My girlfriend staying at her guy "friend's" place

[Jealous1]

*** I'm very sorry about the formatting. I typed this in wordpad, and it seems to automatically add line breaks and I don't know how to get rid of them! I tried Word to no avail... I'll be more careful next time. ***

 

 

Hi all,

 

I'm a noob, first post here. I know it's usually standard practice to lurk around a

 

bit when one first arrives at a new forum, but I need some relief fast. Anyone got

 

any Tums? ;-)

 

The situation I have with my girlfriend has been troubling me all week, and I was

 

wondering if anyone could either comfort me because I'm out of my tree, or tell me

 

that the warning signs are there and to be extra careful. (Wish I'd found this place

 

then!)

 

Here's the situation (it's LONG, but I like to include details just in case they

 

might mean something. Sorry if it's boring):

 

 

I live in Japan. I am Canadian and my gf is Japanese, not that that really matters

 

except for some possible language difficulties once in a while.

 

A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she's going to go to Mexico with her friend

 

from work. Last week, Monday, she told me that her friend had cancelled and how I'd

 

feel if she went alone. I told her that I wouldn't like that, that a woman

 

travelling around Mexico alone isn't safe. (I omitted the part about being jealous

 

of her getting picked up by every guy that sees her. She's quite good looking, at

 

least to me, but I can't say for sure how popular she'd be around most other

 

tourists of Caucasian decent. Some like the Asian look, some don't.)

 

Anyway, next day, Tuesday, we talk and I ask her what she's decided. She said that

 

she has changed her mind about Mexico but that she'd still like to go somewhere

 

since she had already taken the time off. As a guy that likes to travel too, I can

 

understand this feeling very well. The last thing I wanted to do was try to stop her

 

from travelling just to ease my jealous fears. I have to trust her. During this

 

conversation, we discussed the possibility of my going with her somewhere close for

 

the weekend and that she could continue on her own after I came back. All I had to

 

do is check prices and if it was reasonably affordable, I'd love to go with her. She

 

tells me that since she's leaving Saturday, she needs to hurry and make a decision

 

quickly. As it is, she stands to lose a lot of money if she cancels outright, and

 

every day she waits will cost her more.

 

Next day, Wednesday, I find out I've got a meeting at work on the weekend, so I

 

can't go anywhere with her. I send her a short email telling her that and that I'm

 

sorry, I would have loved to go with her.

 

I got no response from her Wednesday night.

 

(At this point, I should add that in our relationship, I'd been sorta getting the

 

feeling that maybe I'm not as appreciated as I should be. Meaning that I seemed to

 

be the only one to go out of my way to do things to make her happy. For example, I

 

cook her dinner, but she doesn't offer to do the dishes voluntarily. I kind of have

 

to suggest it, and even then she whines about getting me to help her. I pick her up

 

and drop her off at her place all the time. When I told her she should take her

 

bicycle to my place to see me, it was the funniest joke she'd ever heard. But I was

 

serious, not all the time of course, but once in a while would be nice. I actually

 

live closer to her than work and she cycles to work every single day. She was never

 

good at getting back to my emails promptly, etc. So, at around this time, I was

 

thinking, "screw that. I'm not gonna call or mail again until she gets back to me

 

somehow." The point is that I was starting to wonder if she was just this aloof

 

chick who enjoyed the attention and not much else from me, so I wanted to see her

 

make some effort, at least a little.)

 

Thursday comes, I give in and email her. I want to know what's going on with her

 

trip. I ask her if she's decided where she's going and I apologize again for having

 

the meeting and not being able to go somewhere with her.

 

She mails back, "I'm might go to Italy, or cancel, not sure. I have to decide by

 

tomorrow morning."

 

I write back, "Italy sounds wonderful! I wish I could go... Still might cancel?

 

Wouldn't you lose a lot of money doing that? Anyway, if you DO go, will we have time

 

to meet and watch that video we were meaning to?" This was at 9pm. Knowing that

 

she'd have to pack for her trip if she went, I was hoping she'd tell me, "hey, we

 

live close, let's meet tonight for a couple of hours."

