Ex came back around. Sadly, not the ex I want

[scorpio1978]

My situation is opposite. My current ex wants to come back and reconcile. I don't want him. I want the ex that dumped me 2 years ago. I STILL haven't fully gotten over that. Why do the wrong exes come back???

 

Ugh, I feel the same way! It's a strange phenomenon that many people go through, kind of wanting what you cannot have, right?

[pasteurization]

Hi Scorpio--

 

Just trying to put everything out of my mind and get through the next week. Luckily I have a lot of work.

 

She is back on the 17th, and I'm wondering what you think would be the best course of action if she doesn't contact me then. Do you think that a note like "welcome back-- I know you need a few days to get readjusted, but whenever you're up for it, I'd love to hear about the trip" would be appropriate, or should I just stay silent until she is ready to call me? Thanks again for the sane perspective.

 

To your situation... I'm wondering if you feel comfortable with someone who can drop out of contact for even 3-4 days with no explanation. Yes, a week is beyond accepting, but is a shorter period of emotional distance OK? Was this the pattern when you were with him before, and did it cause tension?

 

P

[pasteurization]

...and here I am again up at 4:30, unable to sleep. Just curious about one other thing. The ex boyfriend who was pursuing you so intensely... Has he given up, or is he still trying to contact you all the time?

 

P

[Kristopher1]

Hey all,

 

 

I've had some ex girlfriends return when I had gone NC

 

One returned after 3 months by sending an apology email, asking me back.

Another returned every 1-2 months asking me back, (this lasted a year almost, crazy)

 

My recent ex, I think it's been a month and a half now since our breakup. I was thinking about her the other day, I gave her a lot of love, something I know she wouldn't easily find in somebody else, so this breakup I had, I'm thinking is it my fault? There wasn't really anything else I could have done for her..so why would she end the relationship..? (Over a few stupid arguments?) Just don't understand the logic, but meh, whatever. I should kill myself for just bringing up my ex lol.

 

I must say that I am a lot better as I posted here a few weeks back, I don't check my phone anymore hoping she will text, nor am I counting the days I've been in NC. Her loss in the end, but sometimes relationships just confused me to hell.

 

Good luck scorpio, it's a good feeling when your ex who screwed you over comes back isnt it? the shift in power changes.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Kristopher1

[scorpio1978]

Hi Scorpio--

 

Just trying to put everything out of my mind and get through the next week. Luckily I have a lot of work.

 

She is back on the 17th, and I'm wondering what you think would be the best course of action if she doesn't contact me then. Do you think that a note like "welcome back-- I know you need a few days to get readjusted, but whenever you're up for it, I'd love to hear about the trip" would be appropriate, or should I just stay silent until she is ready to call me? Thanks again for the sane perspective.

 

To your situation... I'm wondering if you feel comfortable with someone who can drop out of contact for even 3-4 days with no explanation. Yes, a week is beyond accepting, but is a shorter period of emotional distance OK? Was this the pattern when you were with him before, and did it cause tension?

 

P

 

 

Do not contact her again at all until she makes the first move. It's so harmless to send an e-mail or text like "welcome back", but in this situation, she needs a little more time. let her get adjusted on her own and contact you. I KNOW it's hard, but I would so appreciate it if someone I was with allowed me to do that and didn't pressure me. In any other situation, what you have done such as reaching out and what you would do with a"welcome back" would be amazing and sweet, but with her, because there is so much history and she has already told you that going back to the way things were before so quickly made her uncomfortable, I think it would be in your best interest to let her make some moves here. She knows how to and was able to when you were NC, so let her do that.

 

I am a little concerned because I did read something, (or think I did ) about how she admitted to contacting you in a moment of weakness. Was that how this all started again? I have done that before because I missed the familiarity of someone and something that we had, only to find that it wasn't really what I wanted. I don't want to say that this is the case with you, but in order to avoid that as much as possible, you need to make this a NEW relationship. A fresh start. Easy going, no pressure, letting her come to you a little bit. It's hard, but hang in there!!

 

Don't jump to conclusions, don't stare at your phone or wait for the 17th expecting a call. You will be set up for disappointment. Try to think of that she is not going to call then, maybe a few days after, and go from there. Otherwise, the day she returns will be miserable for you and you don't want to put that vibe out there!

 

I have to head to work, but will jump back on to answer your other questions later.

