21 year old virgin and I am ashamed

[Ryan R.]

Hello everybody. I didn't know where to say this but I guess this is the right section. My name is Ryan, I'm 21 years old. I'm a virgin. I've never kissed a girl or held hands with a girl, hell I haven't even been on a date. I feel really bad because of this and its something I unfortunately think about everyday. I can't help but not to think of it. I see something sex related everyday and then I realize "oh wait, I don't have a girlfriend" or "oh wait, I'm still a virgin". These aren't the exact words I think in my head but my emotions are sort of verbalized in that way.

 

I graduated college last month and while I am happy about this fact, it is sort of marred by the fact that I haven't done anything with a girl. In fact, I am/was the only one of my friends to not do anything with a girl. I went to a smallish liberal arts college. It had a little over 7,000 students. It was small enough to know a good amount of people yet not too small where you repetitively talked to the same people over again. I came in freshmen year hoping that my problems with girls would sort themselves out. I had no prior experience with girls because I went to an all guy's high school. They didn't unfortunately. The years progressed and my friends started to fall into all sorts of relationships, hookups, etc. I started to feel pretty jealous of them all but I hid it too well. So well that it frightens me how I was able to hide it. I was jealous of the organicism in which the situations presented themselves and how naturally they seemed to develop. I felt as if it was a lottery and all of the numbers were called and I'm still standing in line holding a ticket.

 

Whenever the subject of sex comes up, I feel like an odd man out. I either lie or try to change the subject. I've lied to all of my friends that I'm not a virgin so I don't look like a loser. I told my one friend from home that I had sex with 8 girls in college when he asked my number. I felt bad lying to him because he is one of my best friends but again, I didn't want to look like a loser.

 

A friend of mine turned me on to pickup artistry at the end of my second year. I read up on some of the techniques and I tried to apply them but a lot of them seemed too "jerky" and it wasn't consistent with my character. I didn't like "negging" girls, it felt so unnatural. Fall of 2011, my confidence with girls hit rock bottom and I fell into a deep depression over winter break of that year. 2012, I tried to bring it back up but I still felt as if I was an "extra" to girls and I lacked the ability to make them think of me as a sexual person. I started to ask if there was anything wrong with me. If I couldn't get laid or get a relationship in college, what kind of person am I? Beginning of summer in 2012, I fell into another depression especially considering my best friend got a girlfriend that he really liked and it was in my face constantly. I then tried to come back my senior year better than ever. It still failed. I lacked the ability to get girls to think of me as more than friend. I sank into yet another depression my winter break of 2012. Fast forward a couple of months and here we are. Same as I was freshman year.

 

I feel as if my life is over when it comes to dating and girls. In fact, it never even started. I don't know. I'm a normal guy. I think I'm well-read, I have a good sense of humor, I'm knowledgeable about a lot of things. I'm tall. I guess I'm not really that attractive. I often find myself comparing myself physically to my friends (I know its not good to do that) and I feel that I have some deficiencies that I can't control. I feel like I really missed the boat when it came to college and that was my last chance to sort everything out.

 

I have nowhere else to go with this. I can't really tell my friends. I'd rather get hit by a car than admit that I'm a virgin. I can't tell my parents. I don't talk to them about things like this, lol. So I guess this is the end of the line so to speak. I've read some stuff about how you're not suppose to tell girls you're a virgin or else they won't like you. I also don't think a girl who has had relationship or hookup experience would have patience for one. So I'm sort of stuck. I feel as if I'm doomed to this forever. I keep hoping that the day will come but it never does.

 

That's my story. That's where I've been. Where I'm going, who knows. I'm not getting any younger. So what can I do about this? How can I make this feeling go away? I'm obviously not getting laid any time soon and I hate feeling like crap because I fail to attract girls. What can I do? What can I possibly do? I don't know how much longer I can go on.

[Cracker Jack]

You're 21 and feel like your chances with women are over? Come on now!

 

There are guys who lose their virginity early and there are guys who lose it a bit later. It's only a big deal if you make it one. I'll be honest, the way you're feeling isn't unusual in any way, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I think at this point, you need to make interacting with women a priority. Sure, losing your virginity during the process would be nice, but if it takes precedence over everything else, you'll put an unrealistic amount of pressure on yourself...and thus, make things more difficult than you'd like.

