I lied about my age

[Havetotellher]

I have known my girlfriend for about a year now. We have been good friends for a long time, and started dating about a month ago. She lives in Ontario, and I am about 8 hours away in the U.S. The problem is, she is 17, and I am 15. I know i'm young, but sometimes kids need advice too. When we started getting close, she asked how old I was. I really liked her by this time, and thought that if I told her I was 15 I might lose her friendship, so i told her I was 17. I realize now that I care about her too much to continue lying to her. I really believe that I am beginning to love her, and she never fails to remind me that she loves me. But every time she says it, it feels like i'm getting shot, because I know that I am inevitably going to hurt her. I am not here to ask whether or not to tell her, I am set on that, I am just looking for advice on how to approach this, and hopefully hear whether or not some of you think it can work out between us. (To add a few more details, we skype daily, and she plans on flying down here next summer)

[TaraMaiden]

Oh God.

 

I'm sorry. No matter HOW you approach this, she'll drop you like a brick fresh out of the kiln.

And rightly so.

[CA2TN4Love]

Is she flying down next summer because she'll be 18 and she's expecting you to be 18 as well? If so, be prepared for her to postpone the trip, if she doesn't cancel it altogether. That's a very likely outcome.

 

I think you just need to come out with it and explain to her why you did it. She may or may not accept it. You'll never know until you tell her, but putting it off is just going to prolong your agony and possibly intensify her feeling of betrayal. Hopefully, your age is all that you've lied about and you didn't follow it up with a bunch of other lies to support it. This is the perfect example of how one small lie that seems insignificant at the time can snowball. I wish you well!

[Tk123]

I'm sorry to tell you but if she ever finds out that you lied about your age, she is going to leave you. I found out 7 months into my relationship that my partner lied to me about where she works.

 

When you lie about something so simple to your partner like age or where you work, how can you ever trust your partner? Think about it, I'm sorry but it's the truth.

[hoping2heal]

I'm glad you're going to tell her. I don't agree with you lying to her in the first place, but your determination to come clean puts many adults to shame who would just continue lying rather than be honest. When she finds out your real age she probably will end things but you have to know you were already living on borrowed time. You didn't want to be yourself for fear you would lose this person. You already knew that you two weren't compatible.

 

You said sometimes kids need advice and the best advice I can give you is to not let yourself get wrapped up in another situation like this. You're only 15, make friends but don't be worried about trying to tackle a serious relationship at that age. Enjoy just being a "kid" with the last few precious years you have left to do it. You're going to really hurt someone badly all for lack of maturity. While at 15 I would expect you to know right from wrong, I get that it's that kind of immaturity that results in stuff like this. People much older than you do the same but you're at least willing to own up to your mistakes. I think you deserve some credit for that but you're going to have to endure some consequences of your actions now all the same. Take care and it goes without saying, no more lying to girls either.

[soccerrprp]

SIGH. Why O why? SIGH.

[CherryT]

OK. I know you're a kid and you probably didn't think it would come back around to bite you, but it has. As a 15 year old, you are now going to start to learn what it's like to be an adult. Perhaps she'll give you another chance, but it's high unlikely. Think about the situational differences that you both will be going through? She will be going to college where you'll still be in high school. She is planning on flying down next summer, but how would you be able to sustain a LDR and the cost of visiting? LDR are difficult even at the best of time (honest communication, having decent funds to visit once in awhile etc). This will be a adult learning lesson for you that lying will not get you what you want. In fact, it could set you far back then where you started.

 

No one can say for sure whether she will forgive you - however, if I was in that situation I would probably just end it as there wasn't much invested.

[Havetotellher]

To reply to all of this in a way, I suppose i will just go down the list. The first thing being that I was not afraid to be myself. When i said that, it was before we were together. I have not told her another lie before or since, and have really spent most of the time trying to figure out HOW to bring this to her. I know she will likely leave me, and rightly so. However, I still expect the worst but hope for the best. There may be some solace in the fact that I am not two years younger than her, just a little over one year. She isn't flying down because she's turning 18, she stays with family near my hometown every summer, and I just happened to have missed that opportunity. My biggest fear is that i can't tell her soon enough. Saturday she leaves for a scholarship program to Australia for a month, and she has been looking forward to it so much I can't bring myself to ruin it for her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Seriously, I would just keep lying and tell her I got held back a grade and was embarrassed to say.

 

However I really admire your honesty. I think it best if you come up with a solid excuse... Amnesia works in movies.

[justwhoiam]

I have known my girlfriend for about a year now.

You see, if it had been going on for one or two months... I would have suggested how to tell her and how to approach things. But one year? It is very very likely that you'll lose any chance with her.

[CherryT]

Seriously, I would just keep lying and tell her I got held back a grade and was embarrassed to say.

 

However I really admire your honesty. I think it best if you come up with a solid excuse... Amnesia works in movies.

 

I sure hope this is sarcasm.

[CherryT]

To reply to all of this in a way, I suppose i will just go down the list. The first thing being that I was not afraid to be myself. When i said that, it was before we were together. I have not told her another lie before or since, and have really spent most of the time trying to figure out HOW to bring this to her. I know she will likely leave me, and rightly so. However, I still expect the worst but hope for the best. There may be some solace in the fact that I am not two years younger than her, just a little over one year. She isn't flying down because she's turning 18, she stays with family near my hometown every summer, and I just happened to have missed that opportunity. My biggest fear is that i can't tell her soon enough. Saturday she leaves for a scholarship program to Australia for a month, and she has been looking forward to it so much I can't bring myself to ruin it for her.

