Cheating/Secret Marriage...Boyfriend of 5 Years!

[pugs390]

So to give you guys a little background story into our relationship, I knew my ex all through my adolescent years and we were always very good friends and hung out in the same circles. When we were 18 years old, we started dating. He struggled with addiction problems in the beginning and I had told him I could not date someone who was involved in drugs and encouraged him to get the help he needed. He went to an in-patient treatment center and I supported him through it, and in the weeks following his release, I continued to help him through his recovery process. As time went on, we began dating. Everything was great and I had never been happier in my life. A year into our relationship, he decided to join the Marines. I was nervous about being in a long-distance relationship, especially because we spent every second together up until he left for boot camp, but I ultimately decided that I loved him too much to let a long distance situation break up our relationship. So, I stayed in the relationship and patiently waited and supported him throughout his time in the Marines. He was stationed in California and I was living, working, and going to school in our home state of Massachusetts, so it was not easy to maintain a relationship, but I put thousands and thousands of dollars into visiting him as much as I could to keep our love alive. He was also deployed twice to Afghanistan, both times for 7 months, which was also hard because we could rarely even speak. There were definitely bumps in our relationship, there were times he would come home on leave and act distant or choose partying with friends over spending time with me, and it hurt me alot. However, I made excuse after excuse for him because of his deployments and the stress he had in his life. Plus, like clockwork, every time he came home and acted that way, he would apologize and beg for forgiveness and I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Well, fast forwarding a little bit, this year was his last year in the Marines, and he was to be released in March of 2013. We had been dating for 5 years. He had expressed wishes of wanting to stay and live out in California once he got out, so I was looking into transferring schools and applying to jobs out there. I was so happy for him to finally have some freedom in his life, that I basically was willing to relocate to wherever as long as he was doing what he wanted to do and loved. It was hard to tell my friends and family that I most likely would be moving to California, and if I expressed any concern to my ex about it, he would get all frustrated and withdraw from me for days. So, I felt like I wasn't really getting the support that I needed from him. Around the same time, I received news that I had to get a biopsy of some of my breast tissue done. I was very, very scared so I didn't really tell anyone after I first found out, besides my ex. His reaction was somewhat cold: when I expressed that I was nervous, he simply replied "Haven't you had one before?" I was a little disappointed by his reaction because I had indeed gotten a biopsy before, but it doesn't make it any less scary for the next time you get one. But anyways, I brushed that off and just hoped for the best. Unfortunately, my biopsy results were atypical, precancerous, and to take the safe measure, I had a very small lumpectomy procedure scheduled. When I told him about this, he seemed a little more supportive this time, asking a lot of questions as though he was concerned. It made me feel a little more loved to know that he may be worried about my unfortunate results.

 

However, a few days later, I realized I must have misinterpreted his skepticism as concern, because on Christmas night he called me extremely intoxicated and starting accusing me of making the entire thing up. He was yelling over me and asking the same question over and over again: "Do you have cancer or not?!?" and I was trying to explain that the tissue was precancerous and that is not a good thing so we were removing the area and hoping that no other areas of my breast came back positive for cancerous cells, but he kept yelling the same thing "Do you have cancer or not?!?". I felt stupid and I felt betrayed by him and I could not even believe that I was explaining myself in this situation to him. He said that he was with his friend and his friend's wife and the wife had said that she has had plenty of biopsies and it doesn't mean anything. I explained that it was great for her that her biopsies went well, but my results were not good so that is why it was a more serious issue. I was so humiliated that he had even shared my medical concerns with two people I had never met, and now they were all discussing it together and calling my bluff. It was awful. I finally hung up the phone and he texted me "Not even trying to sound mean but I just don't love you anymore." I couldn't believe he was saying all these things to me at all, nevermind on Christmas night. I just tried my best to go to sleep.

 

About 3 days later, he texted me apologizing and saying that he didn't mean it when he said he didn't love me and that he hopes my procedure goes well and saying that he wanted to keep me in his life. Like an idiot, I accepted his apology and we moved on from it. About 2 months later (a month before he was going to be getting out of the Marines), I was hanging out with a bunch of mutual friends and I heard one mention that he was going to be driving home from California to Massachusetts with Tom (my ex) when he got out of the Marines. I thought it was odd that he had not mentioned this to me, so I asked Tom about it. He immediately went on the defensive and denied that this friend had ever said that and accused me of being a crazy girlfriend and making it all up. However, 2 weeks later he admitted that the friend was indeed going out to visit.

