First Love should I go back?

[Opentruth]

21 years ago I fell in love with her when we met at a mountain lake during 4th of July. I was a local in the area and she was visiting. It was like all those movies you see where guy from mountains meets girl who visits mountain lake.

 

The first thing I noticed about her is how beautiful her eyes were. So after her and her friend bumped into me on my paddle board, as I laid out catching some sun, I invited her to see the fireworks that night and since then my life has never been the same.

 

She was young, barely 18 and there was almost 10 years difference between us, so I was in college and not interested in anything but a friendship as school was more important to me.

 

She wanted to exclusively date me, but I was interested in completing my schoolwork and told her I was afraid I couldn't treat her the way I felt she should be as I didn't have much money to take her out and school was more important to me. She agreed that it was OK with her, as she just wanted to hang out as she enjoyed my company.

 

We were like two peas in a pod. I always made time for her, even when I needed to study, as she made me feel I could be myself. We used to chase each other in the grass and fall down laughing exhausted.

 

My friends began to wonder where I found her, she was so cute they would say. I was surprised, as initially I only saw her as a young girl, kind of like the younger sister I never had, but I was not thinking of her as a girlfriend.

 

Well then one day I woke up and I saw a beautiful person, and suddenly things changed, we had been hanging out for about 6 months at this point.

 

So I talked about what I wanted to do, finish college, get a job. I asked her, and her response was, "I want to have a big family, a lot of kids"

 

I always felt that getting an education and a career was more important. And I had hoped she would go to school first.

 

Her parents liked me, and I used to come over and tutor her youngest brother in math. She had two sisters and a brother.

 

Then one day, I overheard her parents hinting about us being together, they were asking her where she wanted to live, and she said here in this town near you. They responded, "but what if he wants to", referring to me, live somewhere else?"

 

I was young barely 24 and I was not ready to settle down. She broke down crying on the phone one day before she was off to a family wedding in her family at another state. Her friends were laughing at her as she had been drinking a few wine coolers, which was not her, as she didn't drink, and when I got her on the phone, she said she wanted to marry me.

 

I just considered it the alcohol talking and didn't take it seriously. How could I, she was still so young and I knew she could change her mind easily at that age.

 

Well, when her parents found out that I was not seriously interested they introduced her to someone else, a friend of the family and suggested they date.

 

When she came back and I did not hear from her, I called. She blew me off, said she was not allowed to see me anymore and that her parents had set her up with someone else.

 

What? I was heart broken. I got defensive initially, but for weeks afterwords I took her flowers and candy begging her back.

 

Well it didn't work. So I finally decided I needed to move on.

 

I met someone else. Was dating about 1 month when she called me and said, "What are you up to?" When I told her I was with my girlfriend she got jealous.

 

I didn't understand, all the time that I tried to get her back and she wouldn't give me the time of day and now she is jealous?

 

Well, she asked to see me. I was still in love with her and I hadn't been dating my current girlfriend for more than a few weeks, so I agreed. My current girlfriend was heart broken as i got in my car and went to see my ex-girlfriend, as I said I was not over her yet.

 

When I met her, she spelled her heart out, told me she was always in love with me and wanted me back. I was shocked, didn't know what to do. Went home, thought about it, and decided I did still love her so I wanted to go back. But when I picked up the phone to call, she was angry, she said, "I poured my heart out to you and you just sat there?", I tried to explain that I was shocked as she had pushed me away for so long and at first didn't know how to react.

 

But she hung up the phone. What was I to do? I felt so rejected. So I called my current girlfriend back and said that it didn't work out and that we would stay together.

 

Move forward 6 months. My girlfriend and I had decided to move in together. Things were going well. The phone rings and it is my old girlfriend again. She says she needs money, she is in a bad situation and needs to get out. She living out of state and needed to move but did not have the money. I didn't think twice and dropped a check in the mail.

 

She moved back home with her parents. Next thing I know I hear she is getting married. Apparently she met a guy, had sex, got pregnant and, being a devout Catholic planned on getting married, a shotgun wedding sort of speak.

 

I was really hurt when I heard this happened to her. Called her and asked if she was happy. She said yes.

 

I still had feelings for her even though I was dating someone else. But if she was getting married I guess that was it. She called me up after about a few months, completely out of the blue and suggested the 4 of us, me and her husband go out with me and my girlfriend and have dinner or do something. I thought she was crazy. I still cared for her and she was hurting me, I don't think I could be friends.

