Ex came back around. Sadly, not the ex I want

[scorpio1978]

Funny, I have spent months reading post about people wondering if their ex ever came back after no contact and I even chimed in. Just yesterday, I read someone gripe about how usually by the time you have them out of your mind and move on, they come right back around.

 

I met my ex in a warzone, literally. 2 years ago in the middle east and sparks flew from the start. Boy, did I love that man! We carried on with it upon our return like a fairytale, but like most fairytales, this one was bull****. He left me in that crappy place, came home ahead of me and didn't talk to me again until I reached out 6 months later. It came round full circle again and I fell right back to where I was, only to have him break my heart and leave again. 6 months later....here he is again after telling me never to contact him. Un-freaking-believable.

 

We live on opposite coasts, he is in town for the weekend. Months ago, I would have killed for him to sweep back in and take me into his arms again, but I moved on. It hurt like hell, but I did and I met someone else who I have posted about recently. Someone else who I wish desperately would see what I have to offer and be the man I spend my time with. He could not care less now despite us being back on good terms. Yet, the one I wanted for so long who I now how out of my heart and life misses me and wants me back. Oh, life, what a cruel little game you play!

 

Just wanted to add this experience to the oh-so-familiar story of moving and the dumpers usually have a "tape delay" where all of a sudden, you're the one and its just too darn late. Folks, this just proves it. MOVE ON. If you want them back so badly now, live your life, do your own thing and I will bet money that MOST will come back, but you won't care anymore.

[pasteurization]

Scorpio--

 

So, what did you do? Did you tell him to get lost, or agree to see him?

[scorpio1978]

I told him that my friendship was on the table and nothing more. He said that he could never just be friends with me and that he needs me. That he has been thinking of me a lot, especially since his dad died 2 months ago.

 

I know that we can never go back to what we had before. Too much hurt, too many nasty things said, and the fact that I don't feel the same way. How could I especially when I have feelings for someone else? Plus, he lives across the country and I am not moving. That was a big problem before.

 

There wasn't much to it, he just wanted to make sure I was ok. I guess in his mind, because he feels regretful for how he ended things, he needs to make sure I am alright. I never responded to his e-mails or texts 6 months ago when he told me that he doesn't want me to change but that he didn't feel like we were on the same page with what we felt was a healthy relationship. I have a lot of male friends, he doesn't think that's ok.

 

I tossed around the idea of having dinner with him, but why? For what? It'll just open a can of worms I don't want. I don't want this relationship I want the one I just ended. F**k! Life is cruel.

[pasteurization]

I'm so sorry Scorpio. You seem really great (you certainly have me following you), and have just had a run of bad luck with the timing. It's all timing after all. You have to meet someone when they are in a place that fits where you are at the moment.

 

Maybe have dinner with the guy, and ask some hard questions. There is a chance he's changed (like I did)...

[scorpio1978]

You must be confused or something.

 

According to the people on here, Exes never come back... EVER.

 

 

They do and then they have us on here posting about it

[scorpio1978]

I agree bad timing but considering Scorpio still carries the torch for her other Ex. For whatever guy she meets, her heart and head are not where they need to be and her and any new guy would also have bad timing too.

 

She should heal and move on from her Ex before dating or meeting with this other Ex.

 

 

I agree. The quote of "nothing like getting over the last one than with the next one" worked when I was in my 20's. I am looking for more substance and meaning now, not something that lasts for a few months and has me on this forum. Don't get me wrong, you guys have been awesome and I love the chatting, but enough is enough here. Something's gotta give!

[scorpio1978]

I'm so sorry Scorpio. You seem really great (you certainly have me following you), and have just had a run of bad luck with the timing. It's all timing after all. You have to meet someone when they are in a place that fits where you are at the moment.

 

Maybe have dinner with the guy, and ask some hard questions. There is a chance he's changed (like I did)...

