Old Male Friend Resurfaces

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I feel very sorry for you. You are in such denial. Your wife is a cakewoman who treats you with such disrespect and humiliation. I am afraid that you would have to be somewhat masochistic to accept this. It sounds like you are totally co-dependent on your wife and willing to accept scraps. How sad that you have so little respect for yourself. It is your life and I wish you the best. Why you wish to share your wife's mind and body with another man is beyond me. Her attitude toward you on the phone says it all. Unfortunately your attitude of acceptance says it all also.

[Owl]

Based off of what you are telling us, there is NO WAY that this is something other than what it seems. Trust me, we all know what its like not wanting to believe its possible. But you know that there is something wrong...or you wouldn't have posted here in the first place!

 

Admit it to yourself, and start doing what you've got to do. If you want to work on the marriage, you're going to have to force your hand. Confront her with the cell phone bills. Tell her flat out you know what's going on. If you feel like you have to, set it up so you KNOW she's going to go to his house sometime, and then catch them at it. Sounds horrible, but the fact is she is going to keep denying it for as long as she can. She surely did need that hug this morning...she's treating you like s*** and she knows it. She's feeling guilty for the double life she's leading, and once to feel loved by you even though she's doing what she's doing.

 

The MOST charitable thing you could say is going on would be to totally fool yourself into thinking that they're not having sex...which is sheer denial, but there you go. Even if they're not, she's having an emotional affair with this guy where he is replacing you in providing love to her. Trust me...been there, got the scars from it.

 

Now...start taking some action to do what you want to do. You want to rebuild?? Then make it happen. End the affair, and start working on rebuilding your marriage. It CAN'T happen while she's still seeing him.

[jmargel]

Guest.. Im somewhat in a similiar situation. We've been married since August, but my wife's ex has talked to her a few times, and they've actually met in a public place twice. To say the least I was pissed. She has told me 'I don't love him, I don't want to be with him', I told her enough bull****.

 

I laid it on the line, that this is unacceptable behavior. She has said things like the others here 'Trust me, etc..' Its hard to trust when things like this are done behind your back. I was fortunate enough in that her dad actually met up with him and told him to leave us alone, well guess that didn't work. And he had a pretty stern talk with her about it too.

 

I told her the other day that I love her, that I need three things in this marraige. Honesty (trust), security, and love. If she wants to be with him then go. She got mad that I looked at her cell the other day, but I told her flat out that I didn't trust her as far as this goes. She has even told me if I wanted to call him I could. But I know how that would go.

 

Anyway, she has a choice to make. I believe she is only looking at him as a friend, but that is unacceptable anymore and I have told her this. It's because he hasn't moved on and wants her back & she knows it. So what I am doing, and have been doing is backing off. I let her come to me and the things she has mentioned about me that she doesn't like I am changing, not only for her but myself. But, she like your wife also needs to change. A relationship is 100/100 and if one side is not willing to make changes for the marriage, then it's not worth being in it.

 

It's time to stand up for yourself. Continue acting like this (ie. leaving the room when she talked to him, etc..) will only allow her to continue this. I have stood up to my wife and she knows I will not tolerate no more. I told her I will leave. You need to do the same. You should not be competiting in your own marriage. She is an adult and is responsible for her own actions so don't let her put you on the defensive. It's time to fight for your wife, not just sit idle by and watch things go bad.

 

Hang in there..

[Guest]

I hear what you are all saying. Yesterday she said she wanted to seperate. I fought hard with her and said you need to respect me and our marriage. She said she would and would give it some time and see how things pan out.

 

I have never been insecure or jealous of her, until this started (some 4 weeks ago). She complains that I always have to know where she is, what she is doing etc. That I look at her phone records, and I need to stop stalking her (in her words). I really love her, and know I am insecure at the moment. My big fear is that if I do this, then in another month or so, she will turn around and the whole thing will start again. She actually called him in front of me yesterday, I pretended it wasnt a big deal.

 

She wants her freedom, and the ability to go and do things on her own, without my interference. I give her all the freedom she wants anyway, but in her mind when I ask her how her night was etc it is checking up on her.

 

A few weeks ago, when everything was good, I told her about how when she speaks to him etc when I am not around, how it makes me feel (like there is something going on). She said she can see it from my point of view, but they have and will always be friends. But still, it is like she only contacts him, when she is away from me. For 5 mins when she pops down to the shops, or when she is driving somewhere, when I am at work etc. She has started to hide her mobile phone which really pis*es me off.

 

I am afraid, that if I did take everyones advice and bring up all this 'stop seeing him or I will leave' stuff, that she will say fine, see you later. Part of me sees how I am overreacting, but most of me just sees how guilty all this material looks, and maybe I am a fool for denying the soft evidence.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Guest

OK, an update. Everything has been going well these last couple of weeks or so, as far as I can tell she has not been in contact with him ... HOWEVER ... last night has put a serious wedge between us. My wife went to a pub last night with her family (I didnt go, as we couldnt get a babysitter). After being there for 10mins she messaged her 'friend' and to cut a long story short asked him what he was up to. He ended up coming down to the pub.

 

 

So her family met this guy? You might want to expose her affair (whether its emotional or physical..) to them.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Guest

I am afraid, that if I did take everyones advice and bring up all this 'stop seeing him or I will leave' stuff, that she will say fine, see you later. Part of me sees how I am overreacting, but most of me just sees how guilty all this material looks, and maybe I am a fool for denying the soft evidence.

 

What do you have to lose? She is already saying she wants to seperate. You two definetly need marraige counseling. You need to be more secure in the relationship and stop snooping, and she needs to stop doing these sneaky things behind your back. It takes two to make this relationship work. But just by doing one thing (ie. you are her fixing what's wrong) won't fix the relationship entirely.

 

I'm telling you, you are letting her do this to you. Her calling him in front of you, knowing this bothers you is a slap in the face. She is using you as a safety net. IMO, this is how you should approach it:

 

Apologize to her for checking her phone, etc.. Let her know that you were wrong and that you will not do it again. That by doing this you realized that this has contributed to the problem. That if she loves you and respects you enough, she will do what is right. Then tell her that it has made you very uncomfortable and it's destroying the underlining layer of trust everytime she calls him or goes to see him. That you can't live day to day, wondering about what is going to happen next. That you both need to help each other and this relationship by doing what is right for each other. Then suggest marriage counseling.

 

I have told my wife where I drew the line. Personally I will not just sit by while I get disrespected in my own marriage. If she chooses to leave, then it's on her own conscenious. That by me making a stand did not drive her out of my life. You need to stand upto her, women like confidence and you are not showing any. You get treated by the way you let others treat you.