I enjoyed our past sex-life, and now sex is boring.

[OutInTheCold]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and we have two kids. The problem is that she has changed drastically from the women I married. My wife was a wild girl, she is an ex-stripper/model whose career choices back then led to her sexual inhibition. When we were dating (2 years) and even for the first 3 ½ years of marriage we led a wild/fun non-stop sex life. We would have 3-somes and 4-somes, my wife was bi-sexual and enjoyed encounters with other women and men. She enjoyed giving oral sex, loved anal sex, was basically every man’s dream woman.

 

After the birth of our second child my wife decided to have a breast reduction she was a natural DD and being only 5’ 2” tall she said they were hurting her back. It was after she recovered from the birth and this operation that she in essence became a changed almost frigid woman.

 

Sex inside our marriage went from exciting to a chore:

 

There are no 3-somes, there is no oral or anal sex, and she won’t initiate sex anymore. When I try to have sex her usual response is “okay, if that’s what you want, just do it.” She has almost become non-orgasmic.

 

I have tried to get her to go to counseling. She Won’t.

I have tried to talk to her. She says I’m the one with a problem not her.

I actually had a PI follow her to see if she was cheating. In 4 weeks and a whole lot of money he said NO.

I’ve invited old 3-some partners over (just to talk) and she is cordial, but refuses to talk about anything that we used to do.

 

Some other odd things that might lead to some insights:

 

The other day she denied to me that she ever was stripper.

She told me that she did not understand what woman find attractive in other women. When I mentioned that she used to like to be with girls. She denied it.

She has thrown out all video tapes and deleted all pictures we have ever taken.

She has thrown out all of our toys.

She has given away all of her sexy clothes and lingerie.

 

No she has not gained weight. The exact opposite. My wife is fitness buff she is 5’2” and weight 102 lbs with 7% body fat. She works out 4 hours a day 6 days a week. She has a harder body now than ever before.

 

My problem.

 

I want my old-almost-nymphomaniac-wife back. What can I do?

[Papillon]

Call the MIB's.

 

No, seriously, that's a pretty severe change in sexual personality. When exactly did this happen? Was it a gradual change, or did it all happen after the breast reduction?

[Reckless]

She's just not that woman anymore.

 

Your wife has changed, she's changed in her perception of the world, her values and she clearly wants to erase the woman that was sexually uninhibited. Your wife wants to be Doris Day - only more buff.

 

What brought about this change? Could be any number of things - and the first thing is to for her to get checked out by a doctor to see if there is a physiological reason for her lack of sexual desire, sometimes types of birth control pills have an affect on libido. Stress, fear of falling pregnant again or any other number of psychological causes may be at the root of changes you're seeing, is she willing to at least be checked out?

 

My money, though, is on that her becoming a mother has simply forced her to 'evolve'. Her body that was before a plaything and a source of pleasure for herself and others, has given birth and nurtured life and she has been changed. Whatever the case, she's clearly having problems accepting the woman she was with the mother and woman she now wants to be and has taken the knife symbolically to that side of her sexuality.

 

I understand your confusion and frustration but, she was pretty wild in the past and I can't help wondering if there was an underlying reason for her sexual adventuressnes. Was she just finding pleasure or running from the 'doris day' part of herself? Was she simply having fun or smothering low self esteem with multiple sexual partners? Was she stripping to pay the bills or was that particular 'career choice' something to do with having been a victim in some way in the past? Was she ever truly comfortable with her bisexuality? What I'm saying is she may have been your dream partner at the time but possibly it wasn't HER dream. Maybe she's living her dream now - maybe the past was her 'nightmare' and she wants to forget it. Maybe she's ashamed of the nymphet you're longing. If so, why? Questions only she can answer, but maybe she'll be willing to get professional help to look into it and find a happy medium between being wild and mild.

 

Anyway, you both definitely need to talk about it. Don't let her 're-writing history' slip by and don't be passive about the situation. Force her to at least recognise your confusion. An unfulfilling sex life tends to fester and breakout later in marriages, so you need to force the issue. Ask the difficult questions and if you need help to deal with what's going on go get it. You may have to kiss the more extreme behaviour of the past goodbye but there's no need for you to be frustrated and her to be unable to fully express her sexuality. Your situation smacks of deep unhappiness somewhere and neither of you'll get anywhere unless you find where that unhappiness is/was and deal with it.

 

Good luck,

 

R.

[Ladyjane14]

I can't help wondering if there was an underlying reason for her sexual adventuressnes.

