Case of the ex

[Miss_Contemplating]

So my boyfriend (of five months) has this ex, and I wonder if he loved her more and if he would like to get back with her (if that was an option, if she moved closer)? He cut contact with her for now, but I think he might not be over her.

 

In the beginning when we talked about ex partners, he told me about having three relationships. With the first two he had problems with, and doesn't have much contact with them, because he has an issue with their personalities. Then the most recent one he doesn't have a problem with, because it was a mutual split and he says she is a nice girl. Then I asked him if he would ever get back with them some time in the future, and he said no way about the others, but maybe with the recent one, because they didn't have major issues (later he told me he had some, nothing major I would say). Then (same conversation, no time gap) when he talked about his female friends, I asked him if he would ever get with them, but he said no, he doesn't see them that way. Then when pointed out the obvious, that he would never get with his female friends or other ex girlfriends, except for her, that she seems special, he then changed his mind (or it seemed to me that way), and said that he could possibly end up with a guy (he's straight) and that the sun might not come up the next day, that we never know what could happen, and that was the reason behind him saying he would get back with her.

 

Afterwards I found out that with the most recent ex, he had an on again off again relationship. She broke up with him once, they got back together. Then she moved to another country, but they saw each other several times and hooked up. That was over the course of two years.

 

Then he said, they do catch up occasionally. They talked about once per month for about an hour, maybe two.

 

I also found out (because he told me, because I asked) that he has been flirting with her a little, when we first started dating. That was in the very very beginning and he says he did it because he thought I wasn't interested (in the beginning I was taking it slow, not he is taking it slow regarding commitment).

 

The thing is, he said that when they first started their relationship, they both knew it will end, because she would be going back to her country. He also said, that it ended because she wasn't ready for a relationship. They had problems because she wasn't as committed, but he says he can't promise me he would never be with her, because he can see her change in the future.

 

He was also honest with me about them having better sex than we do, but that it was because we haven't been having sex for that long, and that it will come. But the thing is that she was on birth control and he doesn't like using condoms and they also did it after smoking weed which is better supposedly.

 

He met her shorty after his parents divorced, so it was a kind of rebellion on his part. He knew it wouldn't last, though they had trouble letting go of each other and they hooked up (when they were single).

 

But this rebellion is continuing through our relationship as well. He said he might leave if he gets a job abroad, because he doesn't want to have regrets in life. Red flag?

 

Did he love her more? He says they were closer in a way because they were together longer, but he is close® to me as well. Will he leave? Basically he would have to think about it. Would he leave me for her if he had the chance?

 

Should I worry?

 

Then I had a real hard time of coping with this issue, and I asked him (he also offered) to cut contact with her. He did, which I really really appreciate. The way he did it, and why I don't. He told her he can no longer have contact with her for now. Then he also didn't delete her from Skype. And he says if we broke up, he would probably get in contact with her in probably a months time, but he wouldn't pursue anything with her. I accept this is the best he can do, since he said he does miss her and hopes she is all right, and that it feels like she's dead to him.

 

He also said there's a chance he might want to still get with her sometime in the future, while he is with me, or not. He is emotional and says he can't predict his feelings or what will happen in the future. He might turn gay (yeah, right). That he cut contact with her 99% because I had a hard time, and 1% because she might be a threat if he feels something towards her.

 

But that he is not saying he would feel anything. But they haven't met face to face since he's been with me. How can he not know?

 

I know it should all be over now that he cut contact, but I still don't feel secure. I think I might get even closer to him, she contacts him, and he thinks it's fair to meet up with her. I mean he misses her, he thinks cutting contact wasn't necessary. And then I go crazy even before he realizes he still has feelings for her, even though they're not compatible, but then again if she changes (or if he thinks she can) they might become compatible. I mean it seems like he is not over her, but doesn't even know it. :'(

 

I think I should ask him if he still has stuff from their relationship. Maybe that's a good indicator?

Edited June 28, 2013 by Miss_Contemplating

[TaraMaiden]

If you don't want to hear the answers, it's best not to ask the questions....