 

I didn't hear from her for awhile, and my life continued with my current girlfriend as we had been living together now for almost 7 years.

 

But my ex-girlfriend would come to mind from time to time. The relationship I had with her felt so natural, I was so happy, I couldn't forget the wonderful times we spent together, as the memories played over and over in my mind like old silent films.

 

So I thought I would try and contact her, just to see if she was OK and what she was up too. I sent a letter, and shortly thereafter I got a call at work. She said she now had 3 children, and she sounded happy. I was so glad, i think I could finally move on, as a part of me thought she may have missed me as well, but that was not the case.

 

Well, after talking a bit she said there were troubles in her marriage and that she was going through a divorce.

 

because I cared, I wanted to help her. I tried to tell her that I was not available but she said she loved me and always did. I did still care for her, so things got a little too close between us.

 

My current girlfriend was understandably upset. But at the same time, she felt I needed to work something out with my ex, so she allowed me to talk to her.

 

In the end, I decided I couldn't deal with the fact that my ex-, if she loved me, could go off and have three children with someone else and that now I was hurt.

 

She told me that she felt she needed to make her marriage work? I asked, "How could you have three children with someone supposedly that you didn't love?"

 

Well, we broke off communication..I was angry and hurt with the whole thing, seeing her again, but her lack of understanding on how she hurt me.

 

I called her up one day and she said that she met someone else and that she got pregnant.

 

OH sh#t! I thought. not again.. I hung up the phone and convinced myself this girl was a mess. Over the last 10 years my ex would try and contact me, send me an email out of the blue, or a message to facebook online. But I ignored the messages, I needed to move on, as I was hurt by her, how could she do the same thing twice.

 

In a moment of weakness, I finally just sent her an email asking how she was doing?

 

Now here we are 21 years later and she has 6 kids now, 3 from one husband and 3 from another. She is going through her second divorce and says she has always been in love with me.

 

My current girlfriend and I are still together after almost 20 years. We haven't married or had children but we have been living together for 17 years. I am now settled in a good career and we are very comfortable.

 

I think a part of me was still in love with my ex and so I never married, never had children even though my current girlfriend loves me dearly and wants to start a family.

 

Well the time clock is ticking and I have to get on it. I am in a place where I want to begin a family now.

 

But my ex- now that she is going through her second divorce wants to give us a try.

 

I think about 6 kids and all the responsibility, and normally that would turn me off, but when I see her, even though we are just friends, as I set those boundaries, I feel so wonderful. I do feel as if I have been in love with her all these years. I tried to forget but I can't

 

What do I do? I am afraid if I stop talking to her that I will still think about her and it prevents a part of me from being here in my relationship with a woman that has given me almost 20 years of her life. But I don't want to begin a family unless I get over my old ex?

 

Is there anyone out there that can relate to this crazy story?

 

My current girlfriend wants me to work it out with my ex, says that I need to get it out and off my chest so I can move on with her and start a family. But my ex wants to be friends and hopes that we can get back together some day as she finally realizes she has to stop running to other men when she has been in love with me the whole time.

 

I still have very strong feelings for her too, but I also love my current girlfriend, I just find my heart torn in two directions. In my current relationship it is more intellectual, like we are good friends. But we have been together so long, honestly, is that a bad thing?

 

But my ex, well I have always been crazy about her, she was the one. But I cannot help but think that something is wrong with her and that I need to stay where I am.

 

So can i finally hang up the phone and move on, or will I always be haunted by thoughts of her?

 

What do I do?

[will1988]

So you have been exclusively dating the same woman for 20 years and have yet to get married? WTF? So you may have been stringing along another humanbeing for 20 years because you are stuck on some your first real girl friend? my god, I feel very sorry for your current girl friend! Most guys go through a period of time where they miss the good things about their first love... that is natural. However, acting upon those fantasies is ill-advisable. Also, this woman has been married 2 times and has 6 children from both men... do you want to be man number three and pop out 3 more and then she leaves you for the next guy? She sounds like a very devout Catholic to me

 

Re-read some of the stuff you wrote about her. I am half your age, roughly.... and I can tell you she seems immature and a little bit nutty. Stop thinking about your ex, it is just fantasy, and start focusing on the women who might as well be your wife. while you're at it, give her a ring or something!

