sweetheart5381 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 What I am doing now, instead of rushing into dating (sex, intimacy, affection, etc) I am holding back and spending time being friends first. I am volunteering that up front too. It's working as I am discovering that I truly just want a friendship sometimes and, as I learn more about them, and I know they are not dating material, it's easier as there is no break up or uncomfortableness. I am also learning a lot about myself and woman doing this. That's a good thing. Sexuality and intimacy is organic. In order to be great it has to grow. There is no timeline but it definitely grows as the friendship and attachment does. Its funny, when you are 16 all you want is sex. At 36, 46, you want all the stuff that should have happened in between. And it ain't just physical 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I've read your threads. You could have done a much better job with the thread title on this one, and it is inherently inflammatory. I think you know this though. Moreover, you have in the past, unless I have you confused and I don't think I do, posted that you are only attracted to "hot" men. This directly conflicts with the quoted portion above. You have posted many threads about things that go awry with these "hot" men, and their various flaws. That's fine, your preferences are what they are. But given that, then to title the thread as you have? Over the top and annoying, sorry to say. It would be as if, given my posting history, I made a thread titled, "why can't I find a soulmate?" I really think you have me confused... Thread title was just a vent as MrCastle pointed out (thanks ) and I didn't put much thought into it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I think you may be confusing her with other posters. There are women who have said that, and I believe some have posted in this very thread, but OP is not one of them. How many of CinWA's threads have you read exactly, going how far back? OR OP correct me if you are not that poster and I apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
mesmerized Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) I think you may be confusing her with other posters. There are women who have said that, and I believe some have posted in this very thread, but OP is not one of them. lol you're referring to me, aren't you? Yes, I only go out with men I find attractive at this point and no, I won't apologize for it. That being said, as someone who works with and is friends with men from all across the board, I can assure you that being unattractive doesn't automatically make men "moral" or nice or whatever. They have issues of their own that sane women wouldn't want to deal with. Edited June 28, 2013 by mesmerized 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 How many of CinWA's threads have you read exactly, going how far back? OR OP correct me if you are not that poster and I apologize. I have known ES for a while--she's not one of those girls obsessed with specific looks or requires certain physical traits in order to feel attraction. She, like most people, are looking for the complete person. Someone they are physically attracted to, and have chemistry with. I could understand the bashing if she said "why can't I find good men? Keep in mind I won't date under 6 ft" -- or some other shallow requirement all her prospects must pass. She is looking for someone she can see herself being intimate with, as well as someone she can have a deep connection with. If she was shallow, there would be no sympathy on my part, but she is not. From what I know about her, she's a very warm and giving person with totally realistic standards when it comes to dating. She's not asking for a lot. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I have known ES for a while--she's not one of those girls obsessed with specific looks or requires certain physical traits in order to feel attraction. She, like most people, are looking for the complete person. Someone they are physically attracted to, and have chemistry with. I could understand the bashing if she said "why can't I find good men? Keep in mind I won't date under 6 ft" -- or some other shallow requirement all her prospects must pass. She is looking for someone she can see herself being intimate with, as well as someone she can have a deep connection with. If she was shallow, there would be no sympathy on my part, but she is not. From what I know about her, she's a very warm and giving person with totally realistic standards when it comes to dating. She's not asking for a lot. Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I have known ES for a while--she's not one of those girls obsessed with specific looks or requires certain physical traits in order to feel attraction. She, like most people, are looking for the complete person. Someone they are physically attracted to, and have chemistry with. I could understand the bashing if she said "why can't I find good men? Keep in mind I won't date under 6 ft" -- or some other shallow requirement all her prospects must pass. She is looking for someone she can see herself being intimate with, as well as someone she can have a deep connection with. If she was shallow, there would be no sympathy on my part, but she is not. From what I know about her, she's a very warm and giving person with totally realistic standards when it comes to dating. She's not asking for a lot. I'm not 100% comfortable talking about another poster while essentially right in front of them, but since I don't feel I'm attacking her (nor do I mean to), I'll continue. Take it from someone who has been posting here semi-consistently for six years: ES is not as rosy and nice in the relationship department as you're making her out to be, although she's not really the uber-shallow person that dasein makes her out to be either. If you had read her threads and posts from her prior incarnations here on LS, and even a