 

Forget the PUA stuff and being jealous of the guys who are having sex on a daily basis. Start going out and meeting women, whether it's at coffee shops, bookstores, local meetups, etc. You'll meet some women who'll be attracted to you and some women who won't be into you. Be genuine and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. When you start the process, it'll be tough, since it's something new, but that "feeling" you're having will be minimized as long as you're out taking enough action to better yourself.

[hppr]

Take a shower, dress nice, put on some cologne and start going out to bars with friends. Be friendly, talk to everybody, eventually some girl will grab you and that will be the end of virgindom. If your friends get girls then tell them you're having problems, WTF is with the women around here how do I get a date etc. They will help you out. Really it's not complicated.

[Adele0908]

Why can't you talk to your dad at least? Have you even tried? You should not be carrying this turmoil alone. It is too much of a burden and the proof is your depression. Please talk to your parents. Whoever is the most approachable parent. They will understand.

 

Second, it doesn't matter if you are not as attractive as your friends. Confidence is the most attractive thing to a woman.

 

Also, I would recommend that you hang out with a young woman or even older woman who is not as inhibited as you are. You know that girl that everybody thinks it kind of slutty and a "free spirit"? That is the kind of girl you should be around. Not the prissy, uptight, repressed types of women that are out there. The free-spirited, "loose" type of girl can help you get more comfortable with your sexuality. just make sure you don't judge her for being more sexually free than you are. Judging her only represses YOU. A girl that is open won't be afraid to to take your virginity and won't pressure you for more than You are ready for.

 

Also, you said you are into PUA stuff, have you read Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida? I hear its a must read for men who want to improve their skills with women.

[Ryan R.]

Thanks for the replies guys. Well, I guess it would have made more sense saying that I'm 21 soon to be 22. I'll be turning 22 in September. As I said, I'm not getting any younger. I feel that it will be very difficult for me to attain the skills necessary to get into a relationship or to get into some type of sexual arrangement. In order to interact with women, I'll need some type of social circle. My social circle disintegrated when I graduated and I don't really keep in contact with a lot of my highschool friends. As I also said, pickup didn't work for me so I'm not into it like I used to be. I thought it would actually solve some problems.

 

As I also said before, I don't want to tell my friends because they wouldn't really be able to help and I don't want to admit that I need help in this area. Its something I want to say that I was able to do on my own without requiring assistance from someone else. I can't rely on my friends forever.

 

I can't talk to my parents because this isn't the type of stuff I talk about with them. I can't tell them how bad I feel being a virgin. It's just a discussion I'd rather not have with them if I can help it. To be honest, I don't really know any girls I can just start "hanging around" with. I don't judge women for their behavior but girls who sleep around a lot sort of turn me off. They can be nice girls and I've known a lot of nice girls who sleep around but I just get sort of nauseous with the thought of being with a very sexually experienced girl. I'm not saying she has to be a virgin or anything (even though that would be great) but it gets to a point where something inside of me would say "ok thats enough now". People can do whatever they want but that doesn't mean it would match up with my ideology. Not like these type of girls would want me anyway.

[Adele0908]

well as somewhat of a former bad girl myself, I think you need a bad girl in your life, AT LEAST just to have fun with. bad girls won't usually judge you and will have fun turning you out. you can get with the nice girl later. but by then, you won't want a nice girl. teehee.

 

but it's your choice at the end of the day.

 

So what's your plan?

[Ryan R.]

well as somewhat of a former bad girl myself, I think you need a bad girl in your life, AT LEAST just to have fun with. bad girls won't usually judge you and will have fun turning you out. you can get with the nice girl later. but by then, you won't want a nice girl. teehee.

 

but it's your choice at the end of the day.

 

So what's your plan?

 

Plan for what exactly? Life? Dating? Shuffleboard?

[ThaWholigan]

just feel like killing another male for telling me to Be a Man, Man Up, Grow a Pair, but sadly won't do it because I don't want to suffer the legal consequences

Go get some therapy Sun Devil's brother. You sound like a cartoon supervillain.

