I need to talk to anyone, about the end of my metaphorical rope.

[MercuryMorrison1]

I can almost remember what it was like to be happy.

 

I don't even know where to start. I don't talk about this with my close friends because I feel as though I'll be dismissed as an attention whore. My family has a vague idea of what go's on in my head, but they don't know the full extent...No one does except for me.

 

I'm a 25 year old male and I believe that I suffer from moderate to severe depression. Sometimes I feel as though I've already exceeded the amount of time I should have existed on this earth. But I HATE feeling that way...Mostly because of my mother. My mother has been the single most influential person in my life. I don't tell her the depths of which my mood, anxiety and overall outlook on life has reached, simply because she has told me in the past that I was all she ever wanted out of life.

 

How ****ING heartbreaking it would be for her to know that her only son has all but given up on life...The one thing she wanted out of life, is not HAPPY WITH LIFE. I can't stand the thought of her feeling bad because of me...Her or my father...Both have been the best parents anyone could ask for.

 

With all that said...I want it to be know that I carry a gun everywhere with me...I sleep with it at my bedside, I take it in my pickup, pretty much anywhere without metal detectors it go's with me...Before anyone jumps to conclusions here thinking they need to notify the authorities that I'm going to go shoot up a shopping mall or something...Just don't. I have no intention of EVER using this weapon on another person.

 

I carry it because, My life is at a point where it is a growing comfort to know that I have some instant way out if I so choose. I think about suicide on a daily basis. I haven't worked up to actually considering it yet...But I imagine myself in various situations in which I commit suicide, and how everyone would react, friends and family all of the like. Maybe one day I imagine myself flying off the tallest building in town and the next day its simply pulling a trigger at my beside when I wake up in the morning, it varies from the usual to the relatively creative.

 

I did choose one friend as a confidant a few years ago...I explained my feelings and life outlook to him...He acknowledge and simply said...(You are to young to be depressed). I suppose that would anger some people to be told that...I just chalked it up to his lack of experience in the particular subject.

 

I don't know how these feelings elevated to the level they did. Perhaps its genetic? My father suffered threw heavy depression threw most of his 20's and 30's before he finally sought anti-depressants, which for the record made an outstanding difference in his mood. For me personally, I don't know...I've only ever tried Zoloft, and I had trouble making myself take it regularly and I didn't really feel any difference taking it verses not.

 

Everyday...I wake up despised with who I am and why I for some reason cannot dig myself out of this god damned rut. Every attempt seems feeble and only buries me deeper. I drink occasionally to alleviate some of the pain. This has cost me at least two friendships, with two very beautiful people.

 

I just...Can't...I don't know how to hang on anymore...I have this metaphorical image in my mind...Of myself hanging onto a broken up ledge, dirt's crumbling underneath my fingers, and every attempt to pull myself up...If even just a millimeter results in more ground cracking away around my hands, No matter how loud I scream for help, no one can hear, I am alone, and I am about to die alone. I wish that I could alter that future, but my head hurts from thinking about it so hard. I really just want to close my eyes and let go of it all and just feel the brief wind blowing at my back, as a last sense of comfort.

 

I know deep down that I am a good person, that I am intelligent and funny and everything else...I have a lot to offer the world, but sadly I don't know how to access that part of myself anymore...It seems to have died off with my childhood. I can't keep on living the way I am right now.

 

I don't really have anything else to say here. If anyone has any feedback or experiences, feel free to share...I just don't know what else to do.

[Col1]

Please call 1-800-273-TALK -- a 24/7 crisis hotline. You are not alone.

[Country_Girl]

You have to talk to someone about this, just getting it off your chest and shedding a few tears will lift a huge weight off your back. Find someone to confide in (counselor/therapist) or good friend.

 

I've done the self medication with alcohol and believe me, the drinking is changing your chemistry and making you more depressed. When we drink to escape something, we are putting those thoughts on hold, the result is you wake up the next morning with double the depression and anxiety. Do me a favor, don't drink anything for a month, you'll be surprised at how much that little change will have an effect on your world. It will be a difference of night and day.

