walls with each passing second seeming like an hour.

 

Everybody's going to say this to you, it does get better with time, and you'll realize that she wasn't the one for you. Right now though, its going to be a little painful. But you can help yourself by keeping practical. Speak to your ex on business terms, come to an arrangement. If she's going to be the sole occupier, she should pay the rent. Perhaps the man she has chosen to have sex with instead of you could help her, otherwise she must do it alone. This is fair.

 

If she does move out, then let her go man. There's only one thing you can do in this situation to retain your pride, dignity and make you very attractive to the world that is full of women. LET HER GO. Let her do what she wants. Get the flat to yourself if she leaves, pump out the music and get ready for the next lady in your life who'll be better than her. Make it clear to her that as she's left you, you're leaving her completely and are walking on by yourself. You don't need someone in your life that cheats, she doesn't meet the standards that you deserve, that you're looking for in a partner.

 

I understand that you might want to punch him out. What would be more effective is looking him in the eye and telling him he's not even worth a punch.

 

Best of luck man, take care of yourself and keep going in life, that magic day when this doesn't matter will come...

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

and her car was there.

 

Then it hit me. Why am I living out of my car and crashing on couches when she is shacking up with this jerk?

 

I am going to move back in and try to get things back to normal.

 

My only fear is that it will be too depressing....

 

Anyone ever kept the spot where their relationship pretty much ended???

 

I'm very sad but this has been replaced with some anger, which I think is good b/c I think I would be even more of a doormat if I let her keep our house for these last two months.

[Darren Steez]

in the interest of not talking about getting revenge but sticking up for myself, what should I do about our house?

 

i moved out in a haste because most of the stuff is hers, but now I don't know when I can get my stuff or what rights I have to kick her out if I want to be there for a shower or something...

 

I'm still paying half the rent and there are still two months on this lease....that's about 1000$ im paying to be homeless...

 

should I just get all of my stuff and vacate and pay the rent or I should I demand to have one of the remaining months to myself?

 

Honestly, I left so she wouldnt leave the house to move in with him....it's been no contact since I found out and packed my car full of stuff.

 

Like I said, this is only a few days old, so I am just totally confused.

 

Thanks to all who have replied. Means a lot to my troubled mind.

If you're name is on the lease and you're legally entitled to pay rent then moving out..no matter how high road is just silly..especially if you cant afford it.

 

Move back in. Crash on the couch or whatever, then get your things in order, start looking for a place of your own when the lease does expire. Makes no sense to sleep in your car or friends places if you're paying for the flat..especially if your ex friend can go there and do his thing, as sucky as that may be.

 

You dont have to talk to her, or be friendly. It's safe to say she's gone. Just use the rest of the time left to get your life in order for when you move out.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

basically distorting the timeline of when she considers that she broke up with me to alleviate herself from feeling like a cheater. she says all they did when we were together was mildly flirt and hang out. that she didnt do more until we were broken up....but considering that until i read her texts i didnt even know she saw the guy (outside of our associations) and that I thought we were just going through a rough patch, maybe going to break up, but not sure, I consider it cheating. even if it was like one kiss before whatever weird ass vague breakup talk we had, it was def emotional cheating.

 

it was full of half hearted excusatory apologies for how horribly she treated me during our relationship but basically was saying sorry i've transitioned so soon out of our relationship and that i fell for one of your oldest friends, but i'm here if you want to talk to me. "he and I both feel horrible, blah blah blah"

 

i feel like it will drive her crazy if i dont right back cos she just wants closure to let her not feel bad for what shes done.

 

i want to write back and blast her but i know no contact is best. right?

 

hopefully shes gone and i can move back in after the weekend....

what a coldhearted B**TCH

[Imajerk17]

I am sorry to read this thread man. Meanwhile don't give her the satisfaction of a response. Let her wonder.

 

I have a few questions for you in the meanwhile.

 

1. You mentioned "accusatory" apologies. Did she try to put any blame on this onto you, and if so, how?

 

2. Do you have any friends whom you can turn to? That would suck if this woman keeps showing up in your social circle.

 

3. Meanwhile, is getting the hell outta Dodge and starting a new life somewhere else out of the question? Sounds to me like you need to shake the dust of that small town and start afresh somewhere else.

Edited June 27, 2013 by Imajerk17

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

Seriously everyone, thanks for commenting. I need to hear any and everything I can and all of these words of encouragement, advice, and motivation are good to fill my brain with instead of some of the unpleasant imagery (the texts I read, driving by the house and seeing the cars, the lame email she sent me to half apologize). Havent slept but 2-3 hours in 6 days. Feel crazier than I should!