 

 

Thanks, Past. I just really am a little too fixated on this most recent break-up that truthfully had disaster written on it from the start to really focus and I need to get a grip here. I saw him today, he loaned me something I needed for work and it was a 180 from our "date". I am going NC again with this one. I am thankful for the dinner we had and the opportunity to be on better terms, but it hasn't changed the overall outcome, so I am going to chalk it up to bad timing, wish nothing but the best for him and move on. Hopefully, I can meet someone when the time is right for the both of us and I don't have to be pushy because it will just flow. I don't want my relationships to be work too. I already have a job. I don't want another one.

 

How are you doing by the way??

[hotpotato]

You must be confused or something.

 

According to the people on here, Exes never come back... EVER.

 

What they mean is THEIR exes never came back.

[LostOne1]

You must be confused or something.

 

According to the people on here, Exes never come back... EVER.

well none of mines have ever... It be nice if one ever did.. but nope hasn't happened to me.

[hotpotato]

I agree. The quote of "nothing like getting over the last one than with the next one" worked when I was in my 20's. I am looking for more substance and meaning now, not something that lasts for a few months and has me on this forum. Don't get me wrong, you guys have been awesome and I love the chatting, but enough is enough here. Something's gotta give!

 

Agreed...Ive tried that in the past, and im still paying for it today.

[inaya42]

Thanks, Past. I just really am a little too fixated on this most recent break-up that truthfully had disaster written on it from the start to really focus and I need to get a grip here. I saw him today, he loaned me something I needed for work and it was a 180 from our "date". I am going NC again with this one. I am thankful for the dinner we had and the opportunity to be on better terms, but it hasn't changed the overall outcome, so I am going to chalk it up to bad timing, wish nothing but the best for him and move on. Hopefully, I can meet someone when the time is right for the both of us and I don't have to be pushy because it will just flow. I don't want my relationships to be work too. I already have a job. I don't want another one.

 

How are you doing by the way??

 

i hear you about exes coming back -- and usually when there is nothing to come back for. often exes, especially dumpers, imagine that the ex is still "theirs" and that, since they ended the relationship, they have the power to rebuild it. of course, it always takes two. sadly, this is why many reconciliations fail.

 

in terms of your recent ex, he knows that you like him, especially given your romantic dinner. and he may have backed off because he feels he doesn't have it in him to invest properly into a relationship right now. people can sometimes sense what we want from them and many use subtle clues to let us know whether they will of won't give it. have you and the recent ex had a chance to talk, really talk?

[soccerrprp]

You must be confused or something.

 

According to the people on here, Exes never come back... EVER.

 

Hmmmm, of course this is not true. Exes come back frequently. Just be prepared when he/she does. It may not have been what you wanted, but if it is, don't f*ck it up! No matter what, YOU put in 100% to make it work! What happens after that is out of your hands....second or third chances are even more rare...know what you want and what you are willing and prepared to do for it!

[SmithJ]

I have found myself in a similar situation!! I was in a relationship at university for 9 months, it was one of those based around lust and I was so attracted and probably slightly obsessed with him because I thought he was gods gift. Anyway, he graduated Uni and moved back to London without wanting to carry the relationship on and I was devastated (well I thought I was at the time)

I tried to keep him as a friend in the hope that he would realize what he's done and want to make it into a long distance relationship. I was wrong!!! I was devastated and so upset I tried everything in my power to get him back (but failed). Then I had a little fling with someone else which took my mind off him, after that I met the guy who I thought i'd spend the rest of my life with and then I knew what true love was. We moved in together but he recently moved out saying that he couldn't do it anymore and I am completely ruined, feel like utter s**t and don't even want to get out of bed in the morning!! Guess who sends me a message out of the blue...seeing I was single again through facebook Uni guy got back in touch telling me how wonderful I am and he cant believe anyone would want to leave me!! (even though he did) I was so uninterested I didn't even reply.

The lesson here for me is that no matter how tough things seem with a break up that you are experiencing at the moment a year down the line when you hear from them you may not even bat an eyelid just like I didn't. I am hoping that will be the case for the current break up....Fingers crossed !!!