 

I think Reckless probably has hit the nail on the head here. What were the psychological reasons for this?

 

You know, young women sometimes outwardly express alot of self-esteem and insecurity issues through sexually promiscuous bahavior. That's why girls raised of divorced parents, without a father in the home, often begin having sex at an early age. These girls are not raised in an environment where they can learn to expect a man's love to be unconditional.

 

She says I’m the one with a problem not her.

 

Could be that you BOTH have a problem with sexual exspression. Just from reading your letter, you seem to need ALOT of stimulation to keep your interest alive. What's up with that? While I think it's perfectly okay to spice things up now and then, if the staple in your sex life isn't INTIMACY with the one you love, then maybe your wife has a point and you DO have a problem.

 

Anyway, I don't think you'll be seeing the 'wild girl' again. And if you don't act quickly to rectify the problems, you're probably going to lose this woman altogether.

 

Sorry

[arcadia]

i know a guy that used to be a total playboy and would sleep with several different women every week. But then, he had a daughter by one of them and took up responsibility and is sharing the job of raising her. as his daughter started to get a little older, he started thinking how he would feel if his daughter was out with a guy like him... and it made him change his ways drastically.

 

 

i am sure becoming a mother has changed her psychologically.. i dont really agree with the way she is brushing you off so nonchalantly though. If you have already tried to talk to her about it and she wont budge then it is going to be a hard road. I don't think she will ever be as wild as she once was, cause, well, people change. But she should at least agree to have regular one on one sex without making comments like she has.

 

when you talk to her about it, dont focus on what she once was, i think you need to let go of that, instead, maybe suggest a couple of new things for just the two of you to do in bed. If you make it sound like you are blaming her for changing, then she wont budge. Turn it into something that you want to try with her instead.

[OutInTheCold]

Originally posted by Papillon

No, seriously, that's a pretty severe change in sexual personality. When exactly did this happen? Was it a gradual change, or did it all happen after the breast reduction?

 

When she was pregnant we mutually agreed to be monogamous (we did this with the first pregnancy too). It was during this pregnancy that we decided that a breast reduction would be a good thing. (BTW I agreed and I think her breasts are more proportionally to her body now). However during the second pregnancy we started to have less sex than during her first pregnancy. After the delivery (natural) we didn’t have any sex for 6 weeks, but what was different this time was she would not even try to satisfy me. After the birth of our first child she never ignored me and she was constantly pushing to have sex before the doctors said it would be okay.

 

Well 6 weeks after birth she had her breast reduction. And since then basically zip-0. For example before she got pregnant oral sex was considered very normal foreplay and oral sex to orgasm was a 1-2 times a week event. Since the breast reduction she has only given me oral sex once to orgasm and oral sex just for foreplay is maybe once every other month. She has refused to have anal sex, but before she said she enjoyed it and it was a weekly event.

[OutInTheCold]

Originally posted by Reckless

the first thing is to for her to get checked out by a doctor to see if there is a physiological reason for her lack of sexual desire, sometimes types of birth control pills have an affect on libido. Stress, fear of falling pregnant again or any other number of psychological causes may be at the root of changes you're seeing, is she willing to at least be checked out?

 

I have tried but she refuses to go, I have had a vasectomy so I don't think falling pregnant is it.

 

Originally posted by Reckless

My money, though, is on that her becoming a mother has simply forced her to 'evolve'. Her body that was before a plaything and a source of pleasure for herself and others, has given birth and nurtured life and she has been changed. Whatever the case, she's clearly having problems accepting the woman she was with the mother and woman she now wants to be and has taken the knife symbolically to that side of her sexuality.

 

Was she just finding pleasure or running from the 'doris day' part of herself? Was she simply having fun or smothering low self esteem with multiple sexual partners? Was she stripping to pay the bills or was that particular 'career choice' something to do with having been a victim in some way in the past? Was she ever truly comfortable with her bisexuality? What I'm saying is she may have been your dream partner at the time but possibly it wasn't HER dream. Maybe she's living her dream now - maybe the past was her 'nightmare' and she wants to forget it. Maybe she's ashamed of the nymphet you're longing. If so, why? Questions only she can answer, but maybe she'll be willing to get professional help to look into it and find a happy medium between being wild and mild.

 

I can understand this and I also understand wanting to give up the swinging type lifestyle, we are getting older, but what about a monogamous relationship, she won't even have a good time with me!