You come over as very needy and insecure.

I'm sorry, but you've just created more worry for yourself.

 

How long was it between him breaking up with her, and going out with you?

What was the time-gap?

 

(I've also answered in your other thread.

I think, in summary, you deserve to be on your own right now, and to focus on yourself....)

Edited June 28, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Miss_Contemplating]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Do you think it was unreasonable asking him to cut contact?

 

They've had an on again off again relationship for two years and they last hooked up 5 months of us starting to date, but we became official 2 months after starting to date. Should be plenty of time. Also, we met before we started dating (like everyone lol), and he didn't try anything with me then because he wasn't over her, he started showing interest about 2 or 3 weeks later.

[sweetheart5381]

TaraMaiden makes a very good point here, you seem very, very insecure and there is no way you can have a healthy relationship in this state.

 

Your constant worrying will drain the life out of the relationship and your bf will eventually grow tired of constantly trying to reassure and appease you.

 

Also, the relationship is still quite new at 5 months and your bf seems very genuine and honest to be as forthcoming with all of your questions. That's a good thing, but honestly don't ask questions that will leave you with doubt. Negative energy kills young relationships.

 

I used to be very insecure too, and I know what you are feeling right now. For me it was fear. Fear of attachment and fear of abandonment. Until you can accept these fears and face them, they will control the fate of the relationship.

 

Take some time and focus on the positive parts of the relationship and let them fill your mind. Focus on the present, not on the past or future. Believe in yourself and your ability to make good decisions. Trust yourself that no matter what happens, you will be just fine.

[JessieJ08]

Well I don't think your being insecure Your acting like a normal person. Your curious about his past and want to make sure your not in over your head Will he leave you for his ex? It depends the type of person he is but even if don't be s wrapped up into it that you completely block out why your with him.

 

Its not to be into his past exes, if it bothers you that he talks to her ASK him not to let him know exactly why because you feel their are feelings still there and it isn't fair to you.

 

 

It's not insecure for a new girlfriend or boyfriend to be worried about and ex in the picture. because most the time people who aren't over their exes and are still talking to them still want something with them so thats normal your situation he has expressed that he would get back because nothing bad happened between them Thats enough to make me worry so I don't blame you.

 

 

Good Luck

[soccerrprp]

MC,

 

You may be insecure, but this post, your concerns are legit. He flat out told you that he would not promise that he may get back together with his ex. You can tell him to stop having contact, but there are ways for him to hide it. Look, if there are clear signs that he still has feelings for this other girl, you need to distance yourself. It will be painful, but allowing your relationship with mature only to have him walk away later will be even more painful.

 

I don't know really. A part wants to tell you that b/c his ex is elsewhere that you should worry less, but he has a history of getting together with her even with the distance.

 

Ugh. Good luck with this. I just think you should take a break from him, dating. Tell him it's a break and see what happens in a couple months.

 

Good luck.

[AverageCat]

I don't blame your insecurities. He told you he had better sex with her than with you. Who compares their SO with an EX. It's plain STUPID. This guy either:

a) Is too socially incompetent.

b) Needs his ego rubbed by his "more interesting" past story. Aka confidence and living in the present issues.

c) Just doesn't give a crap about you.

d) a mix of a b c.

 

Show him the door.

[Miss_Contemplating]

 

Its not to be into his past exes, if it bothers you that he talks to her ASK him not to let him know exactly why because you feel their are feelings still there and it isn't fair to you.

 

 

It's not insecure for a new girlfriend or boyfriend to be worried about and ex in the picture. because most the time people who aren't over their exes and are still talking to them still want something with them so thats normal your situation he has expressed that he would get back because nothing bad happened between them Thats enough to make me worry so I don't blame you.

 

 

Good Luck

 

He used to talk to her to catch up, to see how she was doing, if she was alright. Also, I asked him if he misses her now, and he said he did (like a friend). He also said, that it might look like they are flirting to the outsider, because they were laughing a lot.