 

Her reply comes at 2am. "I've decided to go to Italy! I'm leaving Saturday. Tomorrow

 

night I'm seeing my mother. Sorry, I don't think we'll have time to meet before I

 

go. Call you tomorrow."

 

Now, I'm pissed that she didn't get back to me earlier, that she didn't suggest

 

meeting tonight while there was still time. That she'll be packing most of Saturday

 

and didn't suggest that to be a good time either. I'm hurt, and I'm hurt that got

 

back to me so late. I was awake, but in bed. Again, I thought, she said she's gonna

 

call, so screw it, I'll wait till she does.

 

Friday night, she calls me after work, about 9pm. "I bought my ticket to Italy

 

today! I leave tomorrow!" At this point, I'm feeling worried about her and also

 

quite jealous of my babe travelling alone, but no sense killing the mood, so I stay

 

positive, "That's awesome. Italy! I'm so envious!"

 

Then she tells me that she has a friend who lives there that will show her around.

 

Good news! Right? So, I gush my enthusiasm that I'm happy she's going somewhere nice

 

and that she'll have someone to take care of her and show her around.

 

She proceeds to get upset for two reasons. One, because I didn't email again or call

 

Wednesday after telling her I had a meeting. She took this to mean that I was very

 

casual about it all and didn't really care if I went with her or not. I told her

 

that's not the case, that I was at work and couldn't email something longer because

 

I was busy. Didn't see the point in writing more later and anyway, I don't know when

 

she gets home from work, so in fact I was expecting a response from her Wednesday

 

night! And two, because she thinks I'm not worried about her. I retaliate that she's

 

got it all wrong, that I told her I didn't want her travelling alone when we were

 

discussing Mexico, etc. She thinks I was talking just about Mexico... I say that of

 

course I'm very worried but you've made your decision, etc., I want to support you.

 

She tells me that she has no time to talk cuz she's expecting an email from her

 

Italian friend. Conversation ends coldly on both sides.

 

After getting off the phone, I send her an email telling her that I'm stunned she

 

said that to me, that I do care, but she didn't seem to consider my feelings in her

 

decision, that I had wished she would cancel the trip and stay with me but I

 

couldn't possibly ask her to do that, and that her accusations were bull.

 

She emails me back at 3am! "Sorry, I was hurt because you always just use email and

 

never call me. You didn't call again or send another nicer email. I felt you just

 

rejected our plans lightly and easily."

 

I email her early in the morning again to tell her that she should not judge my

 

feelings based on the fact that I often email instead of phoning her. That I'm hurt

 

she would use that as a yardstick instead of all our other interactions, how I am

 

with her in general, etc. And I also emphasize that I AM worried and also jealous.

 

Who is this friend? Guy? Girl? Ex-bf? I don't know anything and you just told me

 

this with no other info. I get the point across that I'm quite worried, jealous and

 

also happy to support her decision to travel alone even if it means that I have to

 

keep these feelings in check and I can't go with her. I finished it with a few

 

travel tips and telling her to be really careful. (I didn't know what time the

 

flight left the next morning, so I wasn't sure if I'd get a chance to talk to her

 

again.)

 

Saturday morning, 11am. "I never knew that stuff because you never expressed it to

 

me that way. Now I understand. Thank you. I'll be careful. See ya."

 

I notice that there's no mention of this 'friend', so I call her, (knowing that she

 

likes to get calls in the first place, I figure this can't be a bad move.)

 

I just KNOW this friend is a guy, so even though she begins the conversation by

 

apologizing about the night before's little spat, I just reply with an "uh-huh" and

 

move on to asking her if this friend is male. She says yes. I am stumped, don't know

 

what to say, repeat a few "I see"s and then say that I shouldn't interrupt her as

 

she's packing. We hang up.

 

Now, my paranoid spidey sense is often (unfortunately) accurate (if I get it). I

 

think, there's no way in hell this girl is going to meet a friend in Italy and not

 

stay at his house.