[pasteurization]

I am a little concerned because I did read something, (or think I did ) about how she admitted to contacting you in a moment of weakness. Was that how this all started again? I have done that before because I missed the familiarity of someone and something that we had, only to find that it wasn't really what I wanted.

 

You know, Scorpio, I've taken a long clear-eyed look at the situation, and I think that this is exactly what happened. She was going on a long trip and needed a little comfort, so she texted me, then I took it and ran way too far with it. I think once she was away, she probably quickly realized that it wasn't what she wanted. It all makes sense that way. And I didn't help matters by initially texting and writing her as if we were back together.

 

Sadly, I don't think this is me doing a worst-case-scenario move, but just a case where the facts fit the situation. I would have hoped that she would have let me know, even by text, not to maintain my hopes for a full three weeks, but I guess that is a hard message to write. It'll be interesting to see when / if she ends up contacting me.

 

So, I'm trying to get rid of the hope, and get the grieving process going again. It's so exhausting--I want to start it asap so that it is over sooner.

And here's to all the people who warned me against breaking NC the first time. Should have listened!

 

Let me know how you're doing when you get time. The mutual support is nice (although I think you are better at giving advice than I am...)

[aloneinaz]

Past, sorry my man that you're suffering still. I think this is why so many people say ignore unless the dumper is CLEAR they made a mistake and want a second chance. I think you're on point with you assessment of her last text to you.

 

Now, you need to reclaim the power by disappearing from her life. Ignorning her texts or calls or emails (if she does it again). I think dumpees cling to the hope that the dumper will come back and miss them again. It really doesn't matter because the reconcilliation is short and they get dumped a second time.

 

There are many STRONG willed people who flat out would never consider getting back with someone who dumped them even once. I think they are on point. If they risked throwing you on the street to sleep with others and possibly lose you forever, you have to question how they can reappear and say they made a mistake.

[aloneinaz]

Scorpio-

 

I have to challenge you on accepting someone who's not comfortable with daily contact? Sorry, that's odd to me.. They can't send a quick text? A quick call? If I was dating a girl and she told me she didn't want to talk to me daily, I'd be gone..

 

Thats just a huge red flag.

[pasteurization]

Wow. Since that realization hit me, I'm sinking into a very bad place.

[scorpio1978]

Wow. Since that realization hit me, I'm sinking into a very bad place.

 

I am sorry that this is still affecting you or should I say affecting you again. I am there with you. I feel the same way with my situation. Here we go again!

 

I agree that you stepping back and taking another look at this in a new light is a good move and I have to say that from what I read, I think your assessment is spot on too. I agree with Aloneinaz. I think your gut is telling you what the truth is and no, I don't think you are looking at this as a "worst case scenario" or jumping to conclusions this time. You did nothing "wrong". You were being yourself. You were caring, kind, considerate, and doing everything I probably would have done too. She just was not receptive to it for one reason or another. And for that, I am sorry for your pain.

 

Time will tell what will happen, but I think the writing on the wall is there in so many ways, not just for you, but for me and my situation as well. It sounds to me like you did everything you could. The timing was bad and the past history of things not going well certainly didn't help, but you have told her how you feel, you have shown her, and she is not biting for whatever reasons that she has. You may never know what those reasons are and even if you did, would it help? The end result would still be the same. I think it's time to throw it all up in the air and see what comes down. There is literally not a thing more that you can do. If there was, I would tell you my opinion, for what it's worth and make that suggestion, but you have literally done EVERYTHING and good on you for the valiant effort. I admire that in a man and wish more were like you in that it would be nice to have someone open up and say exactly how they feel and what their intentions are.

 

Post here any time you want to. Vent, babble, whatever you need to do to help yourself. Get it out and start the healing right away. I think if she comes back and does not contact you a day or two after her return, to hell with her!! You're great and you will be okay in time. I promise, even though it may not feel like it.

[pasteurization]

Thank you as alwAys, Scorpio. What exactly is going on with your situation?

[pasteurization]

Why can she not see how cruel this is? All it would have taken is a few words saying "not interested" At any point in the past couple of weeks. I could at least have been done with the hope. And she seemingly knew very shortly after she left town-- It was only a couple of days after leaving that her replies became cold and perfunctory.