few threads here and there posted by her with her current name, you would know what I'm talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I have known ES for a while--she's not one of those girls obsessed with specific looks or requires certain physical traits in order to feel attraction. She, like most people, are looking for the complete person. Someone they are physically attracted to, and have chemistry with. I could understand the bashing if she said "why can't I find good men? Keep in mind I won't date under 6 ft" -- or some other shallow requirement all her prospects must pass. She is looking for someone she can see herself being intimate with, as well as someone she can have a deep connection with. If she was shallow, there would be no sympathy on my part, but she is not. From what I know about her, she's a very warm and giving person with totally realistic standards when it comes to dating. She's not asking for a lot. Here, here. She was venting... we have all had our moments. She is simply wondering why the hell can't "It's raining men" (but with a few kind adjectives thrown in) come on the radio Just takes time and patience. ALOT of time and patience sometimes. She's not shallow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hppr Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 lol you're referring to me, aren't you? Yes, I only go out with men I find attractive at this point and no, I won't apologize for it. That being said, as someone who works with and is friends with men from all across the board, I can assure you that being unattractive doesn't automatically make men "moral" or nice or whatever. They have issues of their own that sane women wouldn't want to deal with. It's not a matter of physical attraction. It's about personality/character and if you really want a relationship - not just hot dates - you have to learn how to pick out the good ones from the bad. If you can't do that then the good guys will always be boring and the attractive guys will always end up being jerks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I'm not 100% comfortable talking about another poster while essentially right in front of them, but since I don't feel I'm attacking her (nor do I mean to), I'll continue. Take it from someone who has been posting here semi-consistently for six years: ES is not as rosy and nice in the relationship department as you're making her out to be, although she's not really the uber-shallow person that dasein makes her out to be either. If you had read her threads and posts from her prior incarnations here on LS, and even a few threads here and there posted by her with her current name, you would know what I'm talking about. All I can speak from is experience. And all I'm saying is -- compared to some of the other female members on this site with unrealistic expectations wondering why it's not happening for them -- ES seems to get more attacked than others. Which is interesting because a lot of her views are not controversial (in my opinion) and totally understandable. I just don't like seeing members piling on someone I personally view as a decent human being. Especially when most of the stuff she says is not all that bad. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mesmerized Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 It's not a matter of physical attraction. It's about personality/character and if you really want a relationship - not just hot dates - you have to learn how to pick out the good ones from the bad. If you can't do that then the good guys will always be boring and the attractive guys will always end up being jerks. oh really? It's a matter of both. I'm pretty good at picking the good ones from bad when it comes to personality and that's exactly what I was suggesting to ES. Without physical attraction, it's friendship, not a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 All I can speak from is experience. And all I'm saying is -- compared to some of the other female members on this site with unrealistic expectations wondering why it's not happening for them -- ES seems to get more attacked than others. Which is interesting because a lot of her views are not controversial (in my opinion) and totally understandable. I just don't like seeing members piling on someone I personally view as a decent human being. Especially when most of the stuff she says is not all that bad. I agree. Oddly enough, many of the posters in this thread giving her the most unbridled support used to give her the harshest criticism, which was sometimes warranted but more often over the top. Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Just to get back to the original post, rather than this somewhat meta discussion that seems to be taking place... I had a date last night with this sleazy, slimy guy that just made me want to If it's not too awful to recount, is there anything constructive you could suggest that good guys should take care to avoid doing so as not to come across as sleazy or slimy? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 The idea that good guys are just too boring and unattractive is silly. Would men consider a boring and unattractive woman a good choice? Is it really so difficult to be well groomed, in shape, and have an interesting life to share? Maybe the problem is laziness. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I agree. Oddly enough, many of the posters in this thread giving her the most unbridled support used to give her the harshest criticism, which was sometimes warranted but more often over the top. Perhaps they got to know me better 5 Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Another factor that I'm not sure has been mentioned is...is op using strictly OLD? If so, then I think you have your answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Just to get back to the original post, rather than this somewhat meta discussion that seems to be taking place... If it's not too awful to recount, is there anything constructive you could suggest that good guys should take care to avoid doing so as not to come across as sleazy or slimy? Be yourself, maybe? Take care of yourself first, don't worry about what woman think? Then, you will attract the right kind of people into your life. Seriosuly, the more female friends I make, the more I hear the story that men pretend to be what the woman wants and as time goes by the woman learns they are not who they said they were. And my guess is the man realizes HE is not who he sold to the woman..