Am I the OW?

[starryeyedsurprise]

Hello all, I am new here and was hoping from some support. I am not 100% sure that I was the other woman, but I sure feel like it. At the beginning of the year, there was a new guy at my work and I was immediately attracted to him, I know don’t poop where you eat. He works in a completely different side and never see him. We would stare at each other for months, no communication, but we were both obviously interested.

Then in March we had a one hour conversation outside of work, and that’s where it started. We made a date for that night, which lasted 12 hours. No, no, no, we went out for drinks and then talked until the sun came up and had coffee. No sex, no nothing…….He did tell me that he was living with his ex, for financial reasons, has been sleeping on the couch for months, no sex for months, and another huge reason is that his ex has a daughter and he can’t leave the child there, because of the guilt. This is not his child, and the little girl is only 2 yrs old. They were together for 2 months, then moved in together. When he and I met, they have only been together for 10 months.

As we got to know each other, we really opened up about everything. We quickly became great friends, but would kiss every time we saw each other. He would bring me to his family, and bring me around his friends. He never mentioned me to the ex. I guess I was not accepting reality at this point. I trusted him. I have given him ultimatums, told him to tell her about me. The only excuses he has is that he doesn’t want to hurt her and he doesn’t know what she will do, she has a history of violence.

We did have sex after 1 month, and have continued since then. But the sex was not the focus on this relationship, it has been only once a week, but we would see each other almost everyday, wether for an hour or 4 hours. It is not about sex.

Long story short, we did the obvious, we fell in love with each other. Not only that, but became close, very close friends. But I just don’t trust him. I don’t think he has actually told the ex that he is done with the relationship. She is doing all she can to get him back, make dinners, ask him to hang out and attend events with her, etc. 2 of his friends told me how she vented to them that he won’t have sex with her. There is definitely more here, I just can’t put my finger on it. In the beginning, we would see each other all the time, sleepovers, etc. Now it just seems harder and harder and I feel like I am on his schedule, and he is always looking at the clock or his phone.

He has swore up and down, inside out that he is done with her, and nothing is going on. That he wants a future with me, but can’t do what he wants at the moment because of financial reasons….. Not only are they financially screwed, but they only have 1 car they share, she has no job, nothing. He is 100% providing for her and her daughter. I just can’t figure this one out.

He has pushed and pursued and pushed and pursued. He tells me everyday that he loves me, that I am his best friend, etc etc.... He just won't let it go. I have tried to end it, but I keep going back. I do love him and care about him like crazy, I just don't trust his living situation and feel like the other woman.

[Pierre]

Hello all, I am new here and was hoping from some support. I am not 100% sure that I was the other woman, but I sure feel like it. At the beginning of the year, there was a new guy at my work and I was immediately attracted to him, I know don’t poop where you eat. He works in a completely different side and never see him. We would stare at each other for months, no communication, but we were both obviously interested.

Then in March we had a one hour conversation outside of work, and that’s where it started. We made a date for that night, which lasted 12 hours. No, no, no, we went out for drinks and then talked until the sun came up and had coffee. No sex, no nothing…….He did tell me that he was living with his ex, for financial reasons, has been sleeping on the couch for months, no sex for months, and another huge reason is that his ex has a daughter and he can’t leave the child there, because of the guilt. This is not his child, and the little girl is only 2 yrs old. They were together for 2 months, then moved in together. When he and I met, they have only been together for 10 months.

As we got to know each other, we really opened up about everything. We quickly became great friends, but would kiss every time we saw each other. He would bring me to his family, and bring me around his friends. He never mentioned me to the ex. I guess I was not accepting reality at this point. I trusted him. I have given him ultimatums, told him to tell her about me. The only excuses he has is that he doesn’t want to hurt her and he doesn’t know what she will do, she has a history of violence.

We did have sex after 1 month, and have continued since then. But the sex was not the focus on this relationship, it has been only once a week, but we would see each other almost everyday, wether for an hour or 4 hours. It is not about sex.