 

She's not usually this kind of person. I can understand her deciding that she doesn't want to rekindle things. I am not able to understand her thinking it is better to just let the communication die than to tell me the truth. Maybe she wants to do it in person, but this is definitely a case where that would be the absolute worst way to go.

 

I did bad things in the past. Karma is no fun.

[scorpio1978]

Scorpio-

 

I have to challenge you on accepting someone who's not comfortable with daily contact? Sorry, that's odd to me.. They can't send a quick text? A quick call? If I was dating a girl and she told me she didn't want to talk to me daily, I'd be gone..

 

Thats just a huge red flag.

 

Challenege away! I will not fight you on this one. I actually agree with you. He is not giving me what I need and never did, which is why it ended in the first place. I was a fool to think that 3 weeks away was going to do us any good. The issues are still there and there is no resolution to them other than to walk away. I have done everything I can and then some and he is not receptive to me.

 

It had so much promise this second time around, but the hot and cold business got old a long time ago. Last week, we spent 3 days together, this week, it's NC going on 4 days now. I don't ever buy the "busy" idea, as I work longer hours than he does. There is always time for a call or text. He is choosing not to and I cannot change that, no matter how awesome I am or try to be. I can bend over backwards and it's still not going to change his response. All it does is make me look like an ass which is not a title I hold well.

 

I have nobody but myself to blame in this and I take responsibility for it. I have learned that I am certainly not OK with somebody not comfortable with daily contact or at least every 3-4 days. That's ridiculous. As much as I wanted to give him space and make myself OK with it, I truly am not. I tried to be, but that's not me being myself and I don't need to change for anyone. To hell with him too.

[pasteurization]

Sorry for posting so much, but I'm feeling horrendous and just need to do this right now.

 

If I know her at all, she will actually call a day or two after returning, and will tell me that she can't get back together and apologize for leading me astray. Or, she'll say she'd like to meet (to tell me the same thing in person). I will answer the phone, just in the slim chance the news is otherwise, but how would you handle that call after the words are said?

 

I'm thinking to just be gracious, say that I understand, wish her well, then get off the line. I think there's no use doing anything else.

[scorpio1978]

Why can she not see how cruel this is? All it would have taken is a few words saying "not interested" At any point in the past couple of weeks. I could at least have been done with the hope. And she seemingly knew very shortly after she left town-- It was only a couple of days after leaving that her replies became cold and perfunctory.

 

She's not usually this kind of person. I can understand her deciding that she doesn't want to rekindle things. I am not able to understand her thinking it is better to just let the communication die than to tell me the truth. Maybe she wants to do it in person, but this is definitely a case where that would be the absolute worst way to go.

 

I did bad things in the past. Karma is no fun.

 

Well, I can say that for me, it would be the "right" thing to do to tell my "bad" ex everything and just break it down for him in simple terms like "we made a mistake having dinner and thinking about how things were with us before. I never should have done that. I should have wished you well and never looked back", but this was a man I loved and you are a man she loved. It's not easy to spell it out for people even though we want them to do that for us because the truth is hurtful and unless you are a complete a**hole, why would you want to hurt someone?

 

I chose to not respond to the "bad" ex's continued texts and calls. He stopped contacting me, which is what I wanted. It's emotional turmoil that I just cannot handle right now. I don't want to go down that road again. I would rather pretend it didn't happen at all. it is cowardly? Yes, indeed. I will own that, but it's just too hard for me right now.

 

Maybe she is struggling with her decision, maybe she thinks it was a mistake to rekindle, maybe she wants to see how things will play out. There are a lot of "maybes" in there and not a lot of "knowns". We look for the closure in things and a lot of times never get it. We often have to just take what we see and how we are treated and come up with our own conclusion, which sucks, but it's life and we do what we can and suffer a lot in the meantime.

 

My mother once told me "when it's right, it's ALL right". There will be no major questioning about a person's intentions, there will be no wondering and hoping and playing games. You will have a person who you don't have to question them, they will make it known that you mean something to them. I will spend forever looking for that feeling and probably in the meantime continue to make poor decisions, but make them a lot less often, which is an improvement. It's definitely a process trying to find the "right one" and all I can hope for you and I and many other on here is that we get to a point where we know what we want and won't accept bad behavior from others or anything less than spectacular and what we deserve.

 

We have given these people who hold our hearts too much power over us and it's time to stop it. Easier said than done, I know, but seriously, this is not fair to us and we deserve better!