 

To answer some questions and to get some thoughts on these answers:

 

ImaJerk, she is DEF in my social circle. If anything she picked a sort of bizarro me, cos he was a friend and we are into all of the same damn things. i'm sure he's playing her records that I'd played her before and she didn't care about but loves now...we love going to see live music and there's just this list of shows in Sept of some of my favorite bands that i'm now dreading cos I know they two both love the bands and will be there. I don't know where I'll be in two months mentally but seeing them as a couple would be too weird.

 

She was putting some blame on me because early on (2 years ago) in our relationship I did some road trip travelling with a friend girl, (not a gf) who I had awkwardly hooked up once before I got with my now ex (hence the realization we were def not into each other). On said road trip, I did not do anything with the girl, but my ex believes that I cheated. I didn't, otherwise I wouldnt be posting on this thread. I'd just take the what goes around, comes around approach. In her email she said I poisoned the relationship early on and that she became a bad person because my road trip drove her insane and she couldn't trust me. Meanwhile I've been super trustworthy b/c I felt bad that she even had an issue with the roadtrip at all and just doubled down on being solid, which she said she was aware of but "it was too late."

 

Over the last 2 1/2 years, she has used this road trip as an excuse when drunk to break most of my personal belongings, bashed my car windshield out, beat me up countless times and I stayed with her like an idiot. Admittedly, she is hot and she is really funny and her good looks and a sense of humor did it for me. I saw how good of a person she was to other people, she just resented me so much and I thought she'd come around.

 

So the recent email said, sorry I have moved on from our relationship so quickly (I found out she had been seeing my friend for a month and some change 6 days ago). She apologized but then proceeded to tell how she fell for this guy and it just read like, you were a good bf, but I wanted to go out and be single and I instantly started hanging out & became attracted to your friend. tried to fight it but i couldnt. sorry for how this ended. we both feel horrible. (yeah meanwhile they are free to screw and do whatever they want...)

 

then she said the texts I saw were "playful" to her but she could see how they'd be hurtful to me. the texts said things like "he will never touch me again, I promise my love" and "I can't wait to be your gf". Meanwhile, I wasn't even sure we were over.

 

yes, I have good friends and since they are mutual some of them have sided with me, some of them are neutral, some are caught in the middle (im friends with the roomie of the guy where my ex is now living).

 

it's bad enough to get broken up with this way, it's even worse that she had to pick someone so close to my day to day lifestyle of people I see.

 

and yes, this town is small and I think i will leave if they either A) dont break up in a few months and I have to accept they are a couple instead of a fling or B) if I dont end up meeting someone....which is honestly not on my mind, couldnt be even if I wanted it to.

 

talking to friends makes me realize how much she sucks, and ive thought about all the mistakes I'd made....Still don't think I deserved this.

 

also, i'm trying to go no contact and her dad was acting as a liaison with bills and rent but i'm convinced she's gonna twist stories and i'm gonna get screwed. if anything her dad may just drop out of middle man status and make me have to deal with her....which would suck.

 

Sorry for the novel!!! Thanks for reading....

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

one thing that bothers me is my friend was a buddy who I'd talk to when we had our lows (as he would to me.) so he was armed with all of this information that def. gave him an advantage. that kills me.

 

also, the last two boyfriends before me she put restraining orders on.

 

typing all this stuff DOES make me realize i dodged a bullet....but a knife in the back still hurts as much.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I think you may have dodged a bullet here. Look at it this way: what if she cheated on you and ran off with another man while you were married? Divorce laws favor women here so she would get everything anyway (including alimony).

 

A similar situation happened to the girl that I'm currently dating. Her ex-boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her with her best friend and made her pregnant. As it happens in so many cases, he ended up cheating on the friend now and is now with another woman and doesn't pay child support (so my girl actually dodged a bullet, much like you did).

 

But my girl now has SERIOUS trust issues. If I spend too long at the grocery store, she hints at the possibility of me cheating.

 

My best advice would be to not take this situation out on the next girl, as hard as that will be.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

one thing that bothers me is my friend was a buddy who I'd talk to when we had our lows (as he would to me.) so he was armed with all of this information that def. gave him an advantage. that kills me.

 

also, the last two boyfriends before me she put restraining orders on.

