What comes naturally to you?

[Betterthanthis13]

In the past few days I've pretty much made the decision that its over with my boyfriend because even though I know he loves me to death, a future with him is most likely going to be much of the same as the past. He cheated on me several times last year and while he has stopped, it continues to be a struggle for him to just do the things a decent partner would do, such as cut contact with former sexual partners and be transparent. I posted about that yesterday.

 

I am somewhat baffled because this guy is not selfish or uncaring. He is not a sociopath or narcissist. It just seems like his natural preference throughout his life has been to date multiple women. He's always been like that. It actually makes him miserable because it has caused him a lot of pain and prvented him from experiencing lasting love. I am the longest relationship he's had.

 

I told him I think we should be friends and I think he needs to read some Dan Savage and be honest with himself and go find a girl that identifies as polyamorous and stop torturing himself with all this "changing" nonsense because its not working

 

I am naturally monogamous and happy that way and cheating and lying make me completely miserable

 

He INSISTS he can and will change and that the text to that girl lat week was a stupid thoughtless mistake

 

I'm not buying it

 

We are 2 months in to a 12 month lease.

 

Anyone have any stories that I can relate to? Suggestions? Reading matierials I can give him? Movies he should watch? Books I should read? I guess I'm in limbo for awhile I might as well improve myself while I'm here.

[BetrayedH]

Here's a link to a thread for wayward spouses. I know you're not married but it can give both of you a clue about what true remorse looks like. The section on Jacob's letter can be particularly helpful for waywards to understand why you have endless questions and NEED answers and transparency.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Betterthanthis13]

Thanks for the thread link. That pretty much sums up exactly how I feel and what I would would have wanted from a truly repentant partner. I wish I had seen that last year during all the madness. I gave it to him.

 

In an interesting turn of events, in the past 24 hours he has come to the conclusion that he fits into the category of having a sex addiction. He doesn't want an open relationship with me or anyone else so it's not that he desires multiple partners. He doesn't get off on the thrill of the cheating itself. He's not a narcissist who feels entitled to cheat. He feels a lot of shame and confusion and never has any logical answers to any of my questions.

 

So he went to a SAA meeting yesterday and at his request I went with him. It was interesting. He bought their book and last night read the introduction out loud when we got home. The description of behavior and feelings were shockingly dead on to what he has been experiencing his whole life when it comes to sex and women. I really haven't said much the past week or so but when he was done reading I asked him what he thought and he said yeah that's exactly me. He says he feels really overwhelmed and is terrified I am done with him but also feels a sense of relief that he has a "diagnosis" for lack of a better word. He got the numbers of a couple of guys from the meeting and is on the phone with one of them right now and plan I g to go to another meeting tomorrow.

 

I'm just kind of numb and kind of using this thread to get my feelings out. I feel pretty alone. I really love this guy and have never been able to understand why I didn't just leave him many many times over the last few years. Even when I did get fed up and physically break up with him and leave I still loved him.

 

You guys don't know me but that is extremely out of character for me. I have a very low tolerance for bull****, cheating or abuse of any sort from men. I have a pretty good track record of picking good guys in the past and efficiently getting rid of douchebags. The last few years are a freaking mystery to me.

 

Maybe this new claim of sex addiction is just the latest from him in behavior justification and I really am just that much of a dumbass. Who knows. Right now I'm just trying to go day by day without my head exploding.

 

If anyone managed to read all this rambling, thanks for reading and if you have any input I welcome it.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for the thread link. That pretty much sums up exactly how I feel and what I would would have wanted from a truly repentant partner. I wish I had seen that last year during all the madness. I gave it to him.

 

In an interesting turn of events, in the past 24 hours he has come to the conclusion that he fits into the category of having a sex addiction. He doesn't want an open relationship with me or anyone else so it's not that he desires multiple partners. He doesn't get off on the thrill of the cheating itself. He's not a narcissist who feels entitled to cheat. He feels a lot of shame and confusion and never has any logical answers to any of my questions.

 

So he went to a SAA meeting yesterday and at his request I went with him. It was interesting. He bought their book and last night read the introduction out loud when we got home. The description of behavior and feelings were shockingly dead on to what he has been experiencing his whole life when it comes to sex and women. I really haven't said much the past week or so but when he was done reading I asked him what he thought and he said yeah that's exactly me. He says he feels really overwhelmed and is terrified I am done with him but also feels a sense of relief that he has a "diagnosis" for lack of a better word. He got the numbers of a couple of guys from the meeting and is on the phone with one of them right now and plan I g to go to another meeting tomorrow.

 

I'm just kind of numb and kind of using this thread to get my feelings out. I feel pretty alone. I really love this guy and have never been able to understand why I didn't just leave him many many times over the last few years. Even when I did get fed up and physically break up with him and leave I still loved him.

 

You guys don't know me but that is extremely out of character for me. I have a very low tolerance for bull****, cheating or abuse of any sort from men. I have a pretty good track record of picking good guys in the past and efficiently getting rid of douchebags. The last few years are a freaking mystery to me.

 

Maybe this new claim of sex addiction is just the latest from him in behavior justification and I really am just that much of a dumbass. Who knows. Right now I'm just trying to go day by day without my head exploding.

 

If anyone managed to read all this rambling, thanks for reading and if you have any input I welcome it.

 

It could be him just spinning more bull crap.

 

Or it could be that he's really ready to dig deep to find out why he's been a cheater. This is really probably the most critical piece for reconciliation. If he can determine his personal "why," then he might be better suited to avoiding the use of this coping mechanism in the future and in turn, you might be able to trust that you won't suffer a repeat performance.

[tbf]

He feels a lot of shame and confusion and never has any logical answers to any of my questions.

Did you know shame underpins NPD and BPD?

[Betterthanthis13]

Thanks for replies. I am extremely wary of believing anything he says right now. Only time will tell if he's actually interested in "recovering from addiction" or is just playing a Hail Mary.

 

I thought NPD was characterized by a lack of empathy for others and a sense of entitlement? How does shame fit into that? Shame seems contradictory. That is interesting to know. Ok google here I come. Lol

[Blu_crush]

This is really helpful for me - I really care deeply for someone that is similar to this - I suppose I refer to him as a player. He states he wants a relationship - yet doesn't - yet loves me - yet cannot stay longer than a few months off dating sites and meeting other women. He tells me he needs other women for his self esteem and to learn new things about himself. Regardless of his behavior, I love him, and he manages to come back to me over and over. My story is on another thread under this category - in love with a player

[tbf]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201201/shame-is-the-root-narcissistic-borderline-personality-disorders

[Betterthanthis13]

That was an interesting read, tbf. Thanks for the link. That actually brings some possible insight into my last ltr- that guy was diagnosed NPD about a year after we split up. Interestingly, he was not a cheater.

 

A person has to exhibit 5 or more of the traits below to be considered NPD

 

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

 

It COULD be argued that current guy is displaying some of these behaviors specifically where it relates to women, porn, and cheating. But in all other aspects of his life the NPD thing is way off base from his personality. So who knows. I am not a psychiatrist.

 

It actually kind of sucks because if I honestly thought he was NPD I'd run run run. Those people do not change. My ex is still the same bastard today as he was when I was with him and I feel bad for his wife. He still calls me from time to time to tell me how awesome he is. He laughed at the NPD diagnosis when he called to tell me and said, l thought you would like to know my new idiot doctor has the same theory about me as you did. Then asked me if I'd seen his pictures on Facebook and did I think he still looked as good as he did before?

 

Yeah.