 

I send her an email saying I need to see her before she goes, she says ok, I go

 

over. Again, I'm not feeling good about the way everything is going down, so I enter

 

the apartment with a fairly cool attitude. It doesn't take long for me to get to my

 

question. "Are you staying at his place?"

 

The answer, as we all know, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, was "yes".

 

I started out calmly, but it didn't take long for me to get angry about this. I

 

didn't accuse her of cheating on me, but in Japan at least, for a girl with a bf to

 

stay at a guy's place is highly, highly unusual. (Unless of course, she wants to

 

sleep with him.) My emotions were mixed throughout the squabble. I was angry, half

 

out of jealousy, half out of hurt that she had hidden it from me. The beginning of

 

the conversation could be characterized mostly by jealousy, and the second half hurt

 

from being excluded. During the first half, she stated, rather matter-of-factly,

 

that he is a friend and lives with his parents. What I felt at the time was that she

 

was making no effort to put my mind at ease. That she wasn't saying it warmly or

 

comfortingly at all. At some point, she said "well, I could've lied and told you it

 

was a girl and there would have been no problem, but I wanted to be honest." I

 

guess, whatever. Eventually, she asked, "well what am I supposed to do now?

 

Everything is set and I'm leaving in an hour!" To which I answered, "who's fault is

 

that? You didn't tell me anything until now!" She stopped and said, "fine, I'll stay

 

in a hotel."

 

I was sure that this was just to satiate my anger. After all, she could go and stay

 

at his place and I would be none the wiser. Plus the fact that she hid it from me in

 

the first place told me that she wouldn't really change her plans, she would just

 

tell me so and unless I ask to produce receipts, I'll never know. I told her not to

 

change her plans, that essentially I trust her, but that the real reason I was hurt

 

is that she didn't tell me and I had to basically 'catch' her at it. She didn't

 

outright lie, no, but omission in this case is pretty much the same to me. Anyway, I

 

told her that I don't want her to change her plans because really, it all comes down

 

to trust. She can tell me what she wants, and even if she DID stay in a hotel, she

 

could just as easily (maybe moreso) sleep with him there if that's what she was

 

going to do. Not to mention that if sex with someone else is priority, it can happen

 

in Japan, etc. I can't be with her 24/7 so trust is all I have and no matter where

 

she catches her zzz's, trust is something I have to give her or leave the

 

relationship.

 

But the fight continued because she didn't apologize or even seem sorry that she

 

hadn't included my opinion in making her plans. Didn't ask me how I felt. Didn't

 

consider that I might be jealous or worried. She argued that it was all last minute,

 

and while that term does apply, she had decided on her plans two nights before. That

 

gave her, at the very least Friday night to talk to me about it. But she didn't.

 

Eventually, I got so fed up that we were talking in circles, (she kept repeating

 

that she had no time to talk about it and didn't really choose to hide it, and I,

 

knowing that that wasn't a very good excuse was in disbelief that she couldn't at

 

least say she's sorry and reassure me that there really nothing going on with him),

 

so I asked, "what's going on with us then?"

 

I so didn't want to break up, but with the way things were going, I thought a) I

 

can't trust her, and even moreso, b) I can't be with someone who is so selfish and

 

inconsiderate whether she sleeps with him or not.

 

She asked what I meant, break up or stay together? I kinda waffled, didn't give a

 

straight answer. Fighting resumed.

 

Positions didn't change for another 1/2 hour and I reached a level of frustration,

 

hurt and anger that I couldn't handle anymore.

 

I told her, "you're f*cking wrong and you know it. I can't believe you don't see it,

 

or if you do that you're not sorry.... (search for words)... ah, screw it. Have a

 

nice f*cking trip." I grabbed my stuff and walked out.

 

I was hurting big. I wanted her to come after me so badly. Luckily (?), she did. She

 

opened the door and asked me to come back. "Why? What the point? We obvioiusly don't

 

agree and you can see how or why I feel this way," I reply.