 

typing all this stuff DOES make me realize i dodged a bullet ....but a knife in the back still hurts as much.

 

Haha! I typed my last post without reading this one or the other responses. Guess I'm not the only one that feels that way.

 

Anyway, yes, it's unfortunate that loyalty has gone out the window. Experience has taught me to be cautious around my guy friends when it comes to women. Most will be ruthless about it.

 

As far as that girl, she sounds like she might have a personality disorder. Restraining order on TWO boyfriends? Yes, that's pretty crazy. Completely cut off contact with her, not even because she cheated, but because she's probably a psycho.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

the only thing I can think that is of little comfort it is that I don't know statistics and there always exceptions to the rule, but I don't see how a relationship forged off of cheating and sneaking around and mutually screwing a friend/bf over can lead to a lasting, healthy relationship. maybe im wrong. maybe they will get married or stay together. but i know him and he's a morose narcissist and she's cool at first but once you cross her she's crazy. so i'm trying to see it from the "they deserve each other angle" but it's still too fresh to not think of the things I couldve maybe changed. i know its pointless but im trying to keep my head up.

 

everyone on this thread is giving me some perspective. it's still a bummer but i'm focusing on these replies.

[Negative Nancy]

But my girl now has SERIOUS trust issues. If I spend too long at the grocery store, she hints at the possibility of me cheating.

 

Sounds very familiar.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

Over the last 2 1/2 years, she has used this road trip as an excuse when drunk to break most of my personal belongings, bashed my car windshield out, beat me up countless times and I stayed with her like an idiot. Admittedly, she is hot and she is really funny and her good looks and a sense of humor did it for me. I saw how good of a person she was to other people, she just resented me so much and I thought she'd come around.

 

 

and yes, this town is small and I think i will leave if they either A) dont break up in a few months and I have to accept they are a couple instead of a fling or B) if I dont end up meeting someone....which is honestly not on my mind, couldnt be even if I wanted it to.

 

 

Dude, if she gets drunk and smashes all of your personal stuff, that's messed up! And if she was beating on you, then count your blessing. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE HIT BY ANYONE! That is NOT love.

 

Don't respond to anything she writes or texts you. She feels guilty and she's looking at you to ease that guilt. Let her keep it all. If you respond and blast her, she can turn around and say to herself, " WOW! I guess I made the right choice because he's acting like an asshat! " you just gave her permission to forgive herself for cheating so don't do it.

 

And I would just move. I HATE small towns anyways. In small towns, you're gonna run into them again, or people are gonna talk about them, or they're going to show up at an event together. You don't need to see that.

 

So, if it were me, I would pack up and go! There's a big world outside of that small little town. Go see it! Settle in a bigger place close to a beach and palm tree's!

[Tinie]

Pfft thank the lucky stars 1000 times over that you're no longer with this sack of sh-.

 

Girls like her are a dime a dozen. Maybe she gets too many complements from guys on her good looks and it got to her head and she thought it would be ok to go banging half the continent or whatever. Who knows.

 

And no a relationship based off cheating is not healthy. Considering he's also a narcissist, there's nothing healthy about that. It seems like a romantic thing right now because it was daring, secretive and exciting, but once they start going out, there will be only unhappiness. Their relationship will probably be toxic and diseased. They both sound like bad people, and I really don't think bad people know the meaning of happiness.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

it has been really rough the first week but it has reinforced that I have awesome friends who have been giving me a great support system to lean on.

 

i'm cutting out booze if i can help it. i'm a bartender, so I'm around it a lot.

at least for a month or so...so my perspective isn't clouded.

gonna try all that cliche stuff, go to the gym, get my life right.

 

was wondering if anyone whose gone through a breakup in this day and age deletes their facebook, if only for a little while? with all the mutual friends involved, I think if i see pictures of them having fun that would bum me out. i unfriended them already but we are all in the same circles.

 

thoughts?

 

as far as moving away....i may give it a shot but I have some good jobs here and no money saved up. maybe i'll start putting some money away now that I dont have to worry about someone else....

[JustAReformedGirl]

I've seen quite a few people deactivate their social media-temporarily and permanently-after a bad break up. If you need to avoid FB for a little while, that is completely understandable. I imagine you're doing so not just because of your now ex and supposed friend (you could block both of them), but to avoid some of the awkward questions and sympathies from other people.

