JessieJ08 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Just Curious What is your take when your dating someone for a few years and they are always invoking the Privacy statement even when you have never snooped or anything? Could you trust this person and how much privacy should be allowed in a relationship? Specially if your talking marriage, I just want some views on the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I think you need to provide some examples of when this has happened so we can help 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JessieJ08 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 The man Im with we have been together for 3 years. When we first started we gave each other our facebook passwords ok not to snoop on each other at least thats not why I did it but anyways I had saw some messages from females and one of his single friends that I questioned him about just curious what they meant. He then went crazy I would say and said Not to ask him about messages he gets from other woman not to mention he said this before basically not to question messages he gets. Ok he changed all his passwords to email to his computer to even putting a lock on his cell phone. Just for me asking one question about a message Now we fast foward to today my phone had died and I asked to use his phone he refused to let me said he didnt want me to see the conversation between his friends and him I kinda thought well thats not why Im asking for it. Idk at this point I kinda feel he is taking this privacy thing to whole different level its making it hard for me to trust him or even want to marry him. I feel anytime I have questioned things I have seen he has gotten so defensive that it puts me in a position to have a guard up also. He calls me drama for asking questions but at this point I feel he has brought he drama around me and I honestly don't think I can stay if he wants his life this private to where he locks everything. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I honestly don't think I can stay if he wants his life this private to where he locks everything. You came to the conclusion I was going to suggest. He's within his rights to be as privates as he wants, and you're within your rights to find that unacceptable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Just Curious What is your take when your dating someone for a few years and they are always invoking the Privacy statement even when you have never snooped or anything? Could you trust this person and how much privacy should be allowed in a relationship? Specially if your talking marriage, I just want some views on the topic. I've been married over 30 years and my wife and I still respect each others right to privacy. I don't open her mail, I don't open her email, I don't look into her purse, etc. and she reciprocates the favor. If she asks to look in my wallet for a medical card or a $20 or whatever I tell her yes and don't have to say "don't look at anything else" because she wouldn't do that. If she gives me a reason to break the privacy thing I would be up-front with that reason and expect her to comply and let me look at whatever I please & vice versa. It's not a "line of death" so it can be broken for such a reason. This has happened a couple times over the years and once the partner is satisfied we go back to the privacy thing. This is a much more a respect for each others right to individuality than a simple trust thing and works for us. Your mileage may vary... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JessieJ08 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Well I feel thats how it should be if you give me a reason to feel that something isn't right and I ask to see and your still arguing privacy for no reason because Im not invading your privacy by asking if I can see with reason something is not right and trust comes in because I respect him so much that I dont make it a big deal like you need to show me or else I just stay quiet and respect his privacy, but now I feel so many times he has used to gain power over the relationship the other day I got a text from an wrong number he picked my phone up and opened the message and read it didnt even ask he actually snatched my phone from me so when my phone had died a few days later I asked to use his he completely starts saying that I dont need to see what he says to his friends, but it was never my intention to use his phone for that. Lol In the past I have seen messages with him knowing where his friend is saying stuff I really feel is questionable like asking him while he was deployed if he had slept with anyone yet I didn't care his friend asked I cared he didnt respond back with anything at all to let his best friend know he was in a relationship so I asked why would his friend ask that. Every reason I have questioned him is because the way acts its not like Im just out of no where going off. but I just wanted to hear views Thanks you all Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well I feel thats how it should be if you give me a reason to feel that something isn't right and I ask to see and your still arguing privacy for no reason because Im not invading your privacy by asking if I can see with reason something is not right and trust comes in because I respect him so much that I dont make it a big deal like you need to show me or else I just stay quiet and respect his privacy, but now I feel so many times he has used to gain power over the relationship the other day I got a text from an wrong number he picked my phone up and opened the message and read it didnt even ask he actually snatched my phone from me so when my phone had died a few days later I asked to use his he completely starts saying that I dont need to see what he says to his friends, but it was never my intention to use his phone for that. Lol In the past I have seen messages with him knowing where his friend is saying stuff I really feel is questionable like asking him while he was deployed if he had slept with anyone yet I didn't care his friend asked I cared he didnt respond back with anything at all to let his best friend know he was in a relationship so I asked why would his friend ask that. Every reason I have questioned him is because the way acts its not like Im just out of no where going off. but I just wanted to hear views Thanks you all I'm a bit confused. In the past, he was more open about sharing but now he gets very upset when you ask to see messages...is that correct? While I don't think it's necessary to have each other's passwords, if you'd already agreed to that and he's suddenly changed his tone I would be concerned. When did you notice this change? Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I think people in a serious relationship shouldn't have to hide anything. I mean, if you feel the need to "snoop" as you put it, for every little thing, then that's a problem. But people that feel a need to hide everything, likely have something to hide. I've been on both sides. I've had a girl that would jump on her laptop or take her phone with her at all times and never ever let me use it to even call a cab with, and she was cheating (as i later found out). I also had a girl that snooped through my things ALL THE TIME. Like everyday, looking for evidence of cheating. She never found it cause I wasn't, but she basically assumed I was and was hell bent on finding evidence. So there is a difference between the two. But from your account, it sounds like the former. Just try not to be one of those people that assume the worst and are determined to prove it (not saying that you are that person). Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I think it's a case by case basis for each couple to figure out their comfort level. For drifter777's relationship having a lot of privacy works very well. They seem to want privacy because itsuitstheir personalities, not sothey can carry on double lives. That type of arrangement would drive me nuts. Not because of unwarranted insecurity or jealousy but because of simple curiosity. I'm an open book with the people close to me, especially my partner. I'm more of the mindset that people who have nothing to hide don't hide anything. I'm terrible with secrets. If I'm in the car with a friend and my phone is in my purse and I get a text ill say, who is that? And my friend will know to go in my bag type in my password to my phone read me the text and reply for me because texting and driving is dangerous. I feel like it should be the same in my relationship. That's why I am getting rid of this current guy. He is nothing but one big secret double life. It still shocks me that people choose to live like that but hey. Ill never figure out why-- I just need to accept that for whatever reason a lot of people seem to enjoy subterfuge and betrayal. If only they would tattoo their foreheads or something as a warning... Link to post Share on other sites
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