[Sunshine87]

I had an ex who broke up with me after 2 years of dating. I was SO depressed. I loved him SO much. But he just left and got into another relationship. He hurt me REAL REAL bad. Well years later, he won't leave me alone! I can't believe that this was the same guy I adored. He seems stuck in the past.....wanting to get back. Trying to talk about the past, telling me he will never forget me bla bla. I have literally screamed at him ( well nit literally) but exasperatedly told him that we can NEVER EVER be. He does not get it. Ugh. Just go away.

[scorpio1978]

i hear you about exes coming back -- and usually when there is nothing to come back for. often exes, especially dumpers, imagine that the ex is still "theirs" and that, since they ended the relationship, they have the power to rebuild it. of course, it always takes two. sadly, this is why many reconciliations fail.

 

in terms of your recent ex, he knows that you like him, especially given your romantic dinner. and he may have backed off because he feels he doesn't have it in him to invest properly into a relationship right now. people can sometimes sense what we want from them and many use subtle clues to let us know whether they will of won't give it. have you and the recent ex had a chance to talk, really talk?[/QUOTE]

 

Nope! It's just not in the cards. There are no upcoming hang-outs like before, no reaching out, etc. It's done. I am going to move on. I decided after today that I am going back to NC. I can walk away knowing that I redeemed myself a bit with the last dinner and he saw it to. We had a second chance to end things and do it more maturely and nicely if that makes sense.

[pasteurization]

Hi Scorpio--

 

Thanks for asking about how my thing is going. It's funny-- I had the big lunch where we decided to try again, we saw each other the next night and had a great time, then she left on a business trip to India for 3 weeks (we both have jobs where we travel a lot). It has been a blessing of sorts-- there's a long time of getting our heads in the right place before actually being together. I think the last time we tried, we went right from zero (no contact) to 300 in one night, and it felt unsustainable.

 

I agree with you about wanting to find something lasting and real. I no longer have any tolerance for games or indecision. I'm older than you (assuming you we're born in 1978), and it gets wearying as you get older. (By the way, I'm a Scorpio too-- November 9).

 

Let me ask you-- what kinds of guys do you typically find yourself attracted to?

 

P

[scorpio1978]

Hi Scorpio--

 

Thanks for asking about how my thing is going. It's funny-- I had the big lunch where we decided to try again, we saw each other the next night and had a great time, then she left on a business trip to India for 3 weeks (we both have jobs where we travel a lot). It has been a blessing of sorts-- there's a long time of getting our heads in the right place before actually being together. I think the last time we tried, we went right from zero (no contact) to 300 in one night, and it felt unsustainable.

 

I agree with you about wanting to find something lasting and real. I no longer have any tolerance for games or indecision. I'm older than you (assuming you we're born in 1978), and it gets wearying as you get older. (By the way, I'm a Scorpio too-- November 9).

 

Let me ask you-- what kinds of guys do you typically find yourself attracted to?

 

P

 

Ooh, I am Nov 1st! I think it's perfect that your girl has gone on a trip. Definitely gives more time for some perspective. I have a really good feeling about your situation and I hope it works in your favor.

 

Hmm..the guys I am attracted to? Well, other than the ones that are completely wrong for me, I would say I used to be very superficial, but as I got older, I don't focus on the looks anymore. I usually observe people from afar and they often times will have that one thing, whether a smile, or a funny laugh that just intrigues me and it's full speed ahead from there.

 

On paper, somebody with a good head on his shoulders to include a promising job or career. I have a master's degree, so I need someone my intellectual equal or not too far behind. I certainly am attracted to a man who is comfortable enough to show affection and be open about his feelings, which can be pretty tough. I tend to go for the more quiet, reserved kind because there is more mystery to them than the big man on campus type. I am definitely an Alpha female, so I am finding myself going for men who are able to put up with me and are not threatened by my success or intelligence. Sadly, this means in many cases that I am lowering my standards, which I am going to stop doing immediately!