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Be yourself, maybe? Take care of yourself first, don't worry about what woman think? Then, you will attract the right kind of people into your life. Seriosuly, the more female friends I make, the more I hear the story that men pretend to be what the woman wants and as time goes by the woman learns they are not who they said they were. And my guess is the man realizes HE is not who he sold to the woman..... SO true...yet SO difficult for many people to understand. You read non stop stories around here about "you have to act like this", "pretend you don't care", "be aloof", etc, etc, etc. When the answer is right in front of your nose. By yourself and find someone who likes you for YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Perhaps they got to know me better Maybe, but I actually think it's more a result of your conscious (and wise, for your sake) decision to stop using this website like a diary. You used to go into a lot of detail about your experiences with men, both good and bad (mostly bad), and then get a lot of crap for it. Nowadays, you tend to talk about dating in the abstract rather than giving people detailed descriptions of your very actions. Back then, one or two posters described the board's behavior towards you as being tantamount to bullying. In retrospect, I actually agree. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 SO true...yet SO difficult for many people to understand. You read non stop stories around here about "you have to act like this", "pretend you don't care", "be aloof", etc, etc, etc. When the answer is right in front of your nose. By yourself and find someone who likes you for YOU. Dangerous. What if you have a bad self? Or simply put, a personality that most find unappealing. Yes you can wait long stretches of time (months or years) to find someone who will deal with you, but your best bet is to look at yourself and what you can change about yourself to make yourself more attractive on a broader scale. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Dangerous. What if you have a bad self? Or simply put, a personality that most find unappealing. Yes you can wait long stretches of time (months or years) to find someone who will deal with you, but your best bet is to look at yourself and what you can change about yourself to make yourself more attractive on a broader scale. Yeah, the "be yourself"people, while they mean well, are usually the ones who never had any issues with dating in the first place. It's obvious why they would give that as their main advice. Unfortunately, the people who challenge the conventional wisdom of "being yourself" tend to do so because of their belief that by altering some of your behaviors, by following a few "rules" here and there, that they are somehow compromising who they really are. Honestly, that couldn't be further from the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harradin Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Funny that I'm a genuine nice guy who has high morals and ethics etc and I'm single but I think that's more my fault as I'm really shy so I feel too shy to make moves etc. But we do exist, we just get screwed over like I did last year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 The idea that good guys are just too boring and unattractive is silly. Would men consider a boring and unattractive woman a good choice? Is it really so difficult to be well groomed, in shape, and have an interesting life to share? Maybe the problem is laziness. I sometimes wonder who does more to perpetuate this myth: The women who find these guys to be nice but boring and dim? Or the men who swear that women find nice, "good" guys boring by default and only are attracted to bad boys? In all honesty, I think it's a tie 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Maybe, but I actually think it's more a result of your conscious (and wise, for your sake) decision to stop using this website like a diary. You used to go into a lot of detail about your experiences with men, both good and bad (mostly bad), and then get a lot of crap for it. Nowadays, you tend to talk about dating in the abstract rather than giving people detailed descriptions of your very actions. Back then, one or two posters described the board's behavior towards you as being tantamount to bullying. In retrospect, I actually agree. I don't feel comfortable in sharing as much as I did anymore. I now have few trusted friends on here that I talk to in more detail privately. By over-sharing on the boards, I didn't feel advice benefited me at all, as I was spending 99% of the time defending myself. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I don't feel comfortable in sharing as much as I did anymore. I now have few trusted friends on here that I talk to in more detail privately. By over-sharing on the boards, I didn't feel advice benefited me at all, as I was spending 99% of the time defending myself. I can understand that. Precisely why my PM box is often full - some people don't want to share other details that would otherwise get them flamed for whatever reason. I personally haven't had a problem with the "oversharing". Not much about my personal decisions have been attacked for whatever reason, even the more questionable ones. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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