unimoko Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 I have been thinking about somethings, especially about marriage. Like all women they dream of the day of living happily ever after with her prince charming. Unfortunately most miss the in between the meeting the prince charming and the happily ever after. I do not know wheter I am ranting, asking for advice, or simply giving words of wisdom but here goes. Marriage is a big deal and people rush into for all the wrong reasons: It will get better when we get married. We have been together so long. My parent's are still together, I want what they have. I am afraid to be alone. I want kids. And my all time favorite He/his parent's has money Ladies this all wrong! Marriage is building two independent people into a lifetime commitment. If you can not be happy by yourself, don't be expected to be happy when you are married. Most women do not understand the seriousness of marriage. So let's get to the main point: Let's say you do find your prince charming, marry and have kids. Is itr possible to manage a career, effictelvely raise childeren (not your nanny/mother-in-law raising them), and still have a great relaitonship with your husbansd? Is it possible, I feel tired after a 55 hour work schedule, I could not imagine even been able to manage a realtionship with a man, and I can not comprehend adding kids to the mix. Women today are expected to have it all together, but all too often I see wrecks of women trying who try to balance this. So.....Can you really have it all? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Yes, but not all at once. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Exactly Pap.....dump the career and you can have most of it......otherwise, don't bother to marry and have kids. It's all about priorities, this is the proper order in order to obtain success.....in my opinion: 1: God 2: Family 3: Yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 I was joking, actually Link to post Share on other sites
RachelOhOh Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Pap, you may have been joking but you really hit the nail on the head. To the outside world it might look like I 'have it all'. I am a succesful lawyer, with 2 gorgeous children and a husband of 10 years. We have a great circle of friends and seem to live a charmed life. The truth is - I feel constantly guilty for not spending enough time with my children, and when I do take time out for them I feel guilty for not spending enough time at work. My husband seems to glide through life, concentrating on his career and coming home seeing the kids for a few hours at night, with his dinner cooked for him and washing done. He is climbing the corporate ladder still while I am stuck in the same position because I have more of a sense of obligation to the domestic sphere. I feel bitter about how unequal our relationship is and we are drifting apart. The golden years were when we were together at the start of our marriage with no kids - everything was perfect. Sometimes I wish things had stayed that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Realistic Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Is the glass half empty or half full. Should we just give up now save the trouble of living life to the fullest. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Rachel, You must read a book by Alison Pearson called I Don't Know How She Does It. It's a very funny, sometimes sad account of the life of a woman in your position and the effect it has on her life and marriage. I've made massive sacrifices in my career to spend time with the kids. As soon as I went part time, I stopped getting promoted. The only women I know who have been able to have it all are those that are happy with the life as you have it now. The kids will be fine, it's you that are torn between your commitments. Everyone needs to find their own way through these choices and the solutions that are right for them. What doesn't help is the guilt. You are the best person to decide what's right for your family, not the many well meaning advocates who feel that they know what's best for your children. I know of many well balanced, emotionally sound, successful adults who have been raised in a wide variety of ways with varying degrees of parental contact, I'm sure you do too. At work, accept that your best will have to be good enough and the consequences of that decision, stop trying to pretend you don't have children. I don't know of a marriage where the there is an equitable split of domestic/childcare work. Your kids will not be young forever, it will get easier. Meanwhile, take some practical steps to improve things. Try and let go of the bitterness, it will destroy your marriage and he is the same person you loved all those years ago. Stop trying to live up to his expectations, he is surely capable of cooking dinner once in a while. Explain to him exactly how you are feeling and that you need more support. Make sure you have planned in some time to yourself at the same time every week (at least half a day), that will make all the difference to how you feel about your situation. The golden years were when we were together at the start of our marriage with no kids - everything was perfect. Sometimes I wish things had stayed that way. Rachel, you are not enjoying your family life and these precious years will pass quickly. Do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unimoko Posted October 17, 2004 Author Share Posted October 17, 2004 Wow, I want to hear from currently married women with or with out children. Is is possible to have it all? Right now I am single and making better choices or the men to date because I want to get married, but I do not want to invest energy into something that is just a dream. I do believe in God, Family, and Love but it is very difficult when you everywhere you turn all that matters is $$, great sex, and corportate success. Is there a middle ground? -unimoko Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 You can have it all but be prepared to prioritize and make sacrifices. Once you have a family your feelings on your career may change, and taking a few years off when the kids are small will become more of a priority for you. Once the kids start school, you can go back to your career, even if you have to start lower than where you left, and upgrade if you need to. After my second child was born I worked part time (took 6 months maternity leave with each child). I went full time when they started school and have been able to take courses and upgrade my position. My marriage is in the toilet now, but I still believe I have it all (including a lover on the side! I know, not funny!). Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Here's what I got from you all posting: "The truth is - I feel constantly guilty for not spending enough time with my children, and when I do take time out for them I feel guilty for not spending enough time at work." "Rachel, you are not enjoying your family life and these precious years will pass quickly. Do something about it." "My marriage is in the toilet now, but I still believe I have it all (including a lover on the side! I know, not funny!)." This reinforces my belief, ( My belief, so do what you will, it's only an opinion ). Stay at home and raise a family. Then you will have it all! Decide what's more important to you.....having children or a career. You won't be happy with both, instead you'll be exhausted and you'll miss out on the little wonderful things children can bring. A few years ago when Monique, my daughter, wasn't in school yet, her and my wife were on the couch and my wife was reading a book to her. Monique heard the school bus and she sprang to her feet and headed towards the door. My wife says, "Where are you going? I haven't finished this book yet", With one hand on the door and one foot on the deck, Monique looks back at mom and says, "Well, pause it". Is that not the funniest thing you've heard!!! I was floored!!! My wife would've never forgave herself had she not been there to hear that! We have five of the little, "Cling ons", and they each made a huge impact and brought so much laughter into our lives. I hope everyone gets to experience what we have....it's a blast! Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 You can have it all but you have to define what all is for yourself. Don't let society do it. But sometimes life has a funny way of changing things. I am not married a single mother. I have a live in bf but with rent and my medical bills we barely make it on two salaries. My biggest dream would be to do make art & make $$ with it and teach yoga or dance and be home at 3 to make cookies with my daughter and have her friends over. But in the same token I know I could never be a full time stay at home mom. I need to get out of the house and be engaged with adults. So for me to have it all would be to work part time and still be ab;e to spends time with my daughter oh and have everything not be soo expensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 But in the same token I know I could never be a full time stay at home mom. I need to get out of the house and be engaged with adults. This is possible to do while being a stay at home mom. Mrs. Moose goes into the elementary school and helps the kids learn to read 3 times a week. On Thursday nights she goes to an accountability workshop at Church.....then she goes out with the girls. On Friday nights she takes the boys to the High School football games....and she goes to lunch with her mom a few days out of the week. It truly is hard to keep track of her! Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 moose, yes, it's possible and a lot of the other soccer mom's i hang with have lives similar to your wife's. i still make time to go on field trips and help out at school when i can. but i really do love my job and i don't think i'd give it up to stay at home full time even if i won the lottery. i'm lucky that i have a great boss who allows me to work some of the time at home. so i still work full-time but i'm home wed-fri by 3 to meet my kid's bus. in some ways, i do feel like i have it all. great kids, great job where i feel like i make a difference in other peoples lives, my health (knock on wood). i wish i made more money so things weren't always so tight but i knew the profession i'm in wasn't ever going to make me rich. and yes, i'd love to have a special somebody to share things with. i don't think i'll get married again but having someone else to go places with would be nice. so yes, i do think you can have it all... maybe not all at the same time but... Link to post Share on other sites
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