Blu_crush Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) I have been seeing someone I care for deeply for a little over a year. . He has always dated multiple women from the start. He will get off the sites for a few months and then inevitably he begins surfing again. During the first part of this year we became a lot closer spending almost every weekend together for over 6 months. We went on 2 very nice trips together and I finally confronted him regarding his pattern of philandering. He admitted that he does NOT want to be exclusive sexually. Time will pass and he comes back to me and he says he loves me and needs me, and for a while swore he was not really seeing anyone yet the few times I thought I was going crazy due to these mixed signals I finally checked his phone and sure enough, he is meeting, texting and more than likely sleeping with others. He was honest with me about it, I will give him that. (That doesn't take the pain away) Recently he has told me he loves me deeply and needs me.. I even met his kids a few weeks ago.. yet again I find that the day before contacted someone new again online (he left his phone in the bathroom).. I have never done that kind of thing before.. however, I don't need to anymore as I see the pattern of behavior.. wants to be with me.. loves me misses me etc.. then suddenly doesn't answer my calls.. says he needs space or thanks me for it.. and there he is again. If he really loved me, why does he do this.. I did ask him "what it is he is looking for" to which his reply is "I don't know" It hurts to love someone with this behavior and it hurts to move on...any feedback is appreciated either way.. I have become confused about my own comfort level and what I want. I personally wish I had a deeper form of love than this.. what type of love is this? Edited June 28, 2013 by Blu_crush Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 He is simply doing what he wants to do. The desire to have sex with a variety of people is overwhelmingly strong and, since he is single, he has no motivation to deny his desire. Accept him as a FWB or walk away. Staying with him and being angry that he keeps seeing others is ridicules. It's like blaming a compass for pointing north. It's who he is right now and he doesn't want to change and you need to accept this fact. Don't come back pointing out how he is so sincere when he tells you he loves you and how great it is when he comes back to you. He just wants to get into your pants and will tell you whatever he thinks you need to hear to obtain his goal. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sayyes19 Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 I have been seeing someone I care for deeply for a little over a year. . He has always dated multiple women from the start. He will get off the sites for a few months and then inevitably he begins surfing again. During the first part of this year we became a lot closer spending almost every weekend together for over 6 months. We went on 2 very nice trips together and I finally confronted him regarding his pattern of philandering. He admitted that he does NOT want to be exclusive sexually. Time will pass and he comes back to me and he says he loves me and needs me, and for a while swore he was not really seeing anyone yet the few times I thought I was going crazy due to these mixed signals I finally checked his phone and sure enough, he is meeting, texting and more than likely sleeping with others. He was honest with me about it, I will give him that. (That doesn't take the pain away) Recently he has told me he loves me deeply and needs me.. I even met his kids a few weeks ago.. yet again I find that the day before contacted someone new again online (he left his phone in the bathroom).. I have never done that kind of thing before.. however, I don't need to anymore as I see the pattern of behavior.. wants to be with me.. loves me misses me etc.. then suddenly doesn't answer my calls.. says he needs space or thanks me for it.. and there he is again. If he really loved me, why does he do this.. I did ask him "what it is he is looking for" to which his reply is "I don't know" It hurts to love someone with this behavior and it hurts to move on...any feedback is appreciated either way.. I have become confused about my own comfort level and what I want. I personally wish I had a deeper form of love than this.. what type of love is this? Do whatever you want, but at least be realistic with yourself. You will never end up with this man and the more you think you will the more it is going to hurt when you don't. G'day Link to post Share on other sites
JAG-UR Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 I can't say what type of love this is, but what I can say is that it is one that you don't need. Life is too short to settle for less. Find someone who cares about YOU enough that he doesn't want/need anyone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Wanting to use someone for your own comfort and taking as much as you want, with little concern for what the other person wants may be as best as he can do when it comes to "love" but that sure as hell is not any kind of love I would want. You can choose to see him and stay in the cycle. You'll never get what you actually want from him, but he'll at least allow you the illusion and fantasy during the "good days". Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 I could have written your post almost word for word a couple years ago. I don't know your boyfriend or what his issues are, but he definitely has issues. If I could go back in time and have a conversation with myself at the stage you are at, I'd tell myself to let it go and cut him out completely before you end up moving in or getting married. It gets worse, not better. I'm sorry you are going through this and I am not tryi g to be negative I tried to send you a private message but I can't because I have t been on the site long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Tinie Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 K well here's what I think. He goes and has sex with these other girls. But because you always accept him when he comes crawling back, that makes you like his blanket of security. You need to tell him to go away and not come back. You cannot build a relationship with this man when there's no trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WisdomSeeker Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Recently he has told me he loves me deeply and needs me.. I even met his kids a few weeks ago.. yet again I find that the day before contacted someone new again online (he left his phone in the bathroom).. I have never done that kind of thing before.. however, I don't need to anymore as I see the pattern of behavior.. wants to be with me.. loves me misses me etc.. then suddenly doesn't answer my calls.. says he needs space or thanks me for it.. and there he is again. If he really loved me, why does he do this.. I did ask him "what it is he is looking for" to which his reply is "I don't know" One of the harsher lessons that I've been forced to learn in my romantic life is this: people can only express the type of love that is equal to their psychological and emotional health. As an example, the man who beats his wife probably does love her from a purely emotional standpoint, but he is incapable of conveying that emotion in a healthy manner. His insecurities, fear of abandonment, and other issues poison his behavior. The guy with whom you're involved probably does have strong affection, perhaps even love, for you, but he is at present far too broken to create any kind of real intimacy with you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I have been seeing someone I care for deeply for a little over a year. . He has always dated multiple women from the start. He will get off the sites for a few months and then inevitably he begins surfing again. During the first part of this year we became a lot closer spending almost every weekend together for over 6 months. We went on 2 very nice trips together and I finally confronted him regarding his pattern of philandering. He admitted that he does NOT want to be exclusive sexually. Time will pass and he comes back to me and he says he loves me and needs me, and for a while swore he was not really seeing anyone yet the few times I thought I was going crazy due to these mixed signals I finally checked his phone and sure enough, he is meeting, texting and more than likely sleeping with others. He was honest with me about it, I will give him that. (That doesn't take the pain away) Recently he has told me he loves me deeply and needs me.. I even met his kids a few weeks ago.. yet again I find that the day before contacted someone new again online (he left his phone in the bathroom).. I have never done that kind of thing before.. however, I don't need to anymore as I see the pattern of behavior.. wants to be with me.. loves me misses me etc.. then suddenly doesn't answer my calls.. says he needs space or thanks me for it.. and there he is again. If he really loved me, why does he do this.. I did ask him "what it is he is looking for" to which his reply is "I don't know" It hurts to love someone with this behavior and it hurts to move on...any feedback is appreciated either way.. I have become confused about my own comfort level and what I want. I personally wish I had a deeper form of love than this.. what type of love is this? Because he doesn't love you. At least, not in the way you want him to. He's shown you who he really is, and you've been accepting it. If that's not the kind of "love" you want, start detaching yourself from him. He doesn't seem interested in changing. Save yourself more hurt and heartache and find someone whose idea of love matches yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu_crush Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 Because he doesn't love you. At least, not in the way you want him to. He's shown you who he really is, and you've been accepting it. If that's not the kind of "love" you want, start detaching yourself from him. He doesn't seem interested in changing. Save yourself more hurt and heartache and find someone whose idea of love matches yours. It is definitely certain that my "definition" of love and his are 2 different things. I don't think in his mind, since we have not agreed to a commitment that he considers this cheating. As I look back on the relationship, in the beginning he did ask me to be exclusive. I agreed and that is when my gut told me that something wasn't right. That is when I found him continually surfing and dating then. We went our separate ways for a while - a few months. He came back and told me he was in love with me...mmm...when I asked him about the time he wanted to be exclusive - he said that he did not remember ever asking me that. mmmm... I guess even if we did move forward - could I ever trust him? I am in a moral dilemma about dating - am I wrong to want exclusivity? Why are some people unable to give that - or I suppose I am just NOT the "one". I am so sad and thanks for the honesty here - it really does help Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 It is definitely certain that my "definition" of love and his are 2 different things. I don't think in his mind, since we have not agreed to a commitment that he considers this cheating. As I look back on the relationship, in the beginning he did ask me to be exclusive. I agreed and that is when my gut told me that something wasn't right. That is when I found him continually surfing and dating then. We went our separate ways for a while - a few months. He came back and told me he was in love with me...mmm...when I asked him about the time he wanted to