Long story short, we did the obvious, we fell in love with each other. Not only that, but became close, very close friends. But I just don’t trust him. I don’t think he has actually told the ex that he is done with the relationship. She is doing all she can to get him back, make dinners, ask him to hang out and attend events with her, etc. 2 of his friends told me how she vented to them that he won’t have sex with her. There is definitely more here, I just can’t put my finger on it. In the beginning, we would see each other all the time, sleepovers, etc. Now it just seems harder and harder and I feel like I am on his schedule, and he is always looking at the clock or his phone.

He has swore up and down, inside out that he is done with her, and nothing is going on. That he wants a future with me, but can’t do what he wants at the moment because of financial reasons….. Not only are they financially screwed, but they only have 1 car they share, she has no job, nothing. He is 100% providing for her and her daughter. I just can’t figure this one out.

He has pushed and pursued and pushed and pursued. He tells me everyday that he loves me, that I am his best friend, etc etc.... He just won't let it go. I have tried to end it, but I keep going back. I do love him and care about him like crazy, I just don't trust his living situation and feel like the other woman.

 

Yes, you are.

 

Read the forum stories for a couple of weeks . Learn what to expect.

 

Good luck

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'd say go with your gut on this one. Something definitely doesn't smell right, here. It doesn't sound like he was really done with his ex, but it's also entirely possible they aren't together, but he may have given her false hope, at some point.

 

Use caution, but I suggest talking to him about this again. If he's really done with her, he needs to get his ducks in a row. I understand that he feels guilty in regards to the child, but the child is not his. He cannot progress into a new, healthy relationship, if he still has ties to the old one. Besides, a two-year-old is a lot more adaptable than an older child.

 

if he and the ex are done, he needs to get off that couch, and find somewhere else to live. Until that happens, I suggest you temporarily put your relationship with him on hold.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to your gut. What he is telling you makes no sense - He IS living life with her and I highly doubt she has a history of violence. Guys who are married or in relationships that cheat, greatly exaggerate, omit truths and lie to manipulate (selfishly) to get their way. Regardless, there is a young child involved and his girlfriend obviously has no idea that their relationship is over. He's just told you it is. He IS cheating on her and you are the OW.

 

You don't trust him for a reason.

 

I say, end it and tell him when he is fully single and available, then you'll date him, but until then no sex, no friendship, nothing at all. It'll hurt, but better you hurt now rather than a year or two from now when you're deeper involved and emotionally invested.

[Got it]

I would ask him, if they are broken up, then you should be able to talk to her as this is an unusual situation and you want to get a better handle on things. If he says sure, I will set up a meeting, then there you go. If he freaks and says no, regardless of the reason, then yes you are.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I know, I have done everything to motivate him to tell her, move out, etc etc...but his financials are royally F'd. He doesn't have any means to move out or get a car of his own. The lease is up next week, but he made arrangements with the landlord to extend for another 60 days while he figures things out. I have told him on so many occassions that I need to remove myself until he fixes what he needs to him at home, but he continues to pursue and tell me we are the real deal. I am so confused.

[Pierre]

I know, I have done everything to motivate him to tell her, move out, etc etc...but his financials are royally F'd. He doesn't have any means to move out or get a car of his own. The lease is up next week, but he made arrangements with the landlord to extend for another 60 days while he figures things out. I have told him on so many occassions that I need to remove myself until he fixes what he needs to him at home, but he continues to pursue and tell me we are the real deal. I am so confused.

 

Sounds like typical bulldookie from a seasoned cheater. Please be careful.

[underwater2010]

Yep....you are the OW whether they are married or not. He is living with another woman.

 

Have you asked her what their relationship status is?