 

Other than that, there really is no "type". All ages, races, religious backgrounds, etc. work for me. Maybe I should find a type and stick with that rather than deal with all these goofballs.

 

This must be the week of exes for darned sure. I got a post on my FB from an ex from 10 years ago who wished we lived closer together so he can try again with me. My goodness! What has gotten in the water??

[bluegreen]

And am also Scorpio November 5

[scorpio1978]

Lot of Scorpios on this site. Makes me wonder if we're predisposed of some sort being that, if you believe in the zodiac characteristics, we're very passionate and sexual. Passion can sometimes appear to pushiness and smothering to others. Additionally, we can be very heartfelt and sensitive and a tad obsessive. Something to think about. I have an ex who is a Scorpio. He is the one that I started this particular post about. He was incredibly passionate in the beginning, but it was almost too much. Luckily,. I was able to recognize the trait and mold him a little.

 

I have been doing my best to break bad habits that do too much for people too early on. I definitely made that mistake with the one I want to be with who could not care less right now. I am letting it go, but it's taken a lot out of me.

 

Any Scorpios out there feel like nobody understands them? That's another common theme I believe.

 

For those that don't believe in astrology and zodiac, you will think it's ridiculous, but no matter what your birthdate, we all face heartache. This site has been wonderful in so many ways.....

[scorpio1978]

I am a glutton for punishment I am starting to think. I had dinner with the ex last night. It was amazingly fun. He has a way of making me laugh like nobody else. It didn't bring back any feelings for me, but it sure did for him which is now a nightmare. I don't know what I was thinking!

 

I couldn't wait to get out of there. Ugh, to think how broken I was when he left the first time and now? I asked for it, I know. I should have left things well enough alone!! I am trying not to send mixed signals, but when I told him I don't see us being together again because the issues we had before are still there and they cannot be worked on. He doesn't like that I have male friends and have an active social life around them. It caused a huge problem because part of who I am is because of the people I love and spend time with- male and female. He ended things the last time thinking that we were too far apart on what we felt was a healthy relationship.

 

I guess I thought since I didn't have any plans, we could meet for dinner and have a laugh. Instead, I got a man who professed him undying love for me and told me he never had a bond with another woman like me.

 

Despite what I said about us not possibly being together again, he told me he's still in love with me and had a dream the other night about how we were married and very happy with a little baby girl of our own.

 

Yep, I went to dinner and never should have. Now, I have a nightmare on my hands!! All I want is the one who I ended things with recently to come around. I feel it with everything I have. I want it that badly and now...F**K!!!

[inaya42]

hi, sorry to hear that dinner with the ex ex was so intense. yes, scorpios (water signs in general) are emotionally intense, passionate, intuitive, and ego-driven. we often can't stomach getting a "no" from a romantic interest. but the Phoenix is our bird; we thrive on rejuvenation. nov. 13 here, but I have a Sagittarius rising, which lightens me up thankfully...

[pasteurization]

Scorpio--

 

Wow-- you need to write a book or a screenplay or something about all this...

 

You know when a guy suddenly comes back into your life, professes undying love, and starts talking about having kids with you, there's a problem. That's way too much in one night and it will burn out just as fast as it came. Unfortunately, you saying you are disinterested will just make him want you more intensely. Isn't the human brain a wonderful thing?

 

I'd just ask him (if you want to contact him again at all) what has changed since the last two times that you were together and it didn't work. If he has a compelling story of how he worked to make his life completely different, then maybe there is some honesty in his pitch. Doesn't sound that way, though. Sounds like the overly-intense "I want her back right now" obsession that we all know too well.

 

I asked about the type of person who attracts you, because often (and there have been studies done on this) it is the traits that initially attract us to someone that eventually become the ones we dislike most in a partner--the ones that drive us away. I know women who are attracted to the "bad boy" type, but are hurt and confused when they are eventually treated badly (like they couldn't see that coming....) You don't seem like that type at all, so I guess you just haven't hit "the one" yet.