 

From this point on, things progressively got worse. I noticed him being very flirtatious with a bunch of random girls on his Instagram account. It was very humiliating to me, as he was doing it for everyone to see and he had a very serious girlfriend of 5 years. When I confronted him about it, he did not answer and I didn't hear from him for 2 whole weeks. Randomly one day he texted me and said "I got out of the Marines today, thanks for being there for me through tough times". And of course, me being the pathetic girlfriend that glorified every little positive thing he did, I responded saying how happy I was and proud of him I was. However, a few days later I found out extremely devastating news. One of my girlfriends was in a bar and overheard Tom's ex girlfriend talking about him and her got into a contract marriage. She told me this and I was in utter shock. The girl was his ex-girlfriend, from our hometown, who we went to school with for years, and she was openly talking about being married to my boyfriend in front of a bunch of people in a bar. I confronted Tom about it, and once again he put on the defensive. He admitted to getting married to his ex 2 YEARS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP, while home on leave, behind my back. THe two of them snuck off and went to the courthouse and then he left to Afghanistan, and the entire time I sat at home waiting for him to return, he was sending this other girl checks in the mail every month and she was using his insurance. He kept telling me it wasn't a big deal and to get over it because no feelings were involved, but I don't care what the reason was for doing it, they went behind my back and I was lied to for 2 entire years while I stuck by his side and supported him all along. Once he got angry by me explaining that it WAS a big deal, he also admitted to cheating on me with a bunch of his coworkers, whom he had always assured me were just good friends. I was so disgusted because I had trusted him so much and gave him so much freedom and never suspected any of this.

 

I was obviously very upset by the news, it felt like my whole world shattered around me. The man that I had dreamed of marrying for 5 whole years, had waited for 4 years of long distance, had supported him through addictions and military life, who I trusted with my all and was willing to move across the country and uproot my life for, had betrayed me in so many different ways. I was yelling and crying on the phone with him and he just hung up. Shortly after, I got an extremely verbally abusive text message from him placing all the blame on me for the demise of our relationship. He never once apologized or showed any remorse.

 

The next day he began his trip across country, and he never said another word to me. He went to raves and stopped at all these crazy spring break places along the way and was posting comments about all the beautiful girls he was seeing and how much fun he was having. It was heartbreaking for me, because I suddenly felt like my boyfriend, who was also my best friend, was just a complete stranger. He showed no care at all towards how I was doing. The second I questioned him, he had just taken off.

 

Somewhere along his trip, he accidentally text messaged me a picture of one of his friends posing with 2 girls at a club. This friend of his had a girlfriend back home, and Tom must have been scared that I would show her (which I would never get involved in) but he texted me this long threatening text message in which he told me that if I ever showed anyone that picture to get back at him, he would take the intimate pictures I had sent him while he was deployed in Afghanistan and post them on every single social media website there is--instagram, facebook, google, youtube. It was such an aggressively mean text message that I was in shock. This man had cheated on me, married someone behind my back, and emotionally damaged me by never even apologizing or explaining himself to me, and then the next time I hear from him it is something like that...it just absolutely killed me. I was besides myself and couldn't even leave my room for days.

 

When he finally did get back to our hometown, I still did not hear from him. It has now been months that he has been home and he parties and goes out and socializes with everyone as if he has no shame at all. He still has not apologized to me about anything. I have heard that he says the reason we broke up is because I texted him too much during his cross country trip home...when in reality, we weren't even regularly talking during that except for his threatening message that he sent me (HA!). So, it is very frustrating to see someone who has done so many horrible things to me getting along just fine in life and having everything work out for him. He seems very happy and he has actually maintained a friendship with the ex girlfriend whom he married, and they both look at me as being the enemy even though they are the 2 people who hurt me.

 

I am very confused by the whole situation, and he never gave me any closure because we were never able to have an adult conversation like I had wished. He was too defensive to talk on the phone and would only text message hurtful things. So basically, he just left me without an explanation or anything. All of this has left me in a deep depression. It is hard enough to cope with the realization that he cheated on me in so many drastic ways, and then it is even harder to cope with him being back in town and in the same social circle as me, acting as though I never even existed. It has caused me to lose my self confidence, question my own worth (why would he do this to me?), feel not good enough for him, and I'm just plain sad that what I thought was a 5 year long serious relationship, was all based on lies. I had waited so many lonely nights for 4 years of his military lifestyle, and he took advantage of my trust and my love. I was by no means perfect but I always loved and supported him, and the few times I needed his support in return, he ran away. All of this has made me feel very disposeable to him. The worst part is, I still love him very much, as much as I have every reason to hate him for what he's done to me. We live in a very small town and I am nowhere ready to be able to handle seeing him with another girl. I am so scared of how that will make me feel, and I know it is inevitable. I find myself becoming so sad about what happened and then becoming so angry at him, and then so angry at the universe by allowing him to be so unaffected by this break up while I struggle so harshly with it.

