pasteurization Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 I don't think it's necessarily a Scorpio trait, but immediately jumping to conclusions is one of my issues. The "good ex" loaned me something for work, inviting me to his house to pick it up, in my goofy mind it was "Oooh, he wants to see me! He's inviting me to his house. Maybe he will ask me in for a beer. I wonder if he still has that flavor beer I like. We will have fun!" and instead, I get a text "Hey, if I am not home, the thing is outside on my doorstep". Crushed, what do I do?" I know he must be out with someone. This is the same time we would have dinner together on these nights. Where could he be?" I actually had to talk myself out of being ridiculous and come up with a more rational scenario like perhaps he was fishing and sure enough, he pulled up just as I got to his house, fishing pole in hand. No invitation in, no beer, just "here's that thing you wanted". This describes me exactly. I go to the worst-case scenario immediately. My hopefully ex ex had to go on the current business trip with a male co-worker. He's married, 3 kids, no hint of anything between them, but my mind goes right into the bed... I'm working on ways of changing how my thought patterns work. This will be a good test case to see if I'm doing a good job. You will not be alone--as we've all said, you just need to find the right fit. I, for instance, have always been attracted to very ambitious Type-A women. I would be very bored with someone who wasn't passionate about what they did with their life. We might be a good fit I weren't too old and 1000 miles away (although two people with Scorpio obsessiveness could be a problem). Are you actively out there at all? It might be good to just go on a few meaningless dates to clear your head... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 29, 2013 Author Share Posted June 29, 2013 hmmm -- this seems a bit rude to me, especially considering that you guys just had dinner a week or so ago. what's his deal? i really don't want you to take anything with this guy personally. he just really sounds like a loner type who is not entirely socially adept, at least not now. is that true? anyway, you do not need to "lighten up." none of us is perfect, and each of us is entirely loveable nonetheless. you just haven't met the guy who fits yet.... He is very popular and sociable and is polite enough to me just enough to keep me going. I don't think he would ever be the type to be mean, so I just need to stop trying to read into things with him and let it go. He isn't engaging me and I know he knows how to. It was him that asked me out so if he really wanted to, he would. I have done enough work Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 As you stated in your post, they come back after you dont want them anymore. Just like the one I don't want anymore is all over me now, and the one I want doesn't have a heck of a lot to do with me unless it benefits her. Now I'm sure I'll move on with someone else and be over it and the one I wan't now will be trying to get with me once I'm over her. God, don't you love the soap opera's of our lives? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 This describes me exactly. I go to the worst-case scenario immediately. My hopefully ex ex had to go on the current business trip with a male co-worker. He's married, 3 kids, no hint of anything between them, but my mind goes right into the bed... I'm working on ways of changing how my thought patterns work. This will be a good test case to see if I'm doing a good job. You will not be alone--as we've all said, you just need to find the right fit. I, for instance, have always been attracted to very ambitious Type-A women. I would be very bored with someone who wasn't passionate about what they did with their life. We might be a good fit I weren't too old and 1000 miles away (although two people with Scorpio obsessiveness could be a problem). Are you actively out there at all? It might be good to just go on a few meaningless dates to clear your head... I am definitely "out there" but not pursuing things on my own. I am just letting things come to me. I started pursuing someone for about 2 weeks, but I am just out of energy with that. If I have to do work to meet up, plan a date, decide when I will call, etc., it's just too much right now. I am actually tired! I need to let someone pursue me if that's even in the cards. For now, I am not reaching out to anyone. I have made it as clear as I can without actually saying to the recent ex "I WANT TO TRY AGAIN" so unless he is incredibly stupid, he knows how I feel. I have told him I am sorry for being pushy, I miss hanging out with him and took him out for his favorite dinner. I am done. He knows where I am if he wants to give it another go. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel ok being by myself, which is unusual because I really thrive in relationships and look for comfort in others as a means of distraction from my professional life, as well as for companionship of course. Until I can get myself 100% ready without any angst, insecurity, or fear, I need to just chill. Certainly doesn't help though that my friend (who is actually a psychiatrist) talked me into a reading with a psychic/intuitive healer who was so eerily accurate that it scared me. She told me that this "roller coaster" of a relationship with the most recent ex will come to an end in a few weeks when we will actually formulate a relationship again that will be solid and there will be no more silliness. Lots of other really promising stuff that a person who is hurting would eat right up. Do you think I am putting any stock into that? No, not a chance. That was another waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 As you stated in your post, they come back after you dont want them anymore. Just like the one I don't want anymore is all over me now, and the one I want doesn't have a heck of a lot to do with me unless it benefits her. Now I'm sure I'll move on with someone else and be over it and the one I wan't now will be trying to get with me once I'm over her. God, don't you love the soap opera's of our lives? Isn't that just so annoying? I mean, finding "true love" if that even exists is incredibly hard! It's not just about two people who like each other coming together. Ultimately, it seems that there is always one who cares more or wants more than the other. It's like a very precise scientific process. That's how darned precise and difficult it seems to be at times. You need to have the right amount of attraction, the right "chemistry", not too much of one type of personality trait the other may not like, and then you need to jumble all these factors together almost blindly and hope it doesn't explode. What a pain in the a**. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 I'm glad you're able to chill and stay away from it all for a while. If you can be comfortable with yourself without that feeling of needing someone around, you'll be in a much better place to move on. I also agree that he knows you are interested and where you are, and that's all you can do. I need to ask you for some advice. As I mentioned, my emails have been barely getting replies since she left on the trip. I haven't sent very much, not wanting to be annoying, but I get cursory replies to the ones that have gone out. I'm wondering if it would be best just to lay off altogether for a while, or if she wants me to show that I'm pursuing her... I just don't know how to handle this in the best way. Sorry, I know you're tired of thinking about the "should I or shouldn't I call" questions, but maybe if it is for someone else it isn't so taxing... Also, I personally find the psychic racket to be offensive. They take advantage of people who are genuinely hurting. You're right in going with your own gut on that one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 I'm glad you're able to chill and stay away from it all for a while. If you can be comfortable with yourself without that feeling of needing someone around, you'll be in a much better place to move on. I also agree that he knows you are interested and where you are, and that's all you can do. I need to ask you for some advice. As I mentioned, my emails have been barely getting replies since she left on the trip. I haven't sent very much, not wanting to be annoying, but I get cursory replies to the ones that have gone out. I'm wondering if it would be best just to lay off altogether for a while, or if she wants me to show that I'm pursuing her... I just don't know how to handle this in the best way. Sorry, I know you're tired of thinking about the "should I or shouldn't I call" questions, but maybe if it is for someone else it isn't so taxing... Also, I personally find the psychic racket to be offensive. They take advantage of people who are genuinely hurting. You're right in going with your own gut on that one... Honestly, yes, I would lay off for a little while. I know 3 weeks seems like a really long time, but the time will fly by if you occupy yourself. You should treat this like a new relationship, not like there is any familiarity. So, if you met someone and started dating them 2 weeks ago and they told you they were going to India for 3 weeks, one or two e-mails and a "touch base when you can" or even "touch base when you get back. I am excited to hear about your trip" would be best. When you know someone and have that history, it's difficult to be patient and not exercise that sense of familiarity like they should be reaching out and you have a right to get an e-mail from them like you would if you were dating for a while. Does that make sense? There are a bunch of scenarios like perhaps she is jetlagged still, working a ton, etc. Let her have her space and re-visit the relationship when she comes back. You don't want to make her think she made a bad decision by reaching out again and she already voiced being uncomfortable about you subconsciously doing the little things you did when you were dating before. There is nothing wrong with that, but the timing right now is bad for that. Try not to freak out, jump to conclusions, or think the worst. If you remain calm, like you have been just fine, going on about your business, it will be much more attractive to her and pay off in the long run. Maybe plan a nice dinner or something for when she comes back? Nothing too over the top, though and don't forget to let her get acclimated when she returns. If she is not super excited to see you at first, give her a little time. I know when I traveled and came home, I was exhausted, wanted to unpack, sleep, get my routine back, and get my diet regulated again. Point is, don't think the worst. Let her breathe a little and come around. She will. You're doing great and are in a much better place than most of us on here! Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Scorpio-- I can't thank you enough. Great advice, and after you said it, it seems obvious (the sign of truth). I'll lay off completely until she decides to contact me. The last email I sent said "I'd love to hear about everything whenever you get a break", so that seems like a good point to let her pick it up when she wants. Why is it so hard for me to see these things myself? I guess that's why forums are so valuable... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 Scorpio-- I can't thank you enough. Great advice, and after you said it, it seems obvious (the sign of truth). I'll lay off completely until she decides to contact me. The last email I sent said "I'd love to hear about everything whenever you get a break", so that seems like a good point to let her pick it up when she wants. Why is it so hard for me to see these things myself? I guess that's why forums are so valuable... My pleasure, really! Any time! I do the same thing in that it's not easy to see what is going on when you're in it, but when someone else points it out to you, there is that "Ooooh, yes, I see now" moment. It's definitely hard for me too. As far back as when you started posting the first time, I just had a good feeling about your situation and wasn't surprised at all when you said it may work out. She came back around though when you weren't as available. Now, you need to keep it that way, by being busy and having a life away from her, then win her trust back by being a good BF and let it flow from there. Light hearted is what you're aiming for at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Just wondering---how are things going with the super-ardent ex? Has he contacted you again after the dinner? P Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 Just wondering---how are things going with the super-ardent ex? Has he contacted you again after the dinner? P I have been hearing from the ex I don't want daily since this weekend and I really need to find a way to tell him that it's just not going to happen. I thought I did when I said that I don't see us being together again, but he stills keeps texting like nothing ever happened. It's making me very uneasy because of the level of toxicity and neediness he demonstrates. I have very strong feelings and love for him in the sense of he will always be special to me, but it's not like a relationship type of love. Quite the opposite. How many times must one get together and break up and then do it all over again. We are up to 3 times. Enough already! Now, the ex I do want: We had dinner last night and watched the sun set on the beach. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me. It was very nice. I hadn't heard from him for a few days. Again with the smoochy smooch at the end of the date too, but this time, he asked me if I had plans this week, to which I replied that I didn't really. He asked if I would like to grab drinks down by my way and hang out at my house. Um, yes! He also invited himself along on a beach day this weekend. I am watching a friend's dog and he is planning on bringing his dog too. I think he is coming around. He just needed some space to get his head right and I have been learning to not get pushy. I know his personality now. If I don't hear from him for a few days, there is nothing wrong. In any other situation, I would assume there would be, but with him, I know what he is doing. He is likely fishing, looking at fishing poles, buying fishing lures and hooks, thinking about fishing or sleeping. Simple! We are not out of the woods yet though. I still gotta make sure he doesn't get cold feet. He is a little flaky like that. Very hot and cold. Or it might just be that I expect too much. Either way, it's going much better than it was when we weren't talking 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Wow, Scorpio! That is quite the turnaround from a few days ago. I'm very happy for you! Maybe I should start to believe in psychics a little more.... Did you call him (the one you want), or did he call you? As for the guy you don't want-- This seems to be a perfect lesson in how too much pursuit and contact can come off as unappealing neediness (just like all the NC people say). Is it making him even less attractive to you then he was before? Or does all the attention make you in some way make you feel wanted and desired (even if you don't want him)? Curious as to how a woman perceives all this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 Wow, Scorpio! That is quite the turnaround from a few days ago. I'm very happy for you! Maybe I should start to believe in psychics a little more.... Did you call him (the one you want), or did he call you? As for the guy you don't want-- This seems to be a perfect lesson in how too much pursuit and contact can come off as unappealing neediness (just like all the NC people say). Is it making him even less attractive to you then he was before? Or does all the attention make you in some way make you feel wanted and desired (even if you don't want him)? Curious as to how a woman perceives all this... I contacted him asking him how his big fishing trip was and he became really engaging and asked me to go to dinner since all that fishing had him craving sushi. It was super fun. Now, only if in time I can get him to touch base on his own a little more. Baby steps! As far as the other guy, he ended things with me because he became jealous over my relationships with male friends and his attitude and nasty comments about them reminded me of one of my other ex's who started in with that and ended up trying to control everything about my life. The similarities between the two made me nauseous and while I was upset that our relationship was over, I was also relieved! So, in my case, it's not so much his neediness or full-force passion, it's the fact that he is coming back around at all in that sense. I don't like it. I care for him because I am a nice person, but I don't want anything to do with him in a relationship. He is too possessive and I see his jealousy as insecurity which is a really disgusting trait to me. There is literally nothing he can do to change my mind. He could stop being needy and pursue me as a normal human being and I would stll be turned off. It's just a history thing with us. Too many nasty things said, too many bad feelings and bad blood, in addition to unresolved issues that will never be resolved unless I change my personality and stop having friends and that sh*t is not happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 Wow, Scorpio! That is quite the turnaround from a few days ago. I'm very happy for you! Maybe I should start to believe in psychics a little more.... Did you call him (the one you want), or did he call you? As for the guy you don't want-- This seems to be a perfect lesson in how too much pursuit and contact can come off as unappealing neediness (just like all the NC people say). Is it making him even less attractive to you then he was before? Or does all the attention make you in some way make you feel wanted and desired (even if you don't want him)? Curious as to how a woman perceives all this... Funny thing, about the psychic, she told me to be careful about a "sneaky" ex who would be coming back into my life. She told me that he is trouble and no good for me. Probably just a coincidence, but quite interesting. She also told me to touch base with the guy I want and tell him I am thinking of him. I did just that, not because she told me to, but because it just felt right and we ended up having dinner. Maybe it's just a confidence thing she instilled as opposed to having special powers. Haha! Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 It all sounds very promising Scorpio. Please keep me in the loop as to what ends up happening. I'm getting very discouraged---not a word or text from her. I think I'm going to send a simple and upbeat "Happy 4th of July, how are you?" kind of message (slightly more involved than that, but nothing heavy). Does there seem to be any harm in that? It's been about 6 days since we had any contact... What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 It all sounds very promising Scorpio. Please keep me in the loop as to what ends up happening. I'm getting very discouraged---not a word or text from her. I think I'm going to send a simple and upbeat "Happy 4th of July, how are you?" kind of message (slightly more involved than that, but nothing heavy). Does there seem to be any harm in that? It's been about 6 days since we had any contact... What do you think? 6 days is a decent amount of time. I don't see any harm in that message as long as you keep it really simple and then leave it at that. Nothing else! Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) Hi Scorpio-- Just checking in to see how things are going with your rekindling. Hope the 4th is going well for you! Edited July 5, 2013 by pasteurization Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Hi Scorpio-- Just checking in to see how things are going with your rekindling. Hope the 4th is going well for you! I was just checking to see how you were doing too! Have you heard anything from her? My rekindling is going well I think! I made a scrumptious dinner at my place like he asked me to and saw him yesterday when I was watching my friend's dog. He invited himself to come along to do dog activites with his two little guys. We let them play for about an hour and I left. I didn't touch base with him on the holiday because I thought he was going to a family BBQ- the same group of people he introduced me to one month in to our relationship. I was a little bummed he didn't ask me to go, but I think I started having those expectations of wanting more from him when he brought me around them to begin with. I wanted to text him "Happy 4th of July" but didn't, thinking he was busy, and come to find out, he didn't go and went out to the bars with his friends instead. I saw him yesterday and he was really tired he said, so I should be happy he wanted to hang out at all. I have to assume that him being tired is why he didn't greet me with a hug or kiss. He is just so hot and cold. Super affectionate the other day at my place, and standoffish yesterday. Part of me trying to decrease the things about me I knew were toxic to our relationship includes not automatically thinking the worst, but going with the flow instead. So, I am trying to not really think much more about it and let him come around more still. I don't feel out of the woods yet. So, we're doing well and I feel there are better things to come, but I still have some work to do on myself and we still need to get to know each other more. What is going on with you? What are you thinking about your rekindling? Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Hi Scorpio-- Glad to hear that you're happy with the way things are going. It's always so tough to gauge your responses when in a tentative state like that---whether you are texting too much, too little, seeming too needy, etc. It sounds like you are finding a good balance. Unfortunately, my situation doesn't seem to be going too well. I sent a nice email after not hearing anything from her in about a week, and got a pretty generic response two days later. I then waited a bit more, and this morning just sent a text, but no response. I'm getting the feeling that this may not have been real, and she was keeping me in her loop as a "backup" in case whatever other plans she may have had didn't work out. I just don't know, though, if this is my mind spinning into worst-case-scenario territory, or if it is real, but the signs aren't good. The hardest part is being in this limbo of not knowing for sure for another week and a half until she gets back. It's rough-- kind of like getting tests for some serious illness, and having to wait for 10 days to hear the results... I'm guessing NC is best until then, but who knows anymore. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Nicoleiia Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 My situation is opposite. My current ex wants to come back and reconcile. I don't want him. I want the ex that dumped me 2 years ago. I STILL haven't fully gotten over that. Why do the wrong exes come back??? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I don't think my ex will come back. Not for a relationship. I can't fathom how a guy would come back after month apart. After being with other people. I think your case is an exception. Good for you for turning him down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 Hi Scorpio-- Glad to hear that you're happy with the way things are going. It's always so tough to gauge your responses when in a tentative state like that---whether you are texting too much, too little, seeming too needy, etc. It sounds like you are finding a good balance. Unfortunately, my situation doesn't seem to be going too well. I sent a nice email after not hearing anything from her in about a week, and got a pretty generic response two days later. I then waited a bit more, and this morning just sent a text, but no response. I'm getting the feeling that this may not have been real, and she was keeping me in her loop as a "backup" in case whatever other plans she may have had didn't work out. I just don't know, though, if this is my mind spinning into worst-case-scenario territory, or if it is real, but the signs aren't good. The hardest part is being in this