Why are there no good guys left?

[nerd]

Unfortunately, the people who challenge the conventional wisdom of "being yourself" tend to do so because of their belief that by altering some of your behaviors, by following a few "rules" here and there, that they are somehow compromising who they really are. Honestly, that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

 

I think of this like dieting... I try to only make changes that I can sustain over the long haul, or purposely that I can do short term to get certain results and then go back to what I was doing before (as long as I'm not deceiving someone)... Because I can't lie to someone forever.

 

I worry that some of the things that turn people off from me are trivial or superficial things that I'd be willing to change if I were aware of them, but I won't figure them out for months because most women are really averse to telling you the real reasons why they aren't into you.

[MrCastle]

I can understand that. Precisely why my PM box is often full - some people don't want to share other details that would otherwise get them flamed for whatever reason.

 

I personally haven't had a problem with the "oversharing". Not much about my personal decisions have been attacked for whatever reason, even the more questionable ones.

 

I think because you play it safe and don't really say anything inflammatory. And you always try to look at both sides to an argument/point of view. So in kind, people are going to give you the same respect. That would be my assessment

[ThaWholigan]

I think because you play it safe and don't really say anything inflammatory. And you always try to look at both sides to an argument/point of view. So in kind, people are going to give you the same respect. That would be my assessment

Well the trick is in knowing how to broach controversial topics objectively and being tactful at the same time. Pretty much how I view most things. Viewing things from both sides of the fence just comes with the territory.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The idea that good guys are just too boring and unattractive is silly. Would men consider a boring and unattractive woman a good choice?

 

Is it really so difficult to be well groomed, in shape, and have an interesting life to share?

 

Maybe the problem is laziness.

 

This is a tough one.

 

I pound myself to death over this kind of stuff.

 

I have three degrees and may be starting a 4th sometime soon.

 

I feel I need to claw my way to six figures.

 

I feel I need to read the NY Times and political blogs every day to keep up with current events and travel enough and do exciting things like Burning Man to show women at parties that I am entertaining.

 

I also am starting to work out again.

 

Once you start rolling the boulder uphill, it gets so frustrating.

 

Yet, when I sit back and look at the women I liked, they were nothing special in terms of what they did. I just liked them cause they were nice and cute.

 

Maybe the rest of the world expects more than I do? Maybe that's the problem.

[MrCastle]

There's a reason why I don't talk about my long-term relationship on here, and you nailed it. Well, that and because my girlfriend is pretty low maintenance and mostly drama-free to the point where I don't need "help" from anyone here.

 

But yeah, you give too much away, and the vultures start circling. In ES's case in particular, it was the apparently well-respected, self-proclaimed feminist, 5-digit post-count posters who were the most persistent and vociferous in their treating her like a punching bag; not male posters, not bitter dudes, not PUAs. I don't particularly care if I'm being "uncivil" or if I'm singling out posters by saying so. I'm willing to risk incurring the wrath of moderation if it means pointing out the simple truth.

 

And in your case, MrCastle, good luck ever starting a thread again without someone saying you have an unhealthy preoccupation with sex.

 

Yeah. Like I said, there is a lot of projection, a lot of association going on. They read something from a poster that reminds them of the girl that friend zoned them, or the guy that used them for sex. That's it. Opinion formed.

 

I have tried to limit my posting now to just giving advice as opposed to seeking it. Because even if I seek it, I won't get it.

[KungFuJoe]

Dangerous.

 

What if you have a bad self? Or simply put, a personality that most find unappealing.

 

Yes you can wait long stretches of time (months or years) to find someone who will deal with you, but your best bet is to look at yourself and what you can change about yourself to make yourself more attractive on a broader scale.

 

Then it will be more difficult for those people. But that's life.

 

It's my opinion that you can't really change your "core" personality. Some things can be altered, but if you're someone who is emotional (or stoic) or you're frugal or very conservative, etc, etc.

 

If you try to be someone you're not, you will eventually get tired of the act and the "real" you will come out eventually.

 

Why do you think so many LTR end with one person saying, "I don't know what happened...but he/she isn't the person I met"

[TheBigQuestion]

I think of this like dieting... I try to only make changes that I can sustain over the long haul, or purposely that I can do short term to get certain results and then go back to what I was doing before (as long as I'm not deceiving someone)... Because I can't lie to someone forever.

 

I worry that some of the things that turn people off from me are trivial or superficial things that I'd be willing to change if I were aware of them, but I won't figure them out for months because most women are really averse to telling you the real reasons why they aren't into you.

 

Exactly. Giving out advice like "Don't act too eager" or "become a less boring person" is hardly an attempt to change who you fundamentally are. Sure, it isn't fair that women don't need to cultivate real hobbies, interests, or talents to be considered generally attractive, but that's just how it is. You don't have control over the cards you're dealt as a man, but you do have control over how to play the hand.

