Just discovered my gf was cheating on me with friend...

[Space Ritual]

one thing that bothers me is my friend was a buddy who I'd talk to when we had our lows (as he would to me.) so he was armed with all of this information that def. gave him an advantage. that kills me.

 

also, the last two boyfriends before me she put restraining orders on.

 

typing all this stuff DOES make me realize i dodged a bullet....but a knife in the back still hurts as much.

 

You dodged a bullet of massive proportions, young man.....

 

Look at what you just wrote.....especially about her last 2 boyfriends. I suggest you have as little contact with her as possible as her track record would indicate the very real possibility of her trying to charge you with assault or D.V. if you are alone with her at this point...I would bet you would also find out infidelity was involved in both of those breakups...

 

Basically you would do yourself a world of good to just cut your losses and move in a new direction. Yeah it sucks but you don't need friends like that but also keep in mind that your now ex made the decision to cheat so it could have been with your friend or literally anyone else that struck her fancy.

 

Don't even think about physical revenge on your former friend it's not worth it...Take it from me, I was THAT guy 25 years ago that took the opportunity to kick some ass and while it felt very exilhirating the following 3 years I had a lot of time to think about it because I was sitting my ass in jail...lol

[TG1]

You dodged a bullet of massive proportions, young man.....

 

Look at what you just wrote.....especially about her last 2 boyfriends. I suggest you have as little contact with her as possible as her track record would indicate the very real possibility of her trying to charge you with assault or D.V. if you are alone with her at this point...I would bet you would also find out infidelity was involved in both of those breakups...

 

Basically you would do yourself a world of good to just cut your losses and move in a new direction. Yeah it sucks but you don't need friends like that but also keep in mind that your now ex made the decision to cheat so it could have been with your friend or literally anyone else that struck her fancy.

 

Don't even think about physical revenge on your former friend it's not worth it...Take it from me, I was THAT guy 25 years ago that took the opportunity to kick some ass and while it felt very exilhirating the following 3 years I had a lot of time to think about it because I was sitting my ass in jail...lol

 

Yes move on from her man. You would do yourself a world of good by doing so and you need to end your friendship with that guy who calls himself your friend. Let them have each other and move on with a new girl certainly a girl who is worthy of you and who won't cheat on you like how she did. If you are still in love with her even after she cheated then I can understand but you need to realize that if she wants you back and you take her back then in all likelihood she could do it to you again so I urge you man to move on and cut your losses fast because you will be much better off without her or your friend in your life.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

It's just tough cos it's weird that if you had asked me 9 days ago about my relationship I would say it's up and down but we can work it out....then to find out she's already in a relationship with guy. It's weird that it wasn't like a "I accidentally hooked up with your friend, I'm so sorry..." It's more like, (once caught), "I'm going to be your friends gf now and move in with him"....so strange.

 

I know I'm better off and am trying to pick up the pieces. It's the reason why I chose this handle though....it's way too small of a town. Her new "bf" works with my best friend at my favorite neighborhood restaurant. There is a month of great concerts at tiny venues coming up and I know they will be there.

 

I love my jobs though and my friends have been great. It's just weird that my whole life got rocked. It's almost like invasion of the body snatchers!

 

anyways, this thread really has been helpful....every day I get a new feeling. The overall is I dodged a bullet, but I miss her. I mean, 3 years just ended so abruptly to me. Wish she had of kept her legs and heart closed before she ditched me. I just don't know how to heal while potentially having to watch them take their first steps as a couple. Hoping its a rebound relationship that fizzles fast but since her and I knew the guy for years, it's almost like they can skip the getting to know you thing and just jump right into comfy relationship mode. so WEIRD!!!!

Edited July 2, 2013 by SMALLTOWNBLUES

[TG1]

It's just tough cos it's weird that if you had asked me 9 days ago about my relationship I would say it's up and down but we can work it out....then to find out she's already in a relationship with guy. It's weird that it wasn't like a "I accidentally hooked up with your friend, I'm so sorry..." It's more like, (once caught), "I'm going to be your friends gf now and move in with him"....so strange.

 

I know I'm better off and am trying to pick up the pieces. It's the reason why I chose this handle though....it's way too small of a town. Her new "bf" works with my best friend at my favorite neighborhood restaurant. There is a month of great concerts at tiny venues coming up and I know they will be there.