 

Oh, and to answer your question about how to do it. Well, there's no magical way to do it. You lied and any way you do it will sting for her. The best thing I can think of, is you sit her down and you just tell her. Tell her once why you did it and you didn't mean for it to drag on this long. However, don't make any excuses. Apologize and let her make up her mind.

 

The worse is when someone tries to apologies for something they did and start making a tone of excuses why they did it.

[FitChick]

It's possible she could be arrested as a pedophile.

[Havetotellher]

You see, if it had been going on for one or two months... I would have suggested how to tell her and how to approach things. But one year? It is very very likely that you'll lose any chance with her.

 

I have known her for a year, but we have only been close the last few months. She was a friend of a friend, so only recently did she bother to ask my age.

[Havetotellher]

It's possible she could be arrested as a pedophile.

 

No, a difference of 2 years is legal in the U.S and Canada. Technically, she and I are a year and 2 months apart.

[justwhoiam]

I have known her for a year, but we have only been close the last few months. She was a friend of a friend, so only recently did she bother to ask my age.

So how long ago did you pop the lie?

[Havetotellher]

So how long ago did you pop the lie?

 

About a month ago, maybe a month and a half

[TMichaels]

She was a friend of a friend, so only recently did she bother to ask my age.

 

Very possible she already knows how old you are through the "friend of a friend connection" and what she's heard from him/her doesn't jive with what what you said.

 

If not, chances are she'll find out how old you really are whether you tell her or not via the same connection.

 

Though chances are she'll dump you once she does find or figure it out (if for no other reason that she doesn't want to run the risk of being charged with being a pedophile) the collateral damage will be worse if she catches you in a lie.

 

You need to fess up Havetotellher, knowing full well you made a big error in judgment for which you no doubt will pay.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ana0pera]

It is better to be honest now. Just tell her! Tell her you lied and why. You're going to have to own up to your lie and the consequences. Hopefully it wont matter to her but you have to accept that she might call it quits. good luck.

[justwhoiam]

About a month ago, maybe a month and a half

Tell her now, while it's still fresh, don't wait any longer. I think there are two ways to tell her, you need to choose the best one in your case, only you know her. It's the light one (#1) and the serious one (#2):

1) Pop the truth lightly, like: You know, last month I told a little lie about my age, I'm 15. I already liked you by then and I was not sure if me being younger was OK to you...

2) Sit her down and treat the matter very seriously, like: (insert name), I need to talk to you about something, for which I'm quite ashamed now... First I want to say that I never lied to you about anything regarding myself since when we started talking one year ago. But last month, when I had to give out my age, I felt a bit insecure, and now I need to tell you I'm 15. (Then you can go on apologizing or adding your thoughts, etc.)

 

There's no way that can guarantee she will be fine with that, but the sooner the better. Good luck with picking the correct number.

[MorganDreamer]

lying about an age is not a big deal, but however LIEING is unacceptable in the relationship either!!!

But in this case you didn't lie about a very bad thing, so I think if she loves you then she will probably not care. But she might be pissed when she knows the true, be prepared.

[Els]

Well, your username pretty much tells you what you need to do.

 

Was it wrong of you to lie in the first place? Well, yeah. But people make mistakes.

 

Continuing to lie for however long you're doing, though, is no longer just a mistake. It is purposeful and constantly pre-meditated deception. Please be a decent person and own up.

[Havetotellher]

I agree with all of this. I believe I will take the serious way, that's what i was planning on. But there's a HUGE problem. Yesterday morning she left for a month long scholarship program in Australia, during which I will have minimal contact with her. I don't want to stretch this out, but I don't want to ruin this for her either. She spent 3 months writing an essay for it, and had to raise 3k by herself, I would feel terrible if I destroyed the entire experience. I should have told her before, but again, i didn't want to ruin it, and I have only just steeled myself up to the realization that I have no choice but to be honest. This just doesn't seem like something I should be explaining in an email, waiting a day for her to reply, then sending another one to apologize, and so on. If i could, I would prefer to tell her to her face.

Edited June 30, 2013 by Havetotellher

[justwhoiam]

That's up to you. Not advisable though. Maybe you can just throw it out there adding to your next email: There's something I wanted to talk to you about, but it might upset you and I'm hesitant. I'd prefer to talk to you about it as soon as you're back, because now we cannot talk for too long and I'm afraid you might get it the wrong way.

 

Just an idea.

[TMichaels]

I agree with all of this. I believe I will take the serious way, that's what i was planning on. But there's a HUGE problem. Yesterday morning she left for a month long scholarship program in Australia, during which I will have minimal contact with her. I don't want to stretch this out, but I don't want to ruin this for her either. She spent 3 months writing an essay for it, and had to raise 3k by herself, I would feel terrible if I destroyed the entire experience. I should have told her before, but again, i didn't want to ruin it, and I have only just steeled myself up to the realization that I have no choice but to be honest. This just doesn't seem like something I should be explaining in an email, waiting a day for her to reply, then sending another one to apologize, and so on. If i could, I would prefer to tell her to her face.

 

If that's the case, then I'd keep my mouth shut and wait until she gets back.

 

Otherwise, she may think you waited to tell her when she was "less available" and hate you even more for ruining her trip.

 

When she does return, you need to tell her. Might be a good idea to borrow some of the verbiage justwhomiam suggested as in, "I have something important to talk to you about but I didn't want to mention it while you were on your trip, or do it via email. I'd like to call you to talk about it. When's a good time?"

 

Best,

TMichaels