be exclusive - he said that he did not remember ever asking me that. mmmm... I guess even if we did move forward - could I ever trust him? I am in a moral dilemma about dating - am I wrong to want exclusivity? Why are some people unable to give that - or I suppose I am just NOT the "one". I am so sad and thanks for the honesty here - it really does help Are you wrong to want exclusivity? The fact that you asked that question is concerning to me. Of course it's not wrong -- it's what you should want. The fact that you would even entertain being in a non-exclusive relationship reeks of low self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Are you wrong to want exclusivity? The fact that you asked that question is concerning to me. Of course it's not wrong -- it's what you should want. The fact that you would even entertain being in a non-exclusive relationship reeks of low self-esteem. I disagree with you. I don't think anyone "should" want anything. I think if someone wants to sleep around with multiple partners that is their business and their only obligation is to be honest about it and seek out partners with similar mindsets and leave monogomous people the hell alone so we can live in peace and pair up with other monogomous people. The only reason she is questioning herself is because she had the misfortune of falling for one of these guys. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he tells other girls "I love you", " I need you" also. He probably does feel that way when he is with each of you. My brother was a player and he said he did feel in love when he was with each girl because each one had something that he loved and needed. My question is did you know he was a player when you got involved? If so, why? You have to pick up your self esteem and walk away if you want to be happy. He will fall head over heels for someone someday, but it will more than likely be with a woman who is extremely hard to get. That's the only kind they value. You know the old saying "players do what they want to, everyone else does what they can." Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I disagree with you. I don't think anyone "should" want anything. I think if someone wants to sleep around with multiple partners that is their business and their only obligation is to be honest about it and seek out partners with similar mindsets and leave monogomous people the hell alone so we can live in peace and pair up with other monogomous people. The only reason she is questioning herself is because she had the misfortune of falling for one of these guys. But he did tell her he didn't want to be exclusive sexually. He has been very honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I disagree with you. I don't think anyone "should" want anything. I think if someone wants to sleep around with multiple partners that is their business and their only obligation is to be honest about it and seek out partners with similar mindsets and leave monogomous people the hell alone so we can live in peace and pair up with other monogomous people. The only reason she is questioning herself is because she had the misfortune of falling for one of these guys. So you think she is wrong for wanting an exclusive relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 But he did tell her he didn't want to be exclusive sexually. He has been very honest. He was honest- ish AFTER he was busted, after they were all involved in a relationship and she had feelings for him and he had been exposing her to whatever STI's he was accumulating during their supposed exclusive relationship and at some point she could no longer ignore her gut feelings and looked at his phone- then when the gig was up he "didn't remember" asking her to be exclusive in the past and "didn't want to be exclusive sexually" Sounds like a bunch of crap to me, I wouldn't call that very honest, or ethical by any means. How about, instead of asking her to "be exclusive" in the first place (unless you think she's just delusional and making that up) he said: "Hey blu crush, we have been dating awhile and I like you a lot- we are at the point where couples usually have that 'what are we' talk. I care about you a lot and would love to continue seeing you but I don't want to be sexually exclusive" If he could say it after giving her the run around for months why couldn't he say it up front and be a decent human being about it? That's all I'm saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 So you think she is wrong for wanting an exclusive relationship? No it's totally fine she wants one. I want one too. That guy she's talking about obviously does not want one. "Should" he want one? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 No it's totally fine she wants one. I want one too. That guy she's talking about obviously does not want one. "Should" he want one? I wasn't talking about him, I was talking about her. He can do whatever he wants, but she shouldn't "settle" for something she doesn't want to placate him. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 One of the harsher lessons that I've been forced to learn in my romantic life is this: people can only express the type of love that is equal to their psychological and emotional health. As an example, the man who beats his wife probably does love her from a purely emotional standpoint, but he is incapable of conveying that emotion in a healthy manner. His insecurities, fear of abandonment, and other issues poison his behavior. The guy with whom you're involved probably does have strong affection, perhaps even love, for you, but he is at present far too broken to create any kind of real intimacy with you. Broken? Really? Or maybe he just wants to enjoy being single and play with all the girls that will play with him until he's ready to settle down. He isn't doing anything wrong by choosing to play the field - and it most certainly doesn't mean he is "broken". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 He has told you and shown you who he is and what he wants. You choose to stay so he is not really hurting you; you are hurting yourself. Why? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu_crush Posted July 8, 2013 Author Share Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) He has told you and shown you who he is and what he wants. You choose to stay so he is not really hurting you; you are hurting yourself. Why? First and foremost, thank you for all the replies. Last year I moved on and started dating others most of the year as well as seeing him on occasion. We mutually agreed NOT to have sex for quite some time. I was unable to anyway as I had a surgery that prevented me from this. That is a story in an of itself. Once recovered he started asking me out more often, and we did resume sexual relations. We began seeing each other steadily since January of this year - that is every weekend. He told me that he was "trying on this relationship for size and that he considered this a "relationship". (whatever) We went on several trips together and that is when I couldn't hold it in any longer asking him myself about exclusivity - at least sexually - he said that he could not. I was very upset. Most of the dating advice out there says that a woman should not bring up the "talk" - however, I do not want a disease. He told me that he has been very hurt in the past is not able or willing to be exclusive - He told me that "it would hurt him if he were me" and in the same breath - tells me that this is NOT a case of unrequited love and that he loves me. I have asked him what he wants and is looking for. UPDATE: He asked me to meet his family - father and children in their vacation house - so I spent 4 days with them over Independence Day. They really liked me and welcomed me. I have asked him what is going to happen to "me and you" when he finds someone else - to which his response: "I always come back, I don't understand why you keep asking me these things" He told me that no one has met his family before. mmmm Yes this did get my hopes up, however, I suspect that in the next few weeks he will be back to Susie and Jane - or whoever. In answer to your question - I suppose he has been honest and yes and as of April - he started back on the dating sites - I am just hurting myself. My heart is breaking and yet I still love him with every broken piece of it. We have bonded, however, I do think after meeting his family that I certainly deserve more. He may not know what he wants. Even if he changed his mind - I am wondering if I could trust him, as well as why has he treated me this way when he would not want to be treated this way.. and what would his family think.. I am just his steady until he finds "the one"?? Broken Hearted and in away I feel used.. I suppose the best thing is to just give up and as some of you have said - play hard to get or just move on - it is hard to go out with anyone else as I am sure they would be a rebound. But I think the longer I stay the lower my self esteem and respect goes. I am not sure why he cannot connect the dots.. he says that he wouldn't want a women to cheat on him. Edited July 8, 2013 by Blu_crush Link to post Share on other sites
freetolove Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 why not have an open relationship with him? that way there's no expectations. Unless you want a monogamous relationship, STF away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu_crush Posted July 22, 2013 Author Share Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) why not have an open relationship with him? that way there's no expectations. Unless you want a monogamous relationship, STF away from him. Ahh yes.. that inlays the entire issue..easier said than done.... it is tough to let go of someone.. I never expected to feel anything.. maybe he didn't either.. and therefore that complicates things.. it would seem that this situation may always be complicated in a dating/relationship ..no matter the original intentions.. the honesty etc. when you really develop feelings for someone..and begin to love them.. "love hopes all things and bears all things.. and never ends"... and I really did NOT expect that Edited July 22, 2013 by Blu_crush Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Broken? Really? Or maybe he just wants to enjoy being single and play with all the girls that will play with him until he's ready to settle down. He isn't doing anything wrong by choosing to play the field - and it most certainly doesn't mean he is "broken". No, there is nothing wrong with being single and playing the field. However, there IS something wrong with telling someone you love them and want to be with them, and then continue to look for something else. blu-crush, the fact that he says "I always come back, I don't understand why you keep asking me these things" tells you all you need to know. He has a different set of values than you do, and sees nothing wrong in what he's doing. It is your choice to stay with him or not, but if you stay with him, you need to do so with the expectation that he will be sleeping with other women while he is with you. You cannot expect monogamy out of him, because that is outside his values. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 If you are too afraid to just leave, then it is time for an honest communication with him: "You said you always come back, but I want someone who will never leave in the first place. If we are going to be together, I need a commitment that we are exclusive and do not sleep with other people." If he says that isn't what he wants, you have your answer. Then you just have to decide whether it is acceptable to you or not. Link to post Share on other sites
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