[Ryan R.]

just feel like killing another male for telling me to Be a Man, Man Up, Grow a Pair, but sadly won't do it because I don't want to suffer the legal consequences

 

You know man, that's pretty extreme. I may be depressed from lack of success but I've never wanted to kill someone over it.

[orchids]

I know it won't help you for me to tell you that it doesn't really matter but one of the guys I dated was a virgin as well, at the age of 26.

 

We didn't work out because we didn't really click (he agreed), but he wasn't unattractive at all. He readily admitted to lying to his friends about not being a virgin, but it was mostly a matter of convenience.

 

Don't waste your time on forcing these experiences with girls (this does not mean stop talking to girls!) Get really good at something you love, because passion and competence are natural people-magnets. And with those two comes confidence, another people-magnet.

 

You also need to realize that at some point you might fall in love with a girl outside of your culture, where virginity is seriously a non-issue at all and how you treat her is everything. If your virginity is going to be a deal-breaker to some girl, drop that brick.

[Ryan R.]

I know it won't help you for me to tell you that it doesn't really matter but one of the guys I dated was a virgin as well, at the age of 26.

 

We didn't work out because we didn't really click (he agreed), but he wasn't unattractive at all. He readily admitted to lying to his friends about not being a virgin, but it was mostly a matter of convenience.

 

Don't waste your time on forcing these experiences with girls (this does not mean stop talking to girls!) Get really good at something you love, because passion and competence are natural people-magnets. And with those two comes confidence, another people-magnet.

 

You also need to realize that at some point you might fall in love with a girl outside of your culture, where virginity is seriously a non-issue at all and how you treat her is everything. If your virginity is going to be a deal-breaker to some girl, drop that brick.

 

Yeah, I just hope when the time comes (if it does) that she won't judge me for it and make me feel bad. I'm pretty intimidated by already-experienced girls to be honest. I feel like there's not much I can really offer them that they haven't seen or been with.

 

Thanks for the support.

[orchids]

Yeah, I just hope when the time comes (if it does) that she won't judge me for it and make me feel bad. I'm pretty intimidated by already-experienced girls to be honest. I feel like there's not much I can really offer them that they haven't seen or been with.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

Someone who loves/appreciates you will never make you feel bad. There are so many people who let go of "mistakes" like cheating- yours isn't even a mistake.

 

Some of my "experienced" girlfriends have virgin boyfriends... well, no longer virgin. Comments?

"Oh, it was so cute!"

"He was so afraid of hurting me."

"He didn't really know what to do so I had to teach him, meh."

 

Nothing that lingers. Relationships exist outside of the bedroom too, you know?

 

It's not a permanent handicap. It's temporary and for all you know, you might be a quick learner and you could get even better than that "experienced" girl who judged you at the start. Then maybe you'd be making her feel bad instead

[lakeshore678]

Hon, if someone judges you for being a virgin, that's a huge red flag for your relationship. There's NOTHING wrong with being 21 and new at this. Now 40 and a virgin.... maybe, but you're nowhere near that. Don't worry, the right one will come along, and she might be a virgin too. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not even "late" in losing your virginity. Stop telling yourself everyone your age has gotten laid already. There are probably many who haven't, but talk a good game to cover it up. You're just honest.

[Carenth]

You are fine nothing to be concerned about. Find someone who you care about and cares about you. If someone treats you badly because you are a virgin then they are a waste of your time anyway. You deserve better.

[Ryan R.]

^^this^^

 

You're 21, 21! You hardly qualify as some old, dude who hasn't done the deed. You life isn't over, it's just beginning. Focus on you, travel, begin your career, hang with your friends. The girl/sex will come. Don't let your virgintiy be the defining moment, it's not. I predict a life filled with sex, good sex. Just live your life, the sex WILL come. Promise.

 

Alright. I'll take everyone's word for it. I don't really see it coming but I'll try to be optimistic.

[Pompeii]

If I was a 21 year old virgin, I'd be ashamed as well. But I'm 19 and I'm on my way to mastery.

 

My advice, forget about all this stupid stuff. Advance in your career. You've already graduated, right? Get a job, work as hard as you can, get money and get status. There, you've compensated for your lack of sex.

[ThaWholigan]

No need to be ashamed. Still young. Being ashamed will only make you depressed about it and make it harder to lose the V. Be comfortable with it.