 

I'm just not sure how to get through this. I have never felt this low in my life, and I never ever expected him to even be capable of hurting me in this way. A few months ago I thought I was going to be living in California with the man of my dreams, and now I am stuck in this mess. On top of everything, he acts angry and hateful towards me, as though I was the one who hurt him. It all makes no sense at all. I am so confused and so unbelievably heartbroken and devastated. I am sorry for the length of this, but I just would like to hear some thoughts or ideas, or even related experiences if any of you have some. THanks!

 

Again, sorry for the length! It was quite the crazy situation...

[JessieJ08]

Sorry you had to deal with such a LOSER for so long. I would say that since he treated you so horrible you shouldn't care but you have been there for him for years. What I don't understand is from the beginning along time ago he sounded like a JERK and tho you were supportive of him he didn't seem supportive for you at all. and that is what a relationship is about even friendship, being there for each other. I don't see why you didn't let it go Along time ago once you seen how he clearly only wanted you around for himself. I feel you knew this deep down but stayed only because you cared fr him.

 

 

You already have closure he has given it to you over and over in a completely rude form, but its simple he is no good for you and is a coward. You dont need him because he doesn't care about any female. Let them talk bad why should you care about him and some dumb bimbo he married even worse she chose to stick around even seeing the type of guy he is. KARMA will come back to them soon you will hear she is in a worse situation then what he did to you.

 

Go find someone who cares and supports you before you give them any of your support you clearly deserve it if you put up with a loser like this guy for 5 years and still care enough about him to try to understand why he is a total dirt bag.

 

Just understand this also People that have bad intentions for others tend to do things horrible for no reason no one can explain not even them but most the time its just only because they are selfish.

 

Good luck I hope things get easier and you can get over what this dirt bag did to you.

[pteromom]

Holy cow. He's a jerk.

 

You can do so much better than this.

 

I don't know what he went through while he was deployed, but if he is dealing with PTSD, he could associate his relationship with you with what he went through. So his anger toward you could actually be anger toward what he saw over there or that he had to see it.

 

But at any rate, you need to move on. He's not good for you, and there is a man out there who will be supportive, kind, and loving - not just when it benefits HIM, but when it benefits you as well.

[pugs390]

I don't see why you didn't let it go Along time ago once you seen how he clearly only wanted you around for himself. I feel you knew this deep down but stayed only because you cared fr him.

 

^^^ You were 100% correct on that one. I should have left him, but my heart was so invested and I kept telling myself that things would get better once he got out of the Marines and we were living together. It was almost like I was brainwashed in a weird way. I put so much of myself into making him happy that I neglected my own self. I didn't want to admit to myself that someone I loved so much could ever treat me that way.

 

"KARMA will come back to them soon you will hear she is in a worse situation then what he did to you."

 

^^^I sure hope so! ha.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, it means a lot to get your feedback!

[pugs390]

MrDudeFace--

 

I actually still do have the text message. He doesn't indicate that the pictures are intimate, but you can tell by how he is using his language that they must be of some sort of nature for him to blackmail me with. The best part is, I never even responded to the picture that he accidentally sent me in the first place, instead he just got all paranoid and threatened me for no apparent reason. The picture he sent of his guy friend with his other friend's wife and cousin was a completely innocent picture that I thought nothing of! It's ridiculous and unnecessary. I wish I could upload attachments on here so I could show you guys the text. It actually is one of the least harsh, least mean things he said to me over the course of our break up, as sad as that is. haha. But thank you all for your support and words of wisdom..always appreciated.

[JessieJ08]

No problem

I went thru a situation like this with a guy in the military Even worse I ended up prego and I did the same thing while he was deployed I found out he was a serial cheater I forgave him because I believed that very same thing there was no way he didnt care for me I waited for him for 8 months he even made it back before our son was born and guess what it didnt change he came back and treated me worse.

 

He didnt show up for his sons birth then I find he married a female who not only was not worth missing his sons birth but this girl tried to fight me and showed up on my porch when I was 8 months prego.

 

Long story short She ended up cheating on him and getting pregnant by another man. He not only has to pay for child support but has lost rights to our son for my safety due to all the females trying to attack me while I was pregnant because it was that bad. The only reason he contacts with my me is to check up with my son other then that we dont talk and I really never will fall for that. But trust me when you hurt someone and their heart is into it there is always I price to pay and thats when karma comes in.

 

Trust me you will be Ok and really happy he is gone once your over the hurt Oh and if it isn't good in the beginning dont ever expect it to be great in the end. :-) Thats just something I learned from relationships.