JustJana Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I was asked to do an undercover piece for work about the cheaters site. I did it & I feel really sick about it now. I'm single so it didn't seem like a big thing at first but I'm really upset with my employer over it now & kind of upset with all men. I almost fell for a guy who was just convincing, I find myself still thinking about him. I didn't feel bad about "dating" any of them until after because I was just thinking of it as an assignment but I feel so dirty! I don't know what to do or how to get this out of my brain how will I ever be able to trust anybody now? Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I was asked to do an undercover piece for work about the cheaters site. I did it & I feel really sick about it now. I'm single so it didn't seem like a big thing at first but I'm really upset with my employer over it now & kind of upset with all men. I almost fell for a guy who was just convincing, I find myself still thinking about him. I didn't feel bad about "dating" any of them until after because I was just thinking of it as an assignment but I feel so dirty! I don't know what to do or how to get this out of my brain how will I ever be able to trust anybody now? I'm confused; were you supposed to go undercover and engage married men? If so, I can understand why you feel so miserable. Between having to play this game with them (knowing they were getting close to cheating on their spouses-though I imagine you didn't allow it to go that far) and having to deal with the emotional aftermath on both your end, and on theirs (after all, some of these men may have been more emotionally invest in you, than physically). I can just imagine the side effects of having to do that. There's nothing that can be done about it now; however, I would approach your employer, and make it clear to him you're not comfortable with assignments of that nature, and you will not be participating again. He can't fire you, if it's against your moral integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Ugh! I'm sure this has to be horrible for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJana Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I'm confused; were you supposed to go undercover and engage married men? If so, I can understand why you feel so miserable. Between having to play this game with them (knowing they were getting close to cheating on their spouses-though I imagine you didn't allow it to go that far) and having to deal with the emotional aftermath on both your end, and on theirs (after all, some of these men may have been more emotionally invest in you, than physically). I can just imagine the side effects of having to do that. There's nothing that can be done about it now; however, I would approach your employer, and make it clear to him you're not comfortable with assignments of that nature, and you will not be participating again. He can't fire you, if it's against your moral integrity. Bingo. I didn't let it go very far with anyone but this was a huge project that I've been working on for nearly 6 months. I did talk to my employer & he feels terrible now. He won't ask me to do something like this again. It sounded like a good story to both of us at the time, it was going to be a giant expose about the evils of cheating & how it happens from an inside peek. I never thought about how hard it would be or how much I'd hurt from it. It got worse when I started doing my backup research & read things about how horrible the wives feel & it makes me sick. I know I'm never gonna trust anyone again. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Bingo. I didn't let it go very far with anyone but this was a huge project that I've been working on for nearly 6 months. I did talk to my employer & he feels terrible now. He won't ask me to do something like this again. It sounded like a good story to both of us at the time, it was going to be a giant expose about the evils of cheating & how it happens from an inside peek. I never thought about how hard it would be or how much I'd hurt from it. It got worse when I started doing my backup research & read things about how horrible the wives feel & it makes me sick. I know I'm never gonna trust anyone again. The research was important, but it's just unfortunate that the only way to find an honest look on it was to go undercover. Glad your employer won't put you through it again. I hope you manage to heal from the experience. Try not to be upset with yourself; you were trying to do something good, since surveys seldom make for accurate statistics (a lot of people won't admit to a complete stranger that they've cheated/been cheated on). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I feel your pain. I do academic research on crime, and I have had to do some things for the sake of research that I'm not comfortable with. For instance, I have had to monitor a few sites on the deep web that deal with human trafficking and hitman requests. The police are aware of these sites but can't do much because the posters are totally untraceable and anonymous. It makes me feel sick to my stomach reading them most of the time, but it's so rare to have direct observations of criminal activity that I have to push through it Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 No. I don't believe you can sincerely Trust ANYONE met on a Cheaters site unless you are looking to cheat. That said, you Have learned a few things that some of us have had to learn the hard way. -Trust is EARNED. Do your homework on any person you want to date -Trust your gut. Emotions (as you've personally experienced w/this assignment) are fickle and change w/the wind -Trust Can be broken. But it's up to you to forive & R or leave -Trust in yourself above all others. Set your boundaries & abide by them *What a CR*PPY assignment!!! Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I was asked to do an undercover piece for work about the cheaters site. I did it & I feel really sick about it now. I'm single so it didn't seem like a big thing at first but I'm really upset with my employer over it now & kind of upset with all men. I I am not a usual contributor in this sub forum but I was lurking and the bold marked part of your post called my attention... You do understand that cheating is not just a men thing right? Just my 0.02$ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I hope you at least got some free meals and drinks out of the deal. I'd be tempted to clue some wives in, were I you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJana Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I am not talking about trusting anyone I meet on a cheaters site, I'm talking about men in general. Dudes I might meet anywhere. These mostly seemed like normal men I'd have dated almost any of them if we'd met elsewhere. Some of them admitted that they don't usually tell women they are married. The lies they told to me, that they admitted telling their wife. It's just depressing. Yeah I know it's not just guys but I wasn't asked to expose women, they aren't my thing so I didn't have to read their profiles, make nice and flirt with them, meet them for drinks and listen to their stories. I was told by several men that the reason I was so popular is because there are about 50 guys to every woman that puts up a profile there. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I am not a usual contributor in this sub forum but I was lurking and the bold marked part of your post called my attention... You do understand that cheating is not just a men thing right? Just my 0.02$ I'm sure she's aware; but as a woman, with her assignment revolving around her going out with cheating men, I can see why she put that. You're right of course; women are just as capable, which is clearly evident on this site. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustJana Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Thank you for the understanding. I feel awful. To the poster that says he has to do crime, I can't imagine that either. I thought about telling the wives, but at least a third seem to use a fake name. Link to post Share on other sites
The Shepherd Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I was asked to do an undercover piece for work about the cheaters site. I did it & I feel really sick about it now. I'm single so it didn't seem like a big thing at first but I'm really upset with my employer over it now & kind of upset with all men. I almost fell for a guy who was just convincing, I find myself still thinking about him. I didn't feel bad about "dating" any of them until after because I was just thinking of it as an assignment but I feel so dirty! I don't know what to do or how to get this out of my brain how will I ever be able to trust anybody now? These things can get dangerous and your employer should've known better. You should know that the people you meet on these websites are not representative of the people you meet in the world outside of these websites. Keep in mind that you went searching for them. If you are this weak emotionally you shouldn't have taken up the assignment in the first place. Why do you feel dirty? If we are not able to trust people or if we are frequently finding ourselves with people that cannot be trusted, I think we should start looking within ourselves first for issues. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 As you date in the real world, there are red flags to look for that would indicate that a guy is married or involved with someone else. - he is only available at certain dates/times - he is secretive about his life or the things he tells you about himself are about his past, and not what is currently happening with him - he sometimes walks out of earshot from you to make or take phone calls - you don't meet his family or friends - he never spends the night These are just off the top of my head. But if you are smart, you can find a guy who is single and trustworthy. Just don't give a man your heart until he earns it. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 im a complete failure kevin ???? Why? Do you display red flags associated with married men? If so, they are only RED FLAGS. Red flags aren't the same as dealbreakers. Just means you have to get answers and watch out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 i haven't even had a date in over 9 years and ive never been married. not close. im a failure. kevin I'll respond to you on your thread. Can't hijack Jana's. Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Bingo. I didn't let it go very far with anyone but this was a huge project that I've been working on for nearly 6 months. I did talk to my employer & he feels terrible now. He won't ask me to do something like this again. It sounded like a good story to both of us at the time, it was going to be a giant expose about the evils of cheating & how it happens from an inside peek. I never thought about how hard it would be or how much I'd hurt from it. It got worse when I started doing my backup research & read things about how horrible the wives feel & it makes me sick. I know I'm never gonna trust anyone again. I hope you put this side of things into your story. If you hurt that badly when you weren't particularly invested (on the dating end), imagine what it does to the actual participants. It warps everyone involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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