 

She asked, "so, what's going on between us then?"

"You mean break up or stay together?"

"Whatever it is you meant earlier."

 

(pause, looking into her eyes, anger starting to give way to resignation)

 

"Do you want to break up?"

"No." Matter of fact. No waffling, no thinking, but also not much emotion.

"Neither do I."

 

I continued, "Look, it's exactly because I care about you so much and like you so

 

much that I came here today to resolve this between us and make good before you go.

 

Then I hear about this guy..."

"Well, if I didn't like you, I'd have told you to leave an hour ago."

 

We hugged. She cried. I told her that I trust her 100% and that I don't want to

 

break up at all. That I just wanted her to understand how I feel that she didn't

 

consider me. She said she was sorry she hadn't talked about it to me first. Things

 

were good. We kissed and hugged passionately, but there was no time. She had to go.

 

I brought her to the station and things were golden for that time. We talked about

 

me missing her. She'll miss me. I'll miss her more. No, she will. No, I *already*

 

miss her. It's probably the sappiest we've ever been together, and it's definitely

 

the sappiest I've ever seen her. We said goodbye at the station. She seemed more

 

'emotional' about her goodbye than I could remember ever seeing her. She passed

 

through the ticket gate and came around to the barrier to kiss and hug me a few more

 

times before leaving.

 

"Write me often. Tell me all about your trip and send me pictures, from your Hotmail

 

account."

"I will! My flight leaves at eight. Email me, ok?"

"OK."

"Bye."

 

Later, I called her to wish her off before she boarded. She seemed happy. She talked

 

about taking a short weekend trip sometime after she gets back. She had to go, we

 

hung up.

 

I emailed her phone. Told her to be careful, I wish I could go, I'll miss her and

 

enjoy your trip. I even said that I'm happy she has a friend to show her around and

 

take care of her rather than having to be alone all the time.

 

She wrote back, thanking me, saying that she likes me more now than before and

 

she'll miss me. Goodbye.

 

It's now Saturday. She'll be back tomorrow, though I have no idea what time or on

 

what flight. And she hasn't written me all week...

 

 

 

All week, I have been beside myself with thoughts of her and him sleeping together,

 

no room for benefits of doubt. Not telling me about the guy. Not admitting guilt or

 

wrongdoing by doing so. The very fact that she would consider staying at his place,

 

period. Especially without consulting me as far in advance as she could. Then

 

there's the 'vacation mentality' to consider. That mentality that one gets of

 

freedom and adventurousness when traveling in a foreign country where no one knows

 

you and you have no reputation to worry about or carry back with you. (I've seen

 

this vacation mentality at work on girls who have boyfriends with my own eyes, er,

 

hands, and there's no denying that women who wish for a fantasy fling are very, very

 

vulnerable on vacation. All sorts of things had me convinced that it was not only

 

likely she'd do this guy, but highly probable.

 

My friends have tried all week to get their view through my head. That women don't

 

often mess around just for the adventure of it all. That maybe I doubt myself in

 

that situation and that I am projecting my own possible behaviors onto her. That

 

girls do have friends they use for emotional support and what have you, and they

 

have the guys that turn them on to sleep with. That she did in fact tell me the

 

truth and if had had bad intentions then she would have avoided the headache by

 

saying it was girl. That maybe the reason she doesn't seem hung up on comforting me

 

much is because to her it's really no big deal, and it's no big deal because it's

 

just a friend and she can't for the world of her imagine anything going on, so

 

there's nothing to overcompensate for by appearing overly concerned about my

 

feelings of insecurity and jealousy. That the fact she hasn't written is no big

 

deal. On vacation, people are busy or preoccupied, or maybe internet cafes are hard

 

to find in Rome and the guy doesn't have one at home. That if she was messing

 

around, she might be MORE likely to write, out of guilt. That if she was looking

 

forward to seeing this guy romantically, she probably wouldn't have cared enough to

 

fight me for two hours before leaving. That she would probably have let me walk out

 

on her without coming after me. That she just handled it all really badly, partly

 

out of trying to avoid a problem, and partly out of insensitivity to my needs. As I

 

said earlier, she does have a few habits that show some selfishness to her. (This

 

would certainly be consistent with that, though taken somewhat farther.) That our

 

relationship is too young (four months) for her to go looking for excitement

 

elsewhere. That usually happens with couples that have been together for a year or

 

two.