[MrCastle]

Then it will be more difficult for those people. But that's life.

 

It's my opinion that you can't really change your "core" personality. Some things can be altered, but if you're someone who is emotional (or stoic) or you're frugal or very conservative, etc, etc.

 

If you try to be someone you're not, you will eventually get tired of the act and the "real" you will come out eventually.

 

Why do you think so many LTR end with one person saying, "I don't know what happened...but he/she isn't the person I met"

 

I agree with the core. I just think you can channel the stuff in your core into other energies.

 

A perfect example would be Eminem. A recovering drug addict. He had put on a massive amount of weight after taking downers and overall just being depressed. As he started to recover from his addiction and get back into shape, he was running 10 miles every day on a treadmill.

 

His core personality is one that has addictive, habitual elements to it.

 

He never changed the fact that he has an addictive personality. He just moved his addiction from drugs to running.

 

My core is very passionate and you can see that in my posts. Instead of channeling that passion into hating women 24/7 or hating anything/anyone in general 24/7, I've channeled it into the bedroom where I'm told I'm more passionate than most.

 

So, in short, you can't change core aspects of your personality, but you can certainly change how they're used and what you spend them on.

[Robert]

**** Moderator's Note ****

 

Let's leave the threadjack off this thread please and post on topic posts.

 

Thanks

[xxoo]

Employed, independent, interesting men looking for a relationship:

 

Where are you? Where can a woman meet you?

 

What are you looking for in a woman? How can a woman catch your attention?

[Babolat]

Yeah, the "be yourself"people, while they mean well, are usually the ones who never had any issues with dating in the first place. It's obvious why they would give that as their main advice.

 

Unfortunately, the people who challenge the conventional wisdom of "being yourself" tend to do so because of their belief that by altering some of your behaviors, by following a few "rules" here and there, that they are somehow compromising who they really are. Honestly, that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

I am not suggesting you compromise who you are nor am I suggesting you not make changes in your life. I have made many changes in my life and I continue to make changes.

 

For me sometimes it's about stepping outside my comfort zone, taking some risks and I do that. In the end I am who I am though and theres just things about me that will not change.

 

An example of what I meant is a girl friend of mine told me she once dated a guy who told her he loved to read. Why? Because she does. She was impressed. The first time she went to his house she did not see a single book, nor did he own a Kindle, Knook, etc.

[Babolat]

Then it will be more difficult for those people. But that's life.

 

It's my opinion that you can't really change your "core" personality. Some things can be altered, but if you're someone who is emotional (or stoic) or you're frugal or very conservative, etc, etc.

 

If you try to be someone you're not, you will eventually get tired of the act and the "real" you will come out eventually.

 

Why do you think so many LTR end with one person saying, "I don't know what happened...but he/she isn't the person I met"

 

Bingo...well said my friend.

[Pompeii]

Not saying they're ALL like that, but I would say the field seriously starts to thin out around 27 or so.

 

THAT is false. People are getting married later and later these days. I'd say 33 and onward is when the field narrowly constricts. 27 is when people are starting to get into "marriage mode".

[Mint Sauce]

THAT is false. People are getting married later and later these days. I'd say 33 and onward is when the field narrowly constricts. 27 is when people are starting to get into "marriage mode".

 

Depending on where you live, 33 can already be a wider field again due to the "2nd wave"

[Babolat]

Back to your original post, I have watched one of my female friends, she is 45, grow sooooooo much in the past 4 months as she takes a break from dating. She has a history of moving from relationship to relationship, attracted to the same type over and over.

 

She is now taking a brake and I can see a different woman. She is figuring it out.

 

Take a break. Don't date. Tell men you meet this. Still go out with them, but don't date, work on friendships, work on you, figure out who you are, what makes you happy, where can you compromise, where you cannot. Take an inventory of your past relationships..where are the common threads, patterns?

 

For her it was always being attracted to men that like to party and drink, and cheaters. It's taking her 4+ months to figure it out, but she knows now. This was subconscious attraction of course.

[atlg8r]

Don't get too down about it, and don't give up... I found a great guy, out of the blue when I wasn't even looking

 

Yup, me too. I broke up with my bf of 7 years thinking I'd live alone and be single for a LONG time. I started going to a new church bible study. The first Sunday night, I met some great people but no guys. I go back the next Sunday expecting to see the same nice new friends, and lo and behold, this adorable, sweet guy was sitting at my table. We hit it off right away, and now have been out three times. He contacts me frequently, does what he says he's going to, is smart and attractive....

 

It's hard to believe sometimes, because I really had resigned myself to being alone for quite some time (I'm 34 and didn't expect to meet anyone so soon after a break up). Yet this guy walks into my life and seems almost designed just for me. Plus the feelings seem to be mutual!

 

So yes, don't give up. It really is true that you have to focus on being yourself, finding things that bring joy to your life WITHOUT a man and then you will come across the right one some day.