 

I'm not an astrology person, but I do have those Scorpio traits. Unfortunately, suspicion and jealousy are in there too. I'm already questioning my own situation--- since she's been in India, my girl has barely responded to my emails. I'm sure she's just busy, but the mind is a terrible thing...

[scorpio1978]

Jealousy is definitely in my personality, but it has calmed down a LOT and I don't ever show that side. It's one of this traits I am able to suppress well actually. The mind is a crazy thing sometimes isn't it? I don't think it's necessarily a Scorpio trait, but immediately jumping to conclusions is one of my issues. The "good ex" loaned me something for work, inviting me to his house to pick it up, in my goofy mind it was "Oooh, he wants to see me! He's inviting me to his house. Maybe he will ask me in for a beer. I wonder if he still has that flavor beer I like. We will have fun!" and instead, I get a text "Hey, if I am not home, the thing is outside on my doorstep". Crushed, what do I do?" I know he must be out with someone. This is the same time we would have dinner together on these nights. Where could he be?" I actually had to talk myself out of being ridiculous and come up with a more rational scenario like perhaps he was fishing and sure enough, he pulled up just as I got to his house, fishing pole in hand. No invitation in, no beer, just "here's that thing you wanted".

 

I am intense in my thoughts as much as my fantasies and hate the word "no". But, it's life and I need to get a grip! It's going well though. I am calming myself down.

 

I agree, Past, the whole dinner scenario last night with the ex was very hot and heavy. I am just getting this vibe of almost toxicity. It's a very emotional, intense relationship with him when I am in it and I am so incredibly hesitant to even consider giving it another go. It would never work. I want my freedom, I want my life. I don't want to be smothered and have fireworks all over the place, only to have an argument start and end just as firey and passionate. It's not love, it's emotional anguish. I actually cried when I drove home because I am so frustrated!

[scorpio1978]

hi, sorry to hear that dinner with the ex ex was so intense. yes, scorpios (water signs in general) are emotionally intense, passionate, intuitive, and ego-driven. we often can't stomach getting a "no" from a romantic interest. but the Phoenix is our bird; we thrive on rejuvenation. nov. 13 here, but I have a Sagittarius rising, which lightens me up thankfully...

 

 

I need something rising too other than my blood pressure and aggravation. I am a little too emotionally intense for my own good in all aspect of my life. My work, my friendships and certainly my relationships. If I don't get myself together, I am going to end up alone.

[inaya42]

Jealousy is definitely in my personality, but it has calmed down a LOT and I don't ever show that side. It's one of this traits I am able to suppress well actually. The mind is a crazy thing sometimes isn't it? I don't think it's necessarily a Scorpio trait, but immediately jumping to conclusions is one of my issues. The "good ex" loaned me something for work, inviting me to his house to pick it up, in my goofy mind it was "Oooh, he wants to see me! He's inviting me to his house. Maybe he will ask me in for a beer. I wonder if he still has that flavor beer I like. We will have fun!" and instead, I get a text "Hey, if I am not home, the thing is outside on my doorstep". Crushed, what do I do?" I know he must be out with someone. This is the same time we would have dinner together on these nights. Where could he be?" I actually had to talk myself out of being ridiculous and come up with a more rational scenario like perhaps he was fishing and sure enough, he pulled up just as I got to his house, fishing pole in hand. No invitation in, no beer, just "here's that thing you wanted".

 

hmmm -- this seems a bit rude to me, especially considering that you guys just had dinner a week or so ago. what's his deal? i really don't want you to take anything with this guy personally. he just really sounds like a loner type who is not entirely socially adept, at least not now. is that true?

 

anyway, you do not need to "lighten up." none of us is perfect, and each of us is entirely loveable nonetheless. you just haven't met the guy who fits yet....