 

And he also says he wants to, at some point, contact her again (because she promised she wouldn't), because he feels like he didn't give her closure by saying he needs some space. And I asked him, what he would say to her now, and it was only the things he had already said to her.

 

And then I told him that contacting her again means you didn't cut contact. And he said he did it for me, for us, temporarily (we had a talk about this if it was temporarily and as far as I know it used to be, and basically now he says he wouldn't do it, if I didn't want him to).

 

Then I asked him if he might even go and see her, if he is in her city, and he said he might (also if I was okay with it). Also, he said repeatedly and wanted to be very clear, that he is allowed to do anything if we split up, which is a no brainer of course, and I agreed of course. But it felt really bad, that he had to explicitly go on about it after I agreed (I mean maybe he just wanted to be clear, clear about him having sex with her in the future). And I asked him, if they ever met up without having sex, and they didn't.

 

Basically, I think he will definitely want to see her in the future, and all this will happen again. And then I will see, if he wants to see her more, or if he wants to reassure me more.

 

Because he understands my point of view, that's why he cut contact (for now). 99% of that, and 1% because he might still feel something (not just friends) towards her. He said that he has feelings for me now, that are growing each day. So he is sure that he wouldn't have a lot of feeling towards her. And he said that if you have a lot of feeling towards someone else, than that is cheating. But that he might still have a little bit of feelings (more than friends) towards her, he is not sure (because he never saw her in person, ad hasn't been in this situation, and feeling are unpredictable), probably he won't, but he doesn't know for sure.

 

Maybe people still have those feelings because they aren't sure in their current partner. Because we do compare previous experiences, and if our current experience isn't what we feel should be..?

 

Otherwise, he told me those things, because I asked and insisted. And I don't think he would hide things from me. I'm really trying to focus on the positive. But every time we spend more than usually apart, it comes back. And when I confront him, or when we talk, it's actually nice now, because before we had some communication problems, now it seems like we understand each other, and he actually likes talking with me now..

 

It seems like I'm going to have to make up my mind, if I want to take a risk. But I don't know if I should. I mean is it normal to not know if there still might be something between you and an ex?

 

I would really really want him to see her now, so he can see what he does or doesn't feel. Even though that would make me feel horrible. I just want to know. But he is not planning on traveling around there currently (it's not just her that's there, it's also his friends that go there for legit reasons..).

 

I'm trying really hard to see or relationship as not as serious, take it as it comes, and just enjoy it. But I'm just afraid that I'm with someone that doesn't know what they feel, and will get hurt..

Edited July 3, 2013 by Miss_Contemplating

[Betterthanthis13]

I think you should appreciate his honesty- if you didn't want to hear the truth you shouldn't have asked the questions.

 

He could have lied and told you what you wanted to hear and given you a false sense of security

He could have lied about his relationship with the girl and continued to hook up with her behind your back

 

Instead he told you the truth, so you can make decisions for your own life based on facts. Reality isn't what you might have been fantasizing about, but that's not his fault.

 

I'm defending the guy for being honest but I do need to say that I do NOT like that he cheated on you and I'd besuper pissed about that. But I am very hard on cheaters. I have a very low tolerance for that.

 

Overall it sounds like the guy is a good communicator and cares about you a lot, is willing to cut contact with a girl he still has a thing for, but the fact that he cheated on you with her and said that the sex was better with her makes me think that if she lived closer she would be his first choice. But I don't know either of you so I could definitely be wrong, and I am just a stranger on the Internet and I certainly have my own problems so really all you can do is listen to your heart and trust your intuition. If he makes you feel loved and safe and you trust him then stick with it. If not, then figure out if its your own insecurities causing you to feel that way or if you have legitimate concerns. If you have legit concerns, it's time to make changes.

[LosingHope0806]

I've come to realize If you have to question it in a relationship then its probably true or not meant to be.

 

Since you feel this way you need to cut ties with him I feel, because you will spend so much time worrying about him and his ex's or females friends, that you will soon neglect the relationship itself causing a break up yourself.

 

Just my thoughts.