[SteveC80]

Employed, independent, interesting men looking for a relationship:

 

Where are you? Where can a woman meet you?

 

What are you looking for in a woman? How can a woman catch your attention?

 

What is a "interesting" man? that can be subjective

 

Too many times i see women look for the man to provide entertainment and live a amazingly entertaining lifestyle while theyre generic personality wise and arent all that interesting or funny

 

I think women sometimes overrate mens shallowness and think ok im in shape and pretty my jobs done now give me a good looking sucessful "interesting" man while all they bring is decent looks and not much else

[KungFuJoe]

THAT is false. People are getting married later and later these days. I'd say 33 and onward is when the field narrowly constricts. 27 is when people are starting to get into "marriage mode".

 

It's not false NOR true.

 

It's an opinion. Just like yours.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You want good guys ? Give them a reason to be good to you and you'll have plenty.

 

If a guy needs women to give him a reason to be "good" then who wants him. Not me.

[Pompeii]

I feel I need to claw my way to six figures.

 

I'm on my way there and I haven't even gotten my bachelor's yet.

 

I feel I need to read the NY Times and political blogs every day to keep up with current events and travel enough and do exciting things like Burning Man to show women at parties that I am entertaining.

 

Ok.

 

I also am starting to work out again.

 

Ok, good keep rolling.

 

 

 

Yet, when I sit back and look at the women I liked, they were nothing special in terms of what they did. I just liked them cause they were nice and cute.

 

Of course not. That's what's so ****ed about the masculine gender. We are so easily fooled by a pretty face. We have a VERY short leash when it comes to women we find physically appealing. We put up with all sorts of bull**** when it comes to women who are drop dead gorgeous. Luckily, I've managed to pretty much transcend the cycle when it comes to that. A pretty face with a nice figure? Ok, there's a thousand more where those came from. What do you bring to the table? What are your ambitions? What do you value in life? Where do you see yourself in two years? Five? Ten, maybe? What's one thing you could change about the world if you were God? Those are the questions I'd ask if I was dating.

 

Maybe the rest of the world expects more than I do? Maybe that's the problem.

 

That's how it always is. I'd probably demand more out of my business partners and project partners than I would a romantic interest.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Its not a sore point, just a fact. Most of the women who have "attraction" or "chemisty" problems on this board are attracted to a-holes and that's their problem.

 

dingdingding! Whenever a guy gets up on his soapbox about "most women," it's a surefire bet that he is woefully unacquainted with women.

 

That's okay, though. You just keep telling yourself that; obviously it's an explanation for your circumstances that helps you to feel a lil better about yourself.

 

For the record, being attracted to somebody who's not into you does not automatically make that guy an a-hole. Just if the guy's not YOU! (Or whomever else is around here proclaiming about "all women" or "most women." And you guys are legion!)

[Mme. Chaucer]

I've read your threads. You could have done a much better job with the thread title on this one, and it is inherently inflammatory.

 

Inflammatory thread title or not, she started off with:

 

Why do people have no morals or ethics?

 

I just wish I understood. I don't think women are better but my focus is not women.

 

 

But according to your first post on this thread, I get the picture that you don't "bother" to read beyond the phrase that seems to bolster your own predictable position.

 

Moreover, you have in the past, unless I have you confused and I don't think I do, posted that you are only attracted to "hot" men.

 

Must be another significant example of you "not bothering to read." OP's entire early posting history, at least since I came here, focussed on one man who, according to her description, was the farthest thing from "hot."

 

 

This directly conflicts with the quoted portion above. You have posted many threads about things that go awry with these "hot" men, and their various flaws. That's fine, your preferences are what they are. But given that, then to title the thread as you have? Over the top and annoying, sorry to say.

 

Except … you don't even know who or what you're criticizing here! :lmao:

[boaaaar]

If a guy needs women to give him a reason to be "good" then who wants him. Not me.

Those who give him a reason or at least an incentive to be good to them. The rest keep sitting and complaining.

[PJKino]

I get the feeling I'm no good at generating that spark, because I just don't have the personality for it. But I think I'd be good at the sustained relationship part, after the honeymoon period.

 

But I've never had the chance to find out, so I don't know.

 

Same here im shy when i first meet people then i open up as i get to know them but it seems women are expecting that spark and movie moment where the whole world stops music plays and only you two exist feelings whitin first meeting them which isnt me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

However, given just how you've conducted yourself on past dates and in relationships, you aren't in any position to take the "moral" high ground on anything.

 

Really? I am seriously asking: if a person has conducted themselves in questionable or even bad ways in their life they've forever abandoned the right to take a moral stance on anything?

 

Thank goodness everybody doesn't believe that or I would be with a total bottom feeder of a man right now instead of my spectacular (and morally upright) husband. Who … had a serious mistake or two (or four) in his own past as well.