Hubby is active alcoholic, debt is getting out of hand

[HollyB]

I have never entered a chat room or anything of this nature before, but I was surfing on info about legal seperations and stumbled on this. Hi people.

 

My question is what really is a legal seperation? I don't want a divorce, neither does my husband but he is an active alcoholic and is financially running us into the ground.

 

we have been married for 13 years, until this I was single all of my adult life. No children, no family either.

All my life I have worked hard to maintain good credit, pay my dues, and try to get ahead but hubby is extremely irresponsible and I married into very old student loans, old DUI, etc. Idaho is a community state, his bills are my bills and I can't take this pressure anymore. For the first time we are unable to make the mortgage pymt this month.

He will not address the problem, he goes fishing.

I am scared of ruining my own credit. If he should lose his job, heart attack, anything, I will go down the tubes w/ him.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I sure would appreciate anything, or a tip as to where to go for info. Thanks.

[ILSO]

Things like, beeing in a fault/no fault/ community state should have no bearing on your decison to stay married.

 

There's a great site marrigebuilders.com, I may have it wrong it's around here somewhere. I've seen that suggested alot. Check that out when the correct URL or search shows it.

 

It"s water under the bridge now. For yourself and to yourself, make a list of your troubles-mortgage, car payment , relationship, etc. Pick a few prioities and work on them one at a time. Get help! You can useualy find profesional help for things for little$. The mortgage, for example, that is a big one. So, find some free finacial advice from a qualifed person on what steps to take.

 

The drinking...You can't make him stop, but you can offer help. I seriously doubt if he woke up one day and said, 'I'm going to be a drunk'. He's self medicating, suggest seeing a DR. There are many different forms of treatment(medical, non medical) to help with the drinking. For the short term, I'd designate yourself as a driver. Cheaper than a DUI and you get to spend time together~you did say neither of you want a divorce? Go fishing with him or offer to drive him to his favorite spot.

 

Hang in there, it's only going to get better if you want it to.

[SoleMate]

It must be very scary to not be able to make your mortgage, and I sympathize with you greatly.

 

<URL removed> is a great site, and has very practical advice on improving your satisfaction in your marriage. However, Dr. Harley (who runs the site) is very rough on alcoholics (and abusers and adulterers). In his experience, those actions can make a person impossible to be married to. By no means does this mean there is no hope, but I do think that if your husband does not curb his drinking, there is no longterm happy future for the two of you.

 

As far as the mortgage goes, please call your lender right away (or see them in person if you can) and let them know that you are having a problem this month. The more you communicate and show that you are taking your debt seriously, the better chance you have of getting them to cut you some slack. They may even agree to skip one payment entirely (of course, your loan term will get extended). They may have other creative ideas as well. They are (usually) more interested in protecting their investment than in cracking down on debtors.

 

Can you make the mortgage next month? Can you get a short term loan from family to cover this month? (Only do this if next month is looking better.) Why exactly has there been a shortfall? Too much discretionary spending? It may be time to take control of the finances. I would do this in a loving, yet firm way that helps your husband get over his anxiety. You get his paycheck and manage all the money. He should not have a checkbook or credit cards. Then you give him cash every week for his personal needs. Lots of couples manage their money this way, and although it may seem uncomfortable, it is better than the alternative, of anxiety, bankruptcy, and divorce.

 

There are other ways to raise some cash quickly - sell off possessions, hold a rummage sale, rent out rooms in your house, do some services for people, like housecleaning, typing, organizing, whatever. Maybe your husband can tie fishing flies and you can sell them at your rummage sale.

 

If it is looking like longterm the mortgage is just too much for you both, then please consider selling. It's better to exit your house yourself - gracefully - than be forced out by foreclosure.

 

If you don't want a divorce, then don't separate. It seems as if your marriage has a lot of problems, and you're probably both better off being there to support each other. If you separate, he will almost inevitably go downhill, with more drinking and more spending, and probably losing his job pretty quick as well. So stick by him, so you can keep him on his feet.

 

Too late now to talk about why you married someone with this load of baggage - alcoholism and debt, plus irresponsibility - but I don't think the situation is hopeless.

 

Good luck!