 

It's going to be a rough road for awhile. Did you manage to move back in to your place? If she's shacked up with this "friend", take back what's yours. You shouldn't be the one living out of your car, or on other people's couches.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, either; you trusted her because you loved her, and wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt. She betrayed that trust. Her half-baked apologies and excuses don't even come close to justifying what she's done. If she had broken up with you thoroughly, I would think differently. But she was not clear on the matter; she didn't make it seem official. She made it seem like she was only "thinking" about breaking up.

 

Allow yourself to grieve; don't stifle it. You'll heal quicker if you let yourself express and accept the emotions roiling through you.

 

Try to keep yourself busy with hobbies, friends, and other activities that you can use as an outlet.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

I appreciate all of these comments.

 

Trying to move back in in a week.....talking with her dad and landlord tomorrow. Worried I'm going to get sacked with a 1000$ in rent for last two months now if she breaks lease. By me kicking her out, she can say that she isn't allowed to live there, so why should she pay rent. Her dad may be cool and pay it to keep the peace but if not she really is the worst person I know.

 

we will see....

[JustAReformedGirl]

I appreciate all of these comments.

 

Trying to move back in in a week.....talking with her dad and landlord tomorrow. Worried I'm going to get sacked with a 1000$ in rent for last two months now if she breaks lease. By me kicking her out, she can say that she isn't allowed to live there, so why should she pay rent. Her dad may be cool and pay it to keep the peace but if not she really is the worst person I know.

 

we will see....

 

Best of luck! I hope you're able to move back in with little-to-no complications.

[TG1]

Hello,

 

I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start.

 

I just discovered my gf of 2 1/2 years has been cheating on me with my friend of 5 years. She and I lived together for the past year and things had been up and down. Recently, she told me she didn't know what she wanted and that since our lease was up in a few months she was wondering whether or not we should stay together. I had recently taken on a new job and was thinking that I needed to spend more time with her. I told her to go out with friends and do what she needed to and that I would be there for her. This was a month and a half ago. She started going out to bars again and hanging out with her single friends. I had hoped she would miss me or just needed to get out some need to be social.

 

It was around this time one night that she didn't come home til 6 am. I asked her where she was and she said the afterparty at some bar my friend worked at. When I asked her who was there she drunkenly told me a list of local people I knew...something still felt weird, so I asked her again and she then added my friend's name to the group. I got a weird feeling but brushed it aside. As the weeks went on we grew more distant but I honestly thought that we could work these problems out. One night I came home and she had a few people over, including this friend. I had a feeling again but couldnt confirm. So one night I drove by this bar where he works and just he and her were in there together. The door was locked. I tapped on the glass and waved and stormed off.

 

She came home that night and went to sleep (we had been sleeping in the same bed). I stole her phone and went through it and saw what I had been dreading. She had been plotting with him to break off her relationship with me. She was calling him her love and saying she couldnt wait to be his gf. These texts dated back to right around when she said she didn't know what she wanted. I just thought I needed to work harder at being there, which I was. I had also helped her get her art work in some galleries and bought her repairs for her car and just genuinely tried to be a good bf.

 

They had also started seeing each other right around my 30th bday, which she had forgotten about and double booked an art gallery show for herself out of town. To spend time with her on my birthday, I brought my friends to her art show and it was miserable.

 

I confronted her and him and told them off and immediately moved out of our house (most of the stuff, bed included, was hers). Now I am essentially homeless, couch crashing with friends and feeling genuinely worthless.

 

She said she didn't mean what she said in those texts, but she also defended him. She said her rational was her telling me she didn't know what she wanted counted as a breakup to her. Still, this timeline of texts came a little before that.

 

I am going crazy wondering if they are actually going to start a relationship now..they essentially got caught before their plan to date secretly for a few months was underway..I feel so sad, mad, betrayed, lost and regretful.

 

This is a really small town we live in and this friend and I were very close. He, her and I collaborated on some local charity projects recently and I spent time at his house hanging out with him a week or two ago, while I now know he had been plotting with her how to sneak behind my back. Since I found all this out, she has already popped up and hung out with friends I see. This guy works with some of my best friends.

 

I don't know what to do. I am feeling gutted.

 

Sorry for the novel but if anyone has advice or input, I need it. I'm tired of being a broken record to my newly acquired "housemates."

 

I discovered this a few days ago.

 

 

Bro cut your losses and move on man, find a new girl, a new girl that is certainly worthy of you and then in time she will realize her mistake and when she does and she all of a sudden wants you back, you can tell her to go to you know where