[Got it]

I know, I have done everything to motivate him to tell her, move out, etc etc...but his financials are royally F'd. He doesn't have any means to move out or get a car of his own. The lease is up next week, but he made arrangements with the landlord to extend for another 60 days while he figures things out. I have told him on so many occassions that I need to remove myself until he fixes what he needs to him at home, but he continues to pursue and tell me we are the real deal. I am so confused.

 

Then ask to meet with his ex as well so everything is in the open. The reasoning doesn't matter if he doesn't want the two parties to meet. He may have the most noble excuses in the world but he is engaging with two women without all parties on the up and up. That, my friend, is an affair. Let's call a spade a spade.

[whichwayisup]

I know, I have done everything to motivate him to tell her, move out, etc etc...but his financials are royally F'd. He doesn't have any means to move out or get a car of his own. The lease is up next week, but he made arrangements with the landlord to extend for another 60 days while he figures things out. I have told him on so many occassions that I need to remove myself until he fixes what he needs to him at home, but he continues to pursue and tell me we are the real deal. I am so confused.

 

Then distance yourself from all this until he sorts his life out. Don't let him manipulate you into staying around, otherwise you'll be enabling him to just stay with her and keep you on the side. If you ever want a healthy relationship with him, you gotta back off and put some distance between you two for a while. Tell him he has until the end of the summer. You need to put a time limit on this, otherwise you'll be waiting and waiting.

 

LISTEN to your gut. Please.

[TaraMaiden]

I have told him on so many occassions that I need to remove myself until he fixes what he needs to him at home, but he continues to pursue and tell me we are the real deal. I am so confused.

 

The only reason he succeeds in telling you you're 'the real deal' is because you respond, and let him "in".

 

Cease responding.

Tell him until and unless he is completely free and unencumbered by any other commitment or relationship, as far as you are concerned, he's off-limits - and so are you.

Tell him the only type of contact you're willing to listen to and entertain, is the confirmation that he is indeed, completely free of any other emotional commitment or connection.

 

Until then - you will no longer respond.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I do have to distance myself. Believe me when I say I have tried. but I need to commit to my decision. He asked to meet me today for lunch, and I don't know if I should.

[TaraMaiden]

NO!! YOU SHOULDN'T!!!

 

Please listen to us!!

 

AS things stand - you are not his priority!

 

YOU are his OPTION!!

 

He already HAS a priority - which is why he's not done with her yet, or prepared to compromise the child's life!

 

While he is in her life, and in close proximity to her, he is not with you!

 

Please LISTEN to what we're telling you!

 

You are heading for a three-way disaster zone!

 

Guaranteed that when and if his living arrangements are sorted, he will STILL feel obligated to be round his ex "For the little girls' sake... " He will be reluctant to 'disrupt her life'...

 

Well tell me - can you remember a single thing from when you were two?

No, neither can I!

 

She WILL get over it...But he will use it as a perennial excuse!

 

Until YOU are number one in his mind, and he devotes all his time to you - BACK OFF!!

 

Close him off and tell him the above, from my previous post!!

 

Where does any of it NOT make sense - ?!

[starryeyedsurprise]

Yes, unfortunately, she does have a history of violence. Her and the baby's father used to physically fight constantly, and she even tried to punch the man I am seeing about a month ago. So yes, I am afraid of what she would do to me, him, our work, etc.

 

This is such a mess, I know what I need to do. I just needed an outside opinion. Thank you all for your thoughts, everything you all have been saying is exactly what I have been thinking. Every situation is different, every relationship has its problems. The problems in this relationship are almost to much to take. I have become depressed.

[JustAReformedGirl]

The depression is understandable. The relationship needs to be put on the back burner until he makes those changes (if he ever does).

 

If he does, maybe you two can work things out. If not, try not to take it too badly. I know it hurts when you have your hopes set on something, but things will get better. They'll either improve with this guy, or you'll find someone you can trust.

[TaraMaiden]

.....The problems in this relationship are almost to much to take. I have become depressed.

 

Then it's not a 'relationship'.