 

I suggest not toting the gun, as you are trying to create a sense of control. Try maybe once a day not taking it with you, the next day twice, next week a full day - the goal is to scale it back. Not because I think your a danger (I don't think that at all) but so you can start making yourself comfortable with loss of control - leaving things up to fate.

 

I'm not a fan of prescription meds, unless it's a last resort. If you want to try a natural route, head to the vitamin shop and pick up St. John's Wart and 5 HTP. St. John you can take daily, will help lift the depression, and curbs alcohol intake - This simple supplement worked great for me. The 5 HTP will increase serotonin (feel good emotions)- I wouldn't take it daily, just when/if you are having a really bad day.

 

Also, I would suggest some exercise, even if it's just a 30 minute jog around the block. That will release dopamine ( feel good chemicals). This in turn can help build confidence (even if you don't lack any) but will trigger a sense of accomplishment.

 

And perhaps, when you tackle those things, take up a hobby to continue building on those feelings of accomplishment.

 

Sorry you are feeling down OP, but life can and will get better. You can do this, and my guess is there is a tiny part inside of you amidst the depression that wants to be happy. That's why you posted, and I'm glad you did. You deserve to be happy OP, don't let anyone tell you different. If you lose this battle then you never had control, that's the ironic part, it would mean the depression had control.

 

So take control back OP, small steps equal big success.

[Ed the 3rd]

First off get rid of the gun. Or put it away somewhere that you won't have ease of access to. Or throw away the ammunition so you still have the gun but not the ability to kill yourself on demand. I've been in your situation before. Maybe even worse. If I had the easiest route of suicide on demand I probably would of taken it on a bad day.

 

I don't know your situation but try to remember what makes you special. You have so much others would kill for even if its just a fully functioning body or access to a computer.

 

I have severe social anxiety that's very physical. Its not that I have to face my fears but if I do or don't I still freeze up and turn into a bumbling idiot. That is the very very very least of my problems but I still carry on and try to find something to inject a little positivity into my life (Not literally because I hate needles and Heroine is bad mmmk?).

Edited June 26, 2013 by Ed the 3rd

[iouaname]

The fact that you have not taken your life yet and that you are here posting shows that you have fight in you. That is what you need to dig in to. Figure out why it is that you're alive right now. You have this gun and you have a desire to die - but you're not dead. There's a reason that you are alive. Dig deep down and figure out what that reason is, and bring it to the front of your thoughts. Focus on it and draw strength from it.

 

Everyday...I wake up despised with who I am and why I for some reason cannot dig myself out of this god damned rut.

Why? Why despise who you are? You have struggled, are struggling, and are still standing. That's commendable. That means there is strength to be proud of. Your thoughts and feelings don't make you weak or strong, it's your actions. Strong is fighting. So fight.

 

I just...Can't...I don't know how to hang on anymore...I have this metaphorical image in my mind...Of myself hanging onto a broken up ledge, dirt's crumbling underneath my fingers, and every attempt to pull myself up...If even just a millimeter results in more ground cracking away around my hands, No matter how loud I scream for help, no one can hear, I am alone, and I am about to die alone

Motivation

[tman666]

I think the first step is to get rid of your gun. Sell it, throw it into a lake, give it to a trusted loved one (and tell them why you can't have it), but having that with you as an instantaneous out is immensely dangerous.

 

Suicide is a permanent solution to problems that are likely temporary. Even if it seems hopeless, there are resources out there that will listen to you and be able to understand you. Moreover, there are likely real solutions to creating a better outlook on life for yourself.

 

By the way, depression can absolutely be genetic. It runs in my own family. Sometimes I feel myself struggling with it as well, though thankfully not to the same extent as some of my other family members.

 

This might sound a little out there, but you might want to sit down with your mom and take a look through your old family photos and your baby pictures, if you guys have any.

 

Baby/childhood photos are an interesting thing. They tend to capture moments where your entire outlook was filled with nothing but excitement and wonder and unfettered optimism for the world around you.

 

Of course, you're a man now, and you are intimately aware of the darkness that exists in the world, both externally and internally. However, just know that happiness and zest for life is still out there for you. It sounds like you have some hurdles to clear in order to find it, but it's there.

 

Please find the strength to seek help, both from your family/true friends and professionally. You're not at all alone in dealing with these feelings.