 

Now, this is all maybe true. In fact, at the end of our fight, I really truly felt

 

that she was sincerely sorry for not telling me earlier and that she really didn't

 

want to lose me. That she sincerely liked me, and that if I were right about that,

 

then the odds of her wanting a fling would be slight.

 

And then my paranoia started to plant more seeds. OK, we all know where that road

 

paved with good intentions leads to... So, maybe she doesn't intend to do anything.

 

I didn't intend to get into a fight the time I was walking around a rough

 

neighborhood, but my thougthless actions put me into a situation where it was likely

 

to happen. Tempting fate, as it were.

 

So, my mind has been filled with a horrible impending sense of doom all week. I

 

question whether this guy was ever really a friend. She never told me more than she

 

met him studying abroad in an Asian country four years ago in university, that he

 

lives in Rome and he lives with his parents. Is he ugly and she really sees NO

 

romantic possibility with him? Was he just labelled a 'friend' because she had a

 

boyfriend at the time, but she had a secret attraction to him? Is he actually an ex?

 

I can tell you as a guy (and one that knows a lot of guy friends who admit this to

 

be true) that a man who is 'friends' with an attractive girl is never a 'real'

 

friend. He may not want a relationship, but he at LEAST *wants to* sleep with her. A

 

lot of guys are too shy to move past that, true, but the desire is there. (You don't

 

have to believe it, but it's true.) If he is all that, and she does have the desire

 

to sleep with him, is being on vacation going to give her the excuse she needs to

 

try him on for size? Or maybe she'd be ok sober, but what if he makes his moves

 

after a few glasses of delicious Italian wine and a romantic dinner? Why hasn't she

 

written me? If she wasn't doing him, then she'd miss me even more (no romance going

 

on) and would be sure to get to a net cafe to write. What if she DID sleep with him?

 

Then she might feel guilty and be even MORE intent to email me. (As you can see, I

 

can't come up with one valid reason for not writing to me.)

 

Anyway, it's getting kind of late to do anything about this now. She'll be back

 

tomorrow and I guess I'll have to see what happens, how she acts, etc., and decide

 

what to do accordingly. But now my mind doesn't know what to make of the possible

 

outcomes.

 

When she comes back, if she's overly happy to see me and can't keep her hands off

 

me, is it because she didn't have sex for a week and is horny as hell for me? Or is

 

it because she blew him for seven days and feels guilty so she's overcompensating

 

for it? If she's tired and her normal average self, is it because she didn't do

 

anything, or because she's a cold hearted b*tch who can do other guys without guilt?

 

What am I supposed to say to her reason for not writing me, which is sure to be, "I

 

was very busy and didn't have time." (Didn't have time to go to a cafe for 15

 

minutes just to tell me you're fine?!)

 

I'm so lost. I've never felt this jealous and depressed about a gf. I'm usually very

 

confident (right up until they tell me "i'm seeing someone else"), but this one has

 

me all shaken up. Then again, none of my exes ever did this kind of thing or

 

would've handled it this way. My friends say that there is very little that is so

 

unusual, that she is almost definitely not messing around, maybe just a little

 

selfish in the way she executed things, but I shouldn't worry about it and just

 

resume things when she gets back.

 

Sorry this was so long. Anyone have any opinions about this or advice on how to

 

handle it?

 

Thanks!

[faux]

I attempted to read through your post, but found myself unable to cope with its extreme length after the first few paragraphs. In the future, it may help to focus only on the main points of what you want to say. If we need more information, we will be sure to ask you!