It's a toxic, dysfunctional emotional roller-coaster which is heading down more than up, leaving you fearful and sick to your stomach.

 

Cancel lunch. Tell him it's not a good thing right now, and doesn't feel right.

 

Note:

I didn't say to tell him you don't think it's a good thing right now - tell him you KNOW it isn't.

Convince yourself - though I don't believe you need much persuasion.

 

Just text the following.

 

"I'm cancelling lunch. It's a bad idea to be involved while your personal life is still a mess. Contact me when it's all behind you. Until then, let's go our separate ways."

 

Word for word.

 

Then - do not reply to anything he may respond with, except with this:

 

Text Blocker activated. Your message was not delivered. Further attempts will result in this service being charged to your account.

 

Block him, delete his number and go AWOL.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I have taken the last few days to myself and really think about this f'd up situation. It is all making sense to me now. He is using me and he is using his "ex". For what I don't know, and I don't feel like figuring it out anymore.

 

For example, we had plans for the entire evening, all week we made these plans and couldn't wait to hang out....then guess what, last minute he tells me he can only see me from 5:00 to 7:00 because something f'd up happened...oh really!!!!

 

 

Either way, with the push and pull we have on each other for the last 4 months has made me sick, and I am done, done, done. With all his broken promises and false expectations. I did want to believe him, but I am so happy it has only taken a few months to figure it out and didn't waste any more time. I am a hardworking, single mother and I deserve better. I can't say that I will miss him, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I do know that I am completely going to cut him out of my life.

 

The only thing that is sad about this whole relationship was him lying and manipulating everything. It's sad that a 32 year old man can be so far gone in his head that he doesn't know truth from fiction. I am not going to blame his past and upbringing, he can make the change to get off the couch and fix his life. I am not here to fix his life.

 

Sorry for the vent, I am just coming to realize that I was being used again.

 

I started today with the text blocking and will continue forward. Nobody, including him will destroy my path. I have come to far in this life to have his BS mess with me anymore.

[Pierre]

I have taken the last few days to myself and really think about this f'd up situation. It is all making sense to me now. He is using me and he is using his "ex". For what I don't know, and I don't feel like figuring it out anymore.

 

For example, we had plans for the entire evening, all week we made these plans and couldn't wait to hang out....then guess what, last minute he tells me he can only see me from 5:00 to 7:00 because something f'd up happened...oh really!!!!

 

 

Either way, with the push and pull we have on each other for the last 4 months has made me sick, and I am done, done, done. With all his broken promises and false expectations. I did want to believe him, but I am so happy it has only taken a few months to figure it out and didn't waste any more time. I am a hardworking, single mother and I deserve better. I can't say that I will miss him, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I do know that I am completely going to cut him out of my life.

 

The only thing that is sad about this whole relationship was him lying and manipulating everything. It's sad that a 32 year old man can be so far gone in his head that he doesn't know truth from fiction. I am not going to blame his past and upbringing, he can make the change to get off the couch and fix his life. I am not here to fix his life.

 

Sorry for the vent, I am just coming to realize that I was being used again.

 

I started today with the text blocking and will continue forward. Nobody, including him will destroy my path. I have come to far in this life to have his BS mess with me anymore.

 

Four months is nothing. You will be fine. Some women in the forum spend 10 years figuring these things out.

 

Good luck!

[starryeyedsurprise]

Just a quick update. The last communication I had with this man.....

 

last week, he was calling and texting me non-stop. So I texted him back saying that until he told both women (myself and the ex) the truth, then I want no more of this "relationship". I haven't heard from him since. He doesn't have it in him. If he truely wanted me only, he would have told her about me months ago. Instead he caused anxiety in his own mind because he was lying to her and lying to me.

 

It has been a few days, and I am starting the feel a little better. I have to stick to my gut and listen to my head. He is not good for me, he is toxic. He lives with his "ex", who is still trying to win him back.