[BC1980]

This sounds like it has potential to crash and burn. You might have a fantasy about how you think your life might be with your ex, but it could be something you have built up over the years, not real life. For example, a relative of mine carried on an affair for 30 yrs if his marriage with his "soulmate" as he claimed. When he finally got a divorce and moved in with this woman, they were over within a year and he was on to the next. I'm illustrating the point that she might be attractive because she was unattainable. Realit could be harsher.

 

Now, I don't know that your situation will end up this way, but are you willing to sacrifice 20 years of stability for something that might blow up in your face? I also have to question why you aren't married to yoir current girlfriend. I'm afraid that adds an entirely new dimension to it.

[Opentruth]

This sounds like it has potential to crash and burn. You might have a fantasy about how you think your life might be with your ex, but it could be something you have built up over the years, not real life. For example, a relative of mine carried on an affair for 30 yrs if his marriage with his "soulmate" as he claimed. When he finally got a divorce and moved in with this woman, they were over within a year and he was on to the next. I'm illustrating the point that she might be attractive because she was unattainable. Realit could be harsher.

 

Now, I don't know that your situation will end up this way, but are you willing to sacrifice 20 years of stability for something that might blow up in your face? I also have to question why you aren't married to yoir current girlfriend. I'm afraid that adds an entirely new dimension to it.

 

 

BC1980,

 

Thanks for your response. I think that you are right, it has to be a fantasy that would not work. I also have to consider the fact that she has six kids from two different husbands. Ironically my relationship has lasted longer then both of her marriages.

 

The toughest part is I cannot seem to forget about her. We went almost 10 years, and she attempted to contact me while I avoided the emails, thinking eventually I would get over it. But something won't let me forget keeps me hanging on.

 

She spoke of when we went on a date and had one of our first kisses, how the world seemed to stop. I think we both never felt that with anyone else.

 

I am a pretty intellectual thinking and usually my mind can keep my emotions in the back ground. But this one has me stumped. Because when I was with her it was solely emotional.

 

I am skeptical of love, as I would rather tend to think we are attracted to other people for biological reasons. But perhaps, even though I dated this person for barely over a year, it has had more effect on me then any other relationship I have had.

 

I read somewhere that when you have a first love, it is like your brain gets wired at that moment and everything else after that is a comparison. Kinda like the first time you tasted something and used that reference to remember. Like the first time I had root beer with my dad. To this day, whenever I taste the drink I flash back to A&W Rootbeer

 

So the memories with her are so vivid, and even though 20 years have gone by the rise to the surface quickly without effort.

 

As far as my current girlfriend, yes we have a wonderful relationship. But the intimacy is not the same. I like being close to someone, it isn't about the sex necessarily, it is about being able to lay in bed and feel like you are at home.

 

My ex brought out who I am and made me feel comfortable with myself. And the sex was awesome. I am in a place where i want to start a family of my own, but I have fears that it wouldn't be wise if I continue to be haunted by the past.

 

My Ex and I are talking, and I have set boundaries which we will not cross. I have learned a lot about the past and her perspectives, so it is good to think about things and realize that we both always cared for each other even though sometimes we seemed distant, as it was often our defenses.

 

But there comes a time when I feel I do need to let go. My ex thinks we can be friends, but I don't think I can. I still care for her way too much and unlike any other woman, the idea of her being with another man, even though she has been with two husbands at this point, again, makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I just don't want to go through the rejection all over again and I believe, at least I think the writing is on the wall, that even though she says she has learned some things and isn't running now, that I would be husband number 3. I just find it hard to believe that she could marry two men and not be in love with them??

 

As far as my current girlfriend, well because of lack of chemistry we are more like partners. We moved in together 18 years ago and just took things one day at a time. Those who know us think we are a great couple. I have no doubt she is in love with me and some day I imagine we would get married, but I feel like I need to get this other stuff off of my chest.

 

Yes, I know, suck it up and move on. i have tried, for 10 years I tried to forget but it haunted me...

 

My biggest fear is that I will have a child with my current girlfriend/wife and I will have second thoughts. I also think that maybe there is a possibility that once I see my own child my whole perspective will change?

 

Is there anyone else out there that can relate to this?