 

She was a stripper only to get her through a 4 year university college degree, and even then she only did it for 2 years. It was easy money and she used to talk about it as "using men to pay her way". She was also only a topples dancer, not a totally nude stripper if that makes any differance. I also did not know her back then.

 

Bisexuality, she seemed to enjoy it because she always gravitated towards a threesome with another girl rather than another guy. But again, I'm willing to give that up and I've told her that.

 

Originally posted by Reckless

Anyway, you both definitely need to talk about it. Don't let her 're-writing history' slip by and don't be passive about the situation. Force her to at least recognise your confusion. An unfulfilling sex life tends to fester and breakout later in marriages, so you need to force the issue. Ask the difficult questions and if you need help to deal with what's going on go get it. You may have to kiss the more extreme behaviour of the past goodbye but there's no need for you to be frustrated and her to be unable to fully express her sexuality. Your situation smacks of deep unhappiness somewhere and neither of you'll get anywhere unless you find where that unhappiness is/was and deal with it.

 

Thanks I agree, I think I Need to FORCE the issue, any suggestions.

[OutInTheCold]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Could be that you BOTH have a problem with sexual exspression. Just from reading your letter, you seem to need ALOT of stimulation to keep your interest alive. What's up with that? While I think it's perfectly okay to spice things up now and then, if the staple in your sex life isn't INTIMACY with the one you love, then maybe your wife has a point and you DO have a problem.

 

Anyway, I don't think you'll be seeing the 'wild girl' again. And if you don't act quickly to rectify the problems, you're probably going to lose this woman altogether.

 

Sorry

 

I am willing to give up the swinging, but what I want is what you said a intimate relationship. Her desire for me seems to be gone, I want her desire back.

 

I also don't want to lose her, how do I rectify??

[Mari]

Maybe she feels uncomfortable with her new body. Having huge breasts like that is a part of who you are. I'm sure that was part of her image. She used them as an extention of herself. She might feel like something is missing from her now and she is trying to find it. She cannot deny who she is or who she was because everything in the past is still apart of her, maybe in some sense she is jealous of her old self since she can never have that back. She is probably desperately trying to find a new identity that she can accpet. Don't put so much infisis on who she use to be but try to just accept her for who she is. Maybe after she realizes she is still just as beautiful, some of those old qualities will return. Eventually she will be an even more awesome person than before, it will just take time.

[Guest]

Posting anon because I am pretty sure I would get flamed to a crisp for this.

Please read "The Hormone of Desire: The Truth About Sexuality, Menopause, and Testosterone" by Susan Rako.

A -HUGE- possibility for libido dip that people overlook in these forums, and one that applies to both sexes, is a drop in Testosterone. Levels need to be checked with a blood test.

Sure, some will say "this is nonsense," some might assert "well, Test goes [up / down / they are just guessing] after [a second child / you get older / they are just guessing" but do the reading, and then see if it's a possibility.

Of course, in my case, my spuse refused the blood test flat out when she had an opportunity (she was already scheduled for blood work) but later, we both agreed that there was a problem and we talked it through. We tried Androgel on her in very minute amounts* and that helped, but it's hard to find a doc that's current on these issues.

 

*Yet another reason I'm posting anon. There is too much ignorance about this, and posters will be SORELY tempted to tell you that Testosterone will give her heart problems, probably tell you it would give her prostate problems too, cause her breasts to disappear, make her grow a mustache... etc etc. Please, do the reading and know a bit about endocrinology before attacking this idea I present here.

[Guest]

SHE IS A MOTHER NOW....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Guest

SHE IS A MOTHER NOW....

 

Maybe some small part of it in addition to physical things, is that she is trying to destroy her past, and recreate herself as the asexual, benevolent "mother" figure that she wants her children to know, as they get older. In order to do that, she has to shed all aspects of her former self: including current sexual practice, and denying memories of the person she was.

 

She says I’m the one with a problem not her.

 

What's her take on it? Has she been specific about what your 'problem' is? How did she word it? I'm curious to see what she considers a problem, how it is your problem and how she absolves herself in this situation. Her POV may shed some insight onto her own change of heart.

[Lainie]

You sound like an ass. Have some respect for your wife and family. Things change. If you want your wife to give you permission to screw other people, then you're delusional. Have you thought that after having children, your wife has toned it down because she doesnt want that kind of atmosphere around your kids??

 

Grow up. Your responsibilty is to look after your kids, not to get your rocks off everyday.

 

Maybe the things you used to do disgusts your wife now. Maybe you disgust her too. You certainly disgust me. Prick!