 

As far as your jealousy is concerned, I think it is perfectly natural to feel some tinges of jealousy for your partner. I think that these pin pricks should be dealt with quickly, however, by telling your partner. I have found that a very fleeting moment of jealousy can be taken as a compliment, but jealousy becomes dangerous when we let it grow inside, and begin to harbor distrust.

 

I think that, when two people are in a relationship, those two people should trust one another. You can tie your girlfriend up, handcuff her, and never let her out of your sight. If she wants to break your trust somehow, nothing is going to stop her. The same goes for you.

 

Trust that your girlfriend loves you, and that she will honor your relationship. If anything bad should ever happen, deal with it then.

 

I apologize if you mentioned this in your post, but it may be a good idea to talk to her about how you feel, and how confused you are over this situation. Perhaps you tried to do this, but I am unable to take in everything you have posted.

[SoleMate]

Faux is right, the post is WAY too long. Summarize, condense, just give us the major events and feelings.

 

Regardless of the trip, it sounds like your gf is the taker in this relationship, and you are the giver, based on the anecdotes you gave. I would not be satisfied with that, but it is likely your gf is not able or willing to give you more.

 

...if she's overly happy to see me and can't keep her hands off me, is it because she didn't have sex for a week and is horny as hell for me? Or is it because she blew him for seven days and feels guilty so she's overcompensating for it? If she's tired and her normal average self, is it because she didn't do anything, or because she's a cold hearted b*tch who can do other guys without guilt?

You're going about this the wrong way. It is her actions BEFORE the trip that have already indicated a problem. She made it clear that your desires were not primary in her planning process. And I am also very uncomfortable with how you can curse at her and refer to her as a "cold hearted b*tch". Sounds like you are very angry - to mask the hurt you have because she doesn't love you like you want to be loved.

 

Nobody can be with their SO 24/7 to monitor ongoing fidelity, so we all have to decide to trust. I give my trust when I see that my happiness is close to the top of someone else's priority list, and that their behavior is consistently caring.

 

I don't understand why you are so focussed on what she might be doing with some random man. Your relationship clearly has serious problems, REGARDLESS of what she may or may not be doing sexually outside of it.

 

...unless I ask her to produce hotel receipts, I'll never know [where she slept]... essentially I trust her...

If this is trust, what do you look like when you get suspicious?

[anon2]

And you may even have reason to not trust you, but don't keep telling yourself you trust her when you do not.

 

How come you two don't make plans to travel together?

 

What's up with the solo journeys?

 

If you are serious about each other you would coordinate this type of thing.

[fiatflux]

I just have one thing to say: stop using email so much! I couldn't believe that you were hoping to make arrangements via email for getting together that one night. Using email as such a major communication tool in your relationship is SERIOUSLY hampering things. I'm not surprised she is irritated by that.

[jmargel]

No.. Actually having this post very long gave me some ideas.

 

First, your brain is WAY over-worked. You are setting yourself up for a break-up with this girl when she comes back. You are also going to drive yourself nuts.

 

I would be worried too (somewhat), but she also has to trust you. In that who's to say you couldn't take this time and find a chick to go out with. Better yet, maybe you should. You've told us before she doesn't appreciate the things you do for her.

 

That is weird, since from what I gather, most Japense women cater to their husbands or boyfriends, etc.. More-so than american women.

 

You are being at her beck & call, and she now doesn't appreciate it since it's so common. Let her come to you, let her do some of the worrying. Go out with friends this week, including female friends. When she comes back, welcome her like you love her, but when you eventually get to talking about 'him', etc.. Mention that you had a nice time with friends this whole week.

 

Also, stop looking into things too much. You are way over-analyzing. She is responsible for herself, you aren't her parent. If she is going to sleep with this guy, then it will eventually come out. Do you really want to keep looking after her because you are afraid she might cheat? This is due to your insecurity, and the way she has treated you in the past.

 

Know that you are worth being with, and that your happiness is not based on hers. Don't become co-dependant on her. BTW the other poster is right. Don't use email as much. Phone calls are alot more intimate.