[scorpio1978]

Sorry for posting so much, but I'm feeling horrendous and just need to do this right now.

 

If I know her at all, she will actually call a day or two after returning, and will tell me that she can't get back together and apologize for leading me astray. Or, she'll say she'd like to meet (to tell me the same thing in person). I will answer the phone, just in the slim chance the news is otherwise, but how would you handle that call after the words are said?

 

I'm thinking to just be gracious, say that I understand, wish her well, then get off the line. I think there's no use doing anything else.

 

Well, let's say she calls and does the opposite of what you think and wants to see you, that's your choice, but you need more from her than what she has given you thus far and seem to be ahead of her in that regard. Either she catches up and gets on board and in simple terms, flat-out says that she want this back and wants to work, or you bail, because this is not fair to you to hold back all these feelings you have for her comfort, only hoping she comes around.

 

Being kind, gracious, and everything in between is the best bet at all times, but no matter how this goes, you clearly know what you want. The question is does she? And are you willing to bide your time, patiently, suppressing how you really feel until she makes a move that works in your favor?

[pasteurization]

Challenege away! I will not fight you on this one. I actually agree with you. He is not giving me what I need and never did, which is why it ended in the first place. I was a fool to think that 3 weeks away was going to do us any good. The issues are still there and there is no resolution to them other than to walk away. I have done everything I can and then some and he is not receptive to me.

 

It had so much promise this second time around, but the hot and cold business got old a long time ago. Last week, we spent 3 days together, this week, it's NC going on 4 days now. I don't ever buy the "busy" idea, as I work longer hours than he does. There is always time for a call or text. He is choosing not to and I cannot change that, no matter how awesome I am or try to be. I can bend over backwards and it's still not going to change his response. All it does is make me look like an ass which is not a title I hold well.

 

I have nobody but myself to blame in this and I take responsibility for it. I have learned that I am certainly not OK with somebody not comfortable with daily contact or at least every 3-4 days. That's ridiculous. As much as I wanted to give him space and make myself OK with it, I truly am not. I tried to be, but that's not me being myself and I don't need to change for anyone. To hell with him too.

 

 

Wow, it is a night for saying to hell with a lot of things for both of us.

 

I have to agree with your decision on this one. It seemed like you were pushing to make yourself OK with someone who is just fundamentally unlike you. I don't know much about you, but I get a strong sense that you would not be happy for very long with someone who is obsessed with fishing, much less the emotional vanishing act. You seem like a very dynamic and smart person who needs more stimulation than that...

 

It does amaze me that during these times of abandonment crisis, all the flaws in the object of our desire somehow vanish, and we think that they are the only one we really could want or be with. I'm trying to remind myself now of all the things that had turned me off about my ex in the past. There was insane jealousy if I was friends with another woman; her tendency to talk about herself constantly without asking a question of anyone else; and she sometimes showed the kind of impatience and criticism that I know can corrode a relationship over the long term. Of course, there were all the great qualities and chemistry that kept us together, but tonight is a night for focusing on the bad!

 

What about the guy who was texting and calling constantly? Did he finally get the message?

[pasteurization]

Seems like we're cross-posting here... Ignore the last questions...

[scorpio1978]

Thank you as alwAys, Scorpio. What exactly is going on with your situation?

 

What's going on with me? Not a darned thing but foolishness! I get giddy when I see a text from him, which I haven't seen in days. I love every second I spend with him and never want the time to end and when it does, I go on about my life of overachieving in every fashion and yet sit there, hoping that the next phone call is him and crumple when it isn't. I spend my time wondering if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing and maybe that is why he isn't responding to me and with every second that I do that, I feel less and less like myself which is an attractive, strong, smart woman with a lot of gifts to offer the right person.

 

Soon, I will be a shell of myself, so you know what? The heck with all that wallowing in self pity. It is absolute stupidity and foolishness to allow that man to have that much control over me and I have decided that I am beyond the limits. I will not spend another second of this life wishing I was with him and wishing he could see what everyone else who loves me sees. He may be a great guy in a lot of ways, but he is not a great guy for me and as much as it hurts, I have to let it go and not look back. I absolutely have to because I am ruining myself and missing out on so much because of this ridiculous situation. Done and done!!

[scorpio1978]

Wow, it is a night for saying to hell with a lot of things for both of us.