 

I can almost guarantee you that after I stopped communicating with him, he went home to play happy family with her and her child.....not that it matters, it's just what these types of guys do. He didn't want to tell her about me becuase he needed an option in case I would leave.

 

No contact is going to be difficult, especially since we will see each other at work....guess I will have to hide in the bathroom when it's time for him to walk through the office at noon, lol. I have to joke about this because my situation is soooooo sad. Thanks for listenening.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Major kudos for standing your ground. You should be very proud of yourself, for seeing him for what he is, and making the right choice in regard to that.

 

Minus the children, one of my friends was notorious for dating too soon, every time his GF and him would break up. So, he'd start dating a girl (all the while making comparisons between them-not to them, but to the rest of his friends), and when his ex GF would come around, saying she missed him, he'd drop the new girl.

 

If the new girl tried to contact to find out why, he'd act as if they were crazy stalkers, when meanwhile all they wanted was closure.

 

This guy sounds a bit like my friend, in that regard. You're better off with someone who knows what they want, and sticks to it, instead of only dating you, waiting for their ex to come back around.

 

On the plus side, now you know what to watch out for, in the future.

[TaraMaiden]

.....

No contact is going to be difficult, especially since we will see each other at work....guess I will have to hide in the bathroom when it's time for him to walk through the office at noon, lol. I have to joke about this because my situation is soooooo sad. Thanks for listenening.

 

Do not let this man change you, or change what you bdo.,

Nobody has a right to do that, and it only proves he holds some kind of power over you still.

 

Live your life AS IF you were completely indifferent to him (in other words, 'fake it until you make it).

 

Do not hide, don't avoid, don't evade.

Stand your ground - both metaphorically AND Literally.

 

What you do avoid, is:

 

• Eye contact
  
• Idle chatter
  
• Personal talk
  
• Being alone with him
  
• Temptation to engage
  
• Temptation to respond.
  

 

Act as if he were an annoying and persistent nuisance.

 

Talk only about work, and related work matters.

Be as monosyllabic as you can, and terminate any discussion as quickly as you can.

 

This doesn't break No Contact.

This emphasises it.

[2sure]

Good for you. You were totally being snowed. I'm actually surprised he didn't ask you for money .

[starryeyedsurprise]

Today is day 1 of NC. I have finally got the guts to do this. I love him, I really do…..but he has lied to and kept things away from me for too long now. He lives with his ex, who he proposed to last year…..that means he lives with his ex-fiance. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. Now I know he told me he tried with her, blah blah blah and that he was done with the relationship long before I came along, but the bottom line is that he still lives with her. They are moving out at the end of the month, not sure where either one of them are going because neither one of them has a job. He got fired from work 2 weeks ago, and I was helping him out. I did the stupid thing of helping him…by making up a resume, filing his unemployment, taking him to the sec of state to fix his ID, and sending out his resume to job postings. I thought I was doing the right thing by helping him out….but I can’t save him.

This whole time I’ve thought, hey what about me? Why can’t I see when I want? Why do I only get 3 -4 hour blocks of time? Why no more sleep overs? Why why why why why!!!!! He did come and help me at my son’s b-day party this past weekend, even purchased a very expensive give, helped me set up and clean….I wish his situation was fixed, and I feel terrible….does this make me selfish? I keep going back and forth.

 

So today is day 1 NC, I told him last night that I was not happy, and I haven’t been. I go from incredible highs to incredible lows with him. I hate when we are not together, I hate when he goes home, I hate that he is not available. I am 100% available and jump through hoops for him. My mind and thoughts are consumed by him. He agreed and said he doesn’t want to fight and wished me the best.

 

I need strength…I need help to get through this.

Edited August 7, 2013 by starryeyedsurprise

[fanine]

 

I need strength…I need help to get through this.

 

There are many of us in the same boat. just keep strong and take care of yourself. You may slip up, but do not punish yourself if that happens either. Gradually over time it will get easier, and you will be able to see the real picture. Good luck x