limbo of not knowing for sure for another week and a half until she gets back. It's rough-- kind of like getting tests for some serious illness, and having to wait for 10 days to hear the results... I'm guessing NC is best until then, but who knows anymore. Any thoughts? Past, I am sorry. I wasn't ignoring you, my internet was on the fritz! Ok...it's sooo easy to get the worst case scenario because I do it too, so I know. Case in point, I have been doing well, not being too pushy like last time and it's been 2 days since I have heard from him. Shouldn't be a big deal, but instead, I am playing in my mind what I said last to him and what I did, etc. when I should be just taking it easy and letting him have his space. I am repeating history by assuming the worst. This is what got me in trouble last time. So, I am doing everything in my power to be positive. But, it's really hard. I would say that you should definitely NOT text/e-mail or anything again. If you have any hope of this coming back together, you cannot do it. It might be too much for her right now to maintain contact. Again, you have to show her that you are cool, calm, and collected and ease back into the situation like it's new, not like she is your girlfriend and you have been together for years. That's the key. You of course want to be yourself and in due time, you can be, but try to restrain yourself. Remember, you were the one having a really hard time with the break-up to begin with, so now that there is hope, it's really easy to do a 180 and be really happy and excited, etc., but to some, (maybe her?) , more time is needed to re-evaluate the situation, make sure the right thing was done by starting back up again and there are no second thoughts, etc. I can tell you that when my 'bad' ex came back round, what really turned me off was how forceful he was with everything. He came right at me with the "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have a baby girl with you", etc. and it was like "woah, buddy!". I realize you didn't say all that, but texting or calling too much and being too familiar is a killer too. Let her come to you. The waiting game sucks soooo badly because you just don't know what she is thinking or doing, but you have no choice. This is your second chance to do things differently and do it right. If you don't wait and be patient and let her have some space, you run the risk of it not formulating back into something you want. Let her miss you a little by disappearing and having her come to you. Don't let that "back burner" thing get to you either. You have no evidence of that at all. So, rationalize with yourself whenever possible. I will be checking this site multiple times a day, so I am here is you need to vent, etc. Just breathe.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 I don't think my ex will come back. Not for a relationship. I can't fathom how a guy would come back after month apart. After being with other people. I think your case is an exception. Good for you for turning him down. Every ex except for one has come back on their own in some fashion. With the most recent one who I have been pining over, I had to lay the groundwork again for a fresh start. I am not sure we are "back together" by any means, as I am still navigating getting to know him and his quirks. Its normal for him to go several days without talking to me. He specifically said he doesn't want to be with someone where he has to talk to them every single day. That's his right. The issue is, can I deal with that? I couldn't last time because I thought the worst that he wasn't into me and that wasn't the case. This time, I need to keep telling myself that. The "bad" ex who popped up randomly was a text 5 times a day and call multiple times kind of guy, so I got used to that being my norm. Because these two are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, it's hard to bounce from one extreme to the next. But, I am trying to keep it together and see what happens. Now, if the guy I have been trying to work things out with can go a week without talking to me...no, sorry. That's my limit. If we start creeping into that time frame, it's a wrap. I don't care how much somebody is supposedly into me, that screams indifference or disinterest all the way. Not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
pasteurization Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Scorpio-- I'm on a plane now and about to shut off all devices, but I wanted to thank you again for being the voice of reason, and helping me get my head on straight. Will you be my therapist? P 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scorpio1978 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Scorpio-- I'm on a plane now and about to shut off all devices, but I wanted to thank you again for being the voice of reason, and helping me get my head on straight. Will you be my therapist? P Ha! Any time. But I have my problems too! I just have the ability to take a step back and give people better advice than I give myself. You will be ok no matter how this turns out, you know? Worst case scenario, if she decided that getting back together is not in the cards, you can honestly say that you did everything you could. There comes a point where if you know you gave something 100% or beyond, that it's just not "meant to be". I hate to use that cliché phrase, but after banging my head against a wall over an ex in the past, I said "You know what? I did absolutely everything that I possibly could with this one. I gave this 100% and it still wasn't enough. It's time to throw in the towel and walk away, head held high, knowing that I tried". It's different if you cannot say that. You may wake up one day with regret and feel badly or whatever, but if just throw it up in the air and let it fall where it needs to, knowing you gave it you all, that's a much better feeling that you messed something up or didn't try hard enough. It will never be because of YOU if you really gave it your all.. Link to post Share on other sites
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