 

I have to agree with your decision on this one. It seemed like you were pushing to make yourself OK with someone who is just fundamentally unlike you. I don't know much about you, but I get a strong sense that you would not be happy for very long with someone who is obsessed with fishing, much less the emotional vanishing act. You seem like a very dynamic and smart person who needs more stimulation than that...

 

It does amaze me that during these times of abandonment crisis, all the flaws in the object of our desire somehow vanish, and we think that they are the only one we really could want or be with. I'm trying to remind myself now of all the things that had turned me off about my ex in the past. There was insane jealousy if I was friends with another woman; her tendency to talk about herself constantly without asking a question of anyone else; and she sometimes showed the kind of impatience and criticism that I know can corrode a relationship over the long term. Of course, there were all the great qualities and chemistry that kept us together, but tonight is a night for focusing on the bad!

 

What about the guy who was texting and calling constantly? Did he finally get the message?

 

BINGO!!! Look for flaws! That is one of the main steps in healing. Take that person off a pedestal and see them for what they are. I have read books on it, I have been in therapy, I hold a medical degree telling me this, and I have friends who work in mental health and it's a huge point to make. Focus on the bad to see them as human and not as this amazing, supernatural being that you love and adore. I swear, Past, I know you will get there. There will be bad days and the day you know she is home is going to suck, but if you move on in this direction, you are already off to a good start

[pasteurization]

I'll just say, Scorpio, that you are extremely eloquent and on point when writing in this forum. I think there's a book deal waiting for you somewhere, and this topic is always going to sell...

[scorpio1978]

I'll just say, Scorpio, that you are extremely eloquent and on point when writing in this forum. I think there's a book deal waiting for you somewhere, and this topic is always going to sell...

 

 

Thanks, doll. I have my moments, but then there is utter chaos too. Sleep well, my friend. Tomorrow is another day. One at a time, ok? I will check in soon. You've got this!! You deserve better and you know it.

[pasteurization]

Just one more question before I kick it for tonight. What are you doing with yourself to get your mind off things? Have you been out dating? I've always been a great first date guy, but I'm absolutely dreading the thought of being out there again right now. I also have plans to do a lot of visiting with friends and stuff, but I find myself thinking about her even in the middle of conversations with other people. The only thing that truly works for me is exercise, which I do religiously, but the mental clearing afterward only seems to last about 2 hours, then back to the usual obsession....

[scorpio1978]

Just one more question before I kick it for tonight. What are you doing with yourself to get your mind off things? Have you been out dating? I've always been a great first date guy, but I'm absolutely dreading the thought of being out there again right now. I also have plans to do a lot of visiting with friends and stuff, but I find myself thinking about her even in the middle of conversations with other people. The only thing that truly works for me is exercise, which I do religiously, but the mental clearing afterward only seems to last about 2 hours, then back to the usual obsession....

 

Honestly, I do things that are a little more unhealthy in the sense that I analyze it until I get to a point where I am exhausted and feel like I just cannot do it any longer, and so I stop. I finish that and go on about my daily routine until it hits me again and I face it head-on. It's a bad thing to not face it and not deal with it, so I call friends, I talk about it, I have a glass of wine and sometimes cry about it. It's part of the healing process. I get it out in any way that I can except for calling him and cursing him out, which is what I want to do, but would not solve anything. Why would it? He is being himself and I am being myself and we are not on the same page. I don't want to be that person who ignores it and then allows it to hit me when I least expect it. I do everything I can to get it out in some manner. If exercise works for you even for a little bit, that's better than what most people have. You are going to think about her and think about your relationship and you are going to obsess about it. There is nothing wrong with that. You will do that and then you will get to a point where you have had enough. I am there right now.

 

I have suitors and I have dated, but they are not "him" and until I can go into something with good intention and a fresh start, I am not ready. Its not fair to date right now. No man should have to pay for his "mistake" or pay for the hurt that I feel because of him and no woman should be a stepping stone to you. You're not ready for that and neither am I. There is a lot of work that you and I both need to do for ourselves before we should even consider inviting someone else in.

 

I say exercise, hang with friends, find a new hobby and when you feel bad, allow yourself to feel that way and then move on. If you need a whole day to feel like crap, take it. The next time, allow only 23 hours of that, and then less the next day and so on.

[pasteurization]

Good night Scorpio, and sleep well with a clear mind...