lilylover Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Need perspective. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I love him very much. He is creative, unique, intelligent, and we have great chemistry, i.e., very attracted to each other. We have lived together for much of that time as well, which may or may not be a smart thing given the place we are in our lives - late twenties, figuring out careers, our"selves", etc. My boyfriend has been looking for himself in a lot of ways, especially in the sense of a career track. It has been a major source of stress for him, and he gets a lot of pressure from his family. He just has had a hard time choosing. I have tried to be supportive - emotionally and financially. In this process of "looking" he has changed a lot and so I believe has his perspective on me and our relationship. But he stays. As of late I have been feeling at a loss. I always knew myself to be a confident person with a knack for people. I am on a great career track towards something I've always dreamed about, and last year it came true. But in my relationship I become self-conscious and nervous. I can't decide if I'm just paranoid or if my fears are founded. What do I fear? I've told my boyfriend that I felt he doesn't compliment me. Now I'm not just looking for garden variety compliments that you can tick off a list, but in contrast he has no problems finding my faults. He has acknowledged this about himself. It's really brought down my self-esteem in his eyes, and I value his opinion of me. When I try to tell him it bothers me or try to retaliate he retorts with "you're being too sensitive" or that I don't get his humour or that I have a big ego. It always comes back to me and my issues, instead of the other part of the reality that he doesn't set up a healthy emotional environment for me. The worse development is that I have grown jealous. I have found out that he has been "looking" for "female" friends on various dating websites. He's a big flirt, and I told him that has made me feel uncomfortable. He says that "flirting is a civil right." I don't think I'd mind the flirting (because I'm not unfriendly myself) but I want to have a good understanding between us and about our relationship first. And to have his first reaction to my discomfort be not to reassure me, but rather defend it as a right that he won't stop - that doesn't say a whole lot to me about how he treats my feelings - at least to a "sensitive" "paranoid" person. These issues seem sooo subtle, and yet I have left out some more insulting words and details. Am in a bad relationship? Am in an emotionally unhealthy environment? If he seems so unenthusiastic about our relationship than why does he stay? Should I just slap myself and chill our my paranoia? Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 " I have found out that he has been "looking" for "female" friends on various dating websites. He's a big flirt, and I told him that has made me feel uncomfortable. He says that "flirting is a civil right." I don't think I'd mind the flirting (because I'm not unfriendly myself) but I want to have a good understanding between us and about our relationship first. And to have his first reaction to my discomfort be not to reassure me, but rather defend it as a right that he won't stop - that doesn't say a whole lot to me about how he treats my feelings - at least to a "sensitive" "paranoid" person. " Why does he feel the need to look for female friends? Because it's his "right"? It sounds like he needs something to boost his ego-like you said, things aren't going so great for him right now, and getting female attention is his way of making himself feel better. But it is selfish of him to defend himself instead of reassuring you that YOU are the only woman in his life. 4 years, living together....it says A LOT about how he feels about your feelings. He doesn't CARE! Ask him why he feels the need to do this-if this is something new, or if he's been doing this a while. If he needs this in his life to boost his ego, I would kick him to the curb, especially if it's HE who is calling you "sensitive" and "paranoid". You have every right to know where you stand in your relationship, and what he seems to be telling you by the way he responds to your feelings is that you stand to the side... I'm sorry. That's how I see it. If he isn't willing to stop, it's time for you to pick yourself up and move on... Oh, and why does he stay? Is he financially unable to leave at this time? Do you "take care" of him? Also, it sounds like he can walk all over you-he's brought down your self-esteem, and that makes him feel like a "BIG MAN". Don't let him do this to you, sweets....! Yes, I'd say you're in a bad relationship with an emotionally unhealthy environment. But remember that it isn't the end of the world!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilylover Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Thanks for the reply. Things are better, because we have "talked through" a lot and, because we have changed a lot in years, communication styles have to be updated. I think that's key in long-term relationships. You can't expect to "know" someone better because of time. Actually I think it's sometimes the opposite. I believe that my boyfriend really has the understanding I want, it's just that he didn't communicate it to me effectively enough. And the "emotional environment" is better. As to jealousy well, we have come to a better understanding. I told him that as long as its established to girl "X" that he is in a commited relationship, that flirting can be a harmless activity. I say that because I think it's especially the case with a girl who is interested in a guy that if she thinks he is single, than flirting can go in two directions. It can go the route of "hmmmm, I think he's interested in me and I think he's cute and maybe I should ask him to hang out again" -or- "He's a really friendly and awesome guy, and dammit, he's taken." I know that I establish that with guys I meet, and the flirting does commence in such a way that even though there's flirting (i.e., giggling, intimate talking, joking, etc.) that there is an implicit understanding that that's all it is. There are no hard and fast rules of course. But my guy is taking up the challenge, and as for me, well, I can keep him on his toes too. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused28 Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hi lilylover, Wow, I understand! I am in a relationship of 2 years and have heard "you are too sensitive" many times. Being sensitive to your partner's wants, desires and needs is what a relationship is about. After all, we are not dating and living with a "friend".... this is our lover, companion, sensitivity is key. I think that it is absolutely ridiculous that he is looking for "friends" that are girls on web-sites. PLEASE!!!! I'm sorry, but that is so wrong. I think that he is down and out because of his career situation and looking to other girls to pump up his esteem. You deserve someone who wants to be with YOU! How would he feel if you were seeking male "friends" online? Hmmmmm........ ask him that. You deserve the best, someone that appreciates your love and support both emotionally and financially. Take Care, Confused28 Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 It can go the route of "hmmmm, I think he's interested in me and I think he's cute and maybe I should ask him to hang out again" So, you think it's just fine for your guy to "hang out" with the girls he meets online...It's fine to flirt harmlessly with someone you barely know, but with someone you meet online and "hang out" with?? Well, I couldn't agree more with what Confused 28 said, and I think I said it all in my first post. But if you want to continue to enable this guy to walk all over you, by all means... Link to post Share on other sites
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