 

I love my jobs though and my friends have been great. It's just weird that my whole life got rocked. It's almost like invasion of the body snatchers!

 

anyways, this thread really has been helpful....every day I get a new feeling. The overall is I dodged a bullet, but I miss her. I mean, 3 years just ended so abruptly to me. Wish she had of kept her legs and heart closed before she ditched me. I just don't know how to heal while potentially having to watch them take their first steps as a couple. Hoping its a rebound relationship that fizzles fast but since her and I knew the guy for years, it's almost like they can skip the getting to know you thing and just jump right into comfy relationship mode. so WEIRD!!!!

 

I would say move on, get yourself out there with a new girl and find a new girl please find a new girl man and trust me as soon as you do believe me when she sees you with this new girl and she sees how happy you are with her then if her relationship fizzles out fast and she realizes she wants you back then she will regret what she did by having to watch you move on with a new girl and it would be karma

[Chi townD]

I still say save up a nest egg and move out to either coast. You're a bartender and you can probably get a job anywhere that has a resort. I say get out of the small towns and enjoy the world. Make a plan, do the research, price the real estate, look for job openings in the area that you've choosen, find out the average salary median in the area, see if that would be "do-able".

 

Being in a small town guarantee's that you're going to see them together and that's going to hurt. If she vindictive (and it sounds like she is going to be) she's going to rub your nose in her new relationship and tell you to "get over it" with a smirk on her face. Why would she do that? Because you're not playing by her rules, you're not forgiving her. You're not listening to her. You're ignoring her. So, she'll probably be out to hurt you even more once she stops feeling guilty about it.

 

I say get motivated and get excited about starting a new life. Look, I know it would be a big leap and it's a little scary, but I think your life would be so much better if you got the hell out of there. And don't think that you're running away. You're just moving on.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

I'm gonna start saving. I'll get out of here and see what I can do.

 

In the meantime, it's gonna be tough. I'll just have to drop off the radar...

[Chi townD]

Smart move, dude. Yeah, don't worry about trying to go to these small venue concerts and stuff. That's taking away money from you to get to the Florida Keys! (I say the Florida Keys because on Key West alone, there is over 50 bars on that tiny island! Not to mention resturants! And there's also Key Largo, Big Pine Key, Marathon, Islamorada which all have bars and pubs and plenty of locals and tourists!)

 

Just lay low, I would also suggest that you DO NOT tell people of your plans. Small towns talk a lot, and if word gets back to her that you're planning your escape to paradise, she'll probably bug the hell out of you.

 

Once you get you nest egg together, inquired about apartments, thrown out some resume's out there, save for your gas and food, then maybe about a week to two weeks before you leave, let people know. But, also asked them not to say anything to your Ex or your Ex friend about it. You just want to get the hell out of there.

[BeholdtheMan]

I discovered this a few days ago.

Two bits of advice...

 

1. Maintain no contact. Give her the cold face. Do not under any circumstances take her back if she comes crawling back to you. To do so would completely undermine your manhood.

 

2. Do not let her squeeze you out of your social circles. If she's gonna show up to events with mutual events, don't let her prevent you from showing up. She's the one who should be ashamed. If she doesn't mind the awkwardness, you shouldn't either. Don't cower from her. You've done nothing wrong.

[Betterthanthis13]

The advice of moving to the beach isnt bad

 

After my last breakup (really long term relationship and also in a small town- we didnt break up because of cheating but the running into each other thing-ugh!! I feel your pain, really sucks) I came down to Florida not really with any plan in mind just to get away. I'm still here 7 years later.

 

Not that it's all great all the time but the sunny weather, palm trees and ocean really help with depression. It's a transient state so there are a LOT of weird people here just passing through and partying vacationers but I'm used to that now and I've made some good friends who are permanent locals.

 

Although my current (ex?) boyfriend/ that delusional guy living in my house is the one relationship I've had down here and he recently decided he is a sex addict. Sooooo.....maybe try California??

 

Anyway I hope each day that passes gets a little bit easier and easier until one day she is nothing but a distant memory and her absence in your life creates the space for a girl you are truly grateful for who makes you laugh, not cry, deserves your time and affection and reciprocates with honesty, loyalty and devotion.

[Chi townD]

Sooooo.....maybe try California??

 

 

Nah, California is WAY TOO EXPENSIVE! If you think Florida has weird people, well, so does California! Take a walk down Hollywood Blvd sometime! I still say the Keys. He could get a descent one bedroom apartment in Key Largo with full utilities and water for $1000 a month.

 

LOL!!! I can't believe we're telling this guy where to move!

Edited July 3, 2013 by Chi townD

[Betterthanthis13]

Fl Keys 1 br for under $1000?? Per week maybe. Or if you don't care about things like having a kitchen or a toilet or a roof. Roofs are useful with these dang hurricanes.

 

Hahahahaha I went out to LA a few times when I was younger- Hollywood Blvd is a trip! I was there once with my brother, and this guy wearing a full knight costume and chain mail but ALSO wearing a full face of pretty makeup was telling us a story about how his magical cat left his apartment at night while he was sleeping to solve crimes an that's why it was always super hungry and cranky in the mornings.

 

Although Fantasy Fest in Key West will give Hollywood Blvd a run for the money any day. I've never been but I've heard the war stories and seen pics. Lol

 

Ok this is a threadjack of epic proportions sorry!!

[Chi townD]

I'm cool with the threadjack if this gets him motivated to move out of the situation his in and look forward to something awesome!

 

And I found one in a matter of minutes of looking. Here:

 

Key Largo, 1/1 Apt for Rent. MM103

 

Not the best looking in the world, but habitable and right on the canal!

 

or for a nicer place on Key West for $270 more (although smaller in square footage) is here:

 

http://www.trulia.com/rental-community/9000040487/Ocean-Walk-3900-S-Roosevelt-Blvd-Key-West-FL-33040/#photo-9

 

I've heard about Fantasy Fest! I would LOVE to check it out! That's one of two events that I've wanted to checkout. Fantasy Fest and Burning Man!

Edited July 3, 2013 by Chi townD

[Betterthanthis13]

The trulia one is probably real im pretty sure those are all active MLS listings but I'm skeptical of anything on CL- real estate agents post ridiculous things on there so you will just call them. I just moved into a rental 2 months ago and it was a bitch finding anything under $1500 that was inhabitable. Plus we are in hurricane season. And it's really sticky hot here right now. So I recommend waiting till about November if you are interested in pretty beaches, NY retirees, flat land, alligators, spring breakers, Cuban music, street signs in Spanish, and pink houses.

 

Instead of the beach you could choose your adventure a different way- I did some research for you. Here's the top 10 cities in the world with more women than men

 

Top 10: Cities Where Women Outnumber Men - AskMen

 

 

I heard there's a couch surfing website you can use for pretty much free travel, and CL has a section in For Rent where people rent out furnished rooms for around $500 a month with no lease. You have bartending skills so you are good to go. Get packing!

[Chi townD]

Or if moving is out of the question (at least for a while) then he could save up and backpack through Europe! And he can do that rather cheap! I went through Spain and France and I stayed in Hostels along the way. The usually run about 15 Euro's which is about 20 American and a lot include a meal. I was also impressed with Spanish wine!

 

Just a nice way to get away and decompress and detach.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

Honestly, Im just honored and grateful that people here would be so forthcoming with actual ideas seeing as how currently I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

 

I had a plan and a path and if you'd asked me my five year plan it wouldve involved marrying this girl....I miss her but I know we could never get back together. The level of betrayal and denial on her behalf is too much to get back into. I can't believe that if I had not seen her texts, she wouldve lived with me in that house for two months while sneaking behind my back.

 

As it stands now, the house is empty and she is gone but I went by there yesterday and it just struck a nerve. Im gonna wait til after July 4th and gather my bearings a bit.

 

I already decided I won't let her keep me from going places but if they try to approach me im just gonna stare at them with NO expression or words.

 

I keep bouncing between sadness, anger and relief. Such a weird mixture.

 

Thanks to everyone....I've needed these words from you all....

 

Also a couple of trips abroad or out of town are in the works....need to see other things to keep myself from the doldrums.

[aliveagain]

Friend,

 

Just look at how she ended it. That is not how someone worth morning ends a relationship, don't waste any more energy on the cheater. You miss the memory of who you thought she was, the truth is what your former friend is now stuck with, a lying, backstabbing cheater. That's what your small town knows, she is easy, available and her word means s**t. You dodged a bullet.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

yeah, i accidentally broke NC today but not really. was sending a text to another friend with a similar area code and sent it to her out of habit from typing in the same keys. She just texted back "What does this text mean?" I texted back "Wrong Person." I almost had a panic attack!

 

Yeah she sucks and yes I am mourning who I knew in the beginning, not who I know now.

 

I'm accepting more each day that we weren't a match. I think if her and this dude didn't work out, it'd speed up my recovery quickly..just because the cheating and sneaking behind my back to be a couple is what hurts most, that she already had someone lined up, and I'd be lying if it didn't hurt that she was in a place to have sex with someone else, esp my "friend". Still, I know now WE weren't meant to be together...but I can't keep my ear to the ground waiting to hear what happens to them....I might hear something I dont like.

 

So I'm just trying to pick myself up and be nice to myself. Staying busy, not trying to get too bummed.

 

I put in a lot of work for her though. I'm gonna start putting in some for myself.

 

I just wish she wasn't such a bitch hahaha

Edited July 4, 2013 by SMALLTOWNBLUES

[Chi townD]

Dude, you just got to start looking forward to a life without her. You need to sit down and work out long term goals for yourself. Whether that be school, or trips in, out and around the country or even a move out of the area that you're currently in.

 

I mean, I had a little fun looking up those apartments for you because I got a little excited about the possibilities that you have in front of you. You literally have the world at your fingertips!

 

So, time to get motivated!

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

It's just that it's 4th of July and she's gonna be watching the fireworks with him, not me. Give me a break, haha, it's only been a week and a half.

 

If it makes you feel better and know that you are getting through to me, I arranged to do merchandise for my friend's band on their tour that will take me from Seattle and all of Cali to Arizona. I'm from NC! The State not the acronym. And I'm looking at a trip to visit friends in NYC too.

 

I also asked a girl I've had a crush on for ages to go out to dinner with me next week, but she knows my lot and she herself is recovering from a break up. (She's further ahead then I am). We are gonna be friends for a while, but we have some underlying chemistry that is undeniable.

 

So I'm trying.....it's just been that cliche week of going from anger to sadness to relief to only thinking of the good to only thinking of the bad.

 

It's just the festive nature of today isn't really vibing with my situation.

 

I'll get there tho. Trust me, if she ditched me to have fun, I want to have twice as much as her. Esp. since she went straight into another relationship. I'm gonna be single and hanging for a while. Just got to lick my wounds til they heal.

[Betterthanthis13]

Hang in there, you're doing great! Happy 4th of July!

 

Soldiers fought for our country so we could be free and that's what the fireworks are really about. So lets take a twist on that--Try to get a tiny bit of enjoyment from the thought that you are "free" because you have a clear conscience. They are not free because they are deceitful and immoral, their minds are cluttered because they just started a new relationship by causing pain and betraying someone they claimed to care about. They have a black cloud over them no matter how happy they think they are right now. Karma will come around in time. You are on the right path and will be better and stronger for all this.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Betterthanthis13
Typo

[bubbaganoosh]

The girl vandalizes your car. Beats you up knowing that being a man you won't fight back and knock her on her a$$ which someday with the temper she displays, it will happen. She cheats on you with your good friend so what is there to consider? For Gods sake man, is that what your looking for in a relationship? To have your property smashed and a ass kicking for good measure? Man, I don't know where you go looking for women but where ever it is, find another place! I've been around the block more than most of the people who post or reply on this site. I'm 65 years old and have learned a lot of things through the years being married twice and divorced and one of the things I have seen all too often is that a lot of people would rather be in a relationship that is either with the wrong person from the get go or with someone who you just flat out don't love any longer and refuse to end it and why? Because some people would rather hang on to a relationship that is completely dead or near death rather than going solo and being on your own. I did both. Been in a two marriages that withered up like a grape on a vine and be single for the last 17 years and I would rather be by myself and happy than be with someone who makes my life miserable. Get away from this train wreck of a girl, get your act together and the right one will come along. Maybe if she comes along a good piece of advice is to take notice of her from the neck up rather than the neck down.

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

You're absolutely right. I'm just coming to terms with the end of something that started so well. The middle was horrible....so yeah, I hear ya and everyone else is right too.

 

Believe me, once I get over being all sour that she picked a friend of mine (who I always never really trusted the way they looked at each other, so I kind of subconsciously had a fear of this) and my fragile male ego, I think I'll be so much better off.

 

It's only been two weeks. Once I'm out of that house and don't have to deal with her anymore in any way, I think I'll be on the road to recovery.

 

I just get bummed out thinking that she has this exciting and new sex life while i'm gonna have to relearn how to get good in the sack again! haha...(she never really wanted to have sex with me towards the end, she said during breakup it was b/c she resented me b/c of all we'd been through.) who knows? maybe it got boring? maybe I'm not a Don Juan and need some work? (I give what I get) Whatever the reason, now I'm sleeping alone and am not confident in my skills. I got to pick my self esteem up before that returns I think.

[Betterthanthis13]

It's not your fault and you didn't deserve this.

 

Being cheated on, betrayed and lied to like this feels like being stabbed in the soul- it's a unique, torturous kind of pain and it takes time to heal. Some days are better than others. All you can do is take steps in the right direction, be kind to yourself, and time will take care of the rest. You can't fix this in one day and nobody expects you to.

 

You did not cause her to cheat, SHE made that choice. I'm sure your sex skills are just fine. That was a ****ty thing to say on her part, she was just trying to justify her own slimy cheating at the time, although you didn't know it.

 

Her choice to cheat was not your fault no matter how awful or boring or crazy your relationship was. It doesn't matter. If you make a commitment to someone and you want out, you INFORM them the relationship is over before sexing a new person. Her behavior was despicable and can not be justified. Not your fault nope no way.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Betterthanthis13
Can't type on my phone

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

So I talked to the landlord today to get the pet deposit waived but the landlord said I had to talk to my ex.

 

So I texted her and it was all business and then she said, I miss you. I'm sorry. This is all a mistake. I think about you all the time.

 

So I play into it a little bit and let her have it, tell her how much she f***d up and about all my awesome plans, then she starts to get all jealous.

 

I DID get to tell her that her new guy has already lied to her, as he hooked up with his ex while he was sneaking around my back with her (I know this but never thought to tell her til I pieced together the timeline of them). She was hurt and I was happy.

 

Then I F***KED up. I asked her if the sex was better. She wouldnt say. I knew that meant it was. She said our relationship was so bad towards the end that attention from anyone was better than what we going.

 

She says shes not with the guy or is unsure about it and she moved in with her parents.....

 

She also said if we could be friends she'd cut off all contact with him.

 

She also informed me she slept with a beautiful woman since this has happened! WTF!!!!

 

She is saying all this stuff about loving me and that I should go get laid too and maybe we can meet up one day.

 

My mind is blown.

 

I also feel distanced enough to say, whatever and leave her be. This chick is crazy. I just wish I was getting that laid!!!

 

(also worth mentioning during all this texting, the awesome girl I've always had a crush on and I had a 30 min phone conversation about our date next Sat) Im just too involved in this shipwreck of a relationship to think that I can be anything but a headcase if I jump to this relationship. Part of me thinks I need to get laid a lot, but I'm not a player. women can get laid anytime, anywhere. guys have to work for it and my heart is all taped together with silly string right now.)

 

so now ummmm talk me out of bad decisions hahaha

Edited July 6, 2013 by SMALLTOWNBLUES

[SMALLTOWNBLUES]

we are still texting but im so over it its awesome. shes all fu**ed up in the head and im really happy about where I can go with my life now.

 

I was telling her about what im up to and its obvious that being single is going to make me available to do awesome stuff....

 

she is super jealous and i am not caring at all....whenever she tries to make me feel bad, I just say, well "Im not the one who dumped you and screwed you friend, so you have yourself to blame." then she shuts up.

 

im being petty tonight but also this is a good way for me to see outside of our relationship and yeah, she hurt me bad and VERY RECENTLY too I may add, but Im actually excited about being single and not having to answer to this trainwreck anymore.

 

I will keep you all posted tho! At the moment, my will is strong but if she showed up itd be weird and id be back at the beginning!

 

I can def say I wouldnt be half as strong in these convos if it werent for all of you, so thanks so